"Why have you bought cat food?" asked Stella, "We don't have a cat."

"It was on special offer." I said defensively.

"We still don't have a cat."

"So, if ever we do, we have food."

"It can eat dormice, there's a hedge full of them out there," countered Stella.

Author's note: Version one was lost during posting, thanks Bill, I'll kill you later!

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad the Angry.
part:159.

Simon pulled in at supermarket, some of them stay open all night. I dashed in and saw they still had some of the evening papers. I grabbed a handful and a can of catfood.

The woman on the checkout, saw the five papers and gave me a peculiar look. "The cats like to read something when they're eating." I offered superfluously.

"Why can't they share one paper then?" she shot back.

"Can't have that, they are so spoiled, each one has a separate litter tray with wash basin so they can wash their paws."

She looked at the paper and then at me. "Here, that's you in the paper. Hey girls we have a real live celebrity, here in the shop. Lady Muck crimefighter and dormouse lover."

I blushed and pulled the purse out of my little bag. I slapped the five pound note in her hand and pushed past the group of store workers.

"Lady Catherine, you forgot your change."

"Piss off," I growled, as I nearly trampled a young couple who were coming in, an echo of cackling followed me from the store.

"I shall never shop here again," I said slamming the car door.

"Why, what happened?" asked Simon.

"Cheeky bitches!" I fumed.

"Report them then."

"Let's just go, take me home please Simon," I pleaded.

He was ready to go and play hell with the store's duty manager, and I suspect the woman would have lost her job. Maybe she deserved it, but I doubted she was there for the social life. I would just avoid adding to their profits in future.

Simon took us home, and I placed my purchases on the kitchen table.

"Why have you bought cat food?" asked Stella, "We don't have a cat."

"It was on special offer." I said defensively.

"We still don't have a cat."

"So, if ever we do, we have food."

"It can eat dormice, there's a hedge full of them out there," countered Stella.

"Well you can have it for dinner tomorrow, I'll make cottage pie."

She groaned and Simon, who was reading the paper said casually, "I like cottage pie."

"Aaarggghhhhhh!" yelled Stella going off to make tea.

Simon and I went into the sitting room. "Nice picture," he said.

I was about to interrupt when he added, "You can see why they call her Spike," I threw a cushion at him.

I sat down with the paper, 'Lady Catherine Catches Crook' said the headline, I groaned inwardly. The story had to be awful too.

'22 year old Catherine Watts, soon to be Lady Catherine Cameron when she marries her fiance Lord Simon Cameron, son of Viscount Stanebury, caught a bag-snatcher whilst Christmas shopping with her sister in law, Lady Stella Cameron.

According to eyewitnesses, an elderly woman collapsed with a heart attack, and Lady Stella, a nurse specialist, rushed to attend. While she was saving the elderly woman's life, a sneak thief, attempted to steal her handbag. Unknown to him, Lady Catherine tailed the offender and apprehended him with a rugby tackle. Community constable, PC Bob Dixon, who was nearby at the time completed the arrest. A 25 year old man has been charged with theft.

"I told her she should try for the England fullback position now Jason Robinson has retired," joked PC Dixon, "Was as good a tackle, as I've ever seen on a rugby pitch."

"I seen the whole thing," added Kevin Merchant 24, "I seen the bloke running away, and this young woman chasing him, then she jumps on his back and knocked him down in front of the copper. I think she was lovely, she could tackle me any time. I filmed it all on my mobile, but the police have lost it."

Asked what he thought of his soon to be daughter in law, Viscount Stanebury said, "We are enormously proud of Cathy and look forward to having her join the family. She has loads of bottle, and as a racing cyclist, is very fit. The thief would never have outrun her."

Lady Catherine, is a leading researcher at Portsmouth University, and is helping to run the forthcoming mammal survey of the United Kingdom, one of the biggest projects ever to look into populations and global warming, then in two years time, it enlarges to include the European Union, which will be the biggest European survey of all time. Portsmouth University will be leading the survey coordination.

Lady Catherine is also, one of the world's leading experts on dormice, which she breeds at the university, for release into the wild. The picture shows her with Spike, one of her breeding females.'

"Leave it to me," said your dad, "they have a bloody quote from him."

"It is a nice quote though, he is immensely proud of you," said Simon, before I threw another cushion at him.

"I'm still deciding who I shall kill first," I said, "you or your dad."

"Gee thanks, some reward for organising a birthday treat," said Simon his expression very down.

"If that was a treat, I'd hate to see what you'd do if you didn't like me."

"How was I to know the DJ had seen the Echo and was going to recognise you, I was up in Town."

"He was still going to embarrass me, singing bloody birthday songs, and what about the cake and the flowers? You organised them didn't you?"

"Prince Phillip and Dad are the patrons of the yacht club, so when I phoned them up, I asked them to make it a memorable evening for you."

"Oh it was that okay, I shall have nightmares for years to come."

"You can never please some people."

"Going for a meal down the pub, would have been sufficient, staying home and me cooking us a dinner would have been enough. I don't need to be spoiled."

"I like to spoil you," he said and kissed me, "Especially on your birthday."

"Teas up!" yelled Stella, just as life was getting interesting, she'll have to go.

"Can't you pay her to marry John?" I asked quietly.

"The bank only has about a hundred billion, it won't be enough!" he shrugged his shoulders.

"I heard that, I know you two are plotting, bloody Batman and Supergirl. The caped crusaders, ha!" She slammed down the teas and went back to the kitchen.

"I'm developing a nervous tic, living with her," I joked.

"You are, imagine what it's like after twenty seven years of living with Tigger."

I liked the analogy, I could see Stella bouncing up and down filled with enthusiasm, 'cos that's what Tiggers do best'.

"What did he say?" asked Stella returning with her tea and the paper.

"He was saying how much he'd enjoyed living with you?" I tried to say innocently.

"Usually he only says things like that when he's thinking of getting rid of me."

"Who me?" said Simon.

"Did he tell you he tried to have me sectioned one year, because he wanted his girlfriend to stay.?"

"Oh come on Stella, it was a joke, I was only sixteen at the time. You did get your own back."

"What did she do?" I asked, they were serious practical jokers.

"Tried to enlist me in the Parachute Regiment. Dad had to sort it out, she got a bloke who looked a bit like me to go in and sign up, he'd been practising my signature."

"Yeah, but then you forged a letter from me to the Pope, saying I wanted to join a nunnery and take holy orders."

"He wrote you a nice letter back," beamed Simon.

"I'm going to bed, don't forget your knickers are in the freezer or they could be a thaw point tomorrow!" With that Stella wandered off to bed.

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