Easy As Falling Off A Bike.

you know the rest.

I sat in my little car, which thankfully had over half a tank of fuel left and pressed the sat nav, it would take about an hour to get home and I could make some soup but bread would be a problem, no time for the dough to rise or prove. Oh well, Daddy would have to compromise, I'd take him some potato instead.

I drove following the directions of the machine, having enough to do with coping in controlling the car and watching traffic, with all that was buzzing around my brain. I had met a woman who was as close to an angel as I was ever likely to meet. I felt truly blessed to have met her and to have her email address too. She insisted I told her I'd got home safe. How sweet of her.

I hadn't resolved my issues with religion or God, but I had released enough steam to be able to function for months without needing to worry about it. I was no longer angry with the universe, well for a week or two. Hell that's all part of having a personalised God, so you can complain everytime he lets you down, far better than blaming yourself.

I chuckled to myself as I drove, the idiocy of it all. If we didn't have emotions we wouldn't have problems, we have the brain capacity to solve any problem except one, dealing with emotional issues. That is what fucks us up but is also the small element which makes us human otherwise we'd all be like Mr Spock. Presumably, there'd be no gender problems, because that's all emotional stuff anyway. Maybe things would be better that way.

I drove a few miles exploring this in my mind and then suddenly stopped causing a large van behind me to do an emergency stop and swerve around me, "Stupid bitch," was the epithet with which he passed. I was glad I didn't live in a Spockian world because I actually enjoyed being a woman,even a 'stupid' one yeah I liked it. No I didn't I loved it.

I pulled into a layby and got out of the car and stood there and yelled as loud as I could, " I love being a woman." From a field nearby a cow added something of an addendum, but I don't understand low English. I then started to giggle uncontrollably at my own joke and wet myself.

It is not a nice aspect of being female having wet stuff running down ones thighs, I snatched a handful of tissues, locked the car after grabbing my handbag and nipped into a field, returning bare legged and knickerless. I would have to stop thinking funny things or go for a pee first.

I got home, in the shower, then after dressing made some quick soup for Dad, potato and ham. Only took an hour and I had some for my lunch too. Then a quick makeup job and I was off to the hospital. I was a bit late through the traffic and he was sitting hunched up in his chair looking at a magazine upside down.

A cold shiver went through my whole body, did this mean he could no longer read? I would have to check it out, but surrepticiously. How bad could that be to an intelligent man? It would remove about half my life, it would be like a form of blindness. It was too painful to contemplate.

"Hi Daddy, sorry I'm late, the traffic was awful." That wasn't the word that had originally sprung to mind but I was trying to moderate my language a little, women don't usually swear as much as men, or this one wasn't going to anymore.

His face lit up then imediately closed down again. Was he ill or going to make things difficult? I would try and keep my cool as long as I could, then kill him in cold blood! The b....lessings of the universe be upon you. Shi....ne a light!

"I've made you some fresh soup, I hope you like it." I poured some from the flask into the bowl I'd brought. I tied a napkin around his neck and tucked it under his arms to cover most of his chest. I dipped the spoon in the soup and loaded it, then moved it towards his mouth. He moved his head and nearly got an earful, of soup, that is.

"Do you not want this?" I pointed at the dish and looked at him, he glowered back at me. Oh boy, I counted to ten. "Are you not hungry?"
The reply was a silent glowering.

"Okay," do want me to read to you or make you a drink?" He glowered some more.

"Excuse me Daddy, I'll be back in a moment." I rose and walked to the nurses office and found the same nurse I'd spoken with the day before.

"He won't have his soup."

"No he wouldn't take anything today. Usually he has a cuppa for breakfast or a small drink of juice, he wouldn't even take his medication. He wouldn't take his epilim."

"Does he fit?"

"Has done, usually the epilim controls it."

"Oh sh....oot!"

"How are you today, you look tired but better."

"Yeah, I'll tell you about it one day. What're we going to do with him?"

" I don't know, I suspect he heard all or part of our conversation."

"Oh fuck! Shit I am sorry, I'm trying not to swear so much." I blushed like a belisha beacon.

The nurse chuckled, "Don't worry, you're not the only one who has felt like swearing at him today."

"So is he just being uncooperative, or is he on hunger strike?"

"We thought the former, nobody thought of the latter. Oh dear, would he?"

"I couldn't say for sure now, since he is so changed, but before all this happened, yes quite easily. He probably would starve you into submission rather than himself, now I don't know. There's barely enough to keep him going as he is. I think he's decided to kill himself."

"Gosh, I'll have to get the psychiatrist into assess him."

"That might be difficult if all he does is glower."

There was the sound of a crash and we both rushed out. The soup and the flask were lying on the floor together with bits of broken china. The nurse immediately went to get something to clear it up, I picked up the flask and shook it, the glass liner was broken.

"Thanks Dad, Mum gave me that when I was in school." I scowled at him, he didn't react at all.

"He done it on purposel," called a man from the other side of the ward, "He kicked it arff."

"Are you sure?"

"Ohyez, I seen him."

"Thanks." I began clearing up the bits of glass while trying to avoid getting my skirt in the mess.

The nurse came back with a cleaner and bin. I left them to sort it out standing with my arms folded scowling at him, the bastard!

As soon as they were gone I spoke very quietly to him, "You miserable old bugger, so you're going to die are you? Fine that suits me, I'll go and clear out your bank account now before the bloody church gets all your money, because I doubt you left it to me. But before you do, if you have plans of joining my mother, don't bother. Suicides go straight to hell, remember."

A look of alarm spread over his face and his dribbling increased, tears also began to fall slowly from his eyes.

I stood watching him, part of me wanted to slap him or abuse him part of me was crying inside. I had just cruelly taken away his only form of rebellion and I wasn't entirely sure of my motives. Was it to save him or punish him? I couldn't honestly tell. I thought I should feel angry but I didn't. Instead I felt a void, an emptiness that was even more worrying.

He looked up at me, "Sozzy Affy."

I looked at him and deciphered what he had said. "Okay, I accept your apology. You spoiled your own treat, all I have is some potato cakes, will you eat some of those with a bit of butter?"

" 'Ess."

I bent over and put my arms around his neck, there was a momentary expression of fear, then I moved my hands and hugged him. "You stupid old fool, you worry me to death, do you know that?"

"Ess," he said.

"Please don't test me again Daddy, I'm not strong enough to pass it again and you'll lose me forever. It isn't a threat it's a promise. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Ess," he began to weep more heavily.

"Sozzy Affy."

"Okay, I accept your apology, this time." I walked away to get some butter and a plate.

He ate both the potato cakes which I warmed in the microwave.

" Ov-ee."

"Lovely?" I asked and he nodded. "Good were they?"

" Ood," he said and I smiled.

"Okay you old buzzard, I'll drop some food in tomorrow. I can't stop I have to go to Portsmouth to look after Simon. He was hurt a week or so ago and has only just come home from hospital."

His face immediately fell, and tear dripped from his eyes.

"I'm sorry Daddy, but I have two of you to look after plus my course is getting more demanding. I'm only going to be able to get up here a couple of days a week at best. I am sorry but I can't do everything."

He looked so helpless. My heart nearly stopped with guilt, yet an hour before I'd have happily strangled him. He was still pulling my strings, even now.