This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol is too pretty to be a boy and doesn't really want to be a girl. So he has decided to be an, “IT” But will Carol's life really change? Chris W.

“OH GOD! How can you be so cruel, as to let an innocent child suffer so?”

Nurse Pat retied my wrists, refastened my restraining vest, and made sure I was as comfortable as I could be considering. She sat me up, and then brought over a big carryall bag she had in the corner. She smiled at me and said.

“I think it’s time to do something with that mop you call a head of hair Carol.”

I giggled and said.

“Mommy always trims it, but somehow it’s gotten longer, and longer. I think she likes me in longer hair, she says I look like a misfit toy with shorter boy cut hair. Sister Anne let’s her get a way with it and the other boys are mad at me. The girls like it though, but they all think I’m a girl now anyway. They don’t know I’m an IT. If I don’t get to die this time, I’ll have to tell them I’m an IT so they will be happy.”

She started brushing my hair with this funny brush that has these little balls on the ends of the bristles. She started brushing from the bottom, working out all the snarls and knots. While she brushed, she asked me.

“Carol why would your classmates be happy to know you’re an IT and not a little boy?”

I giggled again, grown ups can be funny when they don’t understand simple things. They’re supposed to know everything aren’t they? I said.

“Because Nurse Pat, if I’m not a girl, and I’m not a boy, I can follow any of the rules set for both. They can’t be mad or angry with me anymore because I’m not getting away with breaking the rules!”

I giggled and she laughed and said.

“Oh Carol that’s perfectly logical, I should have thought of that!”

Then she said something that got me thinking, she said.

“If you’re not a boy, and you’re not a girl, you can be either on the outside and no one can say anything bad about it right Carol?”

I had to stop and think about that one for a minute. She kept brushing my hair, now that it was free of the knots, and snarls, it felt very nice.

I said.

“Now that I’m an IT, I guess you’re right Nurse Pat. You know, everyone always thinks I’m little baby girl at first. A lot of grown ups call me Angel, or their Little Angel, Mommy and Patty call me ‘My little Angel,’ um, maybe if I don’t die this time, I should just stay dressed as a little girl. I think that would make everybody happier if I did. Daddy would be happier because he wouldn’t have to listen to everyone telling him he should be buying me boy’s clothes. He doesn’t like to buy me anything because I cost him to much money all ready.

“You know Nurse Pat, I told him not to get me any birthday or Christmas presents because I cost him too much money as it is. I even told my grandma’s and grandpa’s not too, but they still do. My mommy’s mother, that’s my grandma got me socks and underwear; my mommy’s daddy, that’s my grandpa got me boy’s pants and shirts. That made daddy mad for some reason. His mommy and daddy get me girl’s underwear and new dresses. That always made me mad, but daddy was happy. He all ways says I look like my mommy did when she was little. I saw pictures and we do! She wasn’t as little as I am, but we look almost like twins!

“I stay little because I had lymph something when I was just a baby, that’s cancer. I died then and even stayed dead for a while, but Elohim sent me back here because I was broked and couldn’t be fixded. He doesn’t want broked kids in Heaven; they all have to be perfect like He is.

“I scared the nurses real bad when I sat up, and they scared me when the screamed looking at me. I thought I came back as a little monster. I didn’t though, I came back just like I was before as an IT. I didn’t know I was an IT, I just really found that out. The nurses told me in that other place in your hospital. That’s a bad place you know Nurse Pat! You have to be all alone and no one comes to visit you and know one will talk to you or listens to you at all! They just coo to you like you’re a baby, and tell you what you have to do. If you try and say something, they get mad at you.

“Nurse Pat, maybe I should dress like a baby girl now instead of a baby boy. That will make everybody happy you know. I can keep my hair long like mommy wants it and the boys won’t get mad because I’ll be dressed like a girl. Daddy will be happy because he doesn’t have to buy me any clothes. His mommy and daddy will be happy because that’s all they ever get me. Um, but I can still be a boy when I go over to my grandma and grandpa’s house with mommy and Patty.”

Nurse Pat stopped brushing my hair and asked me some questions, she asked.

“Carol, your daddy’s mommy and daddy are your grandparent’s too you know. What about you Carol, I thought you didn’t want to dress as a little girl?”

I giggled because she asks some funny questions as if she really didn’t understand what I had just said. I answered her by saying.

“Nurse Pat, I didn’t know I was an IT then, GEEZE! That makes all the difference in the world you know. An IT can be either and it’s okay. Um, my daddy’s mommy and daddy don’t like me to call them grandpa and grandma. I have to call them Mr. and Mrs. Whitney. I can call grandma ma’am, and grandpa sir, but never grandma or grandpa, they made me promise them, and you can never break a promise! They take me shopping sometimes, Mrs. Whitney takes me on what she calls panty-shopping trips, and Mr. Whitney takes me to Mrs. Spencer’s dress shop and leaves me with her for an hour or two.

“Mrs. Spencer makes me try on all these dresses and poofy short slips that show my frilly panties Mrs. Whitney bought me. I can’t bend over or even lift my arms a little bit or my panties will show. Mrs. Spencer and Mrs. Whitney say they’re supposed to do that. Little girls like to show off their frillies. I tried to tell them I’m not a little girl, but Mrs. Whitney told me that even sissies like to show off their frillies. I don’t know what a sissy is, but they always call me Missy and not Carol or Angel.

“They’ll be happy now that I’m an IT. I can wear those dresses and frilly panties without feeling bad. I always felt bad wearing them and mommy only made me wear them when we went to the Whitney’s house with daddy. Mommy never goes because she’s real mad at them. Now mommy can go because I can wear them and it won’t make me feel bad anymore.

“See Nurse Pat, if I dress as a baby girl, everyone will be happy! I just have to dress as a boy at grandma and grandpa’s house or they might get mad. We go there every Thanksgiving and meet all of mommy’s brothers and sister’s and their kids. Their kids are my cousins.

“Maybe if I have mommy talk to them I can wear dresses over there and her sisters and brothers and even my cousins will like me better. They’re always saying I’m too pretty to be a boy and should be wearing pretty clothes not boys clothes. I used to get mad and just stay all by myself away from everybody, but if I wore dresses, then I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.”

I started thinking, I looked up, and Nurse Pat was crying again, GEEZE! What did I say this time? I said.

“Nurse Pat, why are you crying? Did I make you sad again? I’m sorry, I can’t do anything right or make anyone happy. I think it’s because I’m an IT, and that’s all an IT can do. I would be better off just dying you know Nurse Pat. Could you help me die and go to the kid’s dump so Elohim can make a good kid out of my ashes? I’m useless anyway, you know. I just make people sad or mad, no matter what I say or do.

“I can do stuff so they can be happy and smile for a little while, but then they always get mad or sad after that. I try so hard at home to do extra stuff to help, but Dianna and Jimmy don’t care. I clean their rooms for them so they can go out and play, and they do, but Dianna usually just yells at me for going in her room. Jimmy just tells me when he needs his room clean and that’s usually after mommy has hollered at him.

“Patty is the only one that likes me at home, well, mommy does too. I like helping them because they are happy and stay happy, but everyone else doesn’t. I tried to help daddy, but that didn’t work out very well. He came home from his bowling league and was hopping mad!

“You see Nurse Pat, I had cleaned his bowling bag, polished his bowling ball and his bowling shoes. He was surprised and happy at first, but when he came home, I heard him tell mommy that I had jinxed him. He said he had the shiniest bowling bag, ball, and shoes, but he stunk bowling that night. He said it was my fault for touching his stuff. I was nothing but bad luck all around.

“Mommy got real mad and that made him apologize, but the next morning he made me promise never to touch anything he owned again or I’d get a spanking. I can’t do anything right for them three Nurse Pat, I try so hard, but it never works making them happy. They get mad over anything I do for them, so I can’t, but I still try.”

I look up and she’s still crying, GEEZE! She says, after taking a drink or water.

“Sweetheart, I think they get mad because you have something they don’t have and it makes them jealous. What that is, is a pure and giving heart? Some people just like to think of themselves, what they want. They don’t think about what others need or want. If they do, they also think about what they can get in return for what they do for others. You don’t think like that at all Angel.”

I giggled because this is the first time she called me Angel. She looked at me kind off surprised so I said.

“Nurse Pat, I giggled because you called me Angel. That always makes me giggle you know. I can’t be an Angel; angel’s live in Heaven with Elohim. I can’t go to Heaven because I’m broked, useless and can’t be fixeded. I don’t have a soul but I do have a heart. I’m glad now that I know I’m an IT. I can make others happy now and don’t have to get mad anymore when I have to dress as a little girl or a baby girl.”

Nurse Pat smiles at me and says.

“Carol your sister Dianna was wrong and is wrong Sweetheart. God does love you and He wants you to go to Heaven and be with Him, just not yet. He has more He wants you to do for Him. That’s why He sent you back that time, not that you were broke and you aren’t useless Honey. You think about that for a minute or two okay Carol. I just have to make a call and I’ll be right back and we’ll talk some more. I love talking with you, my own little chatter box!”

She gave me a hug and a kiss! I felt good and I smiled real big then. She gave me a big hug as she wiped her tears away. I just don’t get why I make people cry so much. She’s wrong though, I know Elohim doesn’t want me. He sent me back twice now! That first time when I had cancer, and just a little while ago, GEEZE, was that today, yesterday or a few days ago?

Nurse Pat was whispering over the phone in my room, and I couldn’t make out what she was saying, I found out later, so I can fill you in now so it makes sense to you.

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol decides to make everyone happy. Chris W.

Part 7

Nurse Pat was whispering over the phone in my room, and I couldn’t make out what she was saying, I found out later, so I can fill you in now so it makes sense to you...

“Cindy, its Pat, and I have to fill you in. You have your phone recorder on. Okay, I’ve just had the most revealing conversation with Carol and you have to hear this before you make any decisions on gender issues okay. No, I did what you asked and I recorded everything. I have the second recorder going now, but you have to hear this, but I’m in Carol’s room still. My relief won’t be coming for another few hours. Okay, I’ll wait until she gets here and then I’ll call you back from the nurse’s station and play it for you. Okay, yes I will Cindy, Bye.”

Nurse Pat came back, sat next to my bed again, and said.

“Carol, are you sure you want to dress and look even more like a little girl now?”

I giggled and said.

“I can’t look like a little girl while I’m in diapers and rubber pants Nurse Pat, GEEZE. I’ll look like a baby girl, but yes, it will make everyone happy and I’ll be glad then. My head and tummy don’t hurt when people are happy. They hurt all the time when people are mad or sad because of me.”

She looked surprised again and asked.

“Honey, does your tummy and head hurt now?”

I giggled and said.

“I’m used to it Nurse Pat, don’t worry. My head hurts all the time and my tummy too. I’m not supposed to say anything because I promised daddy I wouldn’t. Mommy always goes out and gets me baby aspirin that tastes good and you chew it. She gets me this stuff you drink for my tummy, but that tastes yucky. I always drink the yucky stuff before I chew the good tasting stuff. Daddy got mad at me because he said we couldn’t afford that stuff, so I don’t tell mommy about it anymore. Really, I’m used to it now. It’s just when it gets real bad and then I cry and mommy knows. I don’t know how she does that, but she knows, and goes and buys me that stuff again. I have to tell daddy I didn’t say anything, but I don’t think he believed me until mommy told him about it. He believes me now!”

I giggled again because she smiled with that funny look with scrunched up eyes grownups get when they’re thinking and smiling at the same time.

Another nurse walks in and Nurse Pat tells me she’ll be back in a little while, she has to take a little break, and she’ll come back with a surprise for me. She gives me a hug and another kiss! I giggle and she leaves after she introduces me to the new nurse, Nurse Holly.

Nurse Holly is a big nurse, I mean, big in she likes to eat big. She laughs and giggles a lot and she gets me giggling a lot too. She’s funny and has a million funny jokes. She told me this one, she said.

“Why does the wise old owl always ask you, who, who?”

I giggled and said.

“My owl doesn’t ask who, she says hello.”

Nurse Holly then looked at me surprised and asked.

“You have a pet owl Sweetie?”

I giggled again and said.

“No silly, owls aren’t pets; they’re wild and free birds! I have animal and bird friends that visit me and keep me company. There’s the robin, the cardinal, two blue jays, a raven, the owl that scares mommy, but I let her meet her and she isn’t as afraid of her now. Um, I have three squirrel friends, and Smoky the horse that lives across the street through the woods. They’re all my friends and they make me happy. I don’t have any kid friends, just my eldest sister and a few grown ups. Mommy of course, oh yeah, Auntie Harriett, Mrs. Cosgrove, and her daughter Samantha, Sister Anne and Father Kowalski, oh, and Mrs. Jenks, she’s so cool! I love to sing and that’s what she teaches, singing. I don’t see her anymore though.”

I start to cry thinking about Mrs. Jenks, I miss her lots, and lots because I do love to sing and the rotten kids and some of the girls in the choir’s parents spoiled that for me.

Nurse Holly surprised me by untying my wrists and my vest restraint, picked me up and set me on her lap, hugging me close and kissing the top of my head, as she said.

“Sweetie, Tell Holly what’s got you crying. I want to know, maybe we can fix it, and maybe not, but it always helps talking about things.”

She gave me a sip of water, dried my tears and then I said.

“My bestest, bestest thing I love to do is sing. I can sing real good, and I’m not fibbing, everyone says I sing like an angel sent from Heaven, but that’s just silly. I love to sing though and used to sing all the time, but then it made a bunch of people mad so I stopped singing so they could be happy again and I guess they are because they aren’t mad anymore.

I can sing in church and that’s all I can do with other people, but my animal and bird friends love to hear me sing to them and they sing back, even Smoky the horse. Mrs. Tingly, she owns Smoky laughs and laughs when Smoky tries to sing with me. He doesn’t sing very well, but he tries real hard! (Nurse Holly starts giggling here and that starts me giggling. We giggle for a while and then we stop so I can continue.)

“Mrs. Jenks was one of my bestest, bestest friends in the whole wide world until she had me sing the soloists part for the Christmas High Mass at church. It was late at night, midnight! I was dressed in a special choir gown and she even made my hair look pretty and even made me wear makeup! I didn’t like that too much because I thought I was a boy back then. (Nurse Holly gives me that scrunched up look and I know she’s thinking, and she wanted to say something or ask me something, but she didn’t so I continued.)

“Well, when I sing I sound like a girl I guess, that’s what all the kids say anyway. Mrs. Jenks always had me stand with the girls when we sang. This time I had to step out from them and stand right in front with this big light on me as I sang the special Christmas song and the others sang the chorus. That’s when Mrs. Leander got real mad, and on Christmas too! Well, her daughter Penelope, she always calls her that, but she likes to be called Penny. Anyway, Penelope is the girl soloist for the choir, but Mrs. Jenks wanted me to sing that special Christmas song because she said I sang with all my heart and everyone can feel it when I sing. Penelope sings real good, but she’s a stinker and lets everyone of us know she’s the best and we’d better not ruin any of her songs.

“Anyway, when I got to sing that song, they were both super mad! That was my most bestest night I’ve ever had singing too! I sang my silent prayer; I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and went to my special place in my heart. I joined with the music and started singing. It was so wonderful Nurse Holly! I opened my eyes and all the pretty colors were going everywhere, and the music was floating and I was part of it! I sang with all my heart to everyone in the whole wide world! I wanted them to feel the joy and happiness I was feeling through the song I was singing! When the song ended I started to step back, and everything was super quiet. Then, everyone started to stand and clap! Father Kowalski even said over the microphone that an angel was sent from Heaven to sing them the song of promise!

“Mrs. Jenks walked over to me before I could step back. I was startled by all those people standing and clapping and just stood there. She took my hand and made me walk right up and into that, big light again as the people stood and clapped. I was so embarrassed. Penelope was spitting mad! Her mommy was red as a fire truck, but because she was mad, and not because she was embarrassed like I was.

“Well, I got to step back in with the girls again and that’s when it happened. We were holding these long white and red candles. Penelope was walking down the row of girls lighting them because hers was all ready lit. When she got to me, she blew out her candle and then hit me right on the head with it as hard as she could. I got knocked out! I woke up at the hospital and needed stitches in my head. Daddy was hopping mad! Even at church, I ended up costing him money. Mommy was crying, Patty was crying, Mrs. Jenks was crying. My bestest ever singing time was ruined and no one was happy anymore.

“You see Nurse Holly; I had to stop singing right then and there. Penelope and her mommy got in a lot of trouble for a while after that, but Penelope is still the girl’s soloist for the choir. I had to stay a way from them so I quit the choir. Mrs. Jenks wasn’t happy about it, but she knew it was the best thing to do to keep everyone else happy. I haven’t sung a song for anyone ever since that night, just to my animal and bird friends. Oh yeah, I still sing my prayers, but real softly so I don’t bother anyone else. Oh yeah, I do make one person happy when I sing, and that’s because Smoky tries to sing with me and that makes Mrs. Tingly laugh and laugh!

“It’s not the same though, not like when I used to sing and be part of all the pretty colors and giving everything my heart and joy. It’s like I am part of everything Elohim has made and I feel like I am part of everything and I can give something good back to everything and everyone when I sing, but that’s not true. The people always get mad afterwards, it’s like I’m not a real kid at all, I’m a fake, I’m an IT. IT kids aren’t supposed to be in front or special, they’re supposed to stay in the back and out of the way.

“Nurse Holly, I’m not a girl and I’m not a boy, I’m an IT. Because I’m an IT I can be either a girl or a boy and I’ve decided to dress as a girl because that will make everyone happy. They don’t know I’m an IT, but they all think I’m a little girl when they meet me. When I tell them I’m a boy, they laugh or even get mad! My daddy made me promise never to say that again. I’m not to say I’m a boy. He’s right though, I’m an IT, he was right about that too, even though I didn’t know it until the nurses down stairs in that bad room I was in told me.”

I was softly crying again, I do so miss singing. My heart hurts whenever I think about that. Nurse Holly hugs me, kisses the top of my head again, and says.

“Carol you like to sing, but just not in front of people now. You know I would love to hear that song you sang at church for Christmas. Would you pretty please sing it for me?”

“Um, but I can’t sing it like I have to Nurse Holly. I’m in a hospital and you can’t talk or sing with your whole heart in a hospital. You have to be quiet!”

Nurse Holly chuckles and says.

“This is a special place in the hospital Carol. You can be as loud as you need to be and no one will get mad or tell you to be quiet. Please, pretty please, sing that song for me?”

To be continued…