Sweet Dreams-38 The first cut is the Deepest.

Chapter 38

You know there are times when you know without a shadow of a doubt when someone’s in love with you. I wake up in bed with Alex and I know it so deep I’m having one of my Ow my heart moments right off the bat.

I cried, I cried all the little kid tears that we hide away in real life. I lost my Dad and my life became this goddamned horror show. But really…mostly because I was really scared to death to…I never got to mourn him.

He was my Daddy…Boy/Girl when you’re little he was that Daddy we all should have had…not perfect but perfect all the same…the guy that made you toast in the mornings and pulled you through the store on your wagon while you got to be a big kid helping him by holding the bags of stuff so they didn’t spill.

The guy that sat on the sidewalk with you and taught you how to eat your iced cream cone. Taught you to ride your big wheel. Gave you rides up on his shoulders and pushed you on the swings in the park.

It all bubbled out of me in this crying fit that hurt.

It felt like I was losing him worse than before this time. Because I was having things about him coming out, coming up to the surface and as you get older…

You actually understand in a much deeper, much more painful way the things that you’ve lost.

I cried, I cried and I screamed and pushed and even hit and punched Alex because it just was too much and I had to get it out or that much stuff in me might tear me apart from the inside out.

I so didn’t like hitting him while I was freaking out, it made me get reminded of all the shitty stuff that might be ingrained inside of me and that made me bawl all the harder despite the talk that Adam and I had.

But Alex held onto me and never let me go no matter how bad I got.

And another bonus I totally freaked and the only thing that had happened with my nose was it getting all puffy and stuffed up…no nosebleed.

I’m trying to blink myself awake and I feel loopy in that drained kind of way but I think it’s a good drained kind of way. I feel Alex’s breath in my hair and his muscled arms around me holding me tight and keeping as many of the monsters away from me as he could.

He’s actually spooning with me and curling around me like he was covering me up and protecting me with his own body.

You know I don’t think I could’ve come up with a love existing in the ways that he shows that he loves me. It’d be fiction or it would have been. I didn’t even know that someone would do the things that he’s done, that he does for me and there is what I’m going to say this naturally girly feeling there now of what it feels like and how big a thing it feels to a girl to feel protected and to feel safe.

I’d walk through the sun naked for Alex.

I sigh and his posture changes like he’s awake, like he’s just been there waiting and holding me and watching over me on guard.

“Morning.” He says kissing my neck.

“Morning? How long was I out?”

“All day really.”

“I slept all day yesterday?”

“Well sleep was part of it.”

“I cried all day?”

“No, you detoxed all day.”

“Detoxed?”

“It’s what Jen had said when her and Cindy had come over.”

“They were over?”

“They’re still over.”

“Still?”

“Yeah, still they crashed on the couch about tenish.”

I look at the clock it’s reading 3:44 in the AM.

“I’m sorry?”

“No, never be sorry for doing stuff like that Hunter, you needed it.”

“Yeah I guess I might have.”

I get up and head off to the bathroom and I take a shower a fairly long one getting myself together and just sort of washing it all off of me. It’s sort of like I can almost feel the funky residue of my melt down on me. Kind of I guess in the same way that animals get a slick coat when their upset or in distress I’m washing off the residue of that.

I still love with a passion the feeling of being clean. Not that I’m scared of dirt but there is just something that soothes me about being able to take the shower puff and covering every inch of myself with a nice scented lather and wash the bullshit away.

I more than likely shower a little longer and more often then some people and I’m pretty sure that I wash my hair too much in the process mostly because I’m not girly enough that I cover my hair in the shower. I just don’t see then point of it. Well I kind of know the point but I’m not that attached to the way that my hair looks.

I climb out of the shower and I towel up and head into the bedroom to get dress and I’m met by a bleary eyed Cindy who sort of gives me a disheveled smile with only her panties on. “Uhm…Cin? Why are you nearly naked?”

“Uh?...oh Jen feels so good like that me and her’s touching together when we’re all snuggled?”

“Uhm okay but hello…Alex is here.”

“Mmm…nope you were showering and he decided to go of on his morning run so just us girls.”

“Oh…okay.”

She gives me a thumbs up and heads to the bathroom and I kind of turn and watch her and I really must be a girl and a straight one at that because I’m not really getting the guy seeing a sleepy hot blonde girl in her panties going around topless. I’m actually kind of wondering if I’ll get anywhere like that kind of shape by the time all the hormones and all the other stuff catches up with me.

I’m kind of wondering about stuff like that while I’m getting dressed just my sort of layabout clothes since I’m not going to school today. I’m likely going to have my mothers body type and while she’s that whole Nordic looking girl she’s on that skinny waif side of the whole thing and not the blonde tall voluptuous type of girl that Cindy and Jennifer are.

I slip out trying to be quiet into the kitchen to start on coffee and breakfast and not to wake Jennifer up either but she’s not there either. I get my coffee and I’m that girl that takes her mug and puts it under the flow from the coffee perk replacing the pot with my mug. Cindy comes out drying off and I take a few sips of coffee and take a clove out of the spice drawer and pop it in my mouth. She looks at me questioningly.

“Oh, I’m still quitting smoking and sucking on a clove helps with the cravings and I always get a craving right as I’m having the first cup of coffee in the morning. Where’s Jennifer?”

“Out jogging with Alex, she’s a runner I’m not.”

“Still you’re in great shape.”

“Weights and aerobics.”

“Oh, I’m not a big exercise girl.”

“Nope saw that but you have to feel like it, you just can’t really get into it if you’re not motivated. Oh there’s leftover Chinese in the fridge.”

“Okay.”

I dig out the Chinese food and I’m actually interested and nervous at the same time because I’m never really had Chinese food before and honestly I like all of it even the wong tong soup and the little bit of hot and sour soup we reheated. Chicke balls are awesome especially with cherry sauce and I think I’m tied between the beef low mien, the chow mien veggies and the pork fried rice we actually eat most of it cold and I’ll be a long way to go with using chopsticks but I’ve got pigging out down to a fine art this morning.

I’m really feeling pretty much not eating most of yesterday. Huh, it’s weird to actually be used to having stuff to eat now. Real food too, and as much as I’m eating if it’s new I’m taking my time with the first few bites of it and savoring the taste, so far there’s been nothing I don’t like.

April comes up the stairs knocking to come in which is nice. “Morning you feeling better kiddo?”

“Yeah I’m almost feeling human about now you want a coffee?”

“Love one, just…Alex doesn’t have any soy milk does he?”

“Yeah we use it in smoothies and stuff, so white with soymilk then?”

“Please.”

I make all of us coffee’s and I’m a lots of cream and lots of sugar or give me the whole shebanging works if I’m in a store.

We settle and she’s looking at me and smiling. “I talked to my doctors and the specialists and if you’re sure and you’re ready we can get everything done and ready and you’ll be hopefully post op after a week.”

“Hopefully?”

“They do want to do a bunch of tests and things to see what’s really going on inside and the kind of damage that you’ve taken over the years and what they have to expect and what the other specialists will have to do.”

“Other specialists?”

“Well we’re not sure about everything but they want you to be seeing and endocrinologist.”

“Huh?”

“Hormone doctor.”

“Okay…yeah I’d imagine with me not having the right deep down plumbing I’m all out of whack.”

“We think so.”

“So when do we get all started?”

“Today, it’ll be mostly tests really so you won’t have to stay the night.”

“That soon?”

“Well I was talking to them yesterday and they do want to go over things as much as possible.”

“What time?”

“Nine as soon as the departments are open.”

“I should get dressed, I ate and had coffee will that be a problem?”

“They didn’t mention it really so not likely and we can tell them what you had just in case anyway.”

“Okay, what should I wear?”

“What you have on is fine Hunter you’re going to want to be comfortable.”
“Okay…then.”

We wait around for Jennifer and Alex and while their out we sort of grill Cindy for a play by play about what had happened between her and Jennifer and with her parents and I’m glad that they didn’t freak out but had pretty much knew all along and were just waiting for her to come out in her own time.

School might be a bit harder though we go to a pretty whitebread school and you never know what’s going to happen. I try to reassure Cindy that it’d be a bigger deal in my old school than hers because and this isn’t something some people admit to but in my neighborhood there’s a lot of blacks and there’s a lot of hispanos and hindu’s and stuff and they are a lot more uncool about people being gay or lesbian and stuff. I’m not sure how true it is in those communities but at school it’s really rough with being gay especially is like a serious thing amongst the blacks and hispanos. Lesbians might get a little slack but the gay guys where very stealth and closeted in my school.

Our school has all the LGBT stuff and all the white people pc life accessories so that they are fair and perfect y’know.

But I don’t know that many of those kids, but then again I haven’t been there long enough to really know who’s who and in the crowd I’m running with now.

It’s pretty much just Jen and Cindy.

Alex offers to stay with me while I’m getting the tests done. I kiss with him and lean him against his car. “No it’s okay honey I’m just going to be poked and prodded and filled full of radioactive stuff most likely.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure and barring any serious misfortunate…” He puts his finger over my lips.

“Don’t borrow trouble.”

“Okay…as far as I know I’ll be home tonight and more than likely put through the ringer so you can take care of me tonight?”

“Deal.”

We kiss again and he get’s into his car with the girls and I get my purse and jacket and get into the car with April.

I could really use a cigarette. I pop a spice clove into my mouth to suck on it as we’re going.

Oh dammit I’m nervous.