Life doesn't seem to come easy to Cathy, and when it does she doesn't believe it.

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad & Bonzi Cat.
part one hundred and unlucky for some, thirteen.

My evening with the professor was a long one. Essentially it's purpose was to persuade me to do the pictures they required for the posters and leaflets.

I argued that it could backfire on them, if my background were to become known, the press would have a field day. He didn't seem to think so. I stuck with my original view and agreed to nothing. As I was driving back to my room, I couldn't drink, so all in all it wasn't the best night out I'd ever had.

"Why can't you ask Bristol or York if they have someone photogenic they could use?"

"The bank appears to want you."

"Is that because I'm having a relationship with the Chairman's son?"

"Are you? I didn't know Simon was Lord Stanebury's son."

"Yes he is, so what would the tabloids make of that?"

"I have always agreed with the Duke of Wellington on one thing," he sipped his coffee.

"I'll bet it has nothing to do with Waterloo, "being a close run thing,",I offered.

"You'd have won your bet, young woman, it doesn't."

"Publish and be damned," I said feeling my stomach flip over.

"Give that lady a coconut," he said pointing at me.

"I think his social standing may have given him the edge on me, plus having had affairs with several high-status females, especially ones with whom Bonaparte also had affairs, may have actually enhanced his reputation. Being labelled as transsexual in the local rag is unlikely to do much for mine, let alone Simon's."

"It was he who wanted you and your furry vermin on the poster."

"My furries aren't vermin, they're a protected species."

"Okay, protected vermin." He was deliberately winding me up and as usual, I was falling for it. Why did I never see it coming until I had become annoyed? It was a real blind spot, just like hunting, I got angry very quickly. I found the arrogance of humans towards other creatures to be insufferable, especially as it was based on religious grounds at one time and had progressed from there. To me 'owning' a fellow living creature was like having slaves, morally abhorrent. We could be responsible for other creatures because they didn't appear to have our levels of sophistication. But ownership is something I do with inanimate objects only. I can own a bike but not a dog or cat, they could be my pets or companions but my chattels - no.

I was a little lost in my own world of subjective values when the professor nudged me under the table. "Oh!" I jumped.

"I began to wonder if you were doing some self-hypnosis in order to stay in my company? Am I that poor a dinner host?"

I blushed. "Of course not, you're a lovely companion, I'm just tired after last night and then the exam today."

"Of course you are, my dear. How selfish of me to keep you from your bed, although I'm envious that I won't be getting into it with you." He winked, implying that it was simply his joke, except that I suspected it was true. It astonished me that anyone could find me sexually attractive, especially when they knew the truth.

It worried me a little about Simon, although he had supposedly fancied me before he knew, which had amused Stella so much. The professor had no such an alibi, he knew from the beginning, so was he bisexual? It was of course none of my business, but that didn't stop me from wondering.

I got home at midnight and after hanging up the dress dived into bed and fell asleep in moments. I would still have been there if the doorbell hadn't been ringing so loudly.

I had combined it into a dream, I was desperately trying to find which room in this huge building was the toilet, and a ladies' one. Then I was startled to hear the fire alarm, and was racing around the place trying to find the loo and the fire exit. I needed to go very badly and it would be just my luck to burn to death with a full bladder.

Eventually, consciousness won and I awoke, stumbling to the loo while calling to door to 'hang on a second'. The flush was still running as I opened the door. I squinted through bleary eyes at Stella.

"Cathy, why aren't you dressed?"

"What time is it?"

"Seven-thirty, I thought we were going to Bath?"

"What for, as Simon is in hospital, I'm not gonna meet your parents, am I?"

"Yes you are, they're coming down tomorrow to see him and are taking us to dinner afterwards."

"Oh bugger!" I said and let her in.

"Come on get yourself showered and dressed, I'll put the kettle on."

"I'm not going." I decided to dig my heels in.

"Yes, you are now get yourself into gear."

"Stella, I know what I am doing and going to Bath, is not one of them."

"What?"

"I am too fucking tired to go anywhere, besides I don't want to."

"But what about tomorrow?"

"What about it?"

"Wouldn't you like something new to wear to meet my father and step-mother?"

"Not really. If they can't take me as I am, then I'm afraid they'll have to leave me. Dressing me up in designer clothes won't turn this sow's ear into a silk purse."

"Don't you want to meet them?"

"I'll willingly meet them and stay polite and courteous to them because they're your parents."

"Okay, what's wrong with them?" she went on the defensive.

"Nothing, as far as I know, I just think I shall be out of my depth with them. They're sophisticates I'm not. Until I met you, the only designer label I had was on my cycling shoes."

She thought that was hilarious and laughed loudly. "Don't be silly, they're no more sophisticated than you, just richer."

"I don't know one end of a canape from the other and as for hors d'oeuvres, well I'm a total ignoramus."

"We won't be having either of those tomorrow."

"If we were I wouldn't know anyway. I don't operate in those rarified circles." I could feel myself getting hotter as I became more embarrassed.

"My father will absolutely love you." She beamed a very superior smile at me and I wanted to slap her.

"How can you possibly know that?" I challenged.

"How can you say he won't?" she countered and I knew she had me there.

"I'm a prole who disapproves of capitalist excesses and....."

"He disapproves of it too," she smiled.

"But he has how many homes?"

"He only lives in one, the others have to pay their way."

"By slaughtering wildlife," I said moving away from her gaze to make the tea.

"Not wildlife, but birds bred for shooting. He gets very angry if anyone harms wild birds on the estate."

"It's a different world," I said feeling out-gunned by her, so how was it going to be like with her father.

"What has that got to do with it? He's only a man, a rather wealthy one, I'll admit, but a man nonetheless."

"So what are you trying to tell me?" We both sat at the table and began drinking our tea.

"Look, when he found out that Simon was going out with someone, he contacted me for a report."

"Oh my God!" I groaned and held my head in my hands, "He'll have detectives on to me next. Et tu, Stella."

"I didn't betray you, Cathy. All I told him was that I had met you, that you were a very clever and beautiful lady and I liked you. He said he wanted to meet you."

"Why? It's arguable that Simon and I are barely dating, we've only been out a few times. It's only a few weeks since you tried to kill me. Why should he want to meet me?"

"I told him you rode racing bikes."

"Yeah, so?"

"He did in his youth, he still rides occasionally. So anyone who rides a bike has got to be okay?"

I felt as if I was digging myself deeper into my hole, Stella easily countered everything I said.

"Why did you tell him I was clever?"

"You're doing a PhD for Chrissake, you're hardly a moron are you?"

"I haven't got it yet, I might not."

"Oh come on, Professor Agnew thinks you will. They gave you a distinction for your master's, you are pretty bright however much you deny it. As for the false modesty about your looks, well," she rolled her eyes, " it's all false modesty. You just like to soak up the praise."

I felt my eyes begin to water and a drop of scalding brine ran down my cheek and dripped onto my lap. Stella spotted the next one and realised she had gone too far. She looked sheepish for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Cathy," she went to put her arm around me and I pushed her away. "I forget you're rather new to all this, you seem so natural at it."

Her comments weren't helping the wound she had inflicted a sentence or two before. I was so happy to be who I felt I was meant to be, but coping with the reactions of others was a new experience. Being found desirable after a lifetime of disappointing others, was baffling to me. It was lovely, I think, but I didn't trust it, because they could denounce me in a moment too.

I wasn't into false modesty. My modesty was real and genuine because that was how I was brought up. Do my best but not give way to flattery or conceit. Praise didn't happen in my world. How could I tell that to someone who had probably spent her whole life being told she was special by someone who had also been told the same and believed it.

I was only special because I was a freak, one of a tiny number of people who thought they were in the wrong body. I wasn't special, I was weird, so how could anyone find me attractive let alone love me? Not unless they were a bit strange themselves. Add to this, I was damaged by my parents with no self-esteem and probably other flaws and I am bad news to any sort of relationship. I didn't know what Simon could see in me, so what the hell could his father want with me except to warn me off. I was becoming frightened of him and didn't want to meet him at all.

"Can you give my apologies to your parents, I can't do this."

"Yes you can, I think you'll actually like my dad."

"I don't want to do it."

"C'mon Cathy, it will be fun, you'll see."

"But I don't want to, why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? I don't bloody well want to, is that clear?" I slammed my mug onto the table and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door after me and locking it. I sat on the toilet seat and wept.

"Cathy, please come out," she called through the door, knocking gently on it.

"Go away," I shouted back and cried some more.

"If that's what you want." I heard her shut my front door.

Now I really was depressed, I had nearly got the man I loved killed in a shooting accident, then driven away his sister, one of the only friends I had and an incredibly jealous one. I didn't deserve to be happy, I was a total waste of space. Maybe things would have been better if they had shot me instead and finished my misery, instead of my lovely man?

I stepped out of the door and started when I saw Stella sat at my table reading my master's dissertation. "This is very good you know," she remarked turning over a page.