This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. We get a glimpse of Carol’s past and a new hope for her future! Chris W.

Part 10

“I’m sorry Angel, but you were making some funny faces as you were thinking. I know what you are thinking about is no laughing matter. I apologize, Sweetie.”

I leaned over and gave her a hug and a kiss, but soon resumed thinking. It was true that I did want to die, but do I still want to die now? Everything is so different in this part of the hospital. They treat me as if I’m really worth keeping alive. I was able to help somebody today and I was able to sing twice without it turning bad on me. At first, I thought Mrs. Brooks hated my singing, but I was wrong! She thought I was a real angel though, and that thought started me giggling again.

This time, it was Nurse Pat, that gave me the funny look and I started giggling even more until she just joined me and laughed.

She did ask me after we calmed down what was so funny and I said.

“Mrs. Brooks, she thinks I’m a real angel, as Dr. Cindy and I were leaving Mrs. Brooks said to me.

‘Thank you little angel, you can go back to Heaven now. I’ll be fine.’

“Geeze Nurse Pat, I don’t want to her to think I’m a real angel, she has an angel of her own right there in the room with her. I know I could feel her angel in there with us. I hope her angel doesn’t get mad at me.”

Now Nurse Pat just stared at me for more than a few seconds and I was getting nervous, but then she smiled and said.

“The way I see it Carol, is her angel will be very happy with you not mad. You helped Mrs. Brooks, where her angel couldn’t. Now Mrs. Brooks will be more aware of her angel I think, and it’s because you care so much about others more than you care about yourself.”

I said.

“Yeah, well, I’m an IT, and I don’t have a soul, but I do have a heart! Everyone has a heart, but most everybody else has a soul. If I had a soul, I could go to Heaven, but since I don’t I can’t get to Heaven. I can’t be an angel either, because angels are sent from heaven by God. I was born as a mistake and shouldn’t even be here. That means God didn’t send me and that means I’m a useless IT, but I know I’m not as useless as my daddy, Dianna, and Jimmy think I am. I can help people even though I am an IT without a soul. I have my heart and my heart works better than a lot of peoples do!”

Nurse Pat thought to herself.

‘I’m glad Dr. Cindy gave me those tape recorders! No one would believe the conversations I’m having with this five-year old! My God, she’s more aware of things fifty-year olds are blind too! This little imp has a heart of gold, sings like an angel that moves your soul, has an insight to life that is just now being awakened in a positive way, and she’s just blowing my mind with her simplistic truths of life! From wanting to die and almost succeeding with a smile on her face, to embracing being a baby girl because it would make more people happy, and if it made more people happy, she could be happy. I’m going nuts! That’s it, I need to talk to Dr. Cindy before I just steal this child and keep her for myself. I can’t believe her father and her siblings hate her so. Why for God’s sake, how could you hate a child such as this? I’d gladly go into debt up to my eyeballs if I had a child like Carol. I have to talk to Cindy, this child is ripping my heart out, she’s suffered far too much, and she’s only five-years old! I just want to hold her to me and protect her from anything that could hurt her anymore.’

I look over to Nurse Pat as I’m done thinking, and see she has tears and is quietly sobbing. I say.

“Nurse Pat, don’t cry, everything is real nice now. I don’t want to die anymore. I really have things I can do to help others now! You know that song I sang on the way to see Mrs. Brooks?”

Nurse Pat smiles at me and says.

“Yes Little Angel, I’ve never heard that prayer sung before and it was really beautiful, but I know the prayer well. It’s a popular one, but not many people follow what it teaches them.”

I continued by saying.

“Well, Sister Anne taught me that song and prayer while I was in the hospital the first time, and it was worse than this time, even in the bad place here! I had needles stuck in me everywhere, both arms, both legs, a tube up my nose and in my tummy; I even had one going in my bottom and front! I peed and pooped through tubes! I ate and drank through tubes. I got everything I needed through tubes and needles! I hurt real bad all the time, and when they gave me stuff to take the pain away, I always fell asleep for days, or it just didn’t work.

“They gave me stuff they called hormones because it helped me absorb the medicines and I had little boobies when I was three and four years old! I had boobies right up until a few months ago when they finally went away. That’s why my nipples are so big now, bigger than the boys and bigger than most of the girls my age. Dianna, my sister, makes fun of them all the time. She says I’m a freak because my nipples are bigger than hers are and she’s a real girl. Patty, my other sister, she’s the nice one and my bestest sister, she just laughs at Dianna. I know my nipples are bigger than hers are because she never wears a bra if she can get away with it. My mommy even made her walk around the house without a shirt on one day until Dianna agreed to wear a bra everyday. My brother Jimmy made fun of her and that’s the only reason she wore the bra. She wants to be a boy and hates her boobies.

“Well anyway, Sister Anne taught me that song when I just wanted to give up. She used to visit me everyday, and we’d sing and learn prayers and she taught me my numbers and letters before any of the other kids my age knew them! I love Sister Anne, bunches, and bunches, oodles, and scoodles even! Mommy says, that means you love a person lots and lots. Anyway, part of this story I promised my mommy and Father Kowalski I’d keep a secret so I can’t tell you about my special angel, but I can ask them if I can tell you someday.

“Well, Sister Anne saw that I was real sick and I saw the doctors shaking there heads when they looked my way and were talking to her, Father Kowalski and my mommy. They were the only ones to visit me ever. Daddy never came to visit me; nobody ever came to visit me. I was feeling so tired and I hurt so bad I did just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up anymore. I wanted to stay with Jesus and his family in Heaven that was before I knew I couldn’t go to Heaven. Sister Anne taught me that song and prayer, and you know what Nurse Pat?”

She had tears in her eyes again, but she was smiling at me so I think they are happy tears, she said.

“What Sweetheart?”

“As we sang that song, my pain went away and I felt so good I was happy! I told Sister Anne about it afterwards and everyday after that we sang that song. I got stronger, they took a lot of those tubes out, and I was able to just wear diapers for a while instead of those nasty tubes that hurt and even made me get sick with infections. An old woman, older than my grandma and Mrs. Whitney heard me sing and she was giving up just as I was before. Nobody visited her either and she was so lonely. I know how that felt, and a few nurses asked me to sing a song for her. She was so nice and it felt good to sit on her bed with her and cuddle. I miss the cuddles. I never got many of them, so I really like it when I get to cuddle. It feels so good don’t you think Nurse Pat? Do you like to cuddle sometimes?”

Geeze, she’s still got tears in her eyes, but she’s smiling and tells me she loves to cuddle as she scoops me up in her arms and puts me on her lap. She does like to cuddle and I’m really happy now. We sit there and cuddle and she just lets me talk on and on and never tells me to shut up or be quiet.

“Anyway, after a while even the special song wasn’t helping much and everyone was doing that shake their heads thing towards me. I knew I was going to die then because some of the nurses that liked me lots and lots were crying all the time when they were taking care of me. I knew I was going to die soon when Sister Anne helped me sing a song, the Our Father prayer, I know you know that one Nurse Pat, everyone knows that prayer. Do you know the song though? Well Sister Anne taught me that prayer song and we were singing it and I just fell back on the bed. I didn’t have any more breath and I saw this bright light and, and heard the most wonderful singing I ever heards! Then the light dimmed a lot and the singing got real soft so I had to really concentrate hards to keep seeing and hearing the light and singing. Mommy, Father Kowalski, Sister Anne, some of the nurses and even the doctors were there all around in my room. I knew I was going to die when my daddy showed up. You know it was funny; he was the only one happy for me that I was going to get to heavens! Everyone else was crying and hugging each other. Mommy and Sister Anne stayed with me and made sure I was real comfortable all the time. They prayed and prayed with Father Kowalski. Daddy didn’t though, I could hear the others praying, but I never heard my daddy pray that time.

“Anyway, the light and music was getting brighter and louder again, and…oops, I’m sorry I can’t tell you that part, but maybe if we ask Father Kowalski and my mommy together I can! Anyway, I found out that God didn’t want me then and He sent me back. Everyone was gone and it was real dark when I woke up! I wasn’t hooked to any machines and there was no needles sticking in me either. The only thing was I was naked, not even a diaper or nothin! I sat up, I heard screaming, and it was some nurses that were saying goodbye to me. They really scared me and made me cry. I was on this cold metal bed with no mattress in a hallway somewhere and then the lights came on and a bunch of nurses and doctors came at me all shouting and scaring me even more. One of the nurses jumped up on the wheelie bed and pushed me down and put this mask on my face that forced air into my mouth and nose, it hurt! They wheeled me into this room with a bright light just like the one they took me to in this hospital. I remember two doctors arguing over me and one said.

“No way George, not after over two hours it can’t happen!”

The other doctor, George said.

“Well, here we have a dilemma, what do we write in the report? We both signed the death certificate!”

“The nurses around me were laughing at them, and now I was getting kissed and hugged a zillion times. I was happy and then I went to a private room and a lot of people came to visit me then, too many people. Everybody was happy, but when my daddy came in to visit, he wasn’t happy at all. You see Nurse Pat, I had cost my daddy way to much money and I was costing him more money by being in the hospital still. That’s how come my family doesn’t have any nice things, because of me! Because I was sick and it costed them lots and lots of money they couldn’t afford to spends.

“Now look, I’m in the hospital again and daddy is going to be so mad at me! It’s all my fault too, I tried to help my sisters and brother because they were sick and mommy was out hanging clothes on the clothesline to dry. They needed some stuff to drink so I got their glasses and went downstairs to get them some cold water. That’s when mommy caught me and made me go right to bed. She kept taking my temperature in my bottom! Well, I started feeling real bad and the next thing I know, I’m tied in the bed with tubes and needles and all that just like the first time. What made it worse this time was I was tied down, and couldn’t move. I had to poop and pee on myself even though I could’ve used the urinal and bedpan if the nurses would have helped me, but it was easier for them to keep me in diapers.

“Nurse Pat, it was awful down there in that isolation room! No one would listen to me and I couldn’t use the bell next to my bed because I was tied up. I couldn’t holler out when I was lonely or scared because they would holler at me for making to much noise. All I could do was lie there and listen to the clock ticking. I couldn’t sing because it would be too noisy and they’d holler at me again. I got sick to my stomach and I wanted to holler for help, but I threw up and choked on it. I was having a hard time breathing by then and I thought it would be cool to just stop breathing. A nurse looked through that window they have behind the nurse’s station and saw me though. She pressed a button on the wall when she came into my room and then all sorts of people showed up. It was horrible Nurse Pat, she put this vacuum thing down my throat, and I could taste blood in my mouth when she was doing that, then the doctors put a bigger tube down my throat and hookeded me to this breathing machine and that hurt real bad too.

“I watched them cut into my tummy and put in that tube I pulled out myself later. I did that because even my mommy was mad at me. If my mommy is mad at me, then I never want to go home. Patty would be the only one to love me there and she’d get picked on by everyone then. I thought it bestest if I just made everyone happy and just died and went to the kids dump.

“Then I got up here somehow and everyone’s so nice I just want to stay here, but I do have to go back home and back to school again. I like school, but the kids don’t like me. I like to be home, but daddy, Dianna, and Jimmy hate me. Mommy is mad at me for making a fuss about being in girl’s stuff downstairs in that room, but I don’t think she that mad at me anymore. Patty still loves me, but she’s my bestest, bestest sister, and I Loves her tons and tons.

“Nurse Pat, I think it will be better this time because I’m going to be happy to wear girl’s things. Nobody can tease me about it because I’m an IT and IT kids can wear anything they want, boys or girls stuff. I look like a girl so girls stuff would be better for me to wear and a lot of people will be happier with me wearing girl’s dresses and frilly things.

“Nurse Pat is it okay if I take a nap. I’m really tired now.”

Nurse Pat smiled, chuckled, and put me back to bed, but I gave her a hug and a kiss thanking her for the nice cuddle. I needed that! It didn’t take long and I was sleeping. It was a different story for Daddy and Dianna at Dr. Cindy’s office!

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol is at peace with herself, ‘for now’. But things are happening with the rest of the family.
Chris W.

Part 11

Nurse Pat smiled, chuckled, and put me back to bed, but I gave her a hug and a kiss thanking her for the nice cuddle. I needed that! It didn’t take long and I was sleeping. It was a different story for Daddy and Dianna at Dr. Cindy’s office!

Daddy was real mad now, and Champ was just as mad as daddy was. They had been sitting in that office for over an hour and the receptionist told them they had to stay because the doctor said she’d be right there once her emergency was over. It was daddy’s Sunday too, and he was missing his bowling league. Champ was mad too because her boobies were bothering her. Mommy handed her one of the shirts daddy bought her and no undershirt. The shirt is scratchy and now her nipples were getting sore. Of course, she and daddy blamed it all on me.

Dr. Cindy walked in, saw them both and there mad expressions. She said.

“I can see you both are mad, I can help you make this very short if you wish. I’ll just put the papers forward for Carol’s seizure from your care and he’ll be a ward of the state.”

My daddy knew that would end any chance of keeping his family together, so he said.

“No Doctor, that won’t do at all. We are here to have the talk you demanded and here we are. Please it’s just that we have been waiting so long and we too have other things we should be doing.”

Dr. Cindy smiled and asked Dianna to come into the office first. My daddy got very nervous and he prayed Champ remembered what he had told her to say.

Dianna was very nervous as she sat down in the chair right in front of Dr. Cindy’s desk. Dr. Cindy didn’t waste any time as she looked Dianna right in the eyes and said.

“So what should I call you, Dianna, Champ, or Dee?”

Dianna, being full of her self as usual whenever she thinks she can says.

“I prefer Champ Doctor.”

“You can call me Dr. Cindy, Champ. You want Carol to die don’t you Champ?”

Dianna was thrown for a loop with that question and had to think for a minute, but then said.

“No, not really, he’s my little brother. We might not get along, but I just wish he’d stay healthy long enough so daddy could pay off all the bills Carol racks up. It isn’t fair to my daddy that he can’t get us the stuff he wants to. He works sixteen hours a day, five days a week and he still can’ afford to get any of us the things we need.”

Dr. Cindy smiled and then said.

“Champ, do you want to be a boy?”

Dianna blushed and then said.

“No, but I don’t want to be one of those sissy frilly girls my mom wants me to be. She makes me wear a bra all the time and I don’t have to yet. I like to do what the boys get to do all the time. Girls end up in the house doing everything and the boys just do a few things and get to play. I don’t want to be in the house cleaning and dusting, doing all the laundry, cooking, and then washing all the dishes. It isn’t fair and I won’t do it if I don’t have too!”

“Okay Champ, you don’t want to be a boy, but you want to do everything the boys do, and none of the things girls do, is that right?”

“Yeah, Carol is more of girl than I am and I’m a real girl. He can do the girls things I would have to do and I can do the boys thing he can’t do. I think that’s fair.”

“Tell me what Carol does for you, and what you do for Carol in return Champ.”

“He helps my mom and sister clean the house, you know, dusting, polishing the small stuff, folding the clean clothes, he helps peel vegetables, shine shoes, sweep and mop the floors, and he’s great at getting into the small areas and doing the stuff mom and Patty have to bend over a lot to do.

“Carol is kind’a small so he can’t do the stuff I do for him yet. I help my brother Jimmy and my daddy do all the outside stuff, empty the garbage, paint the house, work on the car, wash and wax the car, trim the hedges, shovel the snow in winter, a lot of times I help my daddy do stuff Carol just couldn’t help him with. Why should I do all that and help inside the house too?”

“Okay Champ, but if Carol did die, what do you think would happen then?”

This started Dianna thinking a lot deeper than she ever did before on that subject. She just hated me because she couldn’t have nice things or go to the Boston Red Sox games as daddy had told he would take her too, but couldn’t afford it while paying all ‘my’ bills. It surprised her how much my dying would really affect her life. She turned as red as a fire truck once she realized what it would really mean to her if I were gone. She said.

“Oh my goodness, it would be horrible for me if Carol died or if he were taken away! I would have to do all the stuff he does and even more. I’d have to wear dresses more, my bra all the time, and I wouldn’t be able to be with daddy much anymore. Please doctor Cindy, don’t take Carol away from us. Um, I promise I’ll treat him a lot better from now on! I won’t be mean to him any more or make fun of him at school. I’ll stop the other girls and boys from teasing and picking on him at school. It’s my fault a lot of them do and Jimmy thinks he’s just a little sissy.”

“Champ what if I was to tell you that Carol has decided to be a girl all the time instead of trying to be a boy. In his case, Carol can be either a boy or girl because he’s more in between than one or the other. Could you help Carol as a little sister or would you make her life miserable?”

“Really, Carol a girl that would make things a lot better Dr. Cindy. He looks like a little girl; he acts like a little girl. He’s pretty, prettier than I am, even his nipples are bigger than mine are, and I’m older than he is. He used to have breasts, and I was jealous. Here he was at four-years old with pretty breasts and all I had was puffy nipples that hurt and stayed sore like they are now. I used to be the youngest girl in the family to develop, but then Carol came back from the hospital looking like a pretty baby girl with breasts. I was mad and didn’t want breasts anymore; I just wanted to be the boy Carol wasn’t.

“He got all the attention from mom and Patty. Jimmy was the only one and daddy to pay me any attention at all. Mom always bossed me around and tried to make do all the girls stuff she and Patty didn’t want to do. She tried to make me wear dresses and frilly things all the time. You know, she and Patty change like twice a day! That’s a lot of laundry to do and they don’t have to change that much. Carol looks pretty in his girl clothes and even prettier in the dresses and frillies. He looks like a doofus dressed as a little boy with short hair.

“You know what Dr, Cindy? Nobody believes Carol is really a boy anyway, they all think he’s a little girl wanting to be a boy like me, but I’m much better at it than he is. He’s just too pretty.”

“Okay Champ, I think I understand. One thing though, if you don’t want to wear bras, you’re at least going to have to wear something soft under your shirts. I noticed you fidgeting and pulling your shirt away from your chest. Once your breasts develop a little more, you’re just going to have to wear a bra. You know your shape is changing, soon your bottom and hips are going to fill out more, your waist will be thinner, and all the boys are going to be stronger than you are. Once you get into puberty, your periods will start, and there will be no going back. You can’t stop developing Champ. It’s easy for you now, but in a year or two, it will be a lot more difficult for you to blend in with the boys.”

“I know Dr. Cindy; the boys are all ready saying things and trying to get me to take my shirt off. Just last Saturday we all went to swim at the swimming hole and they stripped naked right in front of me. They said if I wanted to be a boy, I’d have to do the same. Jimmy made them leave me alone. He didn’t get naked like they did and we walked home. Um, I don’t really want to be a boy Dr. Cindy. I just don’t want to be a frilly girl and have to do all the housework. I like working outside and doing the work boys do better.”

“Okay, thank you for talking to me Champ, if you promise to treat Carol as your little sister and love her, support her, and help her, I might let her come home with your family. If I ever hear of you mistreating her, picking on her, or any negative thing, I’ll take her away from your family so fast; you’ll find yourself in bras and frilly poofy dresses in a heartbeat! Do you understand me Dianna?”

“Yes Ma’am, I understand and I promise. I think Carol will make a much better little sister than a little brother.”

“Okay then I want you to ask my receptionist, her name is Cheryl, to come in for a second and when she comes out of my office you go with her, all right Dianna?”

“Yes Ma’am, I will.”

Dianna left when Dr. Cindy motioned for her to leave. Cheryl came in a few seconds later. Dr. Cindy opened one of her cabinets and pulled out an ivory colored silk chemise still wrapped. She said.

“Cheryl, take Dianna into the bathroom and have her put this on. The poor girl is suffering wearing just that scratchy shirt over her breasts.”

Cheryl chuckled and said.

“Cindy, this chemise must have cost you a bundle! This is real silk, isn’t it?”

Dr. Cindy chuckled and said.

“Cheryl, her family passes everything down. She gets her older sisters things mostly, and Carol gets what is still serviceable. I doubt she even has a proper fitting bra. She should at least find out that some of the girls clothing she shuns can feel nice.”

They both laughed and soon Dianna was in rapture as she wore the chemise under her shirt. Cheryl noted how red and sore Dianna’s nipples looked. She even put a little amount of lotion on them for Dianna. Dianna hadn’t felt this comfortable in any girl clothing ever. When she came out of the bathroom, Daddy was all ready in with Dr. Cindy.

Daddy walked in, they shook hands, and he waited until she sat down before he sat. Dr. Cindy began right away by saying.

“Mr. Whitney, may I call you Bill? Thank you Bill, you can call me Cindy. Bill, frankly almost this entire episode and Carols attempt at suicide stems from your attitude. Your daughter Dianna, I mean Champ, that is what you call her isn’t it Bill?...

To Be Continued…