How do you tell your father you're engaged? What was it that Cathy told Simon she rolled in the grass with? And what about the photos, and the story in the local paper, or was it Spiked?

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Bonzi's Mum.
part: 143 (just wait for the next one all you dozen fetishists!).

I dropped off my charges at the university and came straight home. I showered and called Simon, it was half past three, in the morning. How did I used to do this and then turn up for lectures - well I needed the sleep! If they showed any slides, ie darkened the room, I was gone, zzuzzing away like a baby.

We spoke very briefly, I dried my hair, had a quick cuppa and bit of toast - crikey that bread was stale, it was like biscuit before I put it in the toaster, but I needed my surviving roll for breakfast.

I fell into bed about four fifteen and died until about nine or half past, when a heavy lorry or something woke me up, the whole building was vibrating and at first I wondered if we were having an earth tremor.

It wasn't and once awake, I got up and tried to rescue my hair. Of course sleeping on it had made it all stand up one side, so my shower instead of saving time had cost me some. I showered again, ate my brekkies and then dried my hair. It looked okay, but I was getting some dark rings under my eyes. I would sleep tonight at my father's house if it killed me.

I dressed and threw on some makeup to try and hide the tiredness marks. It didn't really work, it never does. I packed and set off for Bristol arriving there some three hours later.

I stripped my bed and filled up the machine, got the bread machine loaded and chopped up the vegetables I'd bought on the way in. He could have some soup, but it would be commercial bread until tomorrow, unless I went in again tonight. I yawned and decided I'd make up my mind later.

I vacuumed around and cleaned up the kitchen, the soup was done and eventually so was my washing. It was dry and breezy, and I hung it on the line. I had some stuff to take into Dad, spare jammies and hankies, why he couldn't use tissues like the rest of the planet, God alone knew. I just cringed at the thought of bogies in my panties!
So I used to soak them in bleach in a bucket and wash them by Marigold, my rubber gloves - well I wasn't going to do them by hand! Ugh!

I was almost tempted to cycle in and show him the bike that cost me an arm and a leg. I had a small backpack. I shoved all the stuff I had to take, including his clean clothes and the flask of soup and the part of a French stick I'd bought - the rest was mine for tea. It all went in and was quite heavy, but I'd cope, I thought.

I pulled on my team GB strip - Victoria Pendleton, I was not, sigh! Then keys and small handbag with money and so on tied to the back of my backpack, bike out of garage, and off.

I got to the hospital in twenty minutes, without the extra weight, I could have saved maybe three or four, but I wasn't counting. Well I was actually, it took the average speed down point one of a mile per hour, my average was now 17.8MPH. Go down a nice big hill, that tends to improve things, poor old Cat's eye, easily fooled, a bit like me.

I rode up to the nearest entrance to my Dad's ward and clomped along pushing the bike with me. I then had to plead with the ward Sister to allow me to bring the bike in with me. Was my father surprised, his eyes were on stalks at me in something sporting, although I had told him I rode.

He was so busy looking at my bike, then back at me in racing skins, that he didn't seem to notice the bread was shop bought. In any case by the time it's all been broken up and dunked in the soup, I'm not sure many folk could tell the difference. He cleared the bowl and downed a cuppa.

He called me over and tried to whisper in my ear. "V-ulls, voo got none."

It didn't make much sense, so whispered at him to show me. He prodded me in the crotch, thankfully without anyone seeing. "Gone!" he declared.

"Looks like," I shrugged and he rolled his eyes.

"Voo woss way."

"I've lost weight?"

"Ess."

"Dunno, I think this makes me look skinnier."

"Ice bummm."

"Ice bum? Oh nice bum, gotcha. You're my father, your not supposed to make personal remarks like that. He giggled like a schoolkid.

I stayed for the hour and was leaving with my lighter backpack, when the ward Sister stopped me. "He really misses you, you know. When you call in to see him it lifts him like balloon."

"I'm sorry, but I do have other commitments, including to my employer, the government, my students, the EU and a few dozen dormice."

"Oh, that's what he was saying the other day, you are the dormouse lady."

"That's me."

"I don't now how you find them, like a needle in a haystack, isn't it? I mean they're quite rare nowadays, aren't they?"

"They take a bit of finding, but once you get your eye in, as the birdwatchers say, they can be found. I suppose I'm looking for potential habitats whenever I go out in the countryside, once I spot one I look for any signs, and off you go. It's almost an obsession these days. But they are increasingly rare, like so many things.

I belong to a probus group, would you come and talk to us about dormice or wildlife in general?

"I don't know, it's about time as much as anything, when do you meet?"

"Usually on a thursday evening."

"Get me some dates and I'll see what I can do, but I won't promise anything."

"Does your dad know you're engaged?"

"How did you know that?"

"Like you with your dormice, I spot the signs."

"What signs?"

"Well they're very subtle, a mood thing, a twinkle in the eye, a difference in posture."

"You're winding me up," I grinned.

"No, I'm not it's all there for the trained eye, oh that and you're wearing a ring."

I laughed and so did she, "It's my mother's - so there."

"But you are aren't you?"

"Yeah, haven't had time to get the ring yet, and he's injured, so it's going to have to wait."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Have you told your dad?"

"No, not yet."

"Why not, shouldn't he be told, he is your next of kin."

"I'm concerned he may see it as a way of avoiding him, long term."

"What, abandonment?"

"Yes, I don't intend to and I have made it a condition of marriage that we try and integrate him into our lives. But I'm a scientist not a miracle worker and it might not happen for all sorts of reasons."

"I can see that, he could also live another twenty years, he's not sixty yet."

"You see my dilemma."

"I do. Oh well, have a safe ride home."

"Thanks."

I remember reading some stories of a transgendered kid called Gaby or Drew, who liked to think on his or her bike, and when she had a problem, she went for a ride to resolve it. Well, the rest of the stories were, shall we say you had to suspend belief, to allow to happen, but they were good fun. It was all fiction obviously, but the bit about riding a bike to think, absolutely true. It worked for me each time.

By the time I got home, and had showered and changed again, I was washing myself away, the bread was done and the washing was dry. I dressed smart casual, long cord skirt and thin jumper with my fur trimmed hooded jacket. Some make up and I finished the French stick with the remains of the soup for my meal. I made Daddy a ham sandwich and wrapped it up. I was just putting the last of the dishes away when the phone rang.

"Hi babe, you're gonna love the pic in the local rag, I've ordered you a copy."

"Oh hell, I'd forgotten all about it, thanks for spoiling my day.I was just about to leave to tell Daddy about our engagement."

I paused trying to remember how many they took. "Which one did they use?"

"I'll take a copy with my mobile and send it on."

"Will I actually be able to see anything?"

"Doubt it,"

"Can you get Stella to take a digital photo and email me?"

"Yeah, good thinking, I can see why you're a scientist."

"Can you, oh well you can explain it to me later, because I'm blowed if I know why."

"You love small furry things."

"Not all of them, rats do very little for me at all."

"They got a bad press, that's all."

"If you say so, I'll call you when I've seen the email."

"Okay, byeeeeeeee."

That was all I needed. I catastrophised as usual, thinking all it needs is someone to write into our local paper and.... I tried not to even think about it in case it became manifest. Oh bugger!

I drove to see Dad and took him his sandwich. He managed about two thirds of it, so I let him off the rest.

"I have something to tell you." I had difficulty holding his gaze. "Simon has asked me to marry him and I said, yes."

I could see the conflict immediately, the desire to congratulate me and the worry about himself. I waited for him to say something, but he seemed to drift in his thoughts.

"It's going to be a long engagement, I want to finish my degree first. I also told him I needed to resolve your situation as well. For all our differences, you are still part of my life. I don't want that to change, unless you do. I still hope and pray that you will one day become more independent, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm sorry that Mummy isn't here to help me plan a wedding one day, but I dreamt of her the other day and she seemed content with things, she showed me this necklace and earrings, as if she wanted me to wear them, so I will. It will feel as if part of her is there with me."

He nodded.

"When Simon is better, remember he was shot by those idiot poachers, I'll bring him up to see you again. Remember you got on well last time." I saw him looking at the ring, "Nah, this is Mum's ring, we haven't had a chance to look for one yet, maybe at the weekend, when I go back down to babysit."

He gave me a questioning look, "I mean look after Simon, like all men he's a big baby, but he likes my cooking."

"Voos ood gook."

"I'm a good cook?" I asked and he nodded. "Thanks Daddy, but I'm nothing special in the cookery department. But I'm better than Simon, so he thinks I'm good, and I suppose you like my food too."

He nodded and rubbed his belly, "Mmm mmm."

"Yum yum?" I asked.

"Ess," he said nodding.

"Any more physio or speech therapy?"

"Ess, is ee o, moggo."

"Physio, tomorrow?"

"Ess."

"Okay, I'll call by lunchtme, if I have time to make you some soup. I have to go to Bristol Uni to see a man about a dog - fox."

He laughed, "O- ay."

I kissed him and drove back. Then after switching on the lap top, I went to make some tea while it warmed up. The picture was of the whole group with me in the middle, the rest towering over me, despite my heels, even Dr Smythe was taller.

There was short story with it.

'Portsmouth University's zoology department today became the leader in a massive project funded by the EU and British governments, plus some investment from the private sector, to see what damage global warming is having on the wildlife in this country.

The project leader is Professor Tom Agnew, who said that mapping and distribution was essential to understanding the expansion or decline of species. With larger species it was easier to get some sort of estimate, but with small, nocturnal or rare species it was much more difficult, such as for species like dormice, which were under threat from habitat destruction by farming, development and other human activities.

He was pleased to say that his team included Cathy Watts, a leading expert on dormice, who would also be coordinating the survey of rodents. Cathy showed the government team around the dormouse breeding project, which she also runs, with her assistant 'Spike' who posed with her boss for the camera.

Prof Agnew, explained that this was the biggest survey of its sort attempted and is the leading wildlife project in Europe. It is due to last at least three years, by which time Spike will be a grandmother several times over.

They will be looking for volunteers at some point in the spring. Contact them on www.wildlifesurvey/ports .....'

I phoned him. "I suppose it could have been worse."

"Well if they do one in three years time, you might well be Lady Catherine and Princess Spike."

"Oh don't, I don't think I can cope tonight," I yawned.

"Well that'll teach ya to go looking for the teddybear's picnic."

"Yeah, I think you may be right, except we found it, didn't I tell you, that's why we were late back, stopped for drinky-poos with the teddies."

"Damn, I knew there was something you were holding back on."

"Yeah, had a roll in the grass with a two foot teddy."

"I didn't think teddies had, you know whats," he said.

"They don't."

"Oh, so what was the point of rolling in the grass with a teddy bear."

"Na, this wasn't a teddybear, it was a teddy boy and the two foot didn't relate to his height or his bike chain.... I have to go to bed now, night." I switched off the phone and left him up in the air. I'm sure he knows I wouldn't cheat on him anyway, not that I could, but it doesn't do him any harm to be teased occasionally.

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Your comments are special, they make the story look longer and then Erin doesn't shout at me for writing short ones, and I don't cry and Bonzi doesn't get wet while sitting on my lap, and I know you don't believe a word of it, do you?