I don't know how long I staggered around the field, the rain still sheeting down, I was soaked right through and very cold as the icy wind whipped around me. Eventually I found the gate and got through it. I was shivering violently.

I tried to run to warm up, but my clothes were heavy with water and the ground was slippery with mud. I fell and fell again trying to get up. Where the hell was I?

Easy As Falling Off A Bike
by Angharad
part 198.

I dressed in the main bathroom and ran down the stairs, my eyes blurred with tears made the journey a little more precarious than usual. Then I was out the door, pulling on my coat as I went, making sure my key was in my bag.

From there I simply walked and cried. My phone rang a couple of times but I ignored it. It would only be bad news. If I could have relived the previous twenty four hours, there were several things I would have done differently. It was too late now.

I had destroyed the future, my future, my happiness. I really questioned whether I wanted to live any more. It struck me as ironic that Stevie wanted to live and was dying, and I felt like dying but would live. If there is a God, he's a bastard!

I hoped Simon had found the ring for several reasons, one being he would understand the messages he'd given me, another, the fact that I didn't want it lost, it was far too beautiful. I suddenly missed my mother, she could have advised me or at least comforted me. Effectively, I had no one.

I would have liked to explain to Simon but it was too late for that, he had rejected me. I had no intention of giving him a second chance to humiliate me. It was sad but I had my pride too. I was doubly sad that I would lose Stella as a sister in law, but that was the way these things happened.

I trudged along in my misery running all sorts of scenarios in my mind. In one I could see Simon talking with his friends at some time in the future, where he related his escape from nearly marrying a boy.

I had to stop at one point, I got so upset that I couldn't even walk. I wanted to fall down and cry hysterically, but I knew it would do me no good. If only I could go back a day or even twelve hours.

I was walking across fields and hadn't noticed how wet my feet and legs were from the grass and weeds. I wanted to go to a place where no one would disturb me or my misery, preferably ever again.

I was finished with men, they just hurt me. I couldn't go through any of this again. From now on, I would never let anyone close to me ever again.

In the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere, I found a large stone to sit on and screamed and sobbed for probably an hour. When I'd finished my throat was sore and so were my eyes. I was soaking wet, it was raining and I hadn't noticed. Worse than that, I had no idea where I was.

The rain was becoming heavier and I was now getting cold as well as wet. I already felt numb emotionally, now I was beginning to feel it physically too. I was also beginning to fret about where I was. Can people die from hypothermia walking in the countryside.

The rain intensified and I couldn't see much nor hear any traffic, only the rain, lashing into the ground and my hood and face. Was this how my story would end, like it began in a rain storm? I did wonder. In a way it felt complete that it should end like this, I'd gone full circle found acceptance, love and happiness. Then like a fool, lost one after the other like dominoes. Dying seemed a natural conclusion to my fuck up. It was what I deserved. God I felt cold. I started to shiver.

In the poor visibility, I couldn't work out which way I'd come. I couldn't really see the edges of the field and for all I knew I was wandering around in circles. I began to get frightened. Silly isn't it? Here I am half thinking about killling myself and I feel frightened because I'm lost. If I was telling a story, it's so preposterous that no one would believe me, except maybe a psychiatrist. It would also be ironic if I got pneumonia and died instead of having the surgery.

No I needed to stay fit and well, I had to complete on this, to get my body changed. If I died afterwards, it wouldn't matter, but I had to die a woman, not a man or all my suffering for so many years would be in vain. I started crying because now I felt frightened that I had messed that up too.

I don't know how long I staggered around the field, the rain still sheeting down, I was soaked right through and very cold as the icy wind whipped around me. Eventually I found the gate and got through it. I was shivering violently.

I tried to run to warm up, but my clothes were heavy with water and the ground was slippery with mud. I fell and fell again trying to get up. Where the hell was I?

I sheltered under a holly tree, it didn't afford much respite, but I could call for help. I pulled my mobile out of my bag, somehow the rain had got into it and it wouldn't work. I felt like throwing it away in disgust. My purse was wet so was everything else in my bag, it was raining that hard.

I had to keep moving, I was feeling sick with the cold and my shivering was getting worse. I really was heading for hypothermia. Not being sure of where I was going, I had to try and avoid retracing my most recent steps, although I didn't know if I was heading towards or away from Tom's house.

The rain started to ease off but I was feeling befuddled and sleepy. I knew I mustn't go to sleep, keep walking, I told myself. I fell again and it was so hard to get up again in the mud. I was filthy now as well as cold, wet and hungry. Abject didn't even begin to describe how I felt. My skin was beginning to sting with the cold and my hands were numb as were my feet.

I spotted a farm house and walked towards it. A dog barked at me but I didn't care, there may be people or a phone I could use to call help. I got to the door and banged on it. It opened just as I collapsed.

In the distance I heard voices, "Don't touch her, she may be on drugs or drink."

"Get the police."

"Looks like an ambulance may be more use."

"Quick help her up, she's cold."

To cut a long story short, they pulled off my top clothes and wrapped me in a blanket, I have a vague recollection of that. I also felt the hot-waterbottle, it was burning but beautifully so. I was shoved alongside a roaring log fire, and a woman held out a cup of hot sweet tea. I sipped it from her hands, my own were still shaking. I couldn't speak but she seemed to understand.

"Can you understand me?" she asked.

I managed to nod a yes.

"I'm going to try and get you warm enough to stop shaking, then take you up for a bath in warm water."

I nodded again.

"Then you can tell me what you were doing out in the rain, okay?"

I nodded again.

I did start to warm up. She came and checked on me every half an hour.

"Thank you," I said the shivering was gone.

"Oh good you can talk, what's your name?"

"Cathy."

"Okay Cathy, come with me up to the bathroom. I've shoved your clothes in the washing machine, to get the worst of the mud out of them."

In the bathroom I managed to convince her a shower would be sufficient and she provided me with towels and shampoo. She was quite a bit larger than me so she suggested she loan me some of her son's clothes as he was nearer my size.

If my phone had been working I could have called Stella to bring me some. But it wasn't and I couldn't remember her number or that of Tom's house. I felt extremely foolish to say the least.

The shower was bliss and I scrubbed myself from head to foot, the water eventually running clear of the mud. Then I shampooed my hair and rinsed it. At last my body and mind were starting to work again.

I wrapped up in the towel and worked another into a turban around my hair. The woman knocked on the door and handed me the clothes. A pair of jeans and polo shirt, with some Y fronts and socks.

Nothing fitted, it was all too small. She took it all back and came back with a nightdress and dressing gown. They were big but wearable.

We went down stairs and she made some more tea, this time I asked for no sugar.

"Okay Cathy, now what were you doing wandering in our fields in a storm?"

I told her about breaking up with my fiance and just running about in my distress. I also told her where I was staying.

"That's five miles from here," she said in near astonishment.

"I had no idea where I was," I confessed, "but I think I owe you my life."

"It was nothing," she said blushing, "just a nice distraction from the hoo ha of Christmas."

"Could I borrow your phone and I hope I can get a friend to collect me. I may need to make a couple of calls to get the number."

"Of course you can, it's through here."

I looked up the number for the university, my brain was beginning to work again.

"Professor Agnew's Office."

"Hi Pippa, it's Cathy."

"Oh thank God you're safe, Prof Agnew was worried sick."

"I need to get hold of Stella, can you give me Tom's home number?"

She did but then put me through to Tom, I didn't really need a fatherly lecture, but I knew I was going to get one anyway. I wasn't disappointed. He told me that Simon was beside himself with worry and Stella was anxious for me too. I told him that I was going to call Stella to come and get me. He agreed it was a good idea.

I phoned Tom's house and spoke to Stella.

"Oh my God, you are alright?"

"Yes, I got very wet and cold, can you come and get me?"

"Course I can."

"Can you bring me a complete set of clothes and shoes?"

"Yeah, I'll go and pack some up for you."

I explained where I was, the farmer's wife, Anne Smith, had given me directions to the farm. Then I had to sit and wait.

I thanked Mrs Smith for her help and offered her some soggy money for recompense. She refused and so I didn't push the issue.

It was probably half an hour later when the dog barked again and she went to the door. I had managed to dry and comb my hair into some semblance of order. I stood waiting for Stella to come into the room with my clothes.

The door opened and in walked Simon, carrying an overnight bag.

"What are you doing here?" I gasped.

"I could ask you the same question," he replied and I felt myself blush.

He handed me the bag and I asked Anne if I could use her bathroom again. Ten minutes later I was back down, dressed in skirt and top, my red boots and cardigan. It felt good to be back in my own clothes. I placed the bag of still damp stuff that had been washed for me.

Simon handed me my coat, and took my bag out to the car, then he returned with a small case of wine and handed it to Mrs Smith.

She tried to refuse it but he just plonked it on the table. She thanked him but was obviously embarrassed at the same time.

I hugged her and thanked her for her help.

"Goodness you look so different to when you knocked on the door," she said, then she looked at me again. "I know you, it's Lady Catherine isn't it?"

I was about to say no, because I thought that had long since faded, but Simon interrupted. "Yes Mrs Smith, that's her, Queen of the dormice."

"I saw you on the telly, the dormouse went down your jumper, now I remember." She laughed and I blushed and nodded.

Back in the car and heading to Tom's I took issue with Simon for the dormouse story.

"Would you have preferred I told her, yes she was on telly talking about her sex change?"

"No, I s'pose not," I said and looked down at my feet.