Images 43

Chapter 43

I’m mad…I’m mad and sort of feeling a bit sick in my heart about finding out about this. Iggy was abused and I know I wasn’t in a good place myself then struggling with what and who I was but I just can’t help but really feel bad even a little guilty about me being that self absorbed back then that I couldn’t see the pain there?

I was over there at her place more than a few times and I never noticed the way that she interacted with him.

And just the thought of that sick bastard finding out about my daughter has my stomach churning in this…

God the thought of it just disgusts me.

I hit, punch the wall with one hand a few times as I head back downstairs. No it’s not my guy side rising up. I don’t have a guy side anymore instead I have a Mom side. She’s fresh right out of the package but that’s the person that just punched a hole in the drywall.

You mess with my family and it’s on.

You hurt one of my children and I will kill you.

Yes I went there.

I know it’s not turn the other cheek or that it says in the bible that vengeance is for God…well God’s in each and everyone of us so…

I’m pretty worked up by the time I get back down to the bakery part of the kitchen and Dad’s there looking at me.

“You’re upset.”

“Oh yeah….good reason too.” I’m rubbing my knuckles on the hand that hit the wall. Dad gives me that fatherly raised eyebrow look. I sigh and lean on the counter and start putting my apron back on. “Ingrid signed the papers and I sort of had to push her and while I was pushing her she sort of had a freak out sort of flashback moment I think and she let it out that her father had molested her and she was terrified of him getting anywhere near Giselle.”

“You think she’s telling the truth?”

“Yeah Dad she was way too upset and way too freaked out to lie about this…she really was having some kind of a relapse there.”

“He’ll never get near her Jenna but we need proof.”

“I know, I’m going to have to get Ingrid to talk to the police about this.”

“Yes and that’ll be as hard as pulling teeth I imagine.”

“As much as it’ll be to get her to see the doctors at the university.”

“Taylor might be able to help with that.”

I smile because I can remember the talk that he and Ingrid had earlier. “Yeah Tay’s got a certain way with Ingrid that might help.”

“And he’s been in her shoes too.”

“She won’t see it that way though.”

“No she’s still very stubborn and still very messed up.”

“Yeah but I’m getting a look at why though.”

He kisses my cheek and hugs me again. “I’m off I have to talk to Billy and then get these papers filed and everything. I’ll see you this afternoon or tonight okay?”

“Okay Daddy.” I give him a hug and a kiss back and head out to the front of the diner to get Giselle from Taylor. He’s holding her and he’s at the take out window cash and she’s taking the wrapped food and passing it to them with her “Hee...” grin and giggle laugh. She’s not sure what the tips are and money probably but she likes how shiny and stuff they are and she squeals or smiles and even claps a little as people are tipping really heavily into the tip jar and I can see a good number of loonies and toonies from here.

Y’know I was going to get her and finish the cinnamon rolls but I’m just actually going to just sit here and watch my guy be this walk right into it no holds barred great Dad.

And you know there is something so sexy about a guy that’s a good father…and I’m sure as hell not the only girl in the place having her ovaries go …..Ow…over the entire scene. Yes I don’t actually have them but I’m feeling them…I’m feeling very maternal but in this odd sexy way?

I mean he’s……blonde but he’s still in that under an inch of hair stage right now…blue grey eyes that just are like where the icy tops of the Rockies kiss the sky…a bit of sexy scruffy bead going on…and blonde scruff so it’s actually finer and softer than the really bristly stuff.

A t-shirt that sticks to him and jeans and a really great body too…six two…one seventy or so of nicely muscled man….and tattoos from when he was into the bikes with Billy and juvy.

Playing with a little girl and being sweet with her and actually showing her off to the people around there and telling her she’s doing a good job as she passes over the bags of food and takes the money and gives it to him.

Yeah…

Have I ever mentioned that I really love him?

I get Giselle from Taylor and share how I feel in front of everyone with a long minute maybe two kiss that has me pinning him to the cash by the take out window and we get some hoots and hollers from our regulars then I take her out back to the baking kitchen but put a little sway in my hips as I leave.

Giselle has no idea why everyone was doing that but they were happy so that makes her squeal and giggle along with the crowd and I smile and kiss her forehead then settle her into the high chair and get on with the day’s baking.

I talk to her as I make things and she watches but at the same time she’s having a whole lot of fun playing with the whisk and some plastic bowls. I don’t mind the whamming sounds as she drums away. It’s a kid thing right. In fact I smile a lot at it just because I have a baby girl my daughter and she’s making noise.

My daughter is making noise.

I mean there are just things that are really kind of miracles that you can’t get upset by.

I take a break and I head up with Giselle to the office and I get her changed and washed up a bit in the bathroom there and she’s young enough that she’s not enthused about getting cleaned up until I show her how to make bubbles with the soap in the sink.

I get her a pen and a pad of paper to draw on and stuff while I go though Iggy’s bag and her pills and I type them into the computer and look them up and what they do and what they’re for while keeping and eyes on my girl and once she’s bored with doodling I pull her up to my lap and smile.

“You wanna help mommy?”

“’Kay…”

I show her what I’m doing and she doesn’t get it but she learns Enter and I’m guiding her hand with the mouse and telling her when to click. I’m tell her “Good job” and “Smart girl.” I do it just every now and then. I want to start on this kind of thing too. I’m a believer in the idea that kids pick up on things when they’re this little not just words and the things that we say but our attitudes, the feelings we give off. Babies don’t get language skills when they’re born so they build on senses and experiences…we all do but it’s the early years I think that are important.

I copy paste things together into a file folder so I have everything in one place and I look through the rest of her bag and her papers and I toss some of the garbage out. I mean really…seven packet of gum with only like one or two tabs of gum in each? Used Kleenex just junk, nothing important but its Iggy and she’s always sort of been like that.

I guess caring about the little things is hard when you’ve been through what she’s been through and cancer…getting dumped…oh yeah I found her Ex’s phone number I’ll have to look into meeting her. I know Taylor’s been through this but come on…there’s things you just do not do.

Who the hell breaks off a relationship because the person you’re with gets cancer?

Then again…I have this sneaky suspicion that Ingrid might have been really hard to live with on purpose.

Yeah…well look at it from this angle. You get an abused, molested child you see them mess up a lot and a lot of them blame what happened to them. But that’s normal because it’s trauma really deep trauma.

But I think when this happens unless you are there really fast and put in a LOT of time and effort to heal these children you have these people that are in and out of life from jobs to relationships because they get to this point of where them asking why this happened because there’s no good answer for the evil just stops and it becomes this whole deep down there is something wrong with me.

And they mess things up even if they never mean to because this is so deep down.

Can’t hold jobs or relationships because that’s not for them, it’s what regular people do…but sooner or later there is this destructive spark there that wants to show the world or even themselves that…There’s something wrong with me…

It becomes a part of their self identity, a negative part but I think maybe this was part of why Ingrid has done these bad things to me and just in general?

If other people hate you, or dislike you as much as you do yourself does it hurt more or hurt less?

Is this cycle of things like an emotional only version of being a cutter?

Things are going so good and it comes to a point of that whatever it is being so good becomes pressure because of having something great in their life…of having something to lose?

See…I have been going to therapy.

Well actually she usually comes to me and it’s usually me feeding her and talking and having coffee in the kitchen while we talk about stuff.

Of course being TG actually means that I’m always got my nose in a book or in the screen looking up stuff like this. Most of us have a love hate relationship with stuff like therapy, psychology and even religion.

Looking for yourself and answers and all of that stuff.

Honestly Taylor’s my rock, he’s challenged the me I was and I know that I’ve changed as much since meeting him as I have since I started to be myself.

I finish in the office by sending an e-mail to Taylor’s oncologist explaining everything that’s going on and the whole power of attorney thing and I’m initially just asking for advice or a consult and second opinion.

Sigh…

I head downstairs in time to help with the lunch rush and we figure the safest place to have Giselle is beside the cash register. I’m not the best waitress we have and Taylor’s good enough on the line that I watch the cash and do stuff behind the counter after I move the highchair beside the cash in the corner of the counter and get her secure and she get’s into doing this “Hee…” laugh she does and after a bit especially when people talk to her.

I’ll say this she’s good for the tip jar.

Lots of questions too.

I’m open about them too.

Yes she’s mine.

Her birth mother’s really and is staying with us.

Yes technically I’m the father. (That one not so much.)

Actually since the whole thing with Troy it’s really not been a secret who I am and who I was. And people have actually been pretty decent about it and they’re being really decent about this too.

Actually I keep getting compared to her she’s got my blonde hair for sure and there might be a resemblance there but I’m not sure. But I really appreciate the thoughts at least. She’s actually really well behaved in this combination of her being shy to begin with and just staring at everyone and everything as there’s so much going on and so much energy during a lunch rush.

After the lunch rush I see Billy and Davey and they look like their heading out together which is odd as Davey is usually with Tim at one of the job sites and Davey’s here to see Nin and Billy’s here to see Kendal.

I go over to Billy while Kendal’s getting them both some lunch. “Hey, I need a favor.”

“Running in the family?”

“Oh?”

“Doing a favor sort of for your Dad.”

“Oh?”

“Club troubles and your Uncle Remy needs a bit of help.”

I’m drawing a blank. “Sorry…I’m still getting to know Dad…I didn’t even know I had an Uncle Remy.”

“Jeremy Powers…a really good dude by the word I got back from the chapter involved.”

“Oh, well maybe i should wait.”

“No, what do you need?”

“I need some pot.”

“Jenna?”

“No…not for me for Ingrid. She’s not eating and keeping things down and…”

“And it’s good for nausea and pain as well as it’ll give her the munchies.”

“Yeah, am I even being kind of an assuming bitch for asking.”

“No…yeah I’ll have Kendal get you some. You’d be surprised how many of my customers are people that need this for actual medicinal reasons.”

“Really? Uhm…how much?”

“Nada Jen.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s for you and you’re family.”

“Thanks Billy you’re a sweetheart.” I lean over and kiss him on the cheek and give him a big hug.

“Shssh…you’ll wreck my reputation.”

“Pfft, anyone who knows you knows you’re one of the good guys.”

“I’m not that good.”

“No…you’re not that lawbiding…I’m getting the difference.”

“Yeah okay so, how are things with the girl?”

“Giselle’s awesome.”

“I can see that but I meant the other one.”

“She’s really in bad shape…and I learned some stuff that sort of explains why maybe she did what she did….I’m not really forgetting it…it wasn’t right but I can’t let all of the stuff between us wreck this chance.”

“Chance?”

“She’s been through some heavy shit Billy her father was way, way to hands on with her when she was little.”

“Where’s he live?”

“4116 Strathmore court.”

“You want something done?”

I did rattle off the address and I think for a minute. I’m not above the whole idea anymore I realize. There might not be a way to touch him legally and some people might think this is wrong but my beliefs and faith aside I’m coming to realize that I live in the real world and sometimes life can reach out to crush you and sometimes God gives you the tools to make things…right.

I never thought that I’d be one of those sort of hard women but…

Billy gets up and pulls me into a hug. “We’ll leave that on the back burner honey. Just remember family is everything.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah… hey can I get you guys to take some stuff to my newfound family?”

“Yeah we’re just taking a small flight over so as long as it’s carry on.”

“I’ll be right back.”

I slip into the kitchen and get a cooler bag for our deliveries and I wrap up a whole bunch of my cinnamon rolls and put a couple of diner t-shirts in there too and a hasty note with my phone number and my e-mail address. “Hi, I’m Jenna, John’s daughter. Give me a call or something sometime because I’d really like to get to know my newfound family.”

I bring it out and give it to Billy who passes it to Davey and we all get some hugs and they head out the doors.

Hungry myself I get some rolls and some soup and I sit with the girls and Giselle and we eat she eats a good amount but gets a good amount of it over her and the highchair and myself.

Kind of a baptism really.

I see two of the cops come in that are regulars and I head over letting Kendal watch Giselle and she’s got this who me look and a bit of fear and also a bit of that melty girl with a kid thing.

“Marty, Jane…what can I get you two?”

“Usual Jenna how’s things?”

“Rough sort of another family crisis.”

“Anything we can do?”

“Yeah…see the cute little girl with Kendal?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s my daughter.”

“You adopted? I thought that takes awhile.”

“No my bio-daughter from before I was really me.”

“Oh.”

“Well that’s a long story but part of it is she’s here now living with me because her mom is really sick. And once we talked things out and I found out that her father had molested her as a child.”

“Fucker! How long ago?”

“Ten year at least.”

“There’s no statute of limitations on sexual assaults here in Canada it’s considered a federal crime but we need to talk to her immediately if possible and get things started in the investigation and so we can keep an eye on him.”

“Okay…I don’t…”

“Jenna, he won’t stop if he’s done this to her then he’s done it likely before to others and since or even still.”

“Can you guys do it now?”

“Hell yes is she here?”

“Upstairs.”

“No time like the present.”

Ingrid is so going to fucking hate this. I’m going to hate this and it’s going to be really bad…I call Dad and tell him what’s going on. He tells me that he’ll be here in half an hour and that I should call my therapist and see if she knows anyone that’s a specialist in sexual assault victims and can offer up a professional opinion of what Ingrid is saying, he’s asked Angie and she’s getting some numbers of the people that they contact for that stuff through the ER.

I call Marley and she gives me a list of three people and phone numbers and after a few minutes explaining things she says she’ll call them for me and see what can be done. She also says that the police should talk to her paediatrician who might have had suspicions of things but no proof while Ingrid was still their patient.

The police were on their phones as well during this time too. I guess when it comes to these cases they talk to the higher ups before getting in deep because it can get really big if there are other victims.

I tell the girls what’s going on and that I don’t know how long we’ll be.

I take a deep breath and lead them upstairs and to where Ingrid is. She’s watching TV sort of and sort of sleeping too and I look at her.

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

“The Police are here.”

Her eyes widen and she looks like she’s going to freak out and start yelling about it and I kneel down on the floor in front of her and look her in the eyes. “You have to.”

“But…”

“What if he’s doing this to another kid?”

Her eyes got a little wider and tears poured out of them….nope…she never thought of that and I can see the sick to her stomach guilt churning up there. I hold her hands in mine tightly.

“Okay…”

“For Giselle…right…”

“Yeah…”

I help her sit up and she’s looking like hell form this…the stress will not be good for her and she’s kind of sickly pale but she’s wiping her face and looking at the police as they settle in.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this but we have to do it.

Because not just is there Justice for Ingrid and safety for Giselle on the line here…he needs to be stopped.

Please God don’t let him be still doing this.

If...

If he is, I'll stop him...somehow.