Chapter XIII - Jean's operation

That night I slept fitfully, constantly tossing and turning every which way. Lily had to wake me up a couple of times because she said I was having a nightmare. What it was about I haven't a clue, but they say that you can never sleep the night before an operation. I don't know if that was what it was, or not, but it was definitely something for Lily to wake me up over. I looked at the clock and it said five thirty. I figured I might as well get up, and take my bath. Bobbie is going to meet us at registration, and then go up to the room with me.

I took out my powder blue dress, the jacket that went with it, I picked up my black pumps with the ankle strap, and went to get my under things out. I laid everything on my bed, except for the shoes, and put my robe and slippers on, and went to run my bath water. I took my bath caddy with because I wanted to mix fragrances today. I did this every now and then. Maybe a little lilac with a little jojoba. I put the plug in the drain, and ran the water over the bubble bath.

The suds were foaming up really nice, and I got out of my robe, panties, and slippers. I looked at myself in the mirror, and it might just be my imagination, but it seems like my breasts are getting bigger, and my body actually has a figure. I tousseled with my hair a little and it felt oily. So I got out my lilac shampoo, and washed my hair in the sink. I'll rinse whatever suds are left with shower head when I am done taking my bath.

As I sat in the bathtub, and remembering what I had told Lydia and Kendra, I decided this was not the place to fall asleep daydreaming. But I thought about the next two weeks that lie ahead of me. Bobbie will explain everything I'm sure, but I am still a little anxious about this, because it is new and strange to me. I heard a light tapping on the bathroom door. I said come in, and mother came in and used the facilities. Then she put the toilet lid down, and sat down.

"Jean, are you a little anxious about today and the next two weeks?"

"Yes, mother," I said still washing. "I mean I know Bobbie is a good doctor and everything, but all of this is new to me, and I am just a teensy weensy bit anxious."

"Teensy weensy my foot, girl. You are outright and plain nervous. This is the earliest you have ever been up. I..."

"I'm sorry mother, but Lily woke me up a couple of times during the night, and said I was having a nightmare. But I don't remember what it was about. Then when I looked at my clock, it said five thirty, so I got up, because I wanted enough time to get ready."

"Well the bad news is, no makeup. no hairspray, no perfume other than the bubble bath you are in right now. They have to draw blood, and do a few cotton swabs on your skin. So they don't want anything that could give them a false reading when the tests are performed."

I looked at her with my mouth wide open. "You mean I have to go to the hospital naked? Mother, if I can't wear makeup, I'll die!"

"I know just how you feel sweetie, but those are the orders of the hospital and Bobbie. Bobbie is also going to have a plastic surgeon helping her too. This plastic surgeon is a Gamma Delta also, and she is just dying to meet you. You know young lady, you have stirred things up a little by just wanting to pledge Gamma Delta Phi. Every Gamma Delta far and wide wants to meet the girl that made us take a very good look at ourselves, inside and out. Jean I am very proud of you, because you stood firm and wouldn't take no for an answer. You didn't let me or anyone else destroy the dreams you held inside. That's what it means to have will power. You set your mind on something, and you go right for the juggler. Well I am very proud of my daughter. You finish up, and I will go and get my things to take my bath."

I finished my bath, and just as I was wiping the tub out, mother came in with her underthings, and set them on the shelf by the sink. I gave her a big hug and told her I had to get dressed. She said she would be in, in a few minutes. I was in my under things, and putting on my makeup, when mother came in and sat on the bed.

"Well dear, I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings, but do you remember I told you 'no makeup'? Well, now you have to take all of that off. They don't want any makeup, because I guess they're going to do an MRI and a CT scan too. So get the makeup off, and I will be right back, as soon as I get dressed."

Mother left to get dressed, and I was sitting there facing a dilemma. Do I let the hospital take my makeup off, or do I just do it now? Decisions, decisions. By the time mother came back to my room, I had my makeup off, and my pores cleaned out. I decided that maybe a little lip gloss wouldn't hurt, because it is easily removed. All mother did was shake her head, and then said we should be going.

It was now six forty five, and by the time we got to the hospital, it would be about seven thirty. So we went to the alumni parking lot, and I got in and buckled my seat belt around me. Mother did the same, and we left for the hospital.

I was in dreamland in seconds after getting in the car. Mother let me sleep until we got to the hospital. When mother had found a parking space, she woke me and said we were there. It was seven twenty five, and we went in through the emergency room door. We told the security guard who we were, and that Dr. Burns was meeting us. He took us through a doorway, and over to the registration desk. He told us to wait here, and he would send Dr. Burns in as soon as she got here. We waited another maybe fifteen minutes, and Bobbie came over to us. She had another doctor with her.

"Good morning Jeannie. Dr. Clements, this young lady is Jean McMillan, and she is the patient I was telling you about."

"So, you are the young lady who made us look at ourselves. It is a grand pleasure to meet you, Jean. You may call me Alice. I am going to be doing most of the surgery today, and you will be here for a while, so that you can heal properly. After the surgery is completed, we will talk a little. Would that be alright with you?"

"Yes Alice, I would love to talk."

"Good. Well, I see that the registration people are getting settled in. I will be right back. Bobbie I think maybe you should register Jean now, that way we can get up to the floor."

Mother, I, Bobbie, and Dr. Clements, ummm Alice, went over to the desk. Bobbie gave the lady my name, and she said just to have a seat, and someone will be calling us in just a few moments. We sat back down, and about five minutes later, a man called us into his office. He took down all of the pertinent information, and then after looking at the papers again, said welcome, and he hoped my stay would be a comfortable one regardless of the surgery.

He called someone on the telephone, and a few minutes later, a lady showed up with a wheelchair. I got in the wheelchair, and the lady pushed me until we got to my room. Once inside the room a nurse told me to get undressed and into the gown she laid on the bed.

"When you are finished Jean, and lying in the bed, press this button and I will come and take your temperature, blood pressure and respiration. I will listen to your heart, and your lungs, and then you can rest until it is time for your surgery."

It didn't take long to get into the hospital gown, mother drew back the sheet on the bed, and I laid down. I picked up the remote and pressed the button that had a nurse's cap on it. The nurse came right in, and put the blood pressure cuff on, and started taking my pulse. She then had me sit up and took her stethoscope and listened to my heart. Then she had me take a few deep breaths, and then she had me take a few more deep breaths while she listened to my lungs through my back. She told me that I was going to go down for my surgery in just a bit, so I was to just relax until then.

"Bobbie can I sit in the theater, and watch? I have never seen and actual surgery like this, and I think it would be nice if Jean knew I was there."

"Of course, Jeannie. I think that would be a very good idea. When we are through with this phase, you can even sit in the recovery room next to her, so you are the first person she sees."

"Phase? Did you say 'this phase', Bobbie?"

"Yes Jean I did. When I talked to Alice about you, she said it was imperative that we get the actual surgeries completed as soon as possible. So young lady, you aren't just here for something as simple as hiding a few parts. Today we are going to start your actual srs. This will be done in three phases. Alice, would you explain a little better?"

"Of course. Jean this first phase is going to deal with the removal of the testes, and some of the penile tissue as well. I am going to give you a real clitoris, and then I am going to make the vaginal canal. But before we do that, dear, I want you to have an MRI. I want to see for myself just what goes on in that body of yours. The operation itself is going to be very lengthy, because I want you to be able to function as a woman. I will also re-route the urethra, and a few other things. When I am finished, you will not only look like a woman does, but you will be able to function as one. So, how does all of that sound?"

"Like I had died and gone to heaven. This has been my goal in life as well as being a sister in my mother's sorority."

"Well, after today, you will have accomplished them both. Welcome to womanhood for the rest of your life."

All I could do was lie back and smile. After today I will be physically female. After a few more minutes had passed, a lady came in with a wheelchair, and said we were going to go and have my MRI done. I got into the wheelchair, and she pushed me until we got to the radiology department. She took me to a room that said MRI Lab on the door.

She pushed me into the room, and there was a great big machine shaped like a tube. She had me lie on the bed part, or table as she called it, and told me to put my hands across my tummy, because once I was inside the tube, I wouldn't be able to move them, if they were at my sides. Then she gave me two small ear plugs, like you would have for swimming. I laid down, and then she said 'here we go'. The table moved backwards in to the tube, and when it was far enough it stopped. The lady whose name was Deanna, said they were going to start, and if I wanted to I could go to sleep.

I heard a noise like you would hear outside when there was construction going on. It sounded just like someone using an air hammer. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, Deanna was waking me up, and said we were all finished. I asked how long did it take, and she said two hours. Deanna said they did a complete scan of my entire body from head to toe. She helped me up, and in to the wheelchair, and then she took me back to my room.

Deanna was pretty, and she had auburn hair, and Irish green eyes. I found out that she was Irish by descent, and said she even had the temper to prove it. I giggled, and then we were back in my room. I got in the bed, and covered up. Why are hospital rooms so cold? Anyway I was fast asleep, and after a bit I was awakened by the nurse. She gave me a pill, and told me it would help me relax. It must have worked, because in no time I was asleep again.

I am really amazed at hospitals. They can move you while you are sleeping, and not even wake you. I don't know exactly how many hours I was sleeping, but when I woke up, I was in a room with a lot of bright lights. The nurse there came over and said it was about time I woke up.

"Where am I?"

"You are in the recovery room. Your surgeries went very good, and you should heal in no time. I'm Julie, and I am the day nurse here." She smiled, then went to get my chart. I looked at the other side of the bed, and mother was sitting there looking at me.

"Well, you are finally awake. Do you know that you have been sleeping for seven hours? The surgery took four and a half hours, and you will heal from this. Then you will come back in a few months, and Alice will complete what needs to be done. Is there any questions you may have, right now?"

"No mother, but the last time I knew, I was in the bed in my room. How did I get here?"

"We had two orderlies take your bed with you in it, to the operating room. Then they carefully lifted you onto the operating table, and Alice worked her magic. Bobbie helped her, and there were also two nurses there too. One of those nurses even remarked how much like a woman you already look, and that you wouldn't need facial feminization like a lot of transgendered persons have. You are going to be sore for quite a while, but at least you can go home in three weeks."

"Three weeks, mother? I thought it was only going to be two weeks."

"Well Alice wanted an extra week, because she said you will be in and out of consciousness for the first week, and the second and third weeks they want you to get up and walk around a bit each day. Bobbie said too, that this would be ideal, because Bobbie wants to have more tests done. Anyway dear daughter, you are now physically female, and I am very proud of you for standing your ground, and not letting anyone make you change your mind. Oh! There is one other thing too. Alice gave you natural implants for your breasts. With the hormones being able to do their job, you will really develop in the chest area. Alice said it could take anywhere from three to six weeks to notice any development, but your breasts will develop on their own now."

"But how is that possible? I mean, I know that breasts can develop better without testosterone in the way, but how will they develop like you said?"

"Alice said she took some veins and tissue from your derriá¨re, and implanted them on each side of your chest, so that your breasts will grow on their own like any other girl's. I have to confess that I don't really know much about it, but Alice said in a year you will be like any other woman your age. Also, Bobbie and I were talking too. We feel that you should have about three months of time release hormones, not one month after the other, but three months worth. This will help your body to develop like any other girl, and you will lose some weight in some places, and gain it in others. But when everything is completed, you will be a woman, and function like one too."

"But how can I function like a true female, if I can't have a monthly cycle or bear children?"

"Look at it this way, Jean. There are many women that are born barren. They can't have monthly cycles or bear children either, but that doesn't make them any less of a female, now does it."

"No, I guess not. I just never looked at it like that though."

"Well dear, I had better leave and get a little coffee. I will be back, so don't go anywhere." I tried laughing, but it hurt too much. So the "little" procedure turned into the srs. That is very all right with me. But now I wonder what the other phase to this is. Oh well, I guess I'll find out when the time comes. I yawned, and laid my head on my pillow, and went right to sleep.

I was to find out I had been sleeping for nine hours. The nurse on duty came in to check my IV drip, and my heart, and blood pressure monitors. When she saw that I was awake, she asked me if I was hungry. When I said yes, she said she would be right back. She looked at her watch and wrote something on the rubber glove she was wearing.

Her name was Trudy, and she was around my mother's age. She was still beautiful, and she had coal black hair. I was to find out that she was native American, and that she had been working as a registered nurse for fifteen years. When she came back she had a bag lunch in her hand.

"I'm afraid this is all we have, Jean. I could go out and get you something, but it would be something nutritious and not from any fast food place either. Do you want the bag lunch, or something from the restaurant?"

"This will do. I don't eat much anyway, so this is good." She left the bag lunch, and a small thing of milk. I ate what I wanted from the bag lunch, and drank the milk. What I didn't eat was the sandwich because it was bologna and swiss cheese. YUCK! But I did eat the yogurt, and the apple. Well, that was nutritious. I put the bag in the wastebasket, and when Trudy came back in, she took the bag out and looked inside.

"You didn't eat the sandwich, but you ate the yogurt and the apple. Well at least you had your nutrients today. Didn't you like the sandwich, Jean?"

"I don't like bologna or swiss cheese. So I didn't eat it. But the yogurt and the apple are nutritious, so I ate that."

"Tomorrow morning you will get a full breakfast. I will leave instructions with Connie when she comes on, to call down for a nice breakfast for you."

"Nothing too big, I would like to keep what figure I do have." We both giggled, and she went back to the nurses desk.

I fell fast asleep again, and didn't wake up until it was morning. I didn't have to worry about going to the bathroom, because the Foley catheter took care of that. I woke up just as the sun was coming up, and I could see frost on the windows. I looked at the clock by the television, and it said six thirty. Frost, I thought to myself, I wonder if it snowed.

Trudy came in and checked my monitors, adjusted the IV drip, and said she would be back in about an hour to take my vitals, as she called them, again. I went back to sleep, and Trudy woke me up because she had to take my vital signs. She listened to my heart, then my lungs, and after she took my pulse, and checked my monitors, she started to go back to the nurses desk.

"Excuse me Trudy. Did it snow last night?"

"I'm not sure, let me see out of the window." There was a break in the frost on the window, and she said no, it didn't snow, but now that we had our first frost of the year, any warm days would be indian summer. I thanked her, and she went back to the nurses desk.

I fell asleep again, and the next thing I knew Connie, the day nurse, was adjusting my IV, and checking my monitors. I moved my head so she could see I was awake, and then said she would be right back, because she had to check my temperature, blood pressure, respiration, and listen to my heart and lungs. I would have this done repeatedly over the next three weeks.

When Connie came back in, she told me that Trudy said to order a regular breakfast for me, and I should eat everything so I can build up my blood again. She said surgery takes a lot out of a person and they usually feel like sleeping a lot, at first. That is because the blood system is weakened a little by the loss of blood, and even though they use transfusions during surgery, it still leaves the blood weak. That is why, she said, it is important that I eat everything on the tray. She said I won't have to worry about gaining any weight, because she would make sure I didn't have any snacks brought in.

Connie set my breakfast tray down on the portable table, and raised the head of my bed so I could sit up and eat. She moved the table part over my bed, and as close as possible so I wouldn't have to lean too far over to eat. What leaning I did do, was very painful. It felt like someone had stabbed me in my tummy. Then I giggled to myself and thought, that is exactly what was done. I giggled again, then I ate what I could before I was tired and fell asleep again.

I slept until it was lunch time, and Connie woke me up to eat my lunch. She did the same thing with the portable table, and my bed, and I just ate what I could and was fast asleep again. When Connie came in to get my tray, she woke me up, and gave me a lecture on the finer points of nutrition, and why I should eat everything on my tray.

"But Connie, I feel so sleepy though. I eat what I can then I just fall asleep again. I'm tired Connie, and I hurt too, from the operation."

"Would you like a pain pill, Jean? Dr. Burns left a prescription for them at the desk."

"Yes Connie, that would be nice. What did she prescribe for my pain?"

"Vicodin. It is like a Tylenol tablet with codiene in it. If you think you are tired now, vicodin will help you sleep, as well as dull the pain, so it isn't bothering you. But you will sleep a lot more than you are now. Do want me to get you one?"

"Yes, please."

"I will be right back."

She took my tray out in to the hallway, and then came back with the pill. She gave me the pill, and handed me my water, and she said it will take anywhere from ten to twenty minutes to work. She said if I feel sleepy, just go to sleep, and don't worry about using the restroom, because that was what the Foley catheter was for. She took my vital readings again, and then said she would be back a little later.

I went to sleep again, and didn't wake up until June came on. She was the afternoon nurse, and worked until Trudy came on at ten o'clock. June was young, and told me she was just out of nursing school, and she was very glad that she had this opportunity to take care of a transgendered person. I thought to myself, that people are so condescending towards us, as if they pity us for being who we are. I wonder why that is? All I want to do is live as the woman I have always been. What is so wrong with that? Oh well, I have three weeks to be here, so I will just have to grin and bear it, as mother always says.

I fell asleep again, and this time June said she had to really shake me to wake up. She said that was the effect of the vicodin. I ate what I could of my dinner, and when June came back in, she just shook her head, because I didn't eat everything. She took my tray out in the hallway, and then came back in the room.

"All right Jean, I am going to check the stent."

"Stent?"

"Oh! Didn't Dr. Burns, or even Dr. Clements tell you about the stents?"

"No, not that I remember."

"Okay then. You have what is called a vaginal stent placed inside so the vaginal canal doesn't heal closed. If it does, it will have to be reopened surgically. The stent doesn't interfere with you being able to pee. I will be checking this every afternoon, until you go home. Then you will have to make sure the stents are in place, until the vaginal canal is completely healed. Does your mother live with you?"

"No I live on campus in the Gamma Delta Phi sorority house."

"You're a Gamma Delta? So am I! In that case sister, you have more than enough help, to help you with your stents, and anything else you may have to do."

"But you said you were just out of nursing school. When did you graduate?"

"I graduated last semester, before summer break."

"Oh! I just started this September. I never realized that my wanting to pledge my mother's house, would have gotten this far already. I thought I would have to wait a year, and the go through this in the summer. But I guess I have a guardian angel watching over me."

"You sure do, girlfriend, and that guardian angel is called Gamma Delta Phi. We are going to make sure you are very well taken care of."

"June, you were surprised to hear I was a Gamma Delta. Why is that?"

"Oh, probably because I don't have a lot of time to read our newsletter online. I had heard there was a transgendered person who pledged, but I haven't read about all the details. I will when I go home tonight. I save all the newsletters in a folder. Jean, from now on, I will make sure you are very well looked after. Oh! And another thing young lady, you had better start eating all of your food on your tray."

"Yes June, I will try." She rolled her eyes at the ceiling as she left to go and do her charting. I saw her talking to the other nurses, and they just looked in my direction. Then another nurse came in, and said her name was Elaine. She was my mother's age, and had auburn hair, and Irish green eyes. She still had a figure, and she was not one to be put off about anything.

"Good afternoon, Jean. I'm Elaine, and I am a Gamma Delta too, class of '67. Your mother was president of Gamma Delta Phi, when I went there. Yes Miss McMillan, like June said you will be well looked after from now on. There are Gamma Deltas on all three shifts on this floor. I was the one who got June assigned here, so she can see just how we treat patients. Some nurses just take your vital readings, and leave it go at that, because they have so many patients to look after. But we are a sisterhood, and we look after our own, as well as anyone else that comes along. That is why we are Gamma Deltas."

"Elaine, I have just one question. Why is it mother wants only Gamma Deltas around me. She wants me to buy from Gamma Deltas, and she wants me to see Gamma Delta doctors, and now even the nursing staff that takes care of me. Why is that, really?"

"Because with non Gamma Deltas, someone might not be as courteous to you. There are some nurses here that are very homophobic. They don't work on this floor, but we have them. So instead of having one of them, you were assigned here, because of the connection to Gamma Delta. I am also the head nurse on this floor, Jean, and I was the one that made sure June would be your nurse in the afternoon. Connie and Trudy are not Gamma Deltas, but they believe that a person has the right to be whoever they want to be, even what sex they need to be. So I made sure that even in this observation room, that they would be your nurses.

"Now on the days that Connie, June, Trudy, and I are off, I have made sure that the nurses taking care of you, are nurses who treat others they way they would like to be treated. Tell me something, Jean. How do you like living at the Gamma Delta Phi house?"

"I Love it. Everybody has been so nice, and so supportive. My roommate is Lily, she's native American, and is very nice. The other night, she woke me up a few times, because she said I was having a nightmare. I don't remember what it was about, but she said I was."

"That is not odd to have a nightmare or even a nice dream on the night before surgery. Well anyway, just so you know, your sisters are here, and we are looking after you. Now get some rest girlfriend, you are going to need all the strength you can get."

She left to go back to the nurses desk, and I laid there thinking about what she had said. I was being looked after by Gamma Deltas. I bet that Dr. Burns, Dr. Clements, and mother had something to do with this. I just bet. I fell asleep shortly after Elaine left, and I had a nice dream.

I dreamt that I was at a sorority picnic, and all the Gamma Deltas that could come, came and introduced themselves to me, and talked to me for the longest time. They never asked me why I wanted my surgeries, they never asked me how long did I wish I was female, but they talked about other things. Things they did when they lived in their Gamma Delta houses on the various campuses they went to college at. I was in the middle of a conversation with a Gamma Delta from Greece, and she spoke broken English, but she was understandable, when Trudy came in and woke me up to take my vital readings. I was in pain again, so I asked Trudy for a pain pill.

"Here you go, sweetie. Let me check your stent."

She pulled the curtain around my bed, and lifted my gown, so she could check the stent. She said everything was good, and opened up the curtain. I was in the observation room, next to the nurses desk, and the curtain had to be opened at all times, unless there was a nurse in the room with me, or even a doctor.

I went right back to sleep, and didn't wake up until breakfast. Connie came in with my tray, and admonishing me to eat everything, she left. When she came back in, she took my vital readings, and took my tray out in the hall. When she saw my tray she just shook her head, and went 'tsk tsk.' I mean, what exactly am I supposed to do? I will not stuff myself until I am full. Food is supposed to be to keep us alive, and put nutrients in our bodies to keep us healthy. Food was never intended to be eaten until you can't eat any more.

Between my being very weak after my surgery, and the vicodin, I slept mostly all the time, when I wasn't eating, or having tests done. After this week is over, Bobbie wants to do another MRI. I was told that I had one CT scan already done, but was told that I was asleep when they did it. I will never get over how hospitals can do that, I mean take you for testing and not even wake you.

After going through the same routine day after day, the first week went very fast. That's because most of the time I was sleeping. When Friday came, I woke up and found something soft by my head. I looked at the most beautiful teddy bear I had ever seen. This one was powder pink, with white sides, and had a very pretty darker pink bow around the neck. I held it in my arms, and was fast asleep again.