Do they really make doctors that big? How does the blood get all the way up to his brain and against gravity? Poor Cathy gets her knickers and her tongue all twisted!

Easy As Starting A Diet.
by: Angharad chocolate chomper.
part: After Eight thin chocolate mints.

I entered the automatic doors of the Mental Health Unit, my stomach started to churn. I had so much riding on this interview, my whole claim to being female. It seemed farcical, that I had to convince a man I was a woman. Oh well, if I had to convince a hungry tiger I was a cabbage to get my surgery, I would.

I showed my appointment letter to the receptionist, she logged me in and asked me sit in the waiting area. In most hospitals, you get a chance to see the clinician you are waiting for, when they come out to get their 'next one'. In this, there was a bleep and the receptionist called your name and told you to go to door number so and so. It felt more like a bank than a hospital.

I was in plenty of time, and I didn't feel like reading ten year old Sunday Times magazines, so I pulled out my Blackberry and worked through a few more functions. It was really good, I was checking my emails from Pippa, when my name was called. Of course I didn't hear it.

"Miss Watts, please go to door three, there's a good girl, put down your toys and see the doctor will you." The receptionist could obviously see me, I blushed and went to the appropriate door.

At least until that moment I had been oblivious to my worries, getting engrossed in the little electronic device. Now I hurriedly shut it away and dumped it in my bag. I didn't want him thinking that playing with gadgets was a boy thing.

My butterflies came back, a whole squadron of them and I think they might have been dog-fighting with moths or something, several were shot down in the time it took to walk thirty or forty feet to the door of the consulting room. Then there must have been a collision and the butterfly-moth exploded causing me to burp. Bloody insects!

"Come in," called a male voice from inside the room. In fear and trembling I opened the door, and stepped into the room.

"Miss Watts, do come in." He stood up and towered over me, he must have been well over six feet tall, maybe closer to seven. Did I feel intimidated or did I feel intimidated? No I was just scared shitless!

He held out a hand and it swallowed mine, well not in a literal sense, but it dwarfed mine by a factor of several. He pointed to a chair in front of his desk, hmmm, he needed barriers? Were they to protect him or me?

"I'm Dr David Winthropp, in case you didn't know, and yes I am very tall, six foot seven inches." He said smiling.

"Sorry, was I staring that much?" I blushed.

He smiled and shook his head. He was probably fortyish, greying at the temples, with a big face and large intelligent, grey eyes. he was wearing an expensive suit, I suppose he'd need to get them made for him. His white shirt was immaculate as was his Daffy Duck silk tie. It looked incongruous with his otherwise perfect appearance.

"You're staring again, tell me at what and why?" He said gently but firmly.

"Sorry," I blushed even more profusely. Talk about embarrassed, the word didn't even begin to describe how I felt.

"Please, I'm intrigued."

"Your tie...." I was tongue tied I was so nervous, "I erm...., this is so silly."

"No do go on, please, my tie is what?" He leant forward on the desk.

"Oh this is so silly," my eyes were starting to go bleary as moisture collected in them. "Your tie doesn't go with the rest of your clothes." I gabbled this out quite quickly. "I'm sorry, that's very rude of me."

He smiled a very warm smile. "Only a woman or a gay man would see that. I take it you are the former."

"Yes, I am." I decided to be decisive about that.

"But not quite a complete one yet, I understand?"

"Erm, no."

"Hence your visit here, today?"

"Erm, yes."

"Well I have to say you look every part a female to me. I love the outfit, did you choose it?"

"I did to wear today, but my fiance's sister gave it to me, she'd finished with it."

"Very nice. She has good taste."

"Very," I emphasised.

"But so must you if you chose to dress to impress me, it works, I am impressed."

I noticed he had no wedding ring on his hands, but a small stoned ring on his left little finger. I wondered. He saw me looking at his hand, and smiled again.

"Yes I am," he said.

I looked him in the eye and think I went white. This man could read my mind! Shit this was dangerous!

"The tie was a present from my secretary's daughter, and as I am going to dinner there tonight, thought I'd better wear it. Several people have noticed it as out of character, but not on first meeting. you are very perceptive of appearance and your 'gaydar' is on."

"How long have you wanted to be a woman?" he asked me after a small pause.

"Can I answer that differently, because I don't think the question is very well phrased?"

He looked taken aback at my affrontery, but he nodded for me to continue.

"Ever since I was a small child I wanted to be like my mum rather than my dad. It was only when I went to nursery and discovered that boys and girls were different, that I realised I should have been a girl. Then I wanted to be a teenage girl and finally a woman. So with regard to your question, a lot less than I wanted to be a girl. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect sense, I apologise for my poor question. How long have you lived as female?"

"Only a matter of months, six at maximum."

"That's below the guidelines, you realise?"

"Are you pointing this out so you can refuse to confirm my referral?"

"No, I'm simply pointing out the guidelines, I haven't decided what to do just yet."

"Oh," I sat and worried.

"You said you had a fiance? I presume he knows?"

"Yes, he has for about a month now. He didn't initially and fancied me as an ordinary female."

"I doubt you'll ever be ordinary Miss Watts, you make, no let me rephrase that, you are a stunningly beautiful woman."

"Do I take that as a compliment?"

"I should hope so, because as an insult it would be rather counter productive, don't you think?"

I nodded and felt a smirk happen on my face.

He looked at me and smiled back. I liked him, even though he had this huge power over me, and I could make him smile. It didn't exactly even things out, but it did give me some hope.

"Are you having sex with your fiance?"

I blushed and looking at the floor answered, "Not penetrative sex, we mess about, petting that sort of stuff."

"Has he seen you naked?"

"Yes."

"And your appendage, doesn't put him off?"

"You can't see anything, I glued it up inside me and used the scrotal skin to hide it."

"So what does it look like?"

I hoped he wasn't asking to see it, because I wasn't at all sure I wanted to show him. "It looks like a pudenda, unless you start to poke around beneath the outer 'labia'."

"Does it indeed, and you did this yourself?"

"Yes, I saw it on the net and decided that it was worth a go."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Initially, and sometimes it isn't too comfy when riding a bike."

"I'll bet," he said, "You cycle?"

"Yes, for pleasure and fitness."

"You won't be able to once you've had surgery, not for several weeks."

"I'll live with that."

"What if you couldn't cycle again because of surgery, would that worry you?"

"Yes it would, but I'd have to adapt, try several saddles and so on. If I still couldn't, then I'd wait and try again some time later, if it was obvious I'd still couldn't, I'd have to find another way to exercise. I'm a woman who cycles, not a cyclist who wants to be a woman."

"What if I said, you weren't suitable for surgery?"

I felt myself go red and at the same time felt cold. "I'd say you were wrong and I'd want to know your reasons. I'd also want to know how as a man you can know what it feels like to be a woman?"

"Couldn't I ask you the same question, as you don't have all the necessary bits, do you really know, or is it all about clothes and make up and sex?"

"I can only speak about how I feel. If you think it's some outrageous role play, where I get off on wearing pretty clothes and makeup, and dream about being shagged, then either I'm not communicating things very well or you have absolutely no idea of what women are about."

"As a gay man, I probably don't, so enlighten me." The eyes weren't smiling now, this was life or death stuff.

I stopped, allowing my heart which felt as if I was cycling up Mont Ventoux, to slow a little. He kept watching me, had I blown it by being too assertive?

"I don't know if I can, lots of it isn't hard data, it's almost nebulous stuff."

"Okay, try your best and take your time."

"I've never liked boys things, football and sports, until I saw a programme of cycling on telly, they showed that women could do that well too. I felt I'd like to try it. So I did, I wasn't very good and couldn't compete with men, they told me to go play with the girls."

"And did you?"

"No, least not until I was actually transitioning. I've raced once for the university against Southampton uni."

"How did you do?"

"I came sixth."

"Not bad, but then you have an advantage, men have bigger hearts and lungs, more muscle per body mass."

"I'd been on hormones for some time, so I don't think I had much if any advantage. One woman I've trained with is an international level triathlete, she left me for dead."

"Doesn't this make you a failure as a man rather than making you a woman?"

"I can see why you said that, but that is a small thing. When I think about my fiance, I feel all gooey inside and I wish I could have his babies. There is this deep longing, this yearning inside me that wants to carry his children, yet I know I can't."

"So you fancy him then?"

"Yes, it's funny because until I met Simon, well just before that, I was out with his sister and I got kissed by a man. Until then I thought I was nothing, asexual, no libido at all. Then suddenly I discovered, maybe I wasn't."

"So on the basis of one kiss, you went from being asexual to being a fully heterosexual woman?"

"No, I went from being uncertain about anything, to being even more uncertain."

He looked confused and I felt completely tied up in knots.

"I discovered I was perhaps a sexual animal after all."

"You didn't have crushes on boys or girls at school then?"

"No, I was just so uninterested it was untrue."

"And this whole thing just released it self with a single kiss?"

"No, it caused me to think. When Simon asked me out the first couple of times, I didn't want to go. I hadn't transitioned very long and was so nervous he'd find out."

"What that you were a man?"

"No because I didn't see myself as such, but that I wasn't a complete woman either."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Dreadful. It wasn't that I couldn't have sex, because I didn't want it without something more meaningful anyway."

"So he proposed and gets his leg over?"

"No, he has to wait as long as this takes. He wants me to marry him, he says he loves me. I love him and I want him so much...."

"In a sexual sense?"

"Yes, but not until I can make love as female."

"So if I say 'No, comeback in a year', he has to wait another year?"

"Yes. I won't have sex until we're married."

"Goodness! Okay, so how long will that be?"

"I don't know."

"Best outcome scenario?"

"Were I able to get this done on New Year's day, I have at least two years to go for my PhD, more likely three."

"So poor old Simon has to wait for three years, why are you bothering me now, come back in two and we'll discuss it."

"It isn't about sex, it's about me. It's about something I feel inside, my body is malformed, I need to sort it. If you won't help, I'll have to find someone who does understand. I know I'll never be female in a literal sense, but I'd like to be as near it as I can get and that means sorting my body to reflect what I feel inside.

Whenever I see a beautiful woman, I am jealous, I want to be her, to know what her body feels and how she feels, is it the same as I feel? Whenever I see a woman who is pregnant or with children, I am green with envy. I can never have children, yet I yearn for them, do you understand that? I can never have a family."

"You could as a man."

"No I couldn't. I don't want to be a father, I want to be a mother, to experience all the things about carrying a baby, feeling it kick, giving birth, watching it grow up and become a child, an adolescent and then a young adult."

"Isn't this all a bit unrealistic, even if they give you a fanny, you can't have kids."

"I know that," I rolled my eyes, "You asked me what I felt that's what I feel. Yes, I love the man who gave me this," I flashed the ring, "but as a woman. I want to look after him, and have him look after me, to share all the things couples share. Look this it is obvious that you aren't going to support the referral so why am I wasting both our times? I have loads of work to do, I could have been doing it."

"Whoa, hold your horses. Sit down Miss Watts. There are so many contradictions in what you say, that you haven't done your research in GID have you?"

"I'm a zoologist not a psychologist and no I haven't researched anything, I've told you how I felt, if that's confused, then that is how I feel. I don't believe it is black and white being male or female. I am me, that's all I can ever be and that me, is female. I'm sorry if you disagree." At this point the dam burst and the tears came.

Passing a box of tissues across his desk, he said, "That's all I needed to hear. You've got your supporting referral, even though I would have preferred a bit longer for the life test. You are a stunningly beautiful woman and it's a crime that nature didn't complete the job, let's see if the NHS can do better, eh?" He winked at me and I burst into tears afresh.

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Comments then, how was it for you? oh that bad eh?