Keep the tissues handy and tighten your seat belts, Stella is driving!

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad & Virginia Creeper.
part 44.

I sat in the car completely lost in my thoughts. The last time we had met my father had nearly killed me, if he saw me like this he'd finish the job if the shock didn't kill him. What would it do to my mother, he hadn't said what was wrong with her? If she was ill or injured then I would want to see her, if only to say goodbye. They weren't bad people, just misguided and prejudiced - some of which I think came from being fed stereotypes and wrong information and a bit too much bible-bashing when they were young.

I was only barely aware that we were moving, which with Stella's driving might be an advantage. If I'd been able to compare them in a calmer environment, I'm not sure if her driving or my father's temper would have frightened me more.

I looked around and we were on the motorway, I cringed and returned to my thoughts. What would happen if my mother died? My God, you tend to think of them as always being there. What will my dad do if she doesn't recover, he'll be lost on his own? Will I have to go home and look after him? There were plenty of questions, but no answers. Why do these things seem to happen when I'm having fun, it's almost as if their God doesn't like me and regularly craps on me from on high. Well carry on, shit only makes things grow, and that includes me!

We pulled into a motorway services, "We need some more fuel, I also need to call Simon and tell him what we're doing, let's get a cuppa while we're at it." Stella had taken control while I tagged along buried deep in my own thoughts.

Happier thoughts were passing through my mind, of times with my mum helping her do the baking when I was a kid - she taught me the basics of cooking from an early age, as they would be useful if I lived on my own. She was right, they were. She also taught me to clean and tidy the house and to do minor repairs to my clothes, such as darning a sock or sewing on a button. Dad accepted these as useful skills when I went to uni or got my own place. He could hardly boil a kettle but he got by, usually on someone else's efforts.

He taught me how to fix my bike and a bit of gardening and DIY, so I learned from both of them. They also tried to cram their narrow views down my throat too, until I rebelled during my A-level year. We had a great RI teacher who was an ordained priest and also taught physics and maths. She was one of the most intelligent people I ever knew.

I got to know her when my biology teacher saw I was in a philosophical crisis in trying to reconcile what my parents had taught me and what I was learning from science. She arranged some tutorials for me and we discussed my difficulties.

She fostered in me an attitude that there are very few absolutes, if any and things should be open to reasonable doubt, including the basis of all beliefs. She also suggested that it was acceptable to challenge my beliefs and those of others, providing I did it in courteous way, recognising their right to hold them but also my own in rejecting them.

I learned that faith comes from within, not from bits of dead papyrus or printed books, and that I should follow my heart as well as my head and listen to my conscience. We touched on all sorts of issues and beliefs including things like Wicca and Sorcery. Until then, with the possible exception of Harry Potter and co, I saw all these things as works of the Devil. So we explored the concept of the Devil as a man made entity. She was absolutely wonderful, although the gap between me and my parents began to spread. I stopped going to church because listening to some tub thumper was a waste of my time, when I could read Joseph Campbell and begin to understand the world as inclusive not exclusive.

During one of my sessions with Dr Meyrick, the RI teacher, she said to me, "Charlie, talking to you reminds me of some of the discussions I had with my own daughter." It pleased me immensely and I wished she could have adopted me on the spot.

"I wish I was one of your daughters," I sighed and she gave me a puzzled look. "I'd love to have a mum as clever and articulate as you." I covered my exposure quickly and her expression softened into a smile as if she thought, 'You had me worried for a moment'.

I lost contact when I went off to uni, maybe I would look her up again, to let her know how her advice and nurturing had developed me into a questing scientist, with a deep respect for the planet and all its creatures great and small.

"I'm going to call Simon, get me a cuppa and cake of some sort," instructed Stella. It brought me back into the real world again a noisy, dangerous place compared to my nice memories. I queued and got the stuff at a rip off price, and took them to a table. Stella joined me moments later.

"He sends his love and hopes your mum will be better soon." I thanked her for her and Simon's help. I was close to tears, the nearer we got to home the more scared I became.

At the fuel station, I sat sniffing in the car and Stella got back in with a huge bunch of flowers which she plonked on my lap. "Thank you," I said blushing.

"They're for your mother dummy, from Simon and me and you if you want?"
Then she noticed me sniffing. "I didn't mean to be nasty, and I'm sure she'll be okay."

I nodded and she drove off back to the motorway and towards Bristol. "She'll be all right, you'll feel better when you've seen her."

I nodded again and then burst into tears. "Look sweetheart, I can't drive and console you, I'm sure she's in the best place and that they are looking after her."

"It's not that," I sniffed.

"What is it then?"

"I'm scared of what my dad might say or do," I sniffed again.

"It'll be alright, I'll be there to help."

"No it won't, he gets angry with me." I then explained what had happened the last time I saw him.

"He did what? Jesus, Cathy, if he lays one finger on you I'll have him arrested." She spoke with a degree of anger that surprised me. I shivered in anticipation of their meeting, I hated confrontation.

My mobile rang again, "Charlie, meet me at the hospital and hurry," it rang off before I could say anything.

"Was that him again?" asked Stella.

I nodded, just the sound of his voice made me feel sick. I was beginning to wonder if I could cope with this, whether I was brave or strong enough.

I relayed his message to Stella and asked her to stop the car quickly. She pulled over and asked what was wrong, but I had jumped out of the car and was throwing up on the hard shoulder, he frightened me that much.

I was trembling when she came around to me, "Come on Cathy, you're going to be alright, I'll be there with you, he wouldn't dare touch you in front of me."

"I wouldn't bet on it," I said.

She put her arm around me, "Come on girl, women are stronger than men, that's why they use violence, but it's a wasted effort, you can't kill spirit only the flesh."

"You sound like Dr Meyrick, my old RI teacher."

"Me? Come off it Cathy, I'm a born again agnostic."

I know she was trying to cheer me up but I was fast approaching total despair and I still had to deal with whatever was wrong with my mother.

Back in the car Stella drove like a demon, and an hour and a half later we were parking at the hospital. I rushed into reception as quickly as my high heeled boots would allow me. Once I explained that my mother was here somewhere and very ill, the receptionist deigned to help me find her. She was in ICU. I wanted to run to her and away from her and stand and scream.

Stella grabbed my arm and led me towards the Intensive care unit. As we approached I saw my father facing the other way scanning the corridor. "That's him, oh fuck!" I hissed to Stella.

"Keep walking he won't recognise us, come on he won't start anything in front of your mother."

Somehow she was right and we managed to sneak in without him recognising me. I explained who I was, well Stella did. A nurse led us to her bed, she was asleep attached to all these tubes and wires. She looked so small surrounded by all the equipment. I sat alongside her and gently held her hand.

"Mum, it's me." I spoke quietly but slowly and clearly, hoping she could hear me. Stella stood behind me, holding the flowers in one hand and gripping my shoulder with the other.

Mum opened her eyes and looked at me, just then my father came in and his eyes bulged but before he could speak my mother did, "Ah I thought I heard my Charlie, but it must have been my imagination, look Derek he's sent two angels instead. God is good," she said, gave a great sigh and died.

I think I screamed, because two nurses came rushing in. My father was kneeling on the floor and sobbing, praying to his god. Stella and I were led out of the room and declined to stay and talk to the doctor. I just wanted to get away from there as soon as I could and before my father and his wrath could catch me.

However, Stella was upset too and we had to go somewhere to calm down before we could drive back.