Chapter XIV - Jean's Hospital Experience

When I woke up, mother was sitting by the bed. She looked at me with those concerned mother eyes, and then she wiped a hair away from my forehead.

"Honey, the nurses are telling me that you're not eating everything on your tray. Sweetie you have to eat, so you can get your strength back. You aren't going to gain any weight, because you won't be snacking between meals, and I will make sure of that. But you have to eat."

"I know mother, but I eat just so much and then I feel full, so I don't eat any more. I have a question though. Elaine and I talked last night. Did you and both doctors have anything to do with me being on this floor?"

"Not on this floor, because this is where general surgery patients are looked after. But we did have something to do with the nurses who are taking care of you. That is because we want you to be around Gamma Deltas. See Jean, we aren't just a sorority while we are in college, we are a sisterhood, and we believe in taking our pledge to the outside world, and letting people see that there are decent women in the world that can make a difference. Remember what you were told, that when you stop pledging is when they bury you? Well that is true, because being a pledge is a learning experience, and we never stop learning. But that was changing the subject. I want you to eat everything on your tray from now on. Even though they were giving you transfusions while you were in the operating room, your blood still needs the nutrients to build it back up, because it is still weak.

"Jean, you are my only child, and I am proud for what you have accomplished in such a short period of time. When Bobbie was talking to me about doing the actual srs, instead of the simple hide and seek we were planning, I was all for it, because then you would have accomplished both of your goals in one semester. I talked with your professors, and they all said that it was a very good idea, and they will give you class participation credit even though you aren't there. They said you deserve the credit, because if you weren't here, you'd be in class. Dr. McClellan is going to come up and see you too, and more than once. Like I said we are a sisterhood, and we take care of our own, and anyone else that comes along. Just remember that you have to eat in order to gain your strength back, otherwise you won't be walking around, you'll be riding around in a wheelchair, and those things are not the most comfortable. So promise me that you will eat everything on your tray."

"All right mother, I promise to eat everything on my tray. I still say they're giving me way too much though."

"The portions are actually metered out, according to the dietician's recommendations. So it isn't a lot, and if you want I can help you order dinner now." We looked at the menu together, and mother said the roast beef would be good. I said I would try it.

I called the number on the menu, and when the lady answered I ordered the roast beef entree, with a garden salad, milk, and an orange. I asked the lady how many pieces of roast beef there were in the meal, and she said two big slices. I asked her if she could make it only one slice, and she said yes. I told her that was my dinner order, and hung up.

"Well I see you ordered that just the way you like it. Not too much, and not too little. That means you are going to eat everything. Isn't that right young lady?"

"Yes mother, I will eat everything."

She gave me a big hug, and then sat down in the chair. She looked very tired and exhausted, so I laid back and went to sleep. I woke up a while later, and mother was still sitting in the chair, sleeping. I looked at how peaceful her face was, and I went right back to sleep, knowing that she was there. Of course the nurses where here too, but it was comforting to know that my mother was there too looking after me.

I dreamed that I was at a sorority dance, and that Paul was leading me around the dance floor song after song after song. He was holding me close on the slow dances, and twirling me on the fast ones. Then we sat down for a bit and talked. He told me I was even prettier than he had ever seen me, and that he had no regrets being my fiancé. I smiled that girlish coy smile of mine, and he pulled me close and kissed me. I must have been talking in my sleep, when a familiar voice woke me up.

"Paul!" I exclaimed, thinking I was still dreaming.

"Hi princess." He leaned over and kissed me on my forehead, and said the lips were next, when I leave.

"It's really good to see you. But be quiet tho, so mother can sleep."

"I'm awake, dear. Hi Paul."

"Well I just came to visit with my princess. I had heard she was having surgery done, and I wanted to be here for her. I also have some good news too. Remember the guy that wanted you to be his girlfriends? The guy from the mall. Well, he was arrested by campus police yesterday after you left to come here. He beat up a guy who was with his girlfriend, and told him to stay away from his girl. The girl said she had to use the restroom, and went and called the campus police. They charged him with felony battery, and he will no doubt go before the dean. It is likely he will be expelled."

"Why do some guys do things like that though?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, princess. I have always thought that having decent muscle tone, was for doing the things guys have to do, like lifting heavy things, and being able to stay healthy. I use my fists only when I have to defend myself or my family and my fiancée. But there are some guys who think that they have muscles so they can intimidate others. Anyway, he won't be there when you get back."

"Do you think he will go to prison?"

"Maybe. I certainly hope so. So anyway, princess, how do you feel?"

"I feel very tired, and weak. If I fall asleep Paul, will you still be here? I need you now more than I ever did."

"Of course I will still be here, as long as the visiting hours don't end."

"Well the reason I asked, is because I am so tired, and I hurt from the surgery." Paul took my hand in his, and held it. "I'm just so tired, my prince charming, but I need you to be here."

"I will be here, princess. That's part of my job being your man. I want you to get well so we can get married when everything you need done, is completed."

"Ummm Paul? When I came in here for my surgery, my doctor and another doctor, said they were going to do the complete srs. They said it was important that it be done as soon as possible. I am now physically female, and when I heal from this, I have to come back and the doctor will do another phase. She said it will take three phases, to be completely female, and that I will be able to function as a real female too."

"That's great, princess. I was talking with one of your sisters yesterday, and she told me that when you come back, your birth defect will be corrected. Looks like she was right."

I pressed the nurses button, and when the nurse came in, I asked her if I could have a pain pill. She said of course, and went to get it.

"I know this is going to sound corny, but are you sure everything is going to be all right?"

"Yes Paul, everything is going to be all right. I feel the pain from the surgery, but everything is going to be just fine. When I was talking to mother and Dr. Burns, I was told that I was going to be here so they could hide the gross birth defect. But Dr. Burns was talking to another doctor, and the doctor said that I needed the srs as soon as possible, and with what Addie said in her report that I was ready for the srs, Dr. Clements said she would do that instead of, what she called, hide and seek of a few parts. So yes my prince charming, everything is going to be just fine." He leaned over and kissed me on my lips, and it surprised me, because he said that would wait until I left. I guess he couldn't wait. I giggled at that thought, that poor Paul needed that kiss as much as I did. The nurse brought me the pain pill, and I took it.

"Mother, I feel very tired. I need to sleep a little more." The sleeping pill the nurse gave me, made me very drowsy, and while Paul was still holding my hand, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, Paul was sitting in the other chair, still holding my hand. I asked him what time it was, and he said time for me to go back to sleep. He no sooner said that when the dinner tray was brought in.

"Smells like roast beef, princess."

"It is my prince charming. I ordered it earlier when mother was talking to me about eating everything on my tray. I told her that I eat what I can, then I feel full, so I don't eat any more."

"But you should eat though, princess. You need to get your strength back. I have never had surgery, even for my tonsils, but I know that you lose a lot of nutrients even with the transfusions they give you during surgery. The blood needs to be built back up. So, from now on my sweet princess, you eat everything on your tray, even if you feel full."

"Yes my prince charming, I will eat everything on my tray. But what if I eat everything on my tray, and I throw it back up?"

"Well, I'm sure the nurses have something to settle your tummy, princess. But if you feel sick after you eat, then buzz for the nurse, and she will give you something for your upset tummy." I ate slowly, as Paul sat there talking. It was so nice to hear his voice. Just as I finished my dinner, I heard another voice.

"May I come in, Jean?"

"Dr. McClellan!" I exclaimed. "It is nice to see you." Paul got up and gave her his seat.

"You may call me Cyndi, sister Jean. I just wanted to come by and see how my favorite pupil is doing. I was talking to Addie, and she told me what was going to happen. I think it's great, because after you heal from the surgeries, then you won't have to worry about it later. You can get on with your life. There is one drawback tho. When you and Paul decide to get married, I want to come to the ceremony."

"You will be invited Dr. McClellan, excuse me, Cyndi, because our marriage is going to be a sorority event. You know one of the sisters getting married, and the maid of honor is going to be Kendra, because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here now. The bridesmaids are going to be the rest of the sisters, and we need to find out who is going to be the flower girls. I want two of them walking on each side of the aisle. Does that sound like a plan my dear prince charming?"

"Yes it does. Like I said before, you are one girl who uses her head for something more than air."

He got a barrage of pillows thrown at him, even Cyndi threw one at him. We must have been laughing and giggling too loudly, because the nurse came in wanting to know what was going on. When we told her, she even threw a pillow at Paul. Poor Paul, he was so out numbered.

"All right, all right, I give," Paul said in a mock apologetic voice. "Anyway princess, I think your plan is a good one."

"You know Paul, you're the luckiest one in the wedding, because we girls have to plan for the gowns, and what color the bridesmaids are going to wear. Since I am a virgin, I will wear the traditional white, but even at that I still have to pick out the style of gown I want. I want one that is going to be very feminine. All you have to worry about is getting your tux, and to be on time. Everything else we girls have to do. So that's why I say you are the luckiest one in the wedding."

"Well princess, I guess we guys don't have to fool around with everything you girls do, but still, we have to make sure that the tux we do wear not only shows masculinity, but is appealing to the eye."

"Yes Paul, but you don't have to worry about a corset, or what color garter I am going to wear that you will take off when we go on our honeymoon. You don't have to worry about smelling too sweet. You just put on a little after shave, and you're ready to go. We have to worry about our under things, make sure our stockings don't run, and walking in a gown that if I made one misstep, I'd trip and probably ruin the gown. I want a train on my gown too, just for tradition.

"So anyway Paul, now that I am physically female, and I have only one more phase to go in this, when do you think we can get married?"

"When everything is said and done. You heal from all that has to be done, then we will make a date for the wedding. And like Jean said, this is going to be a sorority and fraternity affair. My frat brothers wanted me to invite them, so I will. That way we will all have someone to dance with. Anyway, I can see that we're about to be told to leave. I will come back tomorrow and every day that you are here. See you tomorrow, princess."

"See you tomorrow, my handsome prince." He kissed on my lips, and then he left. Mom and Cyndi stayed behind, and gave me a kiss on my forehead promising to be back tomorrow as well. After they left, I laid back down, and went to sleep.

That's mostly what I did for the first eight days. I mostly slept. I was so tired, and I didn't even feel like watching television. Paul was there everyday like he said he would be, and he even brought a small radio so I could listen to music. Mother came in about lunch time on the eighth day I was there. She kissed me on my forehead and then sat down. She looked very tired, like she was going through all of this instead of me.

"Mother, are you all right? You look very tired and exhausted."

"Yes dear, I'm all right. I am just worried about you, and until you get your strength back, I will be worried. Honey remember that you are my only child, and I will dote on you like I always have. But when you are able to get up and walk around at a good pace, then I will stop worrying so much. I want you to know that I am here for you for whatever you need."

"Thank you, mother."

Connie brought in my lunch tray, and I sat there and nibbled at it. It really wasn't that much, so I ate everything on the tray. After lunch was over, Connie said she was going to remove the Foley catheter, because the doctor wanted me to get up to use the bathroom and to shower. After the catheter was out, a lady came in from physical therapy, and said we were going for a little walk, just up and down the ward hallway. I was told to let her know if I couldn't go any further, and she would bring me back to the room. She put this belt around my waist, and held onto it, like it was a leash. She said this was so she could stop me from falling.

When we got out in the hallway, we started walking toward the far end of the ward. It seemed like it was taking forever, and I told the lady I had to rest. We had only gotten about three rooms away from mine and we turned around, and went back to my room.

"Jean, I just want you to know you did really well. My name is Janet, and I will be coming here everyday about the same time to go for your walk. The doctor wants you to walk a lot, but not so it would make you fall. Later on Jen will come down and take you for another walk. But you tell her like you told me, when you get tired."

"All right Janet, I will." Then she left.

Janet was my height, and weighed a little more than I did by a pound or two. She had sun yellow blonde hair, and deep blue eyes. She smiled a lot when she talked to you, and I wondered if that was because she had to, or if that was the way she always was, even away from work. The little walking I did really tired me out. So I laid back down and went to sleep.

The next thing I knew mother was waking me up to eat my dinner. Mother said she ordered it while I was sleeping. There was a small helping of macaroni and cheese, one slice of a pork roast, a small garden salad, one slice of wheat toast, and of course milk and tea. Mother said she thought coffee would be too much right now, and tea was lighter, and better for me.

After I ate everything on my tray, Jen from physical therapy came in, and introduced herself, and said that I needed to go for another walk. She also said that if I got tired to let her know, and we would come back to the room. She was a little taller than me by about two inches, but she seemed to be about the same in weight. She had light brown hair with natural shimmering highlights, and she kind of floated rather than walked.

As we walked in the same direction as when Janet took me, I got all the way to the end. There are three chairs there by the window, and I said I needed to sit for a while. She said that was fine, and that I was doing really well. After about five minutes, I told her I was ready to walk back to the room. She walked me to the bed, and took off the restraining belt, and I laid back down. I don't know much of anything after that, because I went right to sleep.

I woke up to use the restroom, and saw mother was asleep in the chair. I had to smile, because she was going to be here as long as I was. I walked slowly to the restroom, and back to my bed. I went right back to sleep, and when I woke up, mother wasn't there. Elaine came in to take my vital readings again, and I asked where mother was.

"Your mother went home to get a bath, a change of clothes, and to have a good night's rest. I told her I would tell you when you woke up. She will be back a little later in the day, because she said she had to show a couple of houses today."

"What time is it?"

"It is two o'clock in the morning, time for all little girls to be in bed." I giggled, but she looked serious.

"Anyway Jean, she has to do some work today, and she will be back. Can I get you anything?"

"No, I just want to sleep. Good night, Elaine."

"Good night sweetie." Then she went back to the nurses desk.

I slept until Connie came in to take the vital readings, and then I she asked if I needed help to get into the shower. I said just a little, and she helped me into the bathroom. She waited until I was undressed, and told me if I felt I needed help, just to pull the cord on the wall. I was really in pain, and Connie said she would help, and wanted to know which parts I needed help with. I pointed to where I had my surgery done, and she said it was not a problem. She helped me wash there, and then helped me dry off. I was in a lot of pain by this time, and Connie helped me to the bed.

"I will be right back with a pain pill."

I just laid down, and tried not to scream. The pain was really bad, and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Connie came back in and gave me the pill, and told me to just relax. That was easy for her to say, because I was really in pain.

"Jean, until you aren't in so much pain, I think we will have you take sponge baths. The PCA will help you with that if you need it. Now just lie back, and close your eyes. I will be right here in case you need me."

It wasn't long before I was alseep again. I didn't hear Connie leave, but when I woke up Janet was there for my walk. I told her I didn't think I could walk very far, and explained my experience after my shower.

"Jean, we have a couple of weeks to get you mobilized. So if you don't think you can make it, you just tell me. We're not in that much of a hurry. Can you sit up?"

I sat up with a lot of difficulty, and Janet called PT and said she needed an extra pair of hands. She said this wasn't because she couldn't stop me from falling, but two pairs of hands were better than one pair. Another lady came in with another belt, and she and Janet put the belts around me, and they walked on both sides of me.

"Hi Jean, my name is Doris. The reason Janet called for someone to help, was because of the pain you are going through, and if you start to fall, we can make sure you don't hurt yourself." Doris was older than Janet, and had coal black hair and deep brown eyes. She was native American too, and she always smiled when she talked.

After we got about halfway to the end of the hallway, I started to really slow down. I grabbed onto the hand rail along the side of the hallway, and just stood there. Janet called for a wheelchair, and said I had had enough exercise for now. When the man with the wheelchair got there, I was sitting on the floor. He helped Janet and Doris get me into the wheelchair, and took me back to my room. This man was very strong, and when we got in my room, he got me up and into the bed. His name was Rick, and he was way taller than either of us. He also weighed a lot more too. I couldn't guess how much, but it was way more than I weighed. I guessed he was over six feet, and he told me he was six feet four inches.

But he picked me up like I didn't weigh anything, and laid me in the bed. He asked if I was comfortable, and I said no because I was in a lot of pain. He fluffed my pillows for me, and said to relax. Connie came in with another pain pill, and I laid back and went to sleep. Connie woke me up for lunch, and asked if everything was all right, and how did I feel. I told her I was having a lot of pain, and she said she would be right back with a pain pill. She brought me the pill and I took it with my milk, and then laid back down.

I wasn't resting too long before they came in and told me I had to go for my walk. I wasn't in a hurry to go anywhere, because I really did hurt. But they wouldn't take no for an answer, and had me sit up. They put restraining belts around me, and each one was on each side of me. We walked very slowly to the end of the hall, where I sat down in one of the chairs, and said I couldn't make it back walking. Janet called for a wheelchair again, and the same guy brought it to me. He helped me get up, and in to the chair, and wheeled me back to my room. He picked me up like before, and laid me in the bed.

I thanked Rick for helping me, and all he said was just relax and get better. Janet sat down by the bed, and looked very concerned that I couldn't walk back to the room.

"Jean, you are going to have to try harder, because Dr. Burns said you can't leave here until you can walk back and forth, and be able to climb stairs. That is why it is so important for you to be able to put the pain aside, and just walk. I know how pain can make you think you can't go any further, but believe me when I say, the more you walk, the more you won't notice the pain."

Was she kidding? I just had major surgery to be physically female, and it felt like my whole body was on fire. Why is it, that when you're in pain, they can tell you what is best for you? Have they ever had srs, or for that matter, any other abdominal surgery? It is really interesting though, because I could write a whole thesis just on this subject alone.

Bobbie came in a little after I got back to my room, and Janet told her the little, well she said very little, progress that I was making. She told Bobbie that if I didn't start walking back and forth regularly, my muscles could become so weak, I would have to have a wheelchair to just use the restroom.

"Jean, you have to walk, sweetie. I know you are probably in a lot of pain, dear, but you have to walk it off. The nurses can give you a pain pill, because I have a standing order for as long as you are here. I am also having them come and do another MRI tomorrow. In about an hour they are going to come and do another CT scan, plus I want more blood drawn. Now that your estrogens have had a little time to work, I want to see just how they are doing. You have been eating good, now I want you to walk good. Jean, if you don't walk your leg muscles will become weak and atrophied. Then it will take longer for you even be able to stand up, let alone walk anywhere. So if you feel you can't walk when Janet and Doris come to get you, ask for a pain pill. Well, maybe an hour or a half hour before they come for your walk. I also want you to be able to climb stairs too, because when you get back to Gamma Delta, you will have to climb the stairs to your room.

"But you have to walk. Now, I want to look at how your doing, so feet in the stirrups young lady, and let's take a look."

I put my feet in the stirrups, and she began feeling around, and I winced because of the pain. She looked inside to see if it was healing there too, and then she said all right I could put my feet down.

"Well, you're still raw there, but it is coming along nicely though. So, remember what I said, Jean. You have to walk. All right?"

"All right Bobbie, I will try harder."

"Good girl. So outside of the pain, and not being able to walk very far, how is everything else?"

"I'm worried about mother. She came in yesterday and she looked like she was almost dead. There are red circles under her eyes, and she isn't getting enough rest, because she is worried about me. Bobbie, can you give her something to help her sleep, even if it is right here?"

"I'll do what I can. But you promised me you will try harder to walk a little farther each day. You do that. Now, what you said about your mother concerns me. She isn't only my patient, she is one of my best friends. So I will do what I can to help her sleep better."

"Hi Jean, I'm Courtney, and I'm here to take you for your CT scan. Let me look at your bracelet. All right, ready, here we go."

She pushed my bed out into the hallway, and took me to radiology again, and to a room that said CT Scanner. She pushed the bed by another bed, but it looked more like an operating table, except this one had a sort of mattress, and a very small pillow. She helped me onto the other bed, and had me lie down. She went into another little room, and told me not to move, until she said it was all right. Then the bed moved backwards, like in the MRI Lab, and it stopped underneath an arch with lights. Courtney asked me if I was ready, and she started the machine, and all the brightly colored lights came on. She cautioned me again not to move, and I heard whirring noises, but not like when I had the MRI. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew Courtney was waking me up and saying we were all done. She helped back onto my bed, and pushed me back to my room.

When I got there, Bobbie was still there, and so was mother. Bobbie said she had a long talk with mother about her sleeping at night. She said that mother had said she was worried about me, and figured she needed to be where I could see her.

"Jean, how have you been sleeping at night?"

"Well I have been sleeping off and on ever since the surgery, Bobbie."

"But, I mean do you wake up during the night?"

"Only if I have enough pain to wake me up, which has been every night since the surgery."

"All right, and have the nurses been giving you your pain pills?"

"Yes they have, and I have gone right back to sleep after too."

"All right. See Jeannie, she is fine. I want you to go home at night and get your proper rest. Jean is fine, and I just checked her. She is still raw yet, and will be for a while until it heals. The vaginal stent is doing its job nicely too. Now either you go home at night and get proper rest, or I will admit you for being too weak due to fatigue."

"Yes Bobbie, and I know you're right too, but I just feel I have to be here for her. She is so precious to me, Bobbie, that I would never forgive myself if she woke up and got scared because I wasn't here."

"I can sympathize Jeannie, I really can. But you need sleep, too. Tell you what I will do, I will see to it that they bring another bed in here, and you can sleep in that one. Is that all right with you Jean, if your mother sleeps in here with you."

"Yes Bobbie, it is. Then I wouldn't feel so lonely at night. During the day when she is at work, I don't have time to be lonely, because I am doing other things, like trying my best to walk, going for this or that test. It is just at night when I feel that I am alone."

"All right, I will be right back. Jeannie you should go home and get an over night bag, so you have a few changes of clothes here and some under things. I have to call down to the admitting desk so they know you're here. Then I have to call the hospitality office and arrange for a bed. They may charge you maybe twenty dollars a night. Would that be all right with you?"

"That would be fine. She is only going to be here until a week from Sunday anyway. So yes, that would be fine."

"All right, I will be right back."

Bobbie left, and I had never heard of a hospital doing that. But I guess I have a lot to learn. Knowing mother was going to be able to sleep here nights, made me feel very safe and protected, that I just went right to sleep. I slept until dinner time, and before they even took my tray away, they came and got me for my walk. This time I was going to try to walk further, but I hadn't been able to because of the pain. So, when Janet and Doris came for my last walk for the day, I told them I would try and make it back walking.

"Good girl, Jean. That's what we like to hear. Now let's see if you can do it."

Janet smiled after she had said that, and we started for my walk. Mother wasn't in the room, but there was another bed in the bed two spot. They put the belts around me again, and we started walking to the far end of the hallway. It seemed like a long journey, but we finally made it to the windows. I sat down for a bit, and when I thought I had rested enough, I told Janet and Doris I was ready to try to walk back. We got half way back to the room, and I collapsed. Janet called for a wheelchair, and a lady brought it this time. She looked older than mother, and was about my height. She helped Janet and Doris get me into the wheelchair, and got me back to the room. Mother still wasn't there yet, so she probably went home to get her clothes. When they got me in the room, June came in and immediately took my vital readings. She also took my temperature, and asked how I felt.

"I feel really lightheaded. When I fell in the hallway, it was like I saw black, then nothing at all. I even feel like I'm not on this mattress, because I can't seem to feel it."

"All right, I'm going to do something, and I want you to tell me what you feel."

She helped me turn over on my side, and then it felt like she pinched me, but it didn't seem to hurt all that bad.

"What did you feel, Jean?"

"I felt a dull ache. Did you pinch me?"

"Yes I did. I don't like the sound of that. I'm calling Dr. Burns, and Dr. Clements. Something isn't right here."

It wasn't long before Bobbie and Alice came in the room. Bobbie did a reflex exam, and when I didn't respond she had Alice check. There were some areas where I jumped, and other areas, where I was supposed to have some kind of reaction, but didn't. This worried both doctors, and they called in a third doctor who is a neurosurgeon. As the third doctor was starting to go past my room, Bobbie called out to her.

"Colleen, in here. Colleen I'm worried, because she seems to be having some kind of nerve trauma. Do you think you can find out why?"

"Yes, I know why. She needs to go back into the OR right now. I will want the two of you assisting, and I will be explaining the procedure as we go along, so you know what to do if it happens again. This is nothing really serious, but we have to make sure other nerves aren't affected. You get her to the OR and I will make sure we can get in.

Colleen Snyder was a neurosurgeon of some importance I gathered, because even without an exam she knew what was wrong. She had nice flowing brown hair, and sky blue eyes. When she talked she sounded like she was singing, even when she was talking seriously. A bit later two men came in and got my bed, and took me to the operating room. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it had to be serious enough to go back to the OR.

When we got in the operating room, the two men lifted me onto the operating table, and left. There was another person there too, that put a mask over my face, and told me to just relax and breathe normally. I was asleep in no time at all, and woke up again the recovery room. When I opened my eyes, Julie was right there to take my vital readings from the monitors.

"Hi zshu...zshu...zshul...zshulie. Whe...Whe...Where...am...I?

"You're in the recovery room again, Jean. But I can see that the anesthetic hasn't completely wore off yet. Your speech is kind of slurred and halting. Go back to sleep for a bit, and when you wake up we'll talk."

I didn't have to be told twice, because Julie no sooner said that than I was fast asleep. I was dreaming again that Paul and I were at a dance, and he was twirling me around, and around. He led me all over the dance floor, and then he leaned over and kissed me. I melted into his arms, and felt very safe and protected. It was sometime before I woke up again, but Julie wasn't here. There was another nurse. Her name was Frances but everybody called her Fran. She was older than Julie, and had grey hair. She must have seen me moving, and she came over to the bed.

"Well, I see you are finally awake. I have some orange juice for you, and I want you to just sip it. In the morning you can have a full breakfast, but you are going to be here past the three weeks. Dr. Burns said that you had a pinched a nerve when you fell, and Dr. Snyder fixed it. But the doctors all agreed that you will stay here for an indeterminate amount of time. But it will definitely be past the the three weeks they said. Julie was going to tell you this, but she went off duty while you were sleeping. Anyway, it is nice to meet you, Jean."

"What time is it?"

"It is two o'clock in the morning. I am going to take your vitals now, and we can talk a little more, because right now you are the only one in here." She took my readings, and wrote them in my chart.

"Fran, are you a Gamma Delta, too?"

"No Jean. But I do have a transgendered daughter. So you have nothing to fear from me. How do you feel right now?"

"Like I'm on fire, I hurt so much."

"I'll get you a pain pill, then." She went to get the pill, and came back and handed me my water and the pill. After I had taken the pill, she talked a little more.

"Jean, the doctors all told me what you have done in such a short time. You have made history at Gamma Delta Phi, and Dr. Burns said to tell you, 'chin up'."

"Thank you Fran." I said Fran as I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, I was in my room, and Connie was just coming in with my breakfast tray. "Good morning, Jean," she sang out as she came in the room.

"Good morning, Connie."

"How are you feeling, Jean?"

"In a lot of pain. May I have a pain pill, please?"

"Yes, I'll be right back with it." She left to get the pill, and I just laid there. I wasn't even interested in my breakfast, that is how much pain I was in. I looked over at the other bed, and saw mother had already left for work. Connie came back with the pill, and raised my bed so I could take it with my water.

"I want you to eat your breakfast, young lady."

"I will try Connie. But I really hurt."

"I know sweetie, but you have to eat to get your strength back. If you like, I can help you, so you don't feel too much pain. Sometimes activity, even as small as eating, can cause pain after surgery. Do you want me to help you?"

"Yes, please."

She pulled the chair closer, and started feeding me. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat, but the pain was so bad, all I wanted to do was sleep. When she was finished feeding me, she let me go right to sleep. I slept until lunch time, and I asked for another pain pill. Mother was here then, and she helped me with lunch.

"Honey, when you are through with lunch, you go back to sleep. I can see it in your face that you are in real pain. I have to go back to the office, but I will be back by dinner time."

She gave me the last bite of lunch, and then made sure I was as comfortable as I could be. Then she kissed me on my forehead and went back to work. I slept until dinner time. When I woke up, mother was sitting in the chair by the bed. She asked me how I felt, and said I was feeling better, but still in a lot of pain. Now I understood what Fran was saying about me being here past the three weeks. It was going to take a while to get over this pain, and then testing to see if the pinched nerve was really "fixed". Not to mention that by that time, I would be healing very well from the srs. The only thing I didn't like about the srs after care was the stents. They actually hurt when the nurses put them in.

"Wake up sleepy head," mother said as she positioned my dinner tray so I could sit up and eat. I told her that sitting up was painful, and she said that was because of the srs. She pressed the nurses button, and Trudy came in with a pain pill. I took it with my milk, and just sat there and looked a the tray. Every time I tried to reach the little bit to get something on the fork, it would drop out of my hand. "Mother, I need a little help."

"Of course, dear."

Mother came over and helped me eat. She took it slow, and when I was finished, I used the same pad I used for the nurses to turn the television on. I went through the channels, and found cartoons. I left it there because I needed something to make me at least smile. Mother turned the chair so she could see the television, and we watched cartoons together, just like when I was younger.

I did more than just smile though. Cartoons are supposed to be funny, and I was laughing so much it really did hurt. Tom and Jerry always made me laugh, and then there was Sylvester and Tweety. As many times as I have seen the same cartoons, they never failed to make me laugh. Mother was laughing too, and I was glad she had something else to do besides go to work and worry about me.

Bobbie came in to see how I was doing, and saw mother laughing. "Well, cartoons huh. I wish I had the time to sit and watch them with you. I need to check your surgery area, and I need to see if you have any feeling where you didn't have any before."

She had me put my feet in the stirrups again, and she checked the vaginal area. Then she took off the rubber gloves she had on, and put on another pair. Then she started poking and prodding on my lower back. When she pinched me, I yelped.

"Yes, I would say that Colleen did a good job." We all giggled, and Bobbie said she would be back tomorrow, but call if I needed her before that.

The next three weeks went by very fast, as I was doing more walking, and getting further each day. I was able to climb the staircase up the five stairs that Janet and Doris said to climb. The surgery from the pinched nerve was healed, and I was still a little sore from the srs, but it wasn't bad. The pain pills that Bobbie had prescribed were really working. By the time that I was able to climb five stairs by myself, and walk to the end of the hallway and back, without falling or complaining about the pain, Bobbie said I could go back to the Gamma Delta house.

Bobbie, Cyndi, and Colleen, as well as mother were there when I left, and told me to make sure I kept using the vaginal stents until the vaginal canal was completely healed. I got hugs from the nurses as well as my four sisters who made sure I became the woman I really needed to be. They never let me quit, but kept pushing and pushing, until I could do it on my own. Paul also came to make sure I got back safely.

He took my hand and gave me a nice, mmmmmmmmmm, long kiss, and said that was for being brave to go through all of this. He looked at the lady who brought the wheelchair, and told her he would push it. That's my prince charming. When we got to the front door, mother and Paul gave the man their valet tickets, and two of them went to get the cars. I asked mother if it was all right if I could ride back with Paul, and she said yes that was fine. Welcome to womanhood Jean, you are definitely going to make it, I thought to myself.