Cathy shows off her dormouse handling skills and misses the point of the exercise.

Easy As Falling Off A Trike.
by Angharad
part 1+4+1 = half a dozen 8)

I got back to the university by about half ten, I felt exhausted but I had three students to interview about the project. I was just finishing my tea when they arrived. It was obvious they'd heard the rumours because while they approached me they were whispering and exchanging glances. I thought we'd get the sniggering over fast.

"Hi I'm Cathy Watts," I reached out a hand to the first student a buxom girl, with unruly dark hair. She was taller and wider than I was, and her hand was larger.

"Zoe, Zoe Tripp. She blushed as her hand seemed to engulf mine. I felt quite good about it.

Next was, "Denise," a redhead about my size with masses of freckles and brown eyes, quite a pretty girl.

Finally, "Nick," was the young man who brought up the rear, wearing those ridiculous jeans that show the wearer's underpants, in this case made by 'Ben Sherman'.

"Okay, I saw the sniggers and funny looks, care to share it with me?"

"They said you were a transvestite," offered Zoe.

"A transvestite?" I shook my head.

"And what do you think, are they correct?" None of them made any effort to say anything.
"If we're going to be working together, I think we need to resolve this, okay?"

The three students nodded. "I'm going to ask you in turn what you think, okay?" they all nodded.

I looked at Zoe, "You look like a woman to me, prettier than I am."

"Yeah, I agree. Those trousers would show if you were a boy," contributed Denise.

"Doin' anything tonight?" said Nick, smiling.

"I don't think you could afford me, Nick, but thanks for the offer. The other thing is that my fiance may not take it too kindly and he's quite a bit bigger than you." I watched him blush.

I then spent half an hour outlaying my project and the data I was collecting. They asked a few questions and I answered them. I explained how important it was and that they had to be committed to it or leave now.

I showed them our captive breeding programme, where Neal was cleaning out some containers. "Hi Neal, how's it going?"

"Hi gorgeous," he said, flirting with me enough to make me blush. The three youngsters were laughing at his fooling around. He did manage to steal a kiss though and went off pretending he was drunk.

"See what I have to put up with, Nick you should be okay, I don't think he's gay." That made Nick blush and the girls titter. I explained what we were trying to achieve and how the programme had already cost over twenty thousand pounds a year to run.

We went back to my room at the lab and I explained some more. At the end, they all wanted in, which was good. We agreed to meet on the next evening at the university and I would show them how to do a site check. I gave them a pile of paper about the project results and the two papers I'd published with Prof Agnew. I also gave them a photocopied article on dormouse signs and habitats, plus a couple of gnawed hazel nut shells, showing how they differed from mouse or squirrel gnawed shells. They seemed quite impressed.I hoped they would be responsible and reliable, this thing was my baby.

The nutty professor had insisted I meet him for lunch at a pub about four hundred yards away, I walked there. He waved from the lounge bar when he saw me at the door. "Hi Cathy," he gave me a peck on the cheek.

He ordered me a St Clements, and asked me how things were going. I explained that I had been to see Dr Thomas, the police and then interviewed three students for my project.

"That all?" he laughed when I went to strangle him. "They any good?"

"I won't know until I get some results back from them, I just hope they have stickability."

"Yes, quite a commitment, still they could also get mention in government circles and a mention in some big journal papers. 'Nature' have agreed to do a peer review when we have something to show them and the Journal of the Mammalian Society are also interested. I also told the BBC Natural History magazine that you'd do them a piece with some nice piccies of dormice, about a thousand words. Oh you'll get a fifty quid fee for that."

"The money would be nice, but when am I supposed to write it?"

"What about this afternoon, I know you have some amazing pictures of dormice. Email it to this guy at this address."

"Bristol, that figures."

"Oh you could have dropped it in on thursday, never mind." He laughed at me and once more I made to strangle him. "Never bite the hand that feeds you." I moved back. "Talking of which, what do you want to eat?" I settled for a jacket potato with tuna in mayonnaise. He had a chicken curry.

"Tomorrow morning I need you to look tidy, I want you to show someone around your captive breeding set up. Have you still got your tame vermin?"

"What Spike?"

"Spike, what sort of name is that for a bloody dormouse?"

"Well she has a small spike of hair where she got bitten when she was young, it stands up a bit."

"I'll bet they've all got names haven't they?"

"So, what's wrong with that?"

"Geez woman, you're supposed to be a scientist, not a nursery nurse."

"These are my babies," I pouted at him and he nearly choked on his Guinness, when he'd stopped coughing, he shook his head and rolled his eyes at me, "I knew we shouldn't have had women on this project."

"You seemed quite pleased to have me at your house the other night, your impromptu dinner party, remember."

"Oh, all right, I suppose you do have your uses."

"You're only jealous because I slept with Simon."

"Yes I am, damned impertinence, that!"

"Well at least he had the grace to ask me to marry him, you wouldn't have." I pouted again.

"I'm your employer, if I married you Mary would kill me after the ceremony." He laughed drawing his hand across his throat. "Besides, he's better looking and has more money and probably more staying power," he winked at me, "if he hasn't give me a shout," he winked again.

"You are a dirty old man Agnew," said a male voice. We both looked up to see Dr Andrews stood beside us. "Well aren't you going to get me a drink Tom?"

"He does this to me every time," sighed Prof Agnew, "here, get him a gin and tonic, no ice," he thrust a fiver in my hand. I sighed and went and got it for him, bloody stereotype again!

"Right any more nasties in the post?" asked Agnew.

"What's this?" asked the Dean.

I explained about the letters and that I had been to the police that morning again. They both made reassuring noises of support, but there wasn't much else they could do. We all walked back to the university and I sat and wrote a simple account of the dormouse recovery programme and gave little other information. I included some rather good photos taken with infra red, some close ups of Spike, who is quite happy to pose in daylight as long as I give her a brazil nut. I know if ever she gets to South America, she'll destroy the rainforest in about three weeks. She'll also do tricks for coconut, but I don't tell the professor about that, she's too tame to put into the wild unless it was next door to Waitrose or Sainsbury's.

I went home feeling a bit anxious in case there was any more trouble with the two morons on my floor or more hate mail. There was neither. I ended up having a quiet night, a couple of rolls and some tea, a quick call to Simon and I went to bed. He wanted me to go back to the cottage, I declined. I needed an early night and had one.

I awoke at about six and decided to get up, I showered checked my legs for hair and after shaving them decided I'd get them waxed next time, shaving was a drag every week or two. I did under my arms as well. I did my hair in a down style and put on a bit more makeup than I'd usually wear to work. I wore a suit Stella had given me, with a scoop necked top and a push up bra. I showed a bit of cleavage. I ummed and ahhed over it for about quarter of an hour. I wondered who the mysterious visitor was that Agnew had given me instructions to impress. I added my mother's sapphire necklace and earrings then a silver bracelet and her engagement ring, on my right hand. A squirt of Chanel no 5 in various places and I was ready.

The suit was a straight skirt which came to above knee, and fitted jacket which made the most of my bust and smaller waist, making the one look bigger and the other smaller respectively. It was in a cornflower design on a darker blue background and made by some French company in Paris. It fitted me like a glove and with my navy pumps, looked quite smart. Too smart for the office really. I had tea and toast for breakfast not feeling very hungry and concerned I might get jam on my outfit.

I popped in to see Mary Miller, "Wow Cathy, you look great, you going somewhere nice today?"

"No, Grumpy told me to look tidy today," I nodded at the professor's door.

"You look like a model."

"I'm too short and not curvy enough."

"I don't think so. I think you look beautiful."

"Thank you Mrs Miller, I think you look pretty good too."

"Call me Mary, Cathy, you're far too polite you know."

"Thanks Mary, if that's okay."

"Course it is pet. Let's have a cuppa before bighead gets in."

We had just finished when the Professor came in, I was stood with my back to him when he came in, looking at some photos Mary had of her son's wedding. "Is that the person from the ministry?" he hissed at Mary.

"No, it's Lady Stanebury," hissed Mary back, I'd told her of my engagement while we had our coffee.

"Who? Is she with the Department?"

"Yes, friend of the Secretary of State," hissed Mary.

"You'd better introduce me." I heard him say and felt him walking closer.

"Lady Stanebury, can I introduce the nutty professor," said Mary to my back. On hearing Simon's name I turned around.

"Jesus, Mar...., bloody hell it's Cathy, you look amazing, every part the lady of the manor. He took my hand and kissed it.

I stood there blushing and glaring at Mary who was cackling like an old witch.

"Is this the ring?" asked Agnew, looking at my hand which he still held.

"No, it's my mum's, we haven't got one yet, haven't had time."

"Get a good one girl, he can afford it," advised my boss.

"I shall know the one when I see it."

"Right, has our visitor arrived yet?"

"Not yet, you said ten." Mary didn't allow him all his own way.

"Okay, it's half nine now, you in my office," he pointed at me, "You make me some coffee," he nodded at Mary."

"One grain or two?" she called back.

"What?" he looked puzzled.

"Arsenic, one grain or two?"

"I wondered why it always tasted so foul." He ushered me into his office. "We have some quite important guests coming, God but you do look fabulous this morning," he scratched his groin. "One from Natural England, another from the Department of the Environment, and some creep from Brussels."

"The last one from the EU was a lovely man, looked liked a film star." I sighed a deliberate deep sigh and pretended to look starry eyed.

"You silly cow, this one is likely to be bald and fat."

"Like you?"

"Cheeky bitch, you just watch that pet rat of yours doesn't jump down that cleavage because I might be tempted to help find him."

"Spike is female and she's a dormouse not a rat."

"All the bloody same, hairy tailed rats!" He loved to wind me up, but today I wasn't going to play.

"Some zoologist you are, don't know your arsefoot from your elbow!"

"My what?" he spluttered at me.

"It's an American grebe, also called a helldiver I believe."

"The birdwatching I do is usually in pubs and clubs and infinitely more satisfying than those feathered things you like."

I shook my head in mock disgust, "Still you look tidier than usual," I said appraising him. He just glowered.

Mary came in without a coffee, "There's a cab pulling up outside, I think your visitors are early."

"Oh hell, make them drive around the block, I need my caffeine."

"Can't you have one with them?" I asked.

"What the stuff Mary makes, you're joking."

"It hasn't killed you yet," I observed.

"It's only a matter of time," he said and slumped in his chair. "I had hair till she came to work for me."

"You're an old drama queen," I quipped.

"Taken you a long time to discover that," he said his eyes twinkling, "Elope with me before they get here," he said his eyes pleading.

"Sorry, not today, I left the cooker on."

"Oh bugger!" he said and we laughed.

"Where do you want me, with regard to your vistors?" I added quickly.

"Here by my side, no better still where you are, I can see more of your cleavage."

The door opened and Mary ushered in, "Dr Hill from Natural England, Dr Smythe from The DoE and Professor O'Malley from the EU." In walked a middle aged man, a woman about forty but in good condition, and a tall red haired man with a huge bushy beard. He was as Irish as they came and he had a voice like liquid chocolate, I nearly melted under the table when he introduced himself.

"Tom Agnew, and my post grad colleague, Cathy Watts. I've asked her to accompany us because she's running the rodent element of the survey. She's also set up a captive breeding programme for dormice, which we'll go round presently." I shook hands with all three of our visitors, the mad Irishman kissing my hand. What is it with professors?

Agnew did eventually get his coffee and we talked about the survey and the costs, or at least he did. Then about half an hour later, we went to go down to my lab and the dormouse project, and Dr Smythe asked if we could take some photos to report to the minister. I could hardly refuse, expecting her to produce a small digital camera, instead she beckoned over a young bloke with a camera bag.

We went down to my lab and I explained my own survey and showed some of my computerised data, then we went to see Spike and her buddies. I had a brazil nut and she happily sat in my hand feeding from it, storing bits in her cheek pouches.

"Can we get a picture of you holding the dormouse?" asked Dr Smythe. I could hardly refuse when she had agreed to fund some more equipment, night vision stuff and more laboratory equipment. The cages we used were quite expensive built especially for us in darkened glass. "Just to show the minister." I stood there like a lemon smiling while Spike tickled my hand."

"Hold her up just a little higher, lets get the cages in the shot as well, that's great. Now one with you as well Professor," and Agnew stood alongside me, his arm around my waist. Then it was with the mad Celt, and the Natural England bod. Finally one of us all together with me in the middle, still holding Spike, although she was now on a hazelnut.

At last it was over, I think during the visit Spike had eaten half her bodyweight in nuts. Oh well she's so good, blinking in the daylight. I love her to bits, and she's had so many babies, and reared them all. I get broody when I see her pregnant again, but I can never have babies of my own. Sigh!

The phone in the lab rang, "Are you coming to lunch with us?" It was Agnew.

"Do I have to?" I wasn't really hungry.

"But of course."

"Okay, I'll be right up." I nipped in the toilet and freshened up, afterwards I walked up to his office, then accompanied the mob to a nice restaurant about a mile away, ferried there by a large Mercedes.

After lunch, where I was pretty well forced to have some Chablis with my tuna bake, the visitors were collected by the Merc again and Agnew and I got an ordinary cab, back to the uni.

"Thanks for doing the photos, they'll look really good on the poster, there'll also be one in the local rag tomorrow."

"What? You are going to use those photos for the poster?"

"Yes, why do you think they took them?"

"She said for the minister."

"Yes, he's the one who wanted the pictures for the poster, to keep your boyfriend's bank happy."

"If I'd known that was what they were doing I wouldn't have agreed to it."

"Who else could hold your tree rat for half an hour?"

"Neal, she's quite fond of him and Sharon."

"Sharon is on leave, besides, you looked really dishy today."

"I hate you!" I pouted, "I just hope there won't be any negative feedback from them via the tabloids."

"Can't think why."

"The grapevine is on broadband speeds," I explained.

"Publish and be damned," he said and put his arm around me, "we could still elope if you'd prefer."

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Comments are welcome, tell me what crap it is!