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Sweet Dreams-33 The first cut is the Deepest.
Chapter 33
Okay…I guess to fill things in I had passed out because I had pushed things too hard and it sent my pressure into the danger zone and they had to get things under control and since the right doctors where there and stuff they said that they might as well go ahead and operate. Right after they had got me stable. I guess my nightmare had them worried about my pressure too.
Alex was just…he held me and he kept me safe after the freak out that I had and we stayed up and we watched movies for the rest of the night or until about five AM when I finally drifted off in his arms.
Oh I finally got to watch Lilo and Stitch…meh. The best thing about it was the fact that they weren’t white kids. And I watched Shrek for the first time and I laughed and I cried and I had Smashmouth playing in my head the whole day.
I wasn’t in serious danger it’s just they thought it was best.
I was humming All-Star all the way to the OR.
It was kind of funny.
And the stuff they konk you out with makes you a little bit happy before they do the thing with the valve and send you off to dreamland.
No nightmares in surgery.
And I’m even out of the hospital right now and feeling like garbage more or less after the surgery and they even fixed a lot of the damage to my nose with the various breaks that I’ve had over the years.
Still I feel like someone has hit me in the face with a tennis racket.
And yet I’m still here helping Jennifer move into her place.
Why?
………………………….and action!
Jen stops holding the box she was carrying inside at she stares at me. “So…what? You’re going to wait until all the tests come back right?”
I adjust the garbage bag I’m carrying. “Yes but I’m not just going to wait because of that I’m going to wait until I’m sure that I want to have the surgery in the first place.”
“What!?”
“I’m going to wait until I’m sure that it’s right for me.”
“Are you insane? You’re a girl, that whole double x thing. I mean you should be all excited and stuff.”
“Okay part of me is happy yeah there’s this part of me that really knew I was off and different and I didn’t know why, now I know why.”
“So…go and get fixed.”
“Who says I’m broken?” Okay, okay even I know that’s a loaded statement. I know I’m broken it’s just not what I meant.
“But…Hunter? Dammit that doesn’t make sense?”
I move around her and go inside because her stuff is heavy I set it down and she follows me in and stares at me like I’m losing it.
“Hunter, you’re a girl.”
“Jen-nifer…I know but I’m also intersexed and that means something to me too.”
“But…”
“If the doctors are right Jen then I don’t have the baby making stuff at all or if I do it’s messed up. They’re already pretty sure that my chicken and my McNuggets are all fine and in working order if not a bit on the smallish average size.”
“How big?”
“None, of your business.”
She pouts as we head back outside and Alex and some of the guys from the team pass us with her sofa. I head back to the moving truck and she and I and Cindy pass things out of the back of it to the guys.
“So you’re keeping it?”
“I said I’m going to think about it. I mean its part of me and…”
“And…?”
“And it works.”
“So…”
“Yeah when Alex and I make love it works…I get off and it works…I really don’t have any guarantees that that’s going to happen if I get the surgery done.”
“But that’s like you and Alex kind of being gay?”
“There’s nothing wrong with being gay Jen…or lesbian.”
“No…that’s not what I meant, hell honestly since we’re talking that I’m bi so it’s like no big deal.”
I look at Cindy who looks like someone gave her a thousand dollars then slapped her in the head with a fish. Yeah Jen it’s a big deal.
“Okay then what do you mean?”
“Adam, does he know that you’re going with the factory originals?”
“He does and I haven’t decided…but I’m not sure that he’s really happy about that either. Or the fact that I’m not going to let him pressure me.”
“So he’s stewing over you stewing over it and he’s not liking that his boy’s sleeping with a still kinda-sorta- boy.”
“And that’s why we’ve been hanging around and helping you the last couple of days.”
“Unpleasant?” Cindy asks.
I grin and take out some nicorette gum and chew, chew hold. I got some finally because honestly quitting smoking is hard…especially since I was one of those people that lived on coffee and smokes. But Alex was tired of kissing an ashtray so I quit. I sigh as it starts to take the edge off.
“You ever heard them say that silence speaks volumes?”
“Yes?”
“Uh-huh, well metallic’s been playing over at our place the last three days.”
“Threats?” Jen asked.
“Lots most of them from April for him to stay out of it.”
“So honestly do you have any idea what you’re going to do?”
“Wait think, try to weigh it out.”
“It’s the sex thing…you’re scared that it’s going to be messed up?”
“Hell yes and this works! I honestly don’t mind having Alex fuck me into bliss with him in my ass.”
And the guys and Alex are there for another load and they are staring at me and at him and Alex just takes my knit hat he always wears and pulls it down over his face completely and takes a box and heads back to apartment.
It takes a few more minutes to have the other guy’s clue in or to snap out of…
Oh Jesus they were just fantasizing about me…like that…it’s not an eeew thing it’s more of a dammit thing.
Cindy actually makes me laugh and my face hurt when she breaks the tension with this Homer Simpson like. “D’oh!”
The guys quickly retreat to do the whole why we brought the guys in the first place heavy lifting thing and we grab some bottle waters and sit on the back of the truck.
I sigh. “Yeah I’m really worried about the sex thing, what if it doesn’t work right?”
Cindy nods. “And what you have works.”
“Yeah…”
“I think you should go for it. I mean really hunter before you found all of this out you thought you were transgendered which pretty much meant you were going to head down this road anyway and I’ve heard that’s got no promises either.”
“Good point but still it’s a lot to think about.”
“I suppose…”
“Would you cut your breasts off?”
“No…beside’s I’ve not interest in going all Chaz.”
“Yeah well I had these parts as Billy and well…my real Dad he wasn’t a saint or anything but this is a real final way to cut that tie with him.”
“He’s dead…I don’t think he’ll mind Hunter.”
“I know it’s just getting the operation isn’t what I think that some people think it’s going to be and that’s Ooooh! You’re XX and a real girl! Your problems are over!”
Cindy nods. “That’s actually pretty true and a lot of people have no idea that it’s a big deal.”
“Yeah it is.” (Sniffle…ow…)
Jen hugs me and smiles. “C’mon you and Cindy can help me tell the guys where to put everything then we can move it around some more and see just how nuts we can drive them.”
“Huh so you do, do that on purpose.”
“Yes WE do, besides if we don’t then they get all over manly and pumped up by helping us do all the heaving lifting, we have to make it more of a chore to keep them from getting all “me-strong-look-me-lift-me-strong.” Thing they’ll get into.”
“C’mon that’s an unfair stereotype.”
Cindy snorts. “Doesn’t mean it’s not true Hunter have you ever been in a weight room?”
I have, and images come to mind and the fact that those muscle ripper guys aren’t allowed in most gyms. “Okay fair enough, I see your point.”
I know it’s not nice or fair to make fun of guys like that but I…we end up laughing as the guys are moving things and grunting and then they’re doing the head scratch trying to figure out a way to put things where they’d go best.
Okay.
Yeah, I’m such a girl really that it’s obvious even to me.
Still, scared shitless? Oh yeah.
……………………………………………I takes awhile but it get things done and I see Cindy head to Jen’s room and she stops by me first. “Can you just give me like a half an hour?”
“Sure…so this it?”
“Yeah…It’s like the best time to do this.”
She opens the bags she’s carrying and I have to put my hand over my mouth from the whole involuntary near squee that came out of me. “Go; go I’ll take care of Jen.”
Cindy takes off down the hall and I go over to Jennifer. “We gotta go get some stuff for the guys.”
“Huh?”
“Jen, when non rich folks have people over to help out it’s kind of the tradition to feed them and sort of throw a little something.”
“But…my check…I’m not like rolling in it Hunter.”
“You’re getting twelve hundred a month Jen, I think you’ll manage.”
“Yeah but that’s rent and heat and stuff plus my phone and my car and…”
“Not optional rich girl.”
She hangs her head and pouts. “Y’know Hunter being poor kinda sucks.”
“Yeah, yeah you’re suffering less whiney more walkie.”
It was interesting to see and show Jennifer how to actually look for and buy things on sale, and what generic meant and even getting just some cheap pop, chips and stuff to make hot dogs with it was still close to forty dollars.
She looked appalled at that like money has taken on a new reality for her. I’d almost revel in the whole thing but Jen’s my friend and this is really a shock to her system and it’s going to take baby steps.
We actually start to have a pretty good time and I see Cindy come over to Jen.
“Hey…can we go to your room?”
“Okay…sure…?”
I see her lead Jen away and I lean on Alex and smile.
“You seem happy.”
“Yeah Cindy’s going to tell Jen.”
“Tell her what?”
“Wait for it.”
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Comments
BAILEYYYYYYYYYYYYY grrr grmbl
BAILEYYYYYYYYYYYYY grrr grmbl aaaarrggggh ->clifhanger from hell
But for the rest up to par :p
LOL Thanks Lynne
You really are awesome.
*Big Hugs*
More soon.
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
for a bright boy
Alex can be dim too.
so "I look at Cindy who looks like someone gave her a thousand dollars then slapped her in the head with a fish"
now we see if she can make sushi out of it.
good chapter, thanks
Cindy had no clue the girl that she was in love with was Bi.
And Alex can be a bit...well he's a guy and even the brightest guy's got a dimmerswitch.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I just love that one Bailey!
Mind if I use it sometime in RL?
Talk about hypocritical.
Talk about hypocritical. *rolls eyes* Jen can be so casual about being bisexual but at the thought of Alex being gay she has a freak out. oy.
Surgery is scary and Hunter is the happiest she's ever been, so I can see why she has decided to think about things a bit first. If she does decide to go ahead with the surgery she prolly has an unintended piece of leverage over Adam as a result of her pause because it would be giving him what he wants (Alex to not be - in Adam's eyes - gay).
Fingers crossed for Jen and Cindy!
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I *totally* understand where
I *totally* understand where Hunter is coming from. My "bits" work well enough given my age. Plus, there are some things I enjoy doing with them that I can't do with the other sort of bits.
So, for *me*, if I got to make free changes to my bod, they'd mostly get left alone.
And I understand that I'm far from the only male-bodied TG person who wouldn't want to go all the way.
Now if we were talking *magic*, I've already plotted out the way I'd set up to have *both* sets. :-)
Brooke brooke at shadowgard dot com
http://brooke.shadowgard.com/
Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
"Lola", the Kinks
We're all different
I wasn't in any way seeking to suggest it was the only option for Hunter to have the surgery even if it was my assumption she would have surgery after thinking it through. Everyone is different and we all view these things from our own perspective. I personally couldn't wait for the knife even though the thought of surgery absolutely terrified me but that's me.
*hug*
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
To be honest Hunter will likely get the surgery
simply because she was headed there anyway when she thought she was transgendered. Her XX is how she should have been born anyway and she see's it as fixing what should've been caught earlier in her life. It just she has lived all her life with her current situation ad then there's her mental stuff to get through.
*Hugs for both of you*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Each one of us is different.
Fighting my way through life living as a man and knowing that something was very wrong was abominably hard. The sense of wrongness was overpowering at times. So, I recently found out that I am XY Androgen intolerant but not to the extent that some are. The Doc even told me upon looking at the test results that life must have been really hard.
I'd started living as a woman years ago, but in one afternoon, I went from being transgendered to being intersexed. Suddenly for me, everything snapped into place. It was empowering and amazingly people who had been detractors before were suddenly at ease with me.
Gwendolyn
It's the differences that make it real.
And for you not knowing was hell but with Hunter she had just been through hell for the normal depravity of Cliff being Cliff. She's found out pretty early her status and now she has these decisions to make. I'm just sort of saying Hunters taking the advice you give out so much yourself.
Be sure before you do anything.
*Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
The uncertainty of it all.
Yes and I am still very conflicted by what happened. It is tough and I have lots of compassion for anyone who has to figure it out.
I still have an internal argument with myself about how I should have proceeded. I don't mention it to friends any more because they all say that it was a life saver for me to become a woman. That is counterbalanced by the pain of the losses along the way. Mostly nowdays I try to keep too busy to think of it.
oh! I'm not the only one who's had that thought?
Now if we were talking *magic*, . . . .
Now if we're talking magic...
Any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic. Like a functioning MAU?
*grin*
Glad you found this series. Isn't it awesomely good?
Lisa
Jen was way more upset over Alex choosing a boy over her
at the time way more than Alex maybe being gay. Hunter is scared of the surgery and those nightmares and what if stuff goes wrong. She actually hasn't thought of the leverage Idea with Adam yet.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I like
how you included her decision to wait before having the final surgery. From what I've read more than a few intersexed feels that way. I think in the end she will decide to go though with it, but it will be her decision, not Adam's
Great story Bailey that touches on a lot of very real issues.
hugs
Grover
I wanted Hunter's take on this that being intersexed isn't...
some majik wand that has the whole POOF! and you've always bee a girl and now you get things fixed and you'll be instantly happy!
There's too many people that are like Hunter but in other stories where it just fixes things right up.
Frankly that's kind of insulting to interexed people in my book. Hunter's taking it really seriously even if she'll likely go for it. That nightmare scared the hell out of her.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
“Wait for it.â€
I cant wait. do the next chapter, right away!
Soon Honey, soon:)
Great Big Angel Hugs.
Bailey...A Proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
Ow, my heart (and other parts)
I loved the girls having a discussion of Hunter's genitalia and whether she should feel SRS is necessary and a no-brainer or a serious and sober decision to make with pluses and minuses to consider...
Especially when the boys overheard Hunter's proclamation of love for Alex's penis in her bum... Hahah... I almost fell off my chair laughing. Especially with Alex's reaction (pulling hat down over his face, grabbing next box)...
She probably will get it. But it's smart to think it over, make sure it's what you want. Some decide they don't.
Yay! Cindy's finally gonna make her move.
Angel Lees
Bailey's Angels
It's really only smart to think it through.
The biggest factor is her past and not even Cliff but her real dad...Hunter figures he and her mom had no idea so this would be really putting those last nails in Will Jr.s coffin. I liked that whole scene too especially Alex's reaction.
*Great Big Angel Hugs!*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I'm Trying To Figure This Out
I have this feeling that you are cock centered, Bailey, so your feelings, going into your characters, makes them more likely, than I would think is common for gender dysphoric M2Fs, to want to keep their cocks. (I haven't read any surveys/studies on this issue). However, Hunter is intersexed and I don't know what intersex people think.
I have a general idea that an XY intersex is one feminized since in the womb and would be likely to have a womyn's brain, just like M2Fs. OTOH, an XX intersex has been masculinized since in the womb and wouldn't necessarily have a guys brain, but would be likely to be more butch and maybe lesbian and maybe F2M. I'm thinking here of chronic adrenal hyperplasia, where the overactive adrenal gland produces more androgens than in an average female fetus. Hunter might feel a little more like a gay male along with knowing she is a womyn.
LGBT people and TG's, in general, might have fear of losing sensation in GRS, but I transitioned with, before and after TSs whose goal was GRS. I, in particular, already had womyn's orgasms with no stimulation of boy junk, so I was sure I would still be orgasmic post-op. Also my womyn's orgasms were much, much stronger than any guy ejaculation I'd ever had, so I knew I was not saving anything important. I also wanted very much to be recognized and treated as the womyn I was in all settings. I can get nude in wimyn's showers and changing areas. If I were sick, beaten or unconscious I would be found to be female by all who looked. I felt that I was not completely (as possible) changed until I could do this. I wanted to be pre-op, not allowed to use wimyns or mens rooms at work, not considered female everywhere in the US and many other places, for as short a time as possible. My life was at least partly on hold until I had my op. I was a womyn and just wanted to be like almost all other wimyn.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Uhm not really Renee...? Hunter as a character has a lot of
issues with her getting the surgery to correct what's there. It's so much less about the hormones and stuff. It's even not really about the sex and stuff honey she's been through some serious shit. She's had nightmares of what Cliff'd done if she was a GG in real life. Then there's her killing off her fathers son so to speak by doing this, yes the man's dead but still there's the guilt there. And there's the surgery stuff too. Her guy stuff works, and there's no cancer so medically it's not nessisary as far as she knows.
And My other characters...Jenna's in process, Sam is done and healing, Charlie is FTM, Kayla is in her RLT band doesn't want sex until she is post op. The only major ones are Jamie who is a confirmed lady-boi type but more like a rei-rei and Haley who's still on the fence about it and kind of has a more brazillian attitude towards it all.
There are tons of types of transgedered out there and the North-American trope is very limiting in who it encompasses. There are east pacific culture that recognize seven different genders.
I'm Not Cock Centered Honey.
Hunter's just Really thinking about something really big.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Guys can be so clueless at
Guys can be so clueless at times lol, its good to see Cindy might yet have a chance with Jen now its known Jen's bi. Great chapter looking forward to more.
Big hugs
Lizzie :-)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
Oh yeah...Alex so totally missed all the Cindy/Jen signs.
Kinda bad seeing as he's known them for years and years.
Hopefully I'll have this out soon.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Forever Your Bailey.
Bailey Summers
General Responce:
I would say all choices are valid, it is what ever feels right to you.
What will hunter choose I guess we'll have to wait and see. Lets just all who love her support her no matter her choice.
And I wish that with all my heart for each everyone out there.
XXL really changes the picture
Now that Hunter has found out she IS a girl her entire picture has changed. And this news leaves Hunter with some decisions to make, based on what else she hears from the doctors.
Hormones, her are low so will the docs want to put her on hormones to help her body reflect more to her gender? Will the docs recommend surgery other than what they have already performed?
Hunter has fears, fears of what she'll lose if she has more surgery. But would more surgeries be best for her overall quality of life, making it easier for others to accept Hunter the girl than Hunter the girl who looks different? Allowing herself to become more feminine in appearance would not attract as much attention, or attacks, as not doing anything.
Still, any other physical changes are going to be her decision regardless what others believe she should do.
So, will Jen freak out again when Cindy professes her love for Jen? Or will she wake up and realize she has feelings for Cindy as well?
Others have feelings too.
Wait for it
sums up a lot of life I think