Sweet Dreams-37 The first cut is the Deepest.

Chapter 37

I look at Alex and Adam and sort of smile at both of them wiping at my own eyes. I’m feeling better even with all of this out sort of in the open now but the boys of course are still being the boys.

I’m still sort of being hugged by Adam and I use the position to sort of drag him over to Alex and we all sort of end up sitting on the stairs. Me actually in between both of them.

“I need you guys to really try and do the make peace thing. I know that there’s stuff that’s gone wrong and hurt you both but honestly I need you both.”

Alex nods slowly but there’s caring in his eyes. “I’ll try it’s just that he’s got to realize that I’m my own man and I lead my own life.”

Adam stares that well…Adam stare. “Sure under my roof spending my money and eating my food.”

“That can change.”

“Guys…enough just fucking stop it. Alex you know that your dad would say that stop poking the bear. Adam, Alex is about as much like you and has about as much in common with the things that you want as you did with your father.”

“And I left.”

“Okay do you want Alex to leave?”

“No but…”

“No buts. Just answer the question yes or no.”

“No your honor.”

I grin at him and he’s sort of kind of almost doing the same back. I swear these two are scared their face will crack or something…either that or somehow Botox got chemically bonded to their testosterone.

“I’m scared as shit guys and the surgery is scary and it’s going to get even more scary because they’re going to start me on HRT because my own system is messed up so I might just end up losing my mind…add it the shit I’ve been through nightmare city…and I’m scared at the thought of going to a shrink for this stuff.”

“We’ll be there.” Alex say’s hugging me.

“That’s the thing guys this is the only fucking stable thing that I have ever had in my life since my dad was killed. You guys just keep going at it and I care about all of you so much and the thought of you guys doing that is right up there in my whole nightmare top five.”

Adam looks at me. “You should see someone about the stuff you’ve been through.”

“Yeah the same thing with you and with Alex.”

He gets all screw that frowny faced. “Not likely, I have better things to do that whine to a stranger then have the ass judge me.”

“Me too.”

Both me and Alex said it at the same time.

Then Adam asks me a question that I wasn’t really ready for.

“You said that you seen your father killed…Hunter?”

“Y..Yeah I was little…” I’m already starting to choke up…god I haven’t thought of Dad not really thought of Dad in so long…

Alex kisses my shoulder and then picks me up into his arms. “C’mon not here let’s go upstairs.”

“Okay…”

Alex looks down at Adam. “Coming?.....Dad…”

Adam blinks then he nods and then follows us up to our apartment and it’s a surprise Alex asked and it’s a surprise that Adam’s coming too maybe just maybe I’m getting through? I meant every word of what I said…I can’t do this alone.

I…I mean I thought I could before and sort of thought I was tougher than what I am. But I don’t want to do this alone anymore…I want them to be there.

Alex set’s me on the couch and Adam’s looking around while Alex goes into the kitchen and he starts to make coffee. Alex making coffee’s like watching a bartender, he’s not the fancy barista stuff but it’s our blend that he made with like mostly Kona coffee and some Jamaican Blue Mountain in there and other stuff it’s really good and watching him make it is soothing plus while not really a barista the coffee shop is full of all that high end high octane stuff.

It doesn’t even go into a perk machine but the espresso styled pot perk thing that goes on top of the stove. He steams or scalds the milk in a little pot and I guess if the liquid is shallow enough in the pan you can do the foaming thing with a stick blender.

I’m watching him and gathering my thoughts and Adam’s getting comfortable while still sort of looking around. He’s taking in the differences and the personal stuff that I’ve brought to the living situation.

“I know not much of a woman’s touch huh.”

“You haven’t been here that long. It’s clean and smells good.”

“Well I have the things to clean with here and just having them I have to clean things up.”

“Have too?”

“Adam, I spent most of my life with things crawling around in the places that I was living and in with me where I’d sleep.”

“That’s not good.”

“That’s nothing…I’ve moved a lot and some of the places that I got to call home used to be places that you could tell they cooked meth in they had that burnt cough syrup smell mixed with ammonia and other stuff. Or there’s be black mold in places where I’d be moving into and some of them had toilets stained just…black from whatever the hell the last people living there were doing…”

I sort of shiver at those things. Pull my feet up and tuck them under my legs.

Alex comes over with the coffees and sit’s behind me and slips an arm around my waist.

“She still has these nightmares about these things; I see her looking around sometimes at night when she turns the light on to use the bathroom.”

I nod as I sip…oooh heaven…strong enough that you can walk on it to most people…but I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs and I quit smoking…Strong coffee I’m keeping. “It’s force of habit to look for rats and roaches.”

“She dreams of them sometimes.”

“Sorry…”

“Hey I’d kick in my sleep too if I was dreaming about roaches and stuff skittering between my toes or worse….there was one place…Earwigs…”

I shudder, hell even Alex shudders and Adam covers whatever he’s feeling about it by drinking his coffee.

He does look at me. “Well that’s over, no how and no way that you’re ever going back to that life…those places.”

I stare right at his asking the thing that scares me just with a look. Yeah I’m not going to say even if Alex and I don’t work out…it’s a huge fear inside of me sometimes that there’ll be something that’ll happen, that I’ll say or do that’ll wreck this.

He get’s it, he just does. And I don’t know but it’s like we can just read each other or something.

We’re quiet for a bit before he looks at me. “You were going to tell us about your dad?”

“Okay…”

I take a few more bracing sips to get me going and I really lean into Alex.

“I guess what I remember was all before I was even five. I think I was three or four when he was still alive. We lived out and around in Warren I think then and there was this little hole in the wall bar that dad used to work in as a bartender. I think it was run by EWP I seen that a lot then…that’s East Warren Posse.”

“I sort of knew we were gang blood people and stuff and stuff but I never really got it though. Mom was sleeping all the time because she would dance all night at the clubs she worked at and back then it was just dancing I’m pretty sure of.”

“Well she’d be asleep and there’s not a lot of drinker traffic in a dive bar during the day so Dad’d take me with him to work.”

“I mean he was a pretty good Dad I think. I mean he kept me safe and he made sure I had stuff to eat and not just bar food….. (Sniffle.) I…I kind of remember him taking stuff from home to feed up both with…Alphaghetti with hot dogs…mostly canned stuff but hey…miles more that what Mom had done.”

“His name was Will Hunter too…so I guess I’m sort of junior.”

I set down my coffee and rub at my eyes because just talking about him hurts, I really don’t remember Dad that much at all really except in those fantasies I had when he’d show up somehow to save me like he was wearing a bullet proof vest or something and that he’d find me and get me out of there….those changed as I got older and was sort of kind of hoping there was like heaven or something…and I’d just end up dying and getting out of it all and he’d be there waiting for me…

It’s a dull ache…instead of the sharp pain.

“You said you were there when he was killed?”

I look at Adam… yeah he’s going to look all of this up….i really don’t care as long as he doesn’t throw dirt on Dad’s memory…

“I was on my big wheel driving it out there on the sidewalk. I think I remember Dad had this fight with a bunch of bad guys before that in the alley by the bar that morning…I never saw the guys who shot Dad…shot at use because dad was shot covering me up…I remember seeing the shotgun sticking out from the tinted window then….”

(Sniffle-sob.) “Then dad was there looming over me and then he covered me…and then…” (Sniffle-sob.)

“Then he was gone…”

“I don’t remember too much after that though with the shock and all…Mom took me and ran a beeline right for Cliff who’d she’d been seeing behind dad’s back I think and took off with me out to his shithole in Lynnwood.”

I’m sniffling and rubbing at my eyes and Alexis holding me really closely almost too tight for some people but sometimes I like being held too tight…

Hey…it’s me y’know…pain grounds me, makes me feel real.

Adam get’s up and kisses my cheek and gives me this warm look and one of those half smiles that him and his son can barely manage. “I’m glad you’re here…I’m glad that you made it through all that Hunter…I’ll tell April that you’re ready and she can make all the calls and stuff.”

He looks at Alex. “Thank’s for the coffee son…best one I had this week.” He moves off to leave and I wipe my eyes again. (Sniffle.) “Adam?”

He stops. “Yes Hunter?”

“When you look all this up and stuff can you find out where he’s buried? I want to go see him.”

“Sure, I’ll make it a priority….sometimes a little girl just really needs her Daddy.”

He leaves and he meant well but I’m bawling into Alex’s chest.