Easy As Falling Off A Horse.
by The Lone Ranger & Kimo-Bonzi
part: who cares?

I stayed out by the porch until Simon missed me, it took longer than I expected and it was only because he got himself tangled up with the flex of the portable television, that he called me then.

"Just what are you doing?" I asked seeing the cable wrapped around his legs.

"Just taking this downstairs to watch the rugby."

"As you needed help to get down them this morning, is this a good idea?"

"Of course, I want to see the rugger and this is the only way. Can you bring the remote?"

"Does this not work on the one downstairs?"

"Dunno."

"Shall we try it?"

"Hey that's good thinking Batman!"

I uncoiled the cable from around his legs and he thanked me. I took the TV off him and put it back on the table in his bedroom, he stood waiting for me to discover if it would work.

I dumped it down in the kitchen and got the other out of the fridge. I switched on the big television in the lounge, and clicked on to Sky. The rugby was just starting.

I helped him down to the sofa and poured him some Guinness. "Thanks love, that was a cracking meal. How much do you charge per hour?"

"You couldn't afford me," I winked back and went off to the kitchen to clear up.

I finished and felt knackered. I would have loved to have curled up with Simon, but not with the TV on. It did nothing for me at all.

I sat down with a book in the kitchen and fell asleep over it a little while later. I awoke with someone shouting.

"Cathy, C-A-T-H-Y." I ran into the lounge my head spinning from rising quickly. "Oh there you are, could you get me another Guinness?"

He was lucky I didn't pour it over his head, he may have difficulties pouring it, but he could at least have come out to ask me to get it for him. I suppressed my irritation and took him in another. He kissed me as a form of thanks. Today, that wasn't enough.

Is this how he normally was? Stella said, "it wasn't" and that he was normally helpful. I knew I'd never cope like this, I watched my mother spoil my father and swore I'd never do it to anyone I was in a relationship with, yet here I was, doing it. I appeared to be a walking gender stereotype and that really annoyed me.

I was turning the bread out when he called again. I ignored him, he rang a little decorative bell that was near his chair, and I wondered if I could claim provocation, if I shoved it up his backside. I certainly do not answer bells at all.

When I ignored his calling and ringing, and also his ringing my mobile, he gave up for a few minutes and he was knocking over ornaments and things. I nearly rushed in, but stayed where I was.

Eventually he came out to the kitchen. "Didn't you hear me calling?"

"Yes."

"Did you not consider I might be asking you to come in to me?"

"I knew you were."

"So why didn't you come?"

"Two reasons, I'm not the maid service and if it was important you'd come out to me."

"Gee thanks," he turned on his heel and limped back towards the lounge.

I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. Were it possible, I would marry him tomorrow, or shall I say, I would have done a few days ago. Today I'm not quite so sure. He can be a total dickhead.

I made a cuppa and took him a mug, he was watching some film or other. "Where did you find the remote?"

"By the back door, why?"

"I thought you were out there scouring the garden for it."

"No I found it quite quickly."

"Come and watch this film, it's good."

"Simon I am so tired, all I want is to drink this tea and go to my bed."

"You can't, you have to help me up the stairs."

"I know, or I'd have gone an hour ago."

"Oh, go on then, Stella can watch me up the stairs and help me undress."

"Why can't you watch the film upstairs?"

"It's not such a big picture," he moaned.

"I don't know, I think I get the bigger picture alright." I mused aloud, "You have difficulty with powerful women, or women in power, probably from your childhood. So you have to make a song and dance about it, except with Stella when you go through this elaborate ritual. How am I doing?"

"Not even warm," he smirked at me.

"I'm sorry but I can't cope any longer," I felt tears fill my eyes and I fled upstairs. Once on my bed and doing my world famous impression of a duck with toothache, I felt guilty about not getting him upstairs and undressed. Then realised he'd got up by himself when I caught him with the other television. So he could actually get up them by himself.

I woke up thinking I'd heard someone fall downstairs. I ran out of the room but there was nothing to be seen and Simon was watching the telly in his bedroom. I peeked between the door and the frame and he was in bed watching some programme which seemed inane to me.

I struggled back down the landing and crept back into my room. I fell asleep quite quickly. The next thing I knew Stella was back and washing him down. As a nurse, I was next to useless.

I fell asleep again and awoke the next morning, Stella brought me in mug of steaming tea- pure bliss. "Sorry I didn't get Baby bear to bed last night."

"He said you were tired, eating all those loaves and fishes."

"Yeah, something like that."

"I had a hunk and bit of cheese last night when I came in, kept me awake much of the time.

"Serves you right, you just ate your breakfast early. I baked that loaf for breakfast.

"Wasn't much left when I had the end crust.

"Goodness, who is stealing our bread?"

"It isn't me," resonded Stella.

"I wasn't accusing you, I told her.

"Glad to hear it," She went on to describe the meal she had last night. It was an arm and a leg job and it was crap! She was very disappointed as they spent quite some time choosing where they were going to sit. "They were supernervous about the inspection."

"What inspection?"

"We heard on the grapevine that one of Egon Ronay's scouts was about last night."

"Some secret!" I sighed.

"Yeah, well you know...."

"Yeah, so did the spy turn up?"

"Dunno, we didn't see him or her if they did."

"Conjecture I expect. How is loverboy this morning?"

"All right I think, he says he feels guilty for neglecting you."

"He has a last chance to impress or I'm off big time."

"Wow, have you told him yet?"

"Not yet, but I shall don't you worry."

"I can believe you." She smiled and went downstairs.