Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 179

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"I don't know who is worse, your dad or Dirty Des here?" I said smirking. Des protested his innocence vociferously and Simon sat laughing.

Easy As.......
by: A........
part: 15doz -1

I sat eating sandwiches and glowering at Simon. For two pins I'd go home and sod the lot of them. Sensing movement and expecting Helen Brody the news reader, I was surprised to see Des walk in the door.

"Hi Simon," he said walking over to me, he added, "Hi gorgeous," It was a wind up for Simon, but as usual he wasn't playing.

"So what's going down?" he asked of me.

"I find it a very curious coincident that they have just rubbed me up the wrong way and you appear. What are the odds of that happening?"

He looked momentarily guilty, but he soon recovered, let's face it he had more neck than the average giraffe. "I warned 'em that you were temperamental," he winked at Simon but I saw it.

"She's got a temper and I'm mental," said Simon.

"Don't I know it," said Des, "on both counts."

I glared at him, "If you're here to get me talk to Jermey Paxman, you're wasting your time."

"Nah, he'll talk you into that himself, he is extremely charming in person, you'll love him. I'm here to talk Simon into going on as well."

Simon did a double take, then visibly paled. "Why?" then added, "The bank?"

Des nodded.

"I can't, I don't have the authority to do that, they have proper spokespeople."

" I have an email from your dad," he showed it to Simon.

"How do I know it's genuine?" he asked.

"Call him up, if you don't trust me, while I have a quick snog with your girlfriend."

Simon pulled out his mobile and hit a rapid dial, "Hi Dad, did you send an email to Des? I can on the points mentioned, just push the attempt to malign and disrupt the proper takeover and mergers protocols. Okay, yes I'll tell her." He looked over to me, "Henry says break a leg or something."

"I'm not going on the stage tell him."

"You tell him," he handed me the phone.

"Hello Henry, it's Cathy."

"You sound as sweet as ever young lady."

"As do you kind sir," I could flannel too.

"You flatter me."

"Why do you want Simon to do Newsnight, or me for that matter?"

"Because I think it's the best way to break down the prejudice and it also gives us a chance to fight back against these thugs who are damaging my bank."

"Do you really think it will do either?"

"It's got to help your case for a beautiful, intelligent and articulate woman to charm the viewers out of their seats. And Simon can get the jump on the bandits after the bank. Will you do it?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"If we get through this crisis, there's a job for you as environmental advisor."

"I don't have time Henry, I want to finish my degree."

"It won't require you do very much at all, but it will make us look good and put 50K a year into your pocket before tax of course."

"That is tantamount to bribery Henry, aren't you as bad as the guys you're trying to fight?"

"No, it's something the board has been looking to appoint for some time. I mean you can do it for free if you want and donate the money to charity, but I'd have thought, what with a car to run and a wardrobe to maintain, it might be useful and it also gives you independence from Simon."

"It could compromise other things later on," I suggested.

"Don't do it then, but at least speak to Profesor Agnew before you decline officially. I'd like you to do it because you have more charm than Bill Oddie or David Bellamy, they don't turn me on like you do."

"What is it with you lot?"

"Oh I come from a long line of hot blooded ancestors."

"You are a rogue Henry Cameron."

"Yes but a classy one, don't you think?"

"Undoubtedly. I have to go."

I handed the phone back to Simon, who looked surprised at my conversation.

"I don't know who is worse, your dad or Dirty Des here?" I said smirking. Des protested his innocence vociferously and Simon sat laughing.

"So you gonna do Paxman?" asked Des.

"When it comes by Lordly decree, do I have a choice, besides he said he'd sack Simon if I didn't."

"He wouldn't dare," riposted Simon, "I know too much." He smiled smugly.

"I can believe that," quipped Des at which Simon gave him a Paddington hard stare.

Helen Brody arrived and we shook hands, I introduced her to Simon and Des.

"Are you sitting in on Cathy's interview as well, to reinforce your acceptance of her as a female."

"I find that patronising," he said, "anyone can see she's female, if they can't they need glasses."

"I agree entirely Lord Cameron, but it's not me you need to convince. When I met her before I had no idea of her past, and I still have difficulty believing it. I also don't consider it newsworthy any more, except for the marrying into a noble family."

"Her family is possibly more noble than mine, mine are a long line of twisters and crooks who made friends in high places."

"Wow a deconstructionist peer, have you been talking to Tony Benn?"

"Not recently, besides he chose to give up his peerage to sit in the commons, I'd prefer the benches in the Lords, were I to take an interest in politics."

I thought Simon handled himself very well, but it would be nice to have him there. If I asked him he'd do it, but I don't want that responsibility. He has to make up his own mind.

"Cathy you're still happy to talk to me on the programme?" asked Helen.

"Yes but live, I won't do a recording."

"Okay, as long as you stick to the agenda we set?" she said looking me in the eye.

"My thoughts entirely," I stared back.

At this she nodded and laughed. "Deal?" she proferred her hand.

"Deal," I agreed shaking it.

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Comments

I just hope…

…that Cathy doesn't get stuffed by Paxo. (our colonial cousins might not get this rather British thought)

Gabi

Gabi.


“It is hard for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” Thomas Hardy—Far from the Madding Crowd.

Funnily enough ...

... I'm not entirely sure I do either and I've been British for too damn long (ie all my life :) ) I've never seen Paxman in action except briefly on YouTube as I'm one of those rare westerners without a TV.

I love the dialogue in this episode. This soap opera is doing wonders for Angharad's writing. I just wish she'd get on with it - I'm eager for the interview.

Geoff

I don't have a…

…telly either, Geoff, at least not for the past 10 years. When my last one gave up the ghost I decided there was so little I wanted to watch that I have saved the licence fee ever since.

The pictures are much better on the wireless (steam radio)

Gabi

Gabi.


“It is hard for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” Thomas Hardy—Far from the Madding Crowd.

As always another great chapter

Great work Angharad but you have us poor damn yankees scratching our heads.Since you've answered all the references to people how about some info on the telly tax?plus how many free tv stations do you have over there?I get 14 in the middle of the desert southwest as I prefer free to paying for 300 channels of reruns.Amy

TV in the UK

Angharad's picture

There are 5 analogue/terrestrial channels. There are numerous free channels via a digibox, plus of course satellite and cable. Cable only happens in big towns and cities. It is all going digital over the next few years, which could be problem as not eveyone gets a decent signal.

The BBC (pbs to 'mericans) is funded by a licence fee, everything else is paid for by advertising or subscription.

I watch very little, spend more time on this bloody thing.

Angharad

Angharad

But you still have to buy a TV Licence!

If In UK, if you have a TV set in your house you HAVE to buy a TV Licence, even if you don't watch the BBC. It (the licence) costs (I think) about £150 ($300?) per year. Satellite TV is not free, and the so-called "Free-to-air" is free once you have your TV Licence.

I reckon it seems strange to you ’mericans.

Gabi

Gabi.


“It is hard for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” Thomas Hardy—Far from the Madding Crowd.

Of course it does

It's even strange to us Brits.

British TV

I can understand you not wanting to watch it or just not bothering, British television isn't fantastic. Digital is English for repeat until death.

Adverts are even worse. I'm sure you in the States get L'Oreal ads?

Who do they think they're talking to?

Words like Pro-tensium, Bozwelox, tautens.

Using statistics like "Covers up to 95% of all grey" - meaning it might not cover any of it.

Other cosmetic products make claims like - "Proven formula Clinically tested on 52 women" as if 52 is representative. They use words like pentapeptides, which I've not been able to find out about except on one website, which expressed it in plain English as "fucking expensive". My favourite one to hate is "82% of women tested agreed" and in the disclaimer it said 97 tested. Now 82% of 97 is 79.54 - which makes me wonder whether one woman wasn't sure, or was the 0.54 a very small woman?

Don't these companies realise that the viewers have grey cells between their ears?

Then there's the woman on the Kellogs ad who dives into a pool in one swimming costume, only to lose it on the dive and get out wearing another. Are we blind or should that be blonde?

Compared to these, Jerry Springer seems almost intellectual!

NB

Debatable

Don't these companies realise that the viewers have grey cells between their ears?

Anecdotal evidence suggests otherwise. Sadly, this is supported by consumer research.

I watch the L'Oreal ads to look at the beautiful hair, with the mute button pressed. I've found most commercials are more palatable when you can't hear the audio.

KJT

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"
Janis Joplin


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

Agreed

or should that be...

hear, hear!

Advertising

It's wretched - advertisers effectively come into your house to tell you that it's dirty, it smells, your clothes are dirty, smell bad and are faded, everything you own is crap and you are a crap person for owning them.

Whenever I meet anyone in advertising I punch them in the teeth.

When did you

Angharad's picture

see my house?

Angharad (blushing).

Angharad

When did you...

Google Earth, Angharad, baby. Google Earth!

Six years ago, we pulled the plug on the the
thousand channels thing. Up here in Maine, we
still get about half the channels that folks
do in the desert apparently, even this summer
when I was living the very top of Garish Mt.

We own Movies, only I'm not allowed to use them
this week, because I played the ballroom scene
of Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella just one
too many times...

Sarah Lynn Morgan

The answer

Wendy Jean's picture

is no.

I don't watch television

At least not since about 1995 with any kind of regularity. There are the rare show I'll catch but for the most part, I don't... I use my television as a movie-watching-machine. That's what DVD players are for!

I barely watch it too

I'm not a big fan of tv either but I do love pbs and I'm almost positive the telly tax has something to do with supporting the BBC.Pbs is free but they do ask for donations occasionally and they do receive tax dollars thru the corporation for public telivision plus they are now starting to show commercials a lot more often then they used to.I enjoy many of the foreign programs they play and I always get a laugh from the Red Green show.Most of their sunday night movies are from the BBC and they are doing a bunch of Agatha Christy stories over the next couple of months.Amy

Better Scenery

I listen to Radio 3 and Radio 4 with my eyes shut, because the scenery is so good on radio.

But the scenery is even better here at BC.

I suppose that I should not be surprised to find other television refusenicks here, where fans of the written word congregate.

I thought television was poor when I last lived in a house where there was one (1963). Now, if I'm in a place where one is on, I find another room.

Even the news presentation is crass. And as for the ads - others of you have put it better than I could. I have recently had to grovel and thank one of the companies named for some sponsorship for a public service body I'm in. I learn't the meaning of "sticks in your craw" that day...

Xi

Colonial Cousins

You're right, we colonials don't have a bloody clue.

marie c.

marie c.

HELP!

Could someone explain for us poor colonials the following:
1. who Bill Oddie is? and why is he important?
2. who is David Bellamy are? And why is he important?
2. Is the Paddington hard stare a reference to the paddington bear books?
3. what a deconstructionist peer is?
4. who is Tony Benn?

I've been able to keep up with the language barrier up to now, but lost it with this installment. Guess I'd better start reading the Britain section of the Economist again... Actually, this poor colonial does understand what the brits mean by stuffed, but it's to racy to explain here..

Explaining Brit speak

Angharad's picture

Bill Oddie and David Bellamy are naturalists who have presented/present wildlife programmes on TV.Bellamy is a professor of botany, expert on bogs/mires, Oddie is a bird expert, also actor was one of the Goodies a comedy series in the 60s or 70s.

The Paddington stuff relates to the Bear in the Michael Bond stories.

Deconstructionism - a late C20th school of thought which breaks down everything which was accepted as previous fact or wisdom, particularly historical stuff. can get very anal.

When applied to a peer, as in the case of Tony Benn, he gave up his peerage and title preferring to stand for election to the house of commons as an MP. He was Anthony Wedgewood-Benn, Viscount Stansgate or something similar, Geoff or Gabi will know.

The stuffing joke is a play on Paxman's name. There is a popular brand of Sage & onion stuffing made by a company called Paxo.

Angharad

Angharad

Stuffed ...

... can have several meanings apart from the rude one :) I'm often stuffed when I get back home after a hilly bike ride (and round here they're all hilly!). Context is all :)

Angharad's right about Tony Benn, as she is usually about most things :) (creep!) IIRC Anthony Wedgewood Benn is his current Sunday best name; he's usually referred to as Tony Benn. He has fairly wild, but well thought out politics of the left which, I believe, he sincerely holds. You may not agree with him, and many don't, but I don't think even his greatest opponents would accuse him of dishonesty. His son, Hilary, is a government minister. He is also even older than I and apparently drinks gallons of tea like Cathy seems to :)

The best thing about the BBC is not TV, but Radio 3 (classical music and general 'culture') and Radio 4 (speech, mostly) which is free for me as I don't have a TV licence. There's no longer a radio only licence. It's available world-wide on the 'net.

Geoff

Wondering about the taxes

When I lived in England in the 1950's, (teenage American Air Force Dependent); it seemed that there was a tax on every thing that ran on either electricity or battery. The Country was still coming out of WWII and still had many things rationed, so I guess some of the taxes came from that to help get the Country back on its feet.
I can remember the tax assessor coming round and even checking the radio (old vacuum tubes type) in our car (1954 Hudson Hornet) to see if it worked because if it did, it would be taxed. Luckily, a tube had burned out, so he couldn't.
He also tried to tax a large TV we had brought over, but due to the difference (at that time, maybe still) in TV systems it would not work in England, so he could not tax it.
Does this still happen or have some of the taxes been removed, or like here "in the colonies" more added?
The taxman was flustered to not know how to tax a very large Coldspot FREEZER that my parents had brought over from the U.S. because in the early 1950's there were not too many freezers of any kind being used in England, even in grocery stores.
He could not tax it as a refrigerator because it wasn't and at the time, tax codes did not list household freezers.
That was a neat way to "screw up everything". Just wondering, J-Lynn

Taxes

The radio and tv taxes you are writing about are actually a license fee.
At the time in question it was necessary to have an annual license to operate a tv or radio (wireless) receiver, a separate license for each receiver.

The radio license was abolished many years ago but the tv license is still in effect - I believe it is about $200 a year and goes to the BBC.

They actually have "detector vans" that tour the neighbourhood looking for unlicensed tv sets.

Visits from the Gestapo

Even though I haven't had a TV for over ten years, I still get occasional visits from the TV Licencing Department's "Gestapo". They arrive on your doorstep unannounced and demand entry so they can check if you are evading the licence fee. The even check if your PC can receive TV broadcasts, and if it can and you don't have any other TV receiving apparatus, you have to buy a licence.

Bahee, the licence fee is now nearer $300 per year now.

However when I reach my 75th birthday I might buy a TV again as at that age you get your licence free. Yippee—NOT!

Gabi

Gabi.


“It is hard for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” Thomas Hardy—Far from the Madding Crowd.

We had the detector van round

We had the detector van round a few weeks ago. We were OK, but someone down the street got caught and their TV set was confiscated and they will probably have to pay a fine too. You're right they are like the gestapo, it's just like you see in the war movies when they're trying to find a resistance radio operator.

Taxes

Angharad's picture

I suspect that what you are referring to would be import taxes or duties, either that or some sort of tax that has since been done away with or absorbed into something else.

The televison itself was not and has never been taxed (except purchase tax or now VAT) it was the receiving of broadcasts for which the licence was required. Radio licences were done away with because of the unfeasibility of collecting them through the development of the transistor radio, and because more people had television and it funded the BBC and licence collection.

Angharad

Angharad

What about...

Wendy Jean's picture

the internet? Nowdays it is a valid signal source for videos?

I'm deep into electronics, so a crystal radio (which was built by POWs during WWII) is easy and impossible to detect?

Like I said earlier, I was a dependent for the US military and spent some time in Britain, but I still find the concepts strange.

When you sup with the Devil, have a long spoon

Hey, Gabi your cousin is baffled. What the heck is Paxo ? Oh I see thanks Ang
We react to this like it's really true, Great Job !
Watch out, Live TV, once the bell is rung, you can't take back the peal !
The Spider's touch
Wait a minute, If you don't pay a fee, The television cops detect you and bust in and grab it???
Thank Christ we filled Boston harbor with tea
You will get my remote when it's pried from my dead fingers ! Give me TV or give me death !
Cefin

Cefin