Sweet Dreams-35 The first cut is the Deepest.

Chapter 35

It doesn’t take that long before there’s moans coming from the bedroom at Jen’s. The look on Alex’s face is.

Confused…
Listening…
Then shock or surprise…
Then Oh…..

There’s this loud cry of girly pleasure and I start rounding everyone up. “Okay…okay come on let’s give the lovebirds privacy to coo.”

I have to push some of the guys out. I’m oddly amused at the boners all around. Todd looks like he might pop a nut right away. I laugh at them and they get to moving but it’s still funny.

Todd and the other guys take the moving truck back while Alex and I follow to play chauffer. I’m glad I asked Todd to come and help along with some of the football players. He’s the guy who gave me my school tour and a dyed in the wool full on geek. He’s also like part of the schools score keeping staff and on the media club for like school sports and stuff. He was really quiet and shy here but slowly started to be less nervous. Him helping out gave him exposure as a decent guy for the popular crowd.

And maybe, just maybe that’ll help his school year to suck less. He might not have to like be a jock or fit in totally but he’s out of the grey social area at least now. Hey it can help, and sometimes when you don’t fit in and you’re too scared and too shy to put yourself out there a little help…can be a big thing.

I get the lonely misfit thing.

But I’m still that way in my head a lot. Hell I’m still shaking my head ay being part of the popular crowd.

Tony actually has Todd with him and Skip…yeah I know there’s a guy actually called Skip. He’s a nice guy for a tool. I know that sounds confusing but it’s true. He’s this kinda dumb well off preppy jock. Tell me again how I ended up being friends? With these people?

Maybe Todd’s new entry into this peer group will get him a girl.

Anyway…

We’re done here.

“C’mon Alex let’s let the girls have their time together we’ll catch them at school. Let’s go home.”

I lean up against Alex and he looks at me then smiles a little. “Home…?”

“Yeah home…bed…”

He kisses me still smiling and wraps his arms around me. You know this intersexed girl thing does have it’s great points. Like me being totally allowed to love the raw power of his awesome body, to just feel encased in his arms and safe. I’m allowed to love this completely guilt free.

Alex picks me up while still hugging me making me laugh all the way to the car.

It’s a fun drive home with us kissing at every light and stop sign getting honked at but I’m feeling him up through the jeans he’s got on.

We’re making out through the garage and up the stairs and into the bedroom. I break the kissing. “Get things ready here and I’ll get pretty…”

“You’re already beautiful Hunter….but sure.” He smiles all the way into his eyes while kissing me….to the dresser…and the vanity…then to the door of the bathroom…I’m getting hot and turned on by all the kissing. Oh and somehow in the process I got his shirt off.

I get into the bathroom and get cleaned up and ready for us to be intimate. It’s funny the things you get used to. And then there’s the thing that if I get the surgery and everything works out that I won’t have to do this.

I carefully pull the brace and bandages off my nose and I’m plenty bruised front the surgery and yet It’s far from the worst that I’ve had. I take my make-up and go over the worst of it. It doesn’t hurt that bad or maybe my pain tolerance is just too high? I cover up my black eyes with the whole smoky eye treatment then shimmy into a nylon teddy that looks like satin and some matching panties and stockings.

I “feel” my nipples awake as the fabric slides over them. I really didn’t know what I’d been feeling especially when Alex had been sucking on them and I take a minute and massage them and feel them more…I don’t know if it’s in my head but I am feeling them and even though I’m flat they seem a little puffy?

I wonder how I’ll feel on the hormones. I mean I sort of got them both but both are in low levels and balancing out or something. I guess from what they said my girl stuff is messed up and my guys stuff works enough to mostly offset it. It’s why I’m a girly guy or thought that I was.

I slip out into our bedroom and it’s still late afternoon and Alex has the lights off letting just the natural light in and he’s got the window open enough that…oh…okay he put up these light colored curtains and changed the sheets to match.

It’s like the whole world is painted by tones of blues and whites and grays with the way he has everything it’s so amazing…I really love this artistic side of him. And Alex…he’s like a god…I mean it I look over to him and he’s turning on the stereo and soft music starts to play from our stereo.

Tall, so tall and darkly tanned with that dark hair hanging loosely and his body just rippling with muscle and the scars that he has. I walk to him and touch those scars and run my hands over his scars and then the muscles…It’s amazing at hot much heat another person seems to give off.

Alex turns and kisses my by taking my chin into his hand and then his hands slide down and over my body and he pulls me close and into a dance, it’s a nice surprise dancing and him touching me and me touching him and stroking him to hardness before we end up on the bed together.

It hurts at first, not as bad as when we first were together but unless we’ve been together a lot and well we haven’t with me being in the hospital…so it’s a little bit of pain as I’m being stretched out…taken to my limit and filled until I “aah” then breath-catch and then moan. But it’s different this time, just the knowledge that I’m more or female than I had imagined beyond being.

I feel the thick head opening me up and then every hot searing blissful inch of him sinking into me. And like I said this is a huge difference in my head. It’s me being made love to letting this guy I’m in love with sinking himself into me and taking us away from everything that isn’t us.

It’s not really gay sex even if it’s kind of still gay sex. Cliff can’t touch this, this is just ours it’s outside of my past and I get to look up into the eyes of my future.

I call Alex’s name softly at first, then more louder reverently feverently insistently and Alex takes me there into that unknown fantasy island inside my soul I’d never been able to find on my own.

“Hunter, Hunter, god sweet Hunter…I love you…”

“Alex..god…ugh…Alex…more…deeper…take me….love me….please…don’t stop..Please!”

He takes more, get’s into that rhythm and place where he’s over me and kissing me sweet sweat falls between us and it’s love making and fucking both…he makes me cum hard and fast twice and he does too…the final time is my last time…and it’s that other one…the female one or close to it…that one that’s from Alex’s cock rubbing my girl stuff…from the other side through that wall…I think…I’ve been sort of reading up on it…It’s a different orgasm…not as strong really…but like a bloom of pleasure and heat…

I wonder it it’ll be different.

I snuggle into Alex and sleep I smile as he wraps me in his arms and rolls me over to the other side letting me be warm and dry as he takes the wet spot. It feels so good to be held as he pulls me close.

“I love you Hunter.”

“I love you too Alex.”

“It doesn’t matter you know.”

“What?”

“If you get that operation or not.”

“It does but I don’t know how much.”

“I’ll love you Hunter no matter what, this…after even if you shaved your head and painted yourself purple.”

(Snort.) “I’m not a fan of purple.”

“Good neither am I.”

I settle into sleep and feel myself relax and slip away with Alex holding back the black dogs that chase me down sometimes. It’s a great time and way to fall asleep too in his arms but with everything looking like this it’s like one of those French film spots with the pale light and flowing curtains where the girl is more beautiful than beautiful but snuggled sensually into the sheets sleeping.

Aside from the beautiful part that’s my right now.

Sometimes you think a lot into dreams.

Intergender?

Intersexed?

But aside from biology am I and have been raised as a boy. If you never looked under my skin you’d see a skinny femmy guy. I thought I was a guy. I was different and sort of a punky freak a “Manson” but still a guy.

So finding out that I’m intersexed when I had come to think of myself as being transgendered what does that make me?

Actually sort of like what Jennifer said.

I was always planning on being a girl. I needed to be a girl or as close to one as I can get. Yeah I mean all the platitudes about T-girls still being women my insides are still as messed up as theirs. Maybe more? That scares me, what might be screwed up inside.

I wake up and slip out of bed and I feel good, his deep ache inside of having Alex inside of me and it feels right as I get into Alex’s t-shirt and go to the fridge for a glass of juice….no…coffee. I relax against the counter and I smell the scent of Adam outside having his cigarette and I look out and watch him.

I make two coffee’s and pad barefoot down to meet him. I get the Adam look as I pass him a cup. “Thank You.” Another look, this one up and down. His eyes get tight.

“Hmmm?” I question as I sip my own.

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“I only had notice that you and my son had an encounter.”

“We love each other and live together Adam, sex is kind of implied.”

“Mmm-hm, of course.”

“This is about me coming home and not staying in the hospital to get fixed.”

“Not at all.”

“Bullshit Adam you just don’t want Alex to be gay.”

“Is he? Do you?”

“No…we don’t do that, he’s never went for it and I’ve never wanted to either.”

“So you’re the bottom.”

“Only when I’m not on top.”

“TMI Hunter.”

“Sorry, wait I’m not.”

“Funny…so…you’re not then you’re going to stay like this?”

“Everything works, it’s not medically necessary.”

“I though when you found out that you’d be wanting to get fixed?”

“So I’m broken?”

Adam looks at me and he takes another drink of his coffee and lights up another smoke. I was expecting him to be getting madder but he doesn’t look it, just contemplative and a lot like his son right then. They both smoulder sexily when they are in heavy thought…it’s there in the eyes.

“No.”

“So then what?”

“Hunter…you were heading that way anyway.”

“Maybe but this changes things.” Goddamn it I really want a smoke too.

“Hunter.”

“What?”

“You’re not going to.”

“I’m not going to what?”

“You’re not going to be like her.”

I hug myself and pace and try not to get teary…fuck, fuck, fuck…he had to go there and augh! He had to be right too. You think your trans and then fond of that you’re not but you’re supposed to be a girl, that you’re XX and a little more and you’d think that It’d be great news…like someone just said ‘here…this is the why of most of your life.’ but for me…for me it’s been.

Am I my Mother’s daughter?

Will I start being like her?

Will I turn out like her in time?

“I don’t want that…god I don’t want that Adam…I don’t want to be like her…but it’s that and my dad…my real dad…if I do this then what he’s passed on’s gone…”

“Bullshit…”

“Huh?”

“Bullshit…if he’s a good father he’d have gotten it. He’d be okay with it, with you starting over. You’re not going to be her Hunter, you’re too smart for that. You’re too strong for that. If you were going to fall into that you’d have already have.”

“Think so?”

“Yeah I do. And don’t worry about being broken. I like that you’re broken.”

“You do?”

“Yeah I do, Broken means you’ve been there, you’ve been tested hard.”

“Broken means I didn’t do so hot in those tests Adam.”

“So what, it means you’ve been tested…it means that you’ve also learned to pick yourself up and put things back together again.”

“Yeah and?”

“Yeah and It’s a huge thing. It means that you don’t give up. No ones so strong they won’t bend, or they won’t break Hunter it’d the ones in life that keep getting up that I trust, that I’ll cheer for…that I want in my corner, in my sons corner…in my family.”

I look at him and he looks at me and there’s just this no bullshit thing between us. We get each other in our own messed up ways.

“Tell April to make the call okay….”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes but that don’t mean I’m not scared to death y’know.”

“We’ll all be here Hunter.”

“Good you better…” I look him in the eyes. “Because I’m saying this right now…I’m not perfect, I’m not a strong as I think I am so…I need help…she might not have been able to ask you Adam but I’m asking now because I might need it…I might need all of you…”

He looks like I did when he brought up me and me being like mom…He looks like he needed me to say that and that he might cry…or lose it angry…oh fuck…he looks so much like Alex it hurts…that he hurts and he has no idea what to do with it or where to put that hurt.

I’m crying just seeing how much it’s hurting him and I step up and I pull him into a hug. He shakes, like a tremor through a high strung horse… “Alex…he…I…”

“I know…I’m not leaving either of you…I promise…I love you both too much for that.”

He doesn’t break down and bawl…he shakes and he holds me it should hurt…it would have hurt but well y’know….But it’s something…it’s him admitting to that hurt…and.

It’s Alex seeing it too…because he’s watching us together sitting in the open apartment door coffee between his feet and smiling as he’s wiping at his eyes.

I look at them both and Adam sort of stiffens up noticing his son watching.

“It’s going to be okay guys….I promise.”