Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad.
part 31 The Larch, the larch.

My sweating hand grasped the handle of the door as it had several times before, only I don't think I was as frightened as I was now. Maybe the first time, when I asked her if I was crazy, her answer was, "Why, would it make you feel better if I said you were?" When I replied that it wouldn't, she said, "Well we've got that out of the way quickly."

I pushed open the door and she glanced over her spectacles at me, "I think you might have the wrong room young lady, I'm expecting a patient in a moment so could you close the door again, thank you."

I stood there absolutely astonished and unable to move.

She looked a little irritated that I was still stood there, she rose from her desk and walked towards me. "Can I er, help you Miss?"

"It's me Dr Thomas, Cathy Watts."

She stopped and did a double take, "Good Lord, so it is, come on in."
She made me stand in the middle of the room while she prowled around me, making almost purring noises. "I'm impressed," she said finally. "You make a very convincing and attractive female. So what's the problem?"

I was gobsmacked and it took me a moment to get my brain back from it's orbit somewhere out around Alpha Centauri. I sat down and gave her a potted version of the past twenty four hours, up to and including my visit here.

"So where's the problem?" she asked looking slightly bemused.

Maybe it's not me that's crazy, maybe it's her, I wondered as I prepared to list the problems. "I'm being asked to start transitioning, now, without any preparation or help."

"Sounds to me as if loads of people are helping you."

"But I'm not ready," I protested.

"Doesn't look that way to me."

"How can I be ready, yesterday I was walking around in trousers!"

"So was I," shrugged the doctor.

"But you don't understand," I was close to tears, no one seemed able to understand what I was trying to say.

"Help me to then," she tossed back to me.

"It's all been so sudden.."

"Has it, you've been taking hormones for how long, eight months.."

"You know what I mean," I countered.

"Do I?" she threw back at me.

"I need time to prepare," I protested.

"Why, how long does it take you to get dressed?"

"I don't mean that, I mean for my transition."

"Looks to me like you've started."

"You know what I mean."

"No I don't Cathy, but let me tell you what I think you mean. I think you are frightened because things have happened beyond your control and you have become scared that you won't get control again. It's an illusion, we none of us have any control over our lives until we let go and find that we control everything."

I glazed over as she got all existentialist on me and shook my head.

"I see a very attractive woman sitting opposite me but what I'm hearing is a whining boy who thinks he wants to be a woman but is shit scared of taking the plunge. So he puts all sorts of obstacles in his path to stop it happening. Yesterday and to some extent today, something very Jungian happened.."

By now I felt very defensive, how dare she speak to me like this, calling me scared or cowardly?

"He, Jung that is, suggested that when internal issues are unresolved the universe externalises them to force you to resolve them."

"I didn't know you were into Jung," I gasped.

"I'm not, he was a total flake, but it sums up your position beautifully."

"What about this being found sexually attractive by men?"

"Enjoy it like most women do, or wish they could."

"What? But wouldn't that be having homosexual relationships?" I was horrified.

"It depends upon how you saw yourself and how your partner saw you. So the answer is yes and no. He might see you as a desirable female but you see yourself as male, so technically he's having hetero sex and you're having a gay old time."

"Do you see yourself as male?" she asked.

"Course not, but I still have the dangly bits," I blushed as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

"Only for about another year or so, depending upon whether you actually start your transition now or not, and what the waiting times for surgery are when you qualify for referral after a year's life test."

"I erm..um, erm I, erm." I panicked and seemed unable to speak.

Dr Thomas signed a piece of paper and gave it to me. I looked at it.

'To whom it may concern,
The bearer of this certificate is a male to female transsexual patient attending this hospital. She is currently undergoing assessment for gender reassignment and thus needs to integrate as female. Your cooperation is appreciated.

"This implies I'm doing my real life test?" I gulped.

"It does, and you are."

"Don't I get a say in this?" I whined.

"You did."

"What do you mean?"

"You called me a couple or more hours ago. Instead of going home and changing into your best skirt, which incidentally looks very smart, you could have changed into the grungy things you usually turn up in."

"But I thought I'd better show you how far I'd got in my preparation."

"Far enough I'd say."

"But I'm not ready," I whined.

"You never will be, so your unconscious took control and here you are, the real McCoy."

"What do you mean, never will be ready?"

"If we left it to you, I'd still be waiting for you to take the plunge when I retired, which incidentally is not for at least another thirty years. You were too scared. So somebody else made the decision for you. Useful bit of synchronicity, if you believe all that crap Jung wrote."

"So that's it then?" I said defeatedly.

"It's the end of one part of your life, you can expect to feel a sense of loss, it's what is after all familiar to you. However, it's also the start of a brave new world, and that world is your oyster. Get out there and have some fun before you get too old to remember how to do it."

"So you're not going to stop me?"

"Stop you doing what?" she looked aghast at me.

"Doing this," I pointed to the clothes.

"Why should I?" she asked bemused.

"Because I'm crazy."

"Oh we're back to that old chestnut are we. You were depressed and anxious and desperate. You made an attempt at suicide to ease your distress. In the circumstances understandable. Since seeing what was going on and a bit of medication which you no longer need or take, you are dealing with the core problem, your gender dysphoria. You are neither crazy nor stupid, scared maybe, but nothing else."

"You keep accusing me of being scared," I pouted, "doesn't coming here like this, count for anything?"

"Okay, it's very brave of you, if you're so brave why do you keep protesting you're unready?"

"Because I..um, I'm scared." I looked at the floor and felt the tears well up inside me. "I'm scared," I repeated to myself still looking at the floor. Then I watched the wet spots fall on to the carpet.

"Cathy, Cathy look at me," came the gentle but firm voice, "It's okay to feel scared, it's a big scary world out there especially for a new girl on the block, but it's what you have been telling me you wanted since you were a kid. Embrace the fear, it's part of being alive and life is all about risk. Go and enjoy yourself, be yourself, your true self."

I sat and watched her mouth moving but I wasn't sure about the words she was saying. I was shocked, I had no one to help me resist what everyone else was wanting me to do, she was the same as all the rest. I knew I wasn't ready, and yes I was scared, but only because I wasn't ready.

"Look Cathy, I have to go on to a meeting, give me a call if you get stuck or have too many problems, though I don't see why you should. Enjoy your date with, Simon, wasn't it? Make an appointment to see me next week and we'll review your progress. Oh, and if I were you, I'd pop into the ladies and sort your mascara. Take care."

She held open the door for me and I staggered out like a condemned man. I found the loos and wiped off my mascara and in a sort of stupor wandered home.