"Clearly we have some problems with the past. What about the future? How does Cathy see her future?" Stella tried to assert some control over the proceedings. "Do you still want to marry Simon?"

"I don't know?"

"Do you still want to marry Cathy?"

"Not if she's going to act like...."

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad,
part 199.

The drive back to Tom's was one of the longest I can remember. Simon said nothing and I sat there feeling extremely stupid. Why couldn't Stella have come? Perhaps he insisted, but why? Was this some form of power play - men don't lose it like that, only hysterical women! No men don't lose it like that, they go out and smash things or hit people.

In reality, the drive back probably took about twenty minutes or at most half an hour, but my mind and real time were on different settings. My mind was whirring like a demented clock, ideas and pictures kept flashing through it, none of them were nice.

Was I finally cracking up? It felt like it. Perhaps I should call Dr Thomas? She'd really go to town on me and might even cancel my surgery. I had to have that surgery, I really did, so I could die complete. That caught me on the funny bone and I had difficulty not sniggering. What was so funny? The idea of cutting something off to make me complete, sounded totally Irish!

We arrived at Tom's and Stella held the door open as Simon followed me in. He repelled my attempts to deal with my wet clothes, shepherding me into the lounge. Stella followed him in a few moments later with a tray of coffee. Nothing was said as we sipped silently on our coffees.

Finally, Simon put down his mug and said, "We need to talk. I'd like Stella to stay to make sure we keep it relevant and not start on each other. Is that okay with you?"

I nodded and felt myself filling up.

"Why did you run off like that?" he asked me.

"I thought you had changed your mind about me. You rejected me in bed."

"I didn't reject you Cathy, just the remnants of Charlie."

"It's still part of me for another two weeks. You knew I was off hormones and that I wasn't glued up inside."

"Yes, but I hadn't considered what those consequences were. Now I know and I didn't handle it terribly well."

"You rejected me last night and again this morning. I decided not to give you a third chance."

"So you took off like an angry schoolgirl?"

"I needed to be alone, to think." Tears were streaming down my face.

"You could have done that here, not gone rushing out into the cold and dark. Didn't you know it was going to rain?"

"No, I was too upset to think, besides, I'm allowed to go out if I want to, I don't need your permission."

He stood up and threw up his arms in frustration. Then he walked around the room and sat down again.

"Are you going to do this every time we have an argument? Run off and hide?"

"Why are you going to bully me and treat me like a six year old?"

"I don't think this is getting either of you anywhere is it?" asked Stella. I'd almost forgotten she was there.

"Clearly we have some problems with the past. What about the future? How does Cathy see her future?" Stella tried to assert some control over the proceedings. "Do you still want to marry Simon?"

"I don't know?"

"Do you still want to marry Cathy?"

"Not if she's going to act like...."

"How about a simple yes, no or don't know?"

"I'm not so sure any more."

"Why not?"

"She's changed."

"Has she?"

"Yes."

"In what way?" I was going to speak but Stella hushed me.

"She rejected me, she gave back my ring and seems to think I don't want her any more. She ran off like a spoilt child. She seems to have been getting more irrational over the last few weeks."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I have no idea."

"None at all?"

"She's known about the surgery for weeks, I suppose her dad might worry her. The press business was a bit of a pain but it seems to have died down."

"So perhaps she's under a bit of stress?"

"A bit, but no more than me at the bank."

"Yes, I can see your point, it is a stessful job and with the hostile bid, things are a bit more hectic than usual. And of course you do have Cathy to worry about as well."

I wanted to jump up and hit both of them, but under Stella's withering glower, I shrank back in my chair.

"Yes, I know she is under a bit of pressure, but you get used to it."

"So, she is under a bit of pressure."

"Yes."

"But no more than you are?"

"Yeah, I suppose so."

"And you think she should cope?"

"I suppose so."

"Is that it?" asked Stella.

"All I can think of for the moment, why?"

"I was just wondering."

"Wondering what?"

"Why she's stuck you this long?"

"What?"

"Look big brother, sit down and shut up and maybe you'll learn something." Stella stood up and Simon shrank back in his chair.

Stella spoke as she walked around the room. "I want you to consider something Simon."

He nodded back to her.

"Imagine you have spent the first twenty years of your life being confused about who and what you are, and when you start to reveal it, you get hostile and angry answers from those you trust."

"We've been over this," he protested.

"Just humour me," she snapped.

He shrank back again.

"Okay, so you fought the system because the system tells you you shouldn't feel like this, it's wrong or weird. So you get defensive and hide how you really feel. Occasionally it slips out and you get a the odd hiding and rejection from those who should love you, but it seems only on their terms.

You escape and live away from them, well sort of live because you still haven't resolved anything, except escape from home and some autonomy. You don't have the money, strength or maturity to do what you want.

More abuse occurs in the place where you should feel safe, so you escape again and by sheer bloody coincidence meet up with someone who accidentally causes you to face up to your issues. Then by a series of further coincidences, others encourage you to confront and overcome your issues.

It seems to be working until you get into a relationship and despite trying to not make it work it does and you get seriously fond of your partner. He doesn't know your true status and although you keep confiding in his sister, who advises you against it, you want to tell him because the deceit is hurting you so much. The sister advises you not to, because his track record is poor and natural wastage may save you having to humiliate and embarrass yourself and him.

However, you go ahead anyway and amazingly he copes after a bit of thought. Then once he takes it on board and truly thinks about it, he actually says it doesn't worry him, especially as you are intending to sort out the little problem as soon as you can.

Things seem to blossom, and you confide to the sister, that you are so happy and so in love you can't believe your luck and are waiting for things to go wrong, because they always do.

But for the moment they don't. Meanwhile your mother has died without being brought on board and your father seems to be vacillating, then has a stroke. The pressure starts to rise and he demands attention from you.

Not only that but work is becoming more pressured as you begin to be appreciated by your boss who keeps throwing extra work and responsibility at you. You have the odd up and down with your boyfriend, but things go well enough for him to introduce you to his looney family, who all love you for yourself. They're crazy but genuine, unusual for bankers. Your boyfriend becomes your fiance and makes life even more risky for someone with a past.

Then you get threatening notes and someone tries to kill you. It's someone you liked and trusted and also your boss gets hurt saving you, and you end up under even more pressure of work. Then the press gets to meet you without suspecting your past until one of your fiance's friends digs up some mud and although he doesn't cast it, others are soon on the trail because of your fiance and his employer.

Pressure is now all around, not helped by your boy scout approach to life, can't avoid helping old ladies across roads, catching purse snatchers and saving babies in burning cars, not to mention juggling dormice and getting your fiance shot by poachers. Okay that was earlier, but it doesn't really matter.

The press begin to chase you and you are advised to go public. You do having been exposed on TV with jumping dormice and burning rescues. You are a B list celebrity because you are cute, caring and charming and engaged to one of the richest families in Europe.

Suddenly everything gets hostile, strangers are trying to discredit you if not injure or kill you because of your connection to the bank. You are pursued and threatened and have to go into hiding, so does your fiance and his know all sister.

More pressure from work, the sister sticks her oar in and helps your shrink refer you to a surgeon. Suddenly, the chance to become the real you, the one you've always wanted to be happens, out of the blue. It puts you under even more pressure plus you come off the hormones you've been taking for the past year or two, which fuck with your body and mind.

Then, just in case there isn't enough stress, a student of yours confides a medical secret which turns out to be a really bad one and you are drawn into a family in turmoil over a similar sort of problem you had. It's bound to push your buttons, but you soldier on when you should have been winding down to cope with the stresses and strains of surgery.

Instead of that, your fiance sulks when he remembers your imperfections and you stressed out of your little brain, run off screaming, frightening the rest of us to death. Oh you also give him his ring back, even though his sister told you never to do that, just to sell it."

"You told her that?" said Simon with a look of total astonishment.

"Course I did, what do you think I am, stupid?"

"No, you're a total bitch, but not a stupid one."

I sat there weeping silently, Stella had summed up my wretched existence pretty well. And it appeared to have washed over Simon without making him even damp.

"So what do you think?" she asked him.

"About what?"

"Jesus Aitch Christ Simon, are you fucking stupid or just deaf?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just explained why Cathy ran off, I'm only amazed she didn't have a total breakdown, the pressure she is under."

"We're all under pressure Stel."

"Go away, get out of my sight!" she said loudly and angrily at him, "and don't come back until you switch your stupid brain on!"