Previously…

Looking at my watch, I turned away and glanced out to sea. The moon was low on the horizon and its light was reflected off the sea. It was all so pretty and totally different from where I used to live. Don’t get me wrong, Reading was nice, well the part where we lived was anyway, but things had changed and I no longer considered it home.

I could see myself living here in this magical place but it all depended on my Aunt and what, if anything she could do for me. I had no idea whether she would accept me as a girl. Lets face it, the world is full of bigots and my heart would break if she were like that. Maybe she found out that I was a girl now and wouldn’t accept me for who I was?

It was all a guessing game and it was getting me nowhere. I turned away from the sea and made my way up to Dun Roamin.

I started as someone grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.

I gasped.

‘Hello Andy.’

It was John.

And now the story continues…

His other hand grabbed my arm, the arm that still had a vivid and nasty bruise, caused, you guessed it, by the slime ball standing in front of me.

I looked around wildly; it was typical that when you wanted the cavalry, the only live thing around was a cat washing its private parts on a snow-covered wall.

‘H...how did you know I was here?’ I asked through gritted teath, trying to loosen his vice like grip on my painful arm.

‘I just kind of knew that you would try to find Abby. She’s your only living relative, as far as I know. As you wouldn’t answer my texts or messages; it didn’t take much imagination to know where you were going. I have been driving for hours. Look, you have to come home.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you belong there, with your family.’

I got the impression that he wasn’t being sincere and I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him; which wouldn’t have been more than an inch because he was a big bloke.

‘I did belong there, but I don’t any more. You did a hateful thing to me and you hurt me. You won’t let me live as a girl and on top of that, the boys can’t stand me. Let go of my arm, you’re hurting me!’

He was pulling me along now and still no one was about and joy on joy, it had started snowing again.

‘Look, no argument, you are fifteen and I am your legal guardian. You are coming home.’

‘Would you let me live as a girl?’ I asked more out of hope than expectation, whilst still struggling to get out of his grip.

‘No, we have talked about this before. You are a boy and no amount of pills or future operations will change that.’

‘But I am a girl.’

‘Bullshit; why I didn’t come down on this nonsense before, I don’t know. Your mum was soft in the head for believing you.’

‘Don’t talk about Mum like that.’

‘Your mum was taken in by you. Well I am not and you will do as I say.’

We had reached the car park behind the harbour office. There were several cars and a van there, but no people. It was snowing quite hard now and I was feeling the cold.

John had stopped talking now and was virtually dragging me to his car, an Audi, which he had bought following Mum’s death.

We reached the car in a moment and he stopped in front of it and looked me full in the face.

‘Now are you going to come quietly or am I going to have to punish you?’

I wasn’t one for swearing or showing violence, but I was provoked and in pain.

‘Piss off John,’ I screamed and then spat in his face. With all the force that I could muster

He slapped me hard on the side of my head and I swear that I saw stars and then he bundled me into the car. My hearing was feeling a bit muffled where he had hit me.

I must have been a bit dazed, as the next moment I was in the car and he was driving up the hill, one of only two ways out of Penmarris.

As we drove up, I was quiet. It was all going pear shaped. I hoped so much for things to finally start getting better for me, but now, if anything it was worse — a lot worse.

We did pass a few hardy souls walking, or rather slipping along the road. The wind had come up again and it was blowing a blizzard outside. I had no hope of catching anyone’s attention in weather like that.

I felt a trickle of something wet on my neck. I felt it with my hand and I saw that I had been bleeding. Tracing it, I realised that I was bleeding from my ear.

I looked at John. His face was a picture. It still had some of my spittle on it, but it was his expression that caught my attention. I had never seen him like this. I thought that he was angry with me when he caught me dressed the other night, but this was worse. He was livid and I swear I just make out a vein throbbing on his temple.

‘Please let me go.’ I sobbed. ‘You hurt me again. My ear hurts.’

‘Don’t be such a cry baby, shut up and don’t speak until I tell you. I need to concentrate and you will be quiet. Just wait until I get you home…’

We had nearly reached the apex of the hill and despite the traction control on the car, we hit a really slippery patch and the car slid to the side of the road and I think the wheel hit a curb hidden by the snow.

He tried to move the car again, but the wheels spun.

‘Shit,’ he shouted. He turned to me.

‘Don’t move an inch, if you know what’s good for you.’

He got out of the car and went over to the front. He then kicked the wheel ¬ ¬ — as if that would help.

I tried my door handle; it was locked. He must have disabled it or something. I nearly swore then…

John went to the back of the car and opened the boot. He must have been looking for a shovel or something.

Without thinking, I moved over to the drivers seat, opened the door and ran for my life, not looking back.

I went as quickly as possible and because he concentrating on what was in the boot together with fact that he was constantly cursing to himself, meant that I had fifty yards on him by the time he realised that I had gone and had started after me.

My breath was coming in gasps as I tried to stay ahead of him, but he was big, strong and in condition, which he would be as he played rugby (legalised violence) on Sundays for the pub team.

Of course it happened, I slipped over on the icy ground and fell over. Luckily landing in a small pile of snow, so at least my fall had been broken and I hadn’t hurt myself.

I looked around and he was very close now, not more than twenty yards. I struggled to my feet and carried on running.

‘Fuck!’

I heard him and turned around. Unbelievably he had slipped on the same strip of ice as I had. How stupid can you get? I didn’t waste any more time, but carried on to try to get some distance between him and me.

I turned, or rather skidded around a corner. The snow was coming down thick and fast and my breathing was similar to that of an asthmatic sheep. Before I realised it, I was through an arch and then I found myself back in the churchyard. Looking up, through the curtain of descending snow, I could see the church up ahead. The whole building was still floodlit and next to the entrance, the bright Christmas tree looked really lovely. However I had no time for sight seeing as I needed to keep out of the clutches of my rather annoyed stepfather.

I glanced behind and he wasn’t in sight. If I hadn’t been a nice girl, I might have hoped that would at least have broken his leg. Knowing my luck, he probably hadn’t even been scratched. However, I wasn’t going to take any chances, so I hid behind a large statue of some long deceased signatory and awaited developments.

Just then the snow stopped again and the wind dropped. What was it about the weather in this place? It must be a meteorologist’s nightmare.

It was a good job that I did hide, as a few seconds later I could hear crunch of heavy footfall on the snow the heavy breathing of someone coming up the path.

I sneaked a quick look and then withdrew my head as I could see at a glance that it was John. He was limping badly and that was nice and probably explained why he wasn’t able to catch me up. He hadn’t broken his leg, but at least his fall had slowed him down a bit.

He was heading up the path towards the church, looking from right to left. He probably thought that I would go up to the church, being the only real shelter and I heard his footsteps heading that way. I took a chance and peaked around the statue again and this confirmed my suspicions.

My teeth started to chatter and I was shivering, not really dressed for the Siberian weather that was Penmarris after a snowstorm. My ear ached and I was not feeling quite right. I wondered if it ever got warmer there, but that was a daft thought as it was a seaside resort and people wouldn’t come if it were sub zero all the year round.

I pulled my coat more around my body. I was conscious that my long skirt and under that my tights were wet. I couldn’t stay out much longer without catching a chill or even hyperthermia.

I could hear footsteps again and slunk down as far as I could behind the statue, stopping breathing and trying my hardest not to be heard.

‘Little sod, just wait til I catch him,’ he mumbled as he past close by where I was hiding.

The steps went past me and few seconds later I sneaked a peek and could see the receding back of John as he limped out of the churchyard and carried on down the lane.

I waited a few moments, wondering what I should do. I had no choice, I had to get somewhere warm and I daren’t leave the church grounds until the coast was clear.

The church was still open. Perhaps I could go in there and wait a while and then try to make my way back to the B&B?

It wasn’t a good plan, but it was the only one I had. I just hoped that the place wasn’t closed…

I made a dash for the entrance and then opened the door.

‘Ooops,’ I thought as there in front of me was another congregation, much smaller than the carol service, but still a lot of people. Luckily, the organ had just started and this hid the sound of my rushed entrance.

I snuck into a pew at the back and tried to look inauspicious. At least it was warm in there. The hymn stopped and the vicar read a lesson. To be honest, I wasn’t in much of a condition to listen to him, as I was feeling a bit iffy.

Then I wondered whether John might return when he hadn’t been able to find me and I was frightened that he might come back and immediately see me sitting there.

The people all stood up to sing another hymn and I looked around for a better place to sit, out of the way of the entrance. It was funny, the music sounded a bit muffled and I assumed that it was the congealed blood in my ear.

Then I sneezed, but luckily, the sound was drowned out by the music.

The church had a main isle in the centre and beyond some large pillars, one on either side. I made my way to one side, well away from the entrance and sat behind one of the pillars. I was effectively out of sight of everyone and that suited me down to the ground.

I was now feeling rather hot and I took off my coat but I was still quite wet though and soon felt cold again and so I put it back on. The vicar was talking again and there were some responses from the congregation.

I felt a bit giddy, so I picked up one of those hassock thingies that they use as kneeling mats and used it as a pillow as I lay down on the pew, out of sight of everyone, hopefully.

Despite the sounds of another hymn echoing around the church, I closed my eyes and before I realised it, I was asleep.

You know when you are dreaming; it might be a nice one or there again it might be a nasty, horrible one. Well I think that I was having a nice dream, but I was awakened by a gentle touch on my shoulder and as soon as my eyes opened, I forgot all about it.

A lady was staring down at me.

I sat up quickly and wished I hadn’t as I was coming over all funny peculiar. I was light headed and my head ached.

‘Ouch,’ I said.

‘Hello dear, are you all right?’

‘Yes, sorry, I must have dropped off.’

‘My husband’s services sometimes have that affect. I’m Jocasta Gotobed and my husband is David, the vicar of this parish and the next one too.’

I looked wildly around me and noticed that the church seemed to be empty, except for us, of course.

‘Did I sleep through the service?’

‘I think so. It was a good job that I look around before we shut up shop for the night or you might have had to spend the night here.’

‘Sorry.’

‘You don’t have to apologise. But dear, you don’t look very well.’

She put her hand to my forehead and frowned.

‘Mm, you have a bit of a temperature and look a bit flushed. You aren’t local are you? I think I know everyone around here. Are you here for Christmas?’

‘Sort of.’ I said.

‘And where are your parents, dear?’

I looked at her and then for some unaccountable reason, I burst into tears.

‘Right, we can’t talk here. Come up to the vicarage and we’ll have a little chat.’

I wasn’t quite with it and it was almost as if I was in a dream as I was led out of the church along a path and then into a big house.

The vicar was in the hall and looked up from a paper he was reading. He looked questioningly at his wife.

‘It’s all right love; I will be in the study.’

He just nodded, gave me a smile and then continued reading. If he seemed surprised to see me, he didn’t show it.

I found myself I a room with book-lined walls and a cheerful log fire. It had several deep red leather armchairs and a chesterfield of the same colour. It was a nice cosy room.

‘Take a seat dear. Do you want some tea?’

‘Yes please,’ I replied realising that I was quite thirsty.

‘Won’t be a mo,’ she said as she left me to my thoughts.

My only thought at that time was whether I should tell her about what had happened to me. I was terribly worried that I would be handed back to John. I was still only fifteen and that meant that I was not allowed to do my own thing, as it were. Even at sixteen, it is difficult to manage without parental or state support.

I was of the opinion that I had little hope in my being believed over an adult, but I had to do what I could to convince her that I wasn’t telling lies. I was tired of running, being cold and feeling the way I felt at that moment.

She came back carrying a tray. She set the tray down on the coffee table.

‘Right, tea’s up; white or black?’

‘White please, one sugar.’

Soon I was sipping my tea and Jocasta was looking at me expectantly. I drank the tea down even though it was still rather hot. She had thoughtfully plied me with chocolate biscuits and as I was a sucker for chocky ones, I had two of those too.

I couldn’t put off the inevitable. I carefully placed the cup and saucer down on the tray and then looked at her.

‘Are you up to telling what is going on?’ she asked.

I took a deep breath and told her.

‘I…I’m not as I seem.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, I’m a girl right?’

‘Of course.’

‘But, I…I was born a boy.’

I looked at her and tried to see if she was shocked or horrified, but she didn’t bat an eyelid. Vicars’ wives were obviously made of stern stuff!

I gulped and then continued, as she didn’t comment on what must have been a strange thing for me to say. Just a slight smile played around her lips and momentarily I wondered if inside she was laughing at me. Then I glanced at her eyes. They were kind eyes, not the eyes of someone who was judgemental.

‘As I say, I was born a boy but I have always considered myself as a girl. After making sure that this wasn’t just a phase, my parents supported me and to cut a long story short, they took me to various doctors and psychiatrists and I was diagnosed as being gender dysphoric, do you know what that is?’

She just nodded but said nothing, so with a mental shrug, I continued.

‘I was too young to have any operation and also it was advised that nothing should be done medically until I came close to puberty. I was so scared that I might start sprouting hairs and muscles and that my voice would break, but the doctors kept a close eye on me.

‘Then three years ago, my dad was killed by a hit and run driver and things were never the same for me or my mum.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ said Jocasta warmly.

This made me feel better as I hadn’t had much reaction from her and I was a bit happier to continue.

‘It took over two years for Mum to get over losing Dad and I felt the same way as I loved him so much and we had been a very happy family, despite the problems that I had caused due to my gender issues. Anyway, we muddled through and I continued to be monitored with the support of her and the medical people. Eventually, it was decided that I would be given pills to block male development and I have been taking them ever since. I wanted the operation, but because I was still growing and for legal reasons, I was told that I would have to wait until I was eighteen before I could have surgery.’

‘How old are you now?’

‘Fifteen,’

She looked surprised. I knew that I look a lot younger than that. She didn’t say anything and I continued.

‘Eventually, mum got close to her manager at work and they started going out together. He had two boys from a previous marriage and they were with him rather than the mother. Anyway, as I say, John and Mum got very close and they married and John and the boys moved in with us, as our house was a lot bigger than the rented one that they lived in and anyway, mum owned the house with no mortgage so it kind of made sense for them to live with us.’

‘Did his ex wife have access to the boys?’

‘Yes, but she moved away from the area and I have never seen her and as far as I know there hasn’t been any contact; why?’

‘Nothing; sorry to interrupt, carry on.’

‘John was nice to me. I liked him and he was very supportive of me. The boys didn’t have much to do with me and we didn’t have the same circle of friends. They went to another school so it was only in the holidays that we came together. They were okay, but I must admit that they looked at me strangely sometimes and I did wonder if John had told them to go easy on me.

‘I went to a school that was sympathetic to what I was going through and in the main I was reasonably happy. I missed my dad and I still do, but things seemed to settle down and I was okay. Then…then Mum had a growth in her breast and it was a nasty one. The doctors tried everything but it was a very aggressive form of breast cancer and she quickly wasted away and then d…d…died.’

I was sobbing by then and I found it hard to talk. Jocasta hugged me for a bit and I calmed down after a while and continued my story.

‘The funeral was awful and I try not to think of it. After that I noticed that John and the boys started to treat me differently. At first it was nothing you could put your finger on just the occasional comment, sly looks or nasty dig at me. Then it got to the stage when I felt like I was a visitor in my own home.

‘Things reached a head when John told me that I mustn’t dress as a girl any more and told me flat that he didn’t agree that I was a girl, but a boy with silly notions about being a girl. He made me change school to the boy’s one and I hated it. I had to wear boy’s clothes and was told to forget the nonsense about being a girl.’

“I thought that he was supportive of your gender.’ Jocasta said.

‘He was while Mum was alive, but when all this came to a head, he said that he went along with it for Mum’s sake and now she was gone, there was no need to continue with “this farce” as he put it.’

“Hypocrite,’ said Jocasta forcefully.

I smiled weakly and nodded, I was getting rather tired now and emotionally drained. Also my chest felt tight and I didn’t know how much longer I could continue without keeling over. I think that Jocasta could tell that I wasn’t feeling too great, so she stood up.

‘Enough for now; I’ll show you to your room and you can continue telling what happened later.’

‘But I need to tell you!’

‘You look all in dear. I have phoned our doctor and she is popping around as soon as she can tonight. I’m not happy with how you look and I want to make sure that you are okay. I think that it would be best for you to go to bed and then if you feel up to it, we’ll talk later, if not it can wait until tomorrow.’

‘You don’t understand, he’s after me.’

‘Who.’

‘John.’

‘He knows that you are here?’

‘Yes; that’s why I hid in the church. He found me and tried to drag me away, but I escaped and he’s out there looking for me now.’

‘How did he know that you would be here?’

‘Because of my Aunt?’

‘You have an aunt?’

‘Yes.’

‘And she lives here?’

‘Yes; it’s funny, she couldn’t come to Dad’s funeral because she was abroad but she didn’t come to Mum’s either and I would have expected her to at least contact me, but I haven’t had a word from her. I didn’t have her phone number or address because a lot of stuff of Mum’s was chucked away when she died.’

‘So this John thought that you might come and find your aunt.’

‘Yes, she’s my only living relative as far as I know and he must have realised that I would go to her.’

‘But you haven’t seen her much?’

‘No, we haven’t been in contact even before Dad died. I think that Mum and her used to write to each other, but why we didn’t visit her or the other way around, I don’t know. Mum never really spoke of her much, except that they were very close when they were young.’

‘So you came here hoping to find an aunt who you don’t know?’

It sounded a bit iffy the way she was saying it and thinking about it, she was probably right. But I didn’t know what else I could have done.

The doorbell rang. A dog barked and then I could here the sound of voices.

Seconds later the door opened and the vicar came in followed by a woman.

‘I’ll leave you ladies to it,’ he said vaguely, ‘sermon, tomorrow, Lady Fairbairn…mumble…mumble.’

The woman smiled at Jocasta.

‘He shouldn’t let Her Majesty get him down.’

‘You know David, where Lady F is concerned, he gets a bit flustered. ’

She turned to me.

‘Sorry dear, in all of this hoo haa I forgot to ask your name.’

‘Amy.’ I replied.

‘Marcia, this is Amy, I found her in the church and she doesn’t look very well. I thought that it might be a good idea if you give her the once over. With Amy’s permission, I will fill you in on the details later, but can you examine her?’

‘Of course; hello Amy.’

‘Hi,’ I said shyly.

‘Right, you need to get undressed, I’m afraid. Do you mind.’

I looked at Jocasta uncertainly.

‘Do you mind if I tell Marcia about your status?’ she asked.

I just nodded and looked down.

‘Amy is transgendered and had some serious family problems. I’ll tell you more later.’

‘That’s no prob dear,’ said the doctor turning to me, ‘you aren’t the only patient around here with gender issues and it would take something pretty remarkable for me to be shocked.’

‘Do you want me to leave you?’ asked Jocasta.

‘Please stay.’ I pleaded.

‘Okay, I’ll just go and tell David not to disturb us.’

With that she left the room and I turned my back on the doctor and started to get undressed. I was still wearing my coat, despite the cheerful fire and I slowly took it off whilst the doctor pulled things out of her medical bag.

A few seconds later, Jocasta came back and I had stripped to my bra and panties. Reluctantly, I took off my wig and placed it on the chair. Then I turned around and faced them.

They both had smiles on their faces that disappeared when they saw me.

‘Oh no, they are disgusted with me.’ I thought as tears started to slide down my cheeks.

‘How did that happen?’ asked the doctor pointing to the livid bruise on my arm and my badly hacked hair.

‘John did it.’

‘John?’

‘John is Amy’s step father.’

‘And that was why you were in the church?’

‘Yes, that and other things.’

‘Did he hurt your ear too?’

I then realised that my blood-soaked ear had been hidden by my long wig.

I nodded.

Jocasta quickly filled in the details of what had happened to me with the doctor and after a few minutes I was examined.

It was pretty thorough and it included photos’ being taken of the things that had been done to me and after cleaning my ear an examination of the damage there too.

‘Does your hearing sound muffled?’ asked the doctor.

‘Yes, a bit.’

‘Mmm, you have a perforated eardrum. It should heal itself, but you might get earache and a loss of hearing in that ear for a while. I’ll keep an eye on it and check you regularly.’

Soon, I was feeling shaky again and I was given a robe to put on and taken upstairs to a nice bedroom. I had already told Jocasta about where my things were at the Dun Roamin B&B and she promised to fetch my stuff the next day.

I had a quick shower and brushed my teeth, then was given a cotton nightie. Soon I was tucked up in bed. The doctor, who said that I only had a mild dose of flu, gave me some pills to take and promised to see me the following day.

Before she left she sat down on the bed.

‘Look Amy, you have been through a lot and the only real things that will make you feel better is rest and taking away the problems that are worrying you. I will have to tell the police about the assault on you, but our local policeman is a very nice man and very supportive. John, if he is still around will not have access to you and in fact will probably have to answer for his actions in court. You are safe here, so have a nice sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow. Jocasta, plenty of fluids and TLC; can you manage that?’

Jocasta laughed.

‘I think I might be able.’

‘Will my aunt be back tomorrow?’ I asked.

‘Your Aunt?’ asked Doctor Marcia.

‘Yes, I was told that she lived in place called Jellicle Cottage, funny name that. Anyway, I went up to her cottage and there was a note by the door. It said…erm,

Mrs P, gone to L.F’s for the night, as agreed, please feed the cats.
See you tomorrow.

Abby and Sam

Although I don’t know who this Sam is; maybe Auntie Abby’s husband?’

I saw a look of shock on their faces.

‘What?’ I asked.

---

To Be Continued…

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue