EAFOAB
by:AaG
part:OFF.

It was saturday morning already, boy doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself? I looked at my bleary eyes in the mirror, poked out my tongue, then returned it to my mouth, I needed a cup of tea before seeing things like that!

Into the shower, perhaps I was washing too much. Nah, cleanliness is next to Godliness - so when does God get to take a shower, and where? I knew that goddesses did, well okay, one goddess - Aphrodite, cause I've been to her bathroom. I mean I've visited her bathroom. Damn, it all sounds as if I used her bathroom, I haven't but I have been there. It's on Cyprus, a relatively dry island in the Mediterranean, and the spring which is attributed by legend as her bath, apparently never dries up. There is supposedly a huge eel which lives there too, but I didn't see him when I was there, perhaps he went to the bathroom?

Damn, the time was getting on. I towelled my hair, combed it to remove the knots, squealing each time I did, well it hurts. Okay, I'm a wimp, but I admitted that ages ago, I am allowed to be, I'm a girl.

I dressed in a skirt and top, I like to look smart when I see my dad and the skirt reminds him I'm his daughter, just in case the boobs, makeup, long hair and nice smell don't. Can't be too careful.

I chopped up some veg added a little of the mince I kept back from the cottage pie and put it on to cook, then emptied the bread machine, the loaf smelt good enough to eat, which was just as well I suppose, because that was what I was going to do with it.

I made myself a banana sandwich, goodness, I haven't had one of these since - ooh, erm last week. So, I like black sandwiches, what's it got to do with you, I'm not making you eat them? Hey isn't abanana or something one of the rivals to Hillary with two 'LLs'. See I keep myself up to date on what is happening in the colonies. Ha bloody George the third, "Good night Mrs King," God I love that film, even so the moron lost us the Americas, that and the French! Fancy blockading us, we should have complained to the United Nations, next time someone from the EU comes to the uni, I shall complain - well better late than never.

I mean how could a bunch of ragamuffins beat one of the best armies in Europe? I mean, they lost to a better organised group of ragamuffins in Vietnam. See science is based on logic, women are just so much more logical than men think we are. I mean matching nails and lipgloss, what could be simpler? Not wearing stripes with a swirly pattern next to them, easy eh? So how come my professor comes in wearing a swirly patterned tie with a striped shirt, in colours that clashed? I am sure he is colour blind, not just red-green, but all colours. Hey maybe that's what it is, he sees everything in black and white or grey or something. Hmmm, see that's logic, so how come I'm not sure about it? Perhaps he doesn't see it at all, not switched into colours and patterns? I shall have to ask Mary, she'll know, although I have heard her groan when he walked in. I didn't think it was a spontaneous orgasm. Okay, I did once, but then realised he was wearing purple checked trousers with pink socks and Jesus sandals. None of it was helped by his red and white striped shirt. If he cycled, I could understand it, but he doesn't, he has his ancient Landrover and his Barbour jacket.

I did a quick make up, and dried my hair. The veg and small amount of meat were cooked, so into the blender and instant soup. I checked it for taste, it was okay. I poured it into the flask. Theoretically, there was enough for two meals. I also cut a round of bread and popped it into a plastic sandwich bag. Then cut two more rounds and made a chicken sandwich for his tea. That went into a bag too.

I ran upstairs and packed a few things, you know tennis dress, ball gown, wedding dress and bikini. I'm lying again, I left out the bikini. Packed up my dad's car again, and went off to the hospital.

I had a big sign inside the car which said 'DIESEL', just in case my scientific logic distracted me and I put petrol in it. I nearly did, thank goodness, there was a little slopping out when I took the cap off the tank. It felt greasy and thick and of course smells rather strongly. Oh shoot, and I was just about to fill up with petrol.

I'm sure everyone in the filling station forecourt could see my mistake, if I'd felt any smaller, I could have walked under the car to hide. I switched hoses and put a tankful of diesel in, wow, how much? Geez, I only want to pay for my fuel not buy the garage! No wonder Tesco have profits in the billions, most of it is mine!

At the hospital, I parked in a doctor's space and zipped into the ward and dropped off my Red Cross parcel for Daddy. I kissed him told him what he had to eat, and that there was enough soup for the next day too, plus the rest of the loaf. Then promising I'd be back on thursday, I trotted off just before the clamper could get a Denver boot on my car.

He made threatening noises, and I pulled out a hammer from my dad's car.

"You had better not be threatening me with that," he said nervously.

"I am not threatening you in anyway. I will however promise if you put that thing on my car, you'll be stuck here for the rest of the day as well."

"So you're going to smash my windscreen are you?"

"No, nothing so violent."

"So what ya gonna do?"

"Remove four valves from your tyres."

"You wouldn't dare?"

"Try me!" I said and my eyes bored straight through his and into the small area of his skull which was populated with braincells.

"You'll get prosecuted."

"You'll get sacked."

He stood and glared at me and I stepped closer to his van. He glared some more and I took a swing at his wheel.

"NO!" he shouted.

"No what?" I asked pausing in mid-swing.

"Just get the fuck out of here, quick!"

"I just knew we could settle this amicably," I smiled at him then jumped in the car and shot off with a squealing of tyres. Phew that was close!

The hammer rattled on the floor beside me, Paddington had slipped slightly off the upright and seemed to be shaking with laughter. I know it was the vibration of the car, but it seemed exactly what I needed to break the tension, and I laughed too.

Thankfully the remainder of the journey was non-eventful and I made very good time. The incident reminded me that I hadn't paid for the parking fine from last week, which was thirty quid - robbery, and that was the reduced fee, pay in fourteen days or it gets doubled. I still felt cross about that, which might have been what caused me to stand up to the clamper, total parasite, yuck!

Paddington was still shaking with laughter, and at the next set of traffic lights, I stood him up and put the seat belt around him. The man in the lorry next to me was watching and laughing. I didn't care, I was responsible for Paddington's well being, apart from the supply of marmalade, and Simon had promised that. I take my parental responsibilities seriously.

Talking of which, hell! It was my turn to go in and feed the dormice. Oh bugger, I nearly forgot, and again on Christmas and Boxing day. The burden of authority, as project leader I didn't ask anyone to do anything I wouldn't do myself. We each did it one weekend in eight.

It was easy enough, just make sure they have nuts and fruit, clean out the mess, we have special pull out drawers for that like a poo sump. Check the water bottles and give Spike a quick cuddle, then off. Max one hour, except it takes me that long to get to and fro the uni from Simon's. So that is two hours. Bugger!

I drove straight to the uni and did the biz, cutting short my cuddle with Spike, she doesn't mind, just goes back to sleep after eating a nut or two.

Driving like Hakkinnen was trying to pass me, I got to Simon's at half twelve, not bad at all.

"Where's Stella?" I asked carrying my bag into the house.

"I told her she could have the rest of the day off."

"Generous of you?" I sidled up to him and kissed him.

"Well that's me all over, generous to a fault."

"So I'd heard." I kissed him again, sucking his bottom lip. His trousers began to bulge and I giggled. I touched the bulge and ran off, giggling.

"Cock tease!" he shouted after me.

I made a quick lunch, tuna jacket potatoes, I know I eat too much of it, I have so much mercury in me, that when I get warm I grow! Okay, so don't believe me.

"So what is it we have to do?" I asked washing up the plates. "Do I need to change?" I was wearing the red and black skirt that Stella had given me that first day she tried to kill me, with the new black top I'd bought in Asda.

"No, you look absolutely delicious, I suppose I could cancel my meeting and we could make love all afternoon."

"Sorry, can't."

"Why not?" he pleaded with his eyes.

"I'm on."

"You're what?"

"I'm on.... to you, I know what you're after mister. I'm not just a nursemaid, I'm well edjumucated!" I stood with my hands on my hips and rocked my hips once again. Simon stood and laughed so hard he had to grab a chair to steady himself.

"You get more like that loony sister of mine everyday," he said when he caught his breath.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"I, erm, I'm not sure I offered it as one," his eyes sparkled as he spoke. "Damn, but I feel better when you're here. Come on chauffeuse, help me get my coat on.

"Where to Sir?" I asked when I'd started the engine.

"Towards the town centre, I'll tell you where to go from there."

We ended up in a small side street near Gun Wharf Quay. "In there."
I looked over to a non-descript shop which looked like an arty-farty place, there were original paintings in the window together with various objet d'art. I held the door for Simon, feeling odd about the role reversal. I'd got used to him doing it for me.

"Hi Simon, how ya doin' mate?" A tall thin man wearing a tee shirt and patchwork trousers walked over and shook hands vigorously with my fiance. It still feels a novelty to think that, but it's a nice one and I get a warm feeling each time I think it.

"So this is Cathy?" said the stranger.

"Yes, Cathy, I'd like you to meet Tim Collins, with whom I was at Millfield."

"Pleased to meet you," I said proffering my hand.

He took it and pulled me into a hug, "Not half as much as I am to meet you, young lady. If he doesn't treat you right, gimme a shout, I'll be straight over."

"What to sort me out?" asked Simon jocularly.

"No ya silly sod, to take her away with me."

"I'd like to get to know you better first," I said blushing.

"Oh I think that could be arranged." He looked at me for a moment, then said, "You're not really going to marry this dickhead are you?"

"I have to now, if only I'd met you first," I pouted.

"Elope with me now, while he can't run after us - hey, Si, they didn't shoot off any erm moving parts did they?" he winked.

"No they bloody well didn't, everything is in working order, so just watch it, find your own girl."

"Girl!" He looked at me and I blushed dreading he'd just seen right through me, he knew I was a boy, maybe he was gay? "Girl, this is no girl!" I knew it, his gaydar was on and working, I went very hot and got very bothered. "This is a goddess, a beauty so rare and delicate, her skin like the petal of a spring rose, her hair like corn - except the pink bits - her eyes like emeralds, so what the fuck is she doing with a dickhead like you?"

At this point my tension was so great that when the punchline came, I giggled hystericaly, the tears running down my face. "Is there a loo I can use?" I asked a hint of urgency in my voice.

As I walked back from the toilet, Simon and Tim were stood with something between them. "So that's it then?" said Simon.

"Yep, okay?"

"This is the real McCoy."

"Ninety per cent pure."

I froze, they sounded as if they were talking about drugs, cocaine or something. Shit, was I marrying a drug abuser? My stomach flipped and I felt quite sick. Surely not, please God. I coughed, and Tim turned around as if he was a bit guilty, hiding something with his hand.

I smiled pretending I hadn't heard any of the conversation, walking towards them trying to make light of things, "I knew I shouldn't have had that extra cup of tea."

"Good job it's me she's marrying, can't hold her drink," Simon said and they both chuckled.

"Makes two of you then," said Tim as Simon blushed.

Simon held out his hand to me and I walked quickly to him and he pulled me to his side, his arm around my waist in a proprietorial way.

"Go on then show her," urged Simon.

"It's okay darling, I don't need to see it. Shall we go we have some shopping to do?" I said nervously.

"It's alright you know, just don't make a habit of it." He said, and I knew they were going to show me some drugs, I'll bet the joss sticks were burning to hide the smell of cannabis.

"I'd like her to make a habit of it, more money for me, and you can afford it you jammy sod."

"I don't do drugs," I said trying to pull away from Simon.

"What!" they both said in unified shock.

"Well, that's what you're talking about isn't it?"

"Show her Tim," said Simon grinning.

Tim, with a smirk, the size of a battle cruiser, pulled something from behind him. It was a small padded box, which he proceeded to open.

"Oh! I gasped and swooned.

Tim caught me and led me over to a chair. He then got me a glass of water. I felt so stupid, how could I have doubted Simon? Was I really worthy of his love?

He was perched on a stool, looking concerned at me, "Feel better?"

"Yes thank you," I pulled off my coat,"I just got so hot. Sorry about that." I looked at Simon's tender eyes and then at Tim and began to cry.

"Hey, what's the matter?" said Simon grasping my hand and squeezing it.

"I'm sorry, I've made such a fool of myself, I overheard your secrecy and thought you were buying drugs or something. I am sorry," and sobbed. "I suppose you don't want me to marry you now, trust and so on."

There was a short pause before he said, "I'm afraid after that I have to withdraw my offer, you leave me no choice."

"I understand," I sobbed, my heart now totally broken. Tim handed me a tissue.

"You okay?" Tim asked when the tears started to dry up.

"No, but I'll live," I said with a wavering voice.

Then Simon seemed to fall down and I gasped and tried to get up to help him. But he pushed my hand away, "I'm alright." He struggled to get his one leg up from a kneeling position. Then grabbing my left hand he said, "Catherine Watts, will you marry me?" slipping the ring on my finger as he spoke.

My heart stopped, or felt like it did. What had he just said and done? He was kneeling in front of me, and had proposed....but I thought that was all over. Oh my God.

"But....I....but...you? Yes, yes of course I'll marry you." I threw my arms around him and held him tightly. "I love you Simon Cameron."

"Oh shit! Here Tim, gi's a hand up." He was so romantic.

"This ring is so beautiful, I absolutely love it." I said, unable to believe the beauty of the jewellery upon my finger. "How did you know my size?"

"Ah that was Stella, when you took your mother's ring off to shower, she did an impression in some plasticine."

I shook my head in amazement, it was like a dream.

"I asked Tim if he'd design something for me with sapphires and diamonds. I knew you liked sapphires and I believe it's also a birthstone for Sagittarians."

"Depends upon the reference source, but blue stones seem to be. Certainly turquoise is."

"Not for an engagement ring, surely?" said Tim almost with disdain.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry, it's all been something of a shock. But a lovely one," I added quickly.

"Tim is one of the leading goldsmiths and jewellery designer in Europe, I was lucky he was going to be here for a few days."

"So this isn't your shop then?" I asked.

"God no, it's my sister's. I have a place in Bond Street, above one of the big jewellery shops. I also have a place in the Hague, which is where I am most of the time.

"How did you know I liked sapphires, Simon?"

"You wear that necklace a lot, I got a photo of it when you were cooking and sent it to Tim, he used it to base his design on it."

"It's my mum's or was, so it's special to me."

"I know, and it's a beautiful necklace and earrings."

"It is lovely," said Tim, "so I was delighted to work from it. Never let anything happen to it, it's a beautiful piece of work."

The only time I was more conscious of my hands was the first time I wore nail varnish, and I primped about the house while my parents were out. It was my mother's and a bright red colour. I used half a can of air freshener getting rid of the smell of it and the subsequent remover. But I spent an hour doing things around the house looking at my fingers.

I thanked Tim and pecked his cheek as we left. He seemed really quite nice once I'd got my facts right. How could I have been so stupid?

We drove back to the cottage, Simon had upset his knee and was limping quite badly and I felt exhausted and almost in a trance. Rather than drive, all I wanted to do was sleep with Simon cuddled around me, his arm around my waist, maybe gently stroking my breast and....

"Watch out!" shouted Simon, and I slammed on the brakes, an old lady had wandered out on a zebra crossing. I felt myself go red and a tear formed in my eyes.

He touched my leg and squeezed it, a bit like that driving instructor I had, only this was nice. I got us home in one piece and collapsed in a chair. Simon phoned for a take away - thank God it was Chinese, I hate pizza.

After we cleaned up, and I made up a new breadmix, we went and cuddled together on the sofa, and I fell asleep, feeling like I'd won the lottery, only better.

The next morning after turning out the bread, which Simon pigged out on, I told him I had to go and sort out the dormice cages. He was slightly miffed, but understood. I invited him to come with me, but he declined, his knee was still sore and swollen. I promised that I would get a joint of meat on the way home and do him a traditional roast dinner with all the trimmings. His eyes lit up immediately and he nodded.

I set off for the university. I have key codes for access when it's closed. Yesterday, there had been one or two students about, sunday mornings, it is like a grave.

I let myself into the laboratory area and began cleaning the cages and replenishing the food stocks for the dormice. I stopped and held my breath and listened. I shook my head, it was probably one of the rats in another room, running on his wheel. They are worse than hamsters and they seem to have a cadence as fast as Brad Wiggins.

There was no sound, just a fridge coming on. I was letting my imagination run away with itself, just like I did yesterday at the shop, I admired my ring as it sparkled in the daylight outside the cages. It was really beautiful, I wasn't I was in jeans and a sweater although they did show my body was changing for the better, the results of the hormones.

I had just cuddled Spike and showed her my ring, put her back and closed the cage, when I definitely heard something. It was neither a fridge nor a caged animal. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I wished Simon were with me. If only he hadn't done that stupid gesture of kneeling, he could have come with me. I felt afraid.

I picked up my mobile and was about to dial Simon, when the noise got closer ....

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Oh dear I ran out of time, never mind, leave some comments and I might just find some tomorrow.... perhaps! Hee hee(sounds of demonic laughter - oh it's Bonzi.)