Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Eight
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol sings for Nurse Holly. “An Angel is reborn” Chris W.

Part 8

“This is a special place in the hospital Carol. You can be as loud as you need to be and no one will get mad or tell you to be quiet. Please, pretty please, sing that song for me?”

I said.

“Nurse Holly, I know this is a special place in the hospital. I haven’t been this happy in a long time! It’s not like that other bad place, with those mean nurses, and I had to stay in for so long. I was there for months and it was horrible! This is a very nice place, I thought it was a place for the crazy kids, but I was wrong. Everyone I’ve met here has been super nice and let me talk, and be myself! They really care, and I’d like to sing, but only if you’re sure and we won’t get in trouble. You wouldn’t fib to me would you Nurse Holly?”

She laughed, and laughed. Her belly jiggled and that jiggled me. I couldn’t help myself and I giggled and giggled as we both jiggled. She finely said out of breath.

“I would never lie to you Carol, you never lie to little angels, they could tell anyway. No, I wouldn’t lie to you ever Sweetie. Would you lie to me?”

“Oh no Nurse Holly, I don’t lie at all! It gets me in trouble sometimes, and telling the truth can hurt an awful lot, but I don’t lie. I did learn to not say anything though. Sometimes it’s best not to say anything. That way people don’t get mad or hurt, and you don’t have to lie. I just can’t lie Nurse Holly, it hurts my head and heart too much.”

She then said.

“Well then, let me hear that song okay Sweetie, pretty please, with a cherry on top and even some whip cream and chocolate sprinkles.”

I giggled again she’s so funny! I said.

“When you stop making me giggle Nurse Holly, I’ll sing the song, but it isn’t Christmas time.”

She said.

“I promise I’ll stop making you giggle, and I’ll even let you sit on your bed without the restraints tied. How’s that for a deal”

I said excitedly.

“Wow, that’s cool Nurse Holly! I’ll sing my bestest if I don’t have to be tied up.”

She set me down on my bed as she took her seat moving it very close to my bed. I sang my silent prayer, closed my eyes just before I start singing, took a deep breath, went inside to my special place in my heart, and started to sing. The pretty colors were there when I opened my eyes! I just knew this would be okay then! I sang.

“O little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see the lie!
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by;

Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light;
The hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.

For Christ is born of Mary,
And gathered all above,
While mortals sleep. The angels keep
Their watch of wond’ring love.

O morning stars, together
Proclaim the holy birth,
And praises sing to God the King,
and peace to men on earth.

O holy Child of Bethlehem!
Descend to us, we pray.
Cast out our sin, and enter in,
Be born in us today!

We hear the Christmas angels,
The great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us,
Our Lord Immanuel!

I held on to Immanuel, singing it out in four long series of climbing notes until I used the last of my breath. It had felt so wonderful to sing again, so good, so fulfilling, the tears of happiness and joy just flowed out of me! I had felt it one more time, that very special feeling of giving from my heart to everyone and anyone. My whole body shook with joy, my eyes felt like they were on fire! Everything was alive; no matter what I looked at, I could see the life of love pulsing within it. I looked up at Nurse Holly and she too was crying, but I knew it was tears of happiness and joy. That happens when I sing; I just hoped and prayed it wouldn’t end up like all the other times I had sung. I would hang on to these feelings as long as possible though. I just don’t know when they will stop, or be stopped by others.

Nurse Holly lifted me up and hugged me to her giggling and twirling me around the room until we were both dizzy and giggling, and we had to sit down or fall down.

That’s when we heard the screaming! Some old woman down the hall started screaming and screaming and screaming! I just knew it would happen, it always does. My heart broke again and I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I cried I couldn’t help it. I looked up at Nurse Holly and said.

“You see Nurse Holly, it always happens when I sing. I hurt someone and I don’t mean to. Some people just don’t like to feel happiness and joy that they haven’t asked for. I kind of force it on them when I sing. Most people like it, but some just can’t stand it, especially coming from an IT like me.”

It was then a nurse came running in my room and said.

“You’re not going to believe this Holly! That’s Mrs. Brooks! She’s hollering for the angel, the singing angel!”

Nurse Pat comes running in my room and just looks at me with a huge smile on her face and says.

“Oh Carol, that was beautiful, we all felt it, every one of us! Dr. Cindy was on the phone and she heard and felt it too. She’s on her way and wants to talk to you some more. Um, oh yeah, I brought you that surprise. Dr. Cindy said it would be nice, but only if you really meant what you said to me.”

I was a little confused and said.

“Um, what part do you mean Nurse Pat?”

She chuckled and said.

“The part about you dressing as a girl, and making everyone happy, you silly girl; did you mean it or not?”

I stopped crying and said.

“Of course I meant it, it would be better for everyone including me I think. I am an IT and its okay for an IT to dress either way.”

She said.

“Good, because Holly and I are going to transform you into the little angel you are.”

She and Nurse Holly chuckled and they were so excited and animated I started giggling. I was attacked by them both, as I was bathed and my hair washed, conditioned and rinsed twice each time! My hair was snipped with scissors, and then rolled in curlers!

I was covered with diaper rash cream, and that was smoothed out and made thinner with baby oil until it was in every crook and cranny of my bottom and front! I was pinned into fresh diapers and pinned snuggly into them. Nurse Pat said.

“Look what we found for our little angel.”

She pulled a pair of rubber pants out of the bag and I started giggling as they both laughed. They are bright pink diaper panties and have little angels printed all over them, little angels with wings and halos, and all wearing bright white diapers! Nurse Holly slipped them up my legs and then held me in the air as Nurse Pat pulled them over my thickly padded diapered bum. She tucked the panties under the legs and waist of the diapers. I think we were laughing and giggling so much that that was what brought a few other nurses to see what was going on. Soon, I had four nurses helping turn me into a little baby girl angel. Now here were Nurses Pat and Holly, with Nurses Beth and Karen, giggling, and laughing right along with us.

I had a pretty-soft pink nightie, with white ruffled ribbon lace for the trim and a beautiful white satin bow with a pink flower in the middle on a sash tied around my chest, just below where a girl would grow boobies. The sash shortened the nightie just enough to show the very bottom of my bright pink diaper panties with the little baby angels printed all over it. They slipped matching slippers on my feet and then put my head under a bonnet and hooked it up to a portable hair dryer.

Nurse Pat took a bottle of shiny soft pink colored stuff out of the bag and had me lay my hands flat on the over bed table. I soon had shiny soft pink fingernails! I giggled and they all laughed. This was fun, and we were having fun. We were talking about my singing, they were saying how beautiful it was, and that it made them so happy that they even cried. I said.

“Not everyone was happy; some woman was screaming her head off. She sure didn’t sound happy to me.”

I was depressed and it wasn’t fair to the nurses because they were all working so hard to make me happy, so I shook it off and smiled.

Just then, Dr. Cindy walked in all smiles and greeted everyone. She saw me and chuckled seeing me hooked up to the hair dryer wearing that silly bonnet. I giggled and said.

“I’m an IT, and an IT can dress as a girl or a boy, so I can make everyone happy dressing as a girl. It’s a lot of fun too, if you have nice people helping you.”

I got a few hugs and kisses after I said that and we started again on a giggle and laughing fit. Dr. Cindy joined in as she asked about my toenails. She ended up painting those too! When she finished, and they were dry she said she had to check them to make sure she stayed in the lines. That’s when she tickled my feet and sent me right over the edge as I giggled and giggled, and flopped around like a fish out of water!

The next thing we heard was that woman screaming again! Nurse Karen said.

“Dr. Cindy, guess who that is?”

Dr. Cindy guessed two different names before she gave up and Karen said.

“It’s Mrs. Brooks!”

Dr. Cindy flew out of my room with Nurse Karen and Beth right behind her. Nurse Pat and Holly both started laughing. I just looked at them as if they were crazy! I mean who would laugh about someone screaming there head off. They saw my expression and they started laughing even harder, GEEZE!

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Nine
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol spreads his love and joy with his singing. Carol is also learning to accept “HER” feelings. Is this a sign of good things to come? You decide! Chris W.

Part 9

Dr. Cindy flew out of my room with Nurse Karen and Beth right behind her. Nurse Pat and Holly both started laughing. I just looked at them as if they were crazy! I mean who would laugh about someone screaming there head off. They saw my expression and they started laughing even harder, GEEZE!

The bonnet was removed and Nurse Pat did the honors of fixing my hair. She even tied it up in the back in a high ponytail so I could lay my head back on the pillow without it squishing the ponytail. She said it would be more comfortable that way. Nurse Holly washed my face again and rubbed my cheeks making them glow a bit pinkish. They showed me a mirror and I gasped! I had a pink and white ruffled lace Scrunchie in my now curly hair holding the ponytail, my cheeks were nice and pink, and I looked just like a pretty-baby girl all right! I giggled, they laughed, and Nurse Pat took something out of her pocket and gave it to me. It was in a little pink box and I opened it. Inside there was a layer of cotton and I pulled that out and saw a pretty-gold necklace with a little angel charm. It’s so pretty! I gave her a hug and a kiss and Nurse Holly fastened it on for me. It looked so pretty in the mirror; I started sniffling I was so happy! Nurse Holly said.

“Now, now, Little Angel none of that sniffling, I just washed your face free of tears!”

I gave her a hug and a kiss and said.

“You’ve both made me so happy, thank you so much!”

Dr. Cindy came back into the room shaking her head and said.

“I never really believed in miracles before, but this is just too much for me to explain away. Mrs. Brooks hasn’t said a word in over a year, and she’s gone from being catatonic to a violent angry woman. Now she’s screaming for the angel she swears visited her in her dreams and she convinced the angel is here because she heard her singing. I’m afraid she threatening violence unless we can produce the angel. I just don’t know what to do. I could sedate her, but she’s speaking for the first time and is drinking water and juice on her own. I don’t want to sedate her and ruin any chance of communicating.”

Nurse Holly said.

“Could it be Carol she’s talking about Cindy? She sang her Christmas song, and that’s the only song to be sung around here in a very long time.”

Dr. Cindy thought for a minute and said she’d be back in a few.

Before she left though, she got summoned to the nurse’s desk to take a phone call. I didn’t know it, but my daddy and my sister Dianna were waiting in her office. She told her receptionist to keep them waiting, should be there as soon as she could, but she had an emergency to handle first.

Nurse Holly had me tell Nurse Pat about Smoky, my singing horse friend. We were giggling and laughing again when Dr. Cindy returned. She sat on my bed with a serious face and said.

“Carol it was your singing and your song Mrs. Brooks heard. If I promise to keep you safe, would you just peek in on her? It could help her a lot; she’s been needing help for a long time, but wouldn’t let anyone help her before today.”

I thought for a minute, that woman’s screams are scary you know! Then I thought, if I could help just by peeking in at her and help make a sad and angry woman get help she needed, I’d do it. I said.

“Yupper Dr. Cindy I’ll do it.”

For the first time in a very long time, my wrists and chest were completely free of restraints! This is a good thing! I had to ride in a wheelchair as I got closer and closer to the room where the screams were coming from. As I got closer, I heard.

“Angel, I’m in here Angel! They have me tied up and I can’t leave to find you! Angel, Angel, Angel, I’m in here Angel! Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me all alone again!”

OH GEEZE, this was creepy and scary! I thought hard about how to stop her screaming until I could peek in her room and I said to Dr. Cindy and the nurses that came with us.

“Um, do you think I could start singing a song before you opened the door? I mean maybe she’ll stop screaming and listen until I can let her see me.”

Dr. Cindy and the nurses agreed with me! I was stunned, no one ever agrees with me. This is a cool place in the hospital to be!

I remembered a song adapted from a prayer from long ago. It gave me a purpose and a direction when Sister Anne taught it to me years ago while I lay in the hospital dying of cancer. It was a song I have loved and had forgotten. Now I remembered it word for word and soon, began singing it.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred. Let me sow love,
where there is injury, pardon,
where there is doubt, faith,
where there is despair, hope,
where there is darkness, light,
where there is sadness, joy.

O Devine Master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

I didn’t even realize it at first, but when I noticed where I was, I was standing right in front of the bed of Mrs. Brooks. Dr. Cindy was standing next to me and all three of us were smiling. I don’t know why I did it, but I just did. I walked around the bed and held Mrs. Brooks hand that was restrained at the wrist. I said.

“Hello Mrs. Brooks, my name is Carol. It was me you heard singing and not your angel. I’m sorry I’m not your angel, but I’m sure your angel is here right now. Can’t you feel her? I can! I know she’s here!”

Mrs. Brooks was smiling and she looked so happy, but it was the way she was smiling at me, that was sort of giving me the creeps. Her smile was so intense and her feelings were pouring out of her and into me! I could feel them, so I tried to push them back, but couldn’t so I tried giving her my feelings and I could do that! We both stayed like that for a few minutes just smiling and sharing each other without words, just holding one hand and giving of each other to each other. It was strange, but filled with wonderful and sad feelings. She was a very sad and angry woman, but as we held that one hand and shared each other, giving and receiving her feelings started to change from angry to just sad, from sad to happy and then we both felt the same joy and happiness I get from singing! I knew it was over and now she lent as close to me as she could, I kissed her cheek, and said.

“Mrs. Brooks, thank you for sharing with me. It’s the first time this has ever happened, but it was wonderful! I hope you’re not angry or sad anymore. Your angel is here can’t you feel her? I know she’s here. I have to go now, but I know you won’t be alone anymore. I know what being alone feels like. It’s a very sad feeling, but we’re not alone anymore Mrs. Brooks! We’ll never be all alone ever again!”

Dr. Cindy and I started walking out as Mrs. Brooks said.

“Thank you little angel, you can go back to Heaven now. I’ll be fine.”

She gave me a big smile and wiggled her fingers goodbye; her restrained wrist wouldn’t let her wave. I giggled and wiggled my fingers at her, and we left.

Dr. Cindy just looked at me and said.

“Okay Carol, out with it, were you two whispering or really just holding hands?”

I said.

“It was neat Dr. Carol, I held her hand, and then she held it back and we sort of shared feelings. I mean I felt her angry and then sad feelings first and tried to push them back, but I couldn’t. I figured that I should share my feelings with her as I do when I sing. I did that and we sort of shared each others feelings like that until her feeling matched my feelings and we both knew it was done. That’s it, very simple really, don’t you think?”

She just looked at me with such an expression I just had to giggle; she looked so funny that way! I sat in the wheelchair waved my hand, pointed towards my room, and said.

“Home James!”

“Nurse Beth laughed and tickled me saying.

“You little smarty you!”

We laughed and giggled all the way back to my room. I was so happy, I’ve never been this happy before, never ever, and ever never!

Dr. Cindy asked all the nurses besides Nurse Pat to leave us for a few minutes; we had to have a private chat. They left, but not before, I got hugs, kisses, and even a tickle from Nurse Beth. They left chuckling and laughing, I was giggling, but then stopped as I looked at Dr. Cindy. She smiled and said.

“All right young lady, let me understand these big shifts of thought you’ve been having.”

We talked for about thirty-minutes, and then Dr. Cindy had to leave. Before she left though, she said something that made me very happy! She said.

“You can leave the restraints off Pat, our little angel is out of danger for now, but watch her close! She’s all ready proven she can fool people with her smile and high tolerance for pain.”

For the first time in my life, I liked hearing people calling me her and she. I was dressed as a baby girl, but I actually loved it! I felt whole somehow, like I belonged and didn’t have to battle with my identity every day. I wondered how long it would be before I could wear a pair of panties and not these diapers and rubber diaper panties. I looked at Nurse Pat and asked her.

“If I don’t need the restraints anymore, how soon do you think I can have a pair of big girl panties instead of wearing these baby diapers Nurse Pat?”

She chuckled and said.

“That all depends on Dr. Cindy and how well you convince all of us you won’t try and die on us again Carol.”

Um, that statement made me stop and think a bit, she saw me lie back and my facial expressions changed to those of a child in deep thought. I guess when a little kid starts thinking deeply; they look a bit comical to the adults. She couldn’t help but laugh at my expressions as I lie there thinking. She sobered up quickly when I gave her the ‘look’ that told her I was doing some serious thinking and it wasn’t a laughing matter. Nurse Pat apologized, but said.

“I’m sorry Angel, but you were making some funny faces as you were thinking. I know what you are thinking about is no laughing matter. I apologize, Sweetie.”

To Be Continued...