Sweet Dreams-27...Oh Crap! WTF?

Chapter 27

The rest of the day gets pretty hectic. It’s Saturday so both Alex and I have to work. Saturday’s a good shift for me at work because it’s one a really full day from nine until nine and it’s also the day that we get some new inventory for the store. I’m really getting into working for Hali too she’s actually helping me get some of the girl stuff down. I guess I’m sort of naturally girly though I never thought so just…punk…goth…sorta weird. I mean some of the gay kids and the odd kids would get beat on every once in awhile but those that were truly weird like me most of the time got ignored.

I’m going through skirts and holding some up to me looking in the mirrors. Hali has this folding changing screen thing that’s like three full length mirrors very useful in a clothing place.

“Hey, you think back in my old school they didn’t really think of me as a weird kid but a weird girl?”

“Could be, I mean you’re such a natch at this you’d think you’d have a fanny under there.”

“Ugh, that’s just weird. Fanny’s another body part over here Y’know.”

“I know, I know but it’s half the fun getting a rise out of you.”

“Isn’t that called taking a piss or something.”

“Indeed it is my duck, you’re coming along nicely now.”

“Oy, great that is now by the time yer done wit me I’ll sound like Eliza bloody Dolittle.”

We both giggle and laugh my UK accent is complete trash about as convincing as me trying to do impressions of Arnold Swartzenegger.

“It’s actually closer to pirate if you ask me love.”

“Great well if I need another job I’ll go see Disney about working the whole Pirates of the Caribean thing.”

“Only as a bloke, your gelly padding wouldn’t cut it in a bikini I’m afraid.”

“Hey!” I look down my front, frown…frown some more. “You know…I never thought of myself as being gay. I mean I wasn’t like typical teenaged boy horny so much he’d fuck a hole in the drywall… but I got turned on by girls all the same and I still kinda sorta do but….the sex with Alex is getting better actually and I like it as gay as that sort of seems then it’s not because what If I’m supposed to be a girl? Wouldn’t that make me straight?”

“No luv, you still had a think for girls, that’d make you Bisexual.”

“But still, what If I’m really supposed to be a girl?”

“You feel that way hon, foe real?”

“What kind of guy gay or not wants to have curves like a woman? I mean Alex does this stuff with my chest and my nipples that feels awesome and I know it’s like habit or something…but I want more…I want the girl part of it, I want the real thing sometimes so much to have breasts of my own and even Y’know…I’ve been thinking more and more on the whole downstairs thing too, what it’d you know be like.”

“Well as much as I like meself as a woman, a fanny’s not all it’s advertised Y’know and the surgical ones are a bit tricky too I’ve heard. Hunter y’don’t wan to be messing around with wondering, think long and hard about that kind of stuff.”

“I know, but I’m just really kind of getting the message from like just life and being just me that…I was always supposed to be a girl.”

“Hey now, I’m not saying that it’s not true or that what you’re feelings not right and all but this stuffs really serious. Just think about all the bad stuff you hear about plastic surgery stuff and apply it to like serious life stuff like your plumbing.”

“Okay…” I smile looking up. “Oy, Hali look who came round to take his tea break with us.”

Alex walks in and as usual when we’re working he’s got a tray for us all and good guy…no great guy that he is he’s got my coffee and his but a small two or three cup pot of tea that they serve up at wired. Plus there’s scones which is like a North American biscuit but sort of sweet like just sweet enough not to be bready. And there’s a dollop of something that looks like yogurt but sort of off white it’s not cream cheese or sour cream, well it sort of looks like sour cream and there’s blueberry jam.

Thankfully he brought me my brownie…I love the caramel brownies at wired. First no nuts, just fudgy brownie yayness. Two instead of the nuts as the crunchy bits they have bits of Skor bar then this dark chocolate icing and that has caramel poured over it and the kicker to it all is these crunchy bits of sea salt call fleur de sel over top.

Okay…I am a Girl that has the Choco-gasm…I love chocolate and it’s not because I’ve been deprived…I swear in speaks to my soul.

But Hali’s having intimate relations with here clotted cream? Ugh! I mean C’mon it’s Clotted…Clotted…when has clotted ever meant good?

But Hali’s all over the moon at this stuff and the fact it’s Devon Cream or something. Apparently the coffee shop serves a good deal of UK ex-pats here or something including a lot of people from India who I guess have a thing for British stuff as much as the Brits have a thing for stuff like curries and the like.

Alex has some of the stuff but that’s him and his thing for cheeses like that nasty cottage cheese stuff.

It’s a good break from work even though works not really that hard and stuff and we leave for burgers at Hardy’s for supper and I spend the last few hours at work actually looking stuff up online, watching a few shows online about cooking stuff and I stop with Alex off at the Kroghers and get a few things.

I love him pushing the cart and me standing on the front of it hanging on. He smiles at me. “So why are we here?”

“Sunday dinner.”

“We’ve got groceries Hunter.”

“I know but with Jen here and Adam and April and things going alright I was thinking that I’d try to have us do up a family dinner tomorrow. We did really good all together the other night and I’ve never really had the family thing Alex.”

“We don’t exactly have the family thing here either.”

“No, we don’t but what’s the harm in trying?”

“Lots if he’s trying something.”

“Alex…C’mon, I really want this…Jen needs it too and I…I want us to at least to try.”

“There’s a lot of stuff between him and I Hunter.”

“Yeah, and there’s a lot of bullshit too.”

“Bullshit?” He stops the cart and he’s giving me the eyebrow.

“Yeah, bullshit…a lot of that stuff happened a long time ago and you’ve blamed him for shit and pulled away, he’s pulled away because you’re pretty fucked up too Alex and he didn’t know how to deal but in you guys pulling away he’s losing the only family he felt he had left because of the issues with his family and that’s where he becomes the control freak.”

“I’m fucked up?”

“Hell yes, and you know you’re screwed up and so am I. The whole world is made up of screwed up bent and twisted up people. That’s life and don’t change the subject. Look you two are both so used to the way things are that it’s scary as shit to change things or even make the attempt. But you’re going to do this.”

“I am?” He actually looks a bit mad, on edge, end of my shift and she’s pulling this sort of look. Heck I’m scared because this is kind of a fight…

I step off the front of the cart and hug myself.

“I need this Alex…we all need this…I love you and I just see so much more…? If we try? I want to try Alex, I’m tired of being curled up in the corner.”

Great I’m crying and I’m wiping away at the tears and he comes over and wraps me up tight in those huge arms of his and lets out this sigh. You ever been to the zoo and see a bear or a lion lay down with that big hhhhhhfff sigh, yeah one of those.

But the hug is real, the way I’m being held is real and he kisses me on the top on my head and stays just that way before breaking contact to murmur.

“Okay…so what are we having?”

(Sniffle) “Whatever’s your favorite?”

He kisses the top of my head again. “Suck up.”

(Sniffle) “Yeah…”

“C’mon lets go look.”

We get back to looking but instead of going with me riding the grocery cart I’m glued to his side as we do that couples walk and sway together. It’s very cool and romantic or at least it’s really romantic to me.

We look a lot of stuff over and I’m not really fussy or that familiar with a whole lot of stuff. Cheap meats to me was like fish-sticks or breaded chicken cutlets. Mom and the step-shit wouldn’t buy stuff like liver or tripe or any of those less choice cuts of stuff. I don’t really know how to cook them but my eyes can’t help but to notice the prices and I might just learn just in case. I could eat pretty good for cheap in college like this.

Holy…did I just say college?

Huh?

God…Alex, everything it’s just sort of sinking into me maybe that I might actually be able to do stuff like that. Have a life? And I think it’s actually coming from actually living one instead of being out there in the cold looking in and wondering and dreaming what that life would be like.

Chicken, I decide on a big chicken as big as they got there and I buy lots of veggies to go with it. Potatoes and carrots, turnip though I love that Hali calls them neeps. Some of these squashes and yellow beets, a few sweet potatoes and some rosemary, and thyme and some apples. I think I have everything for tomorrow. I’m actually kind of excited about it all and I talk Alex’s ear off a bit talking about the stuff I seen on the computer (Jamie Oliver.) and how I’ve never done anything like this before.

It’s midnight before everything’s away and we’re home and I’ve set the bird in this salt/sugar water mixture called a brine. It’s supposed to make the bird really juicy and the skin crisp.

I love chicken skin…I know it’s awful to admit to something like that but Y’know so does a lot of other people. I’ll admit to even having a weakness for pork rinds. But it could be my body craving the fats.

I remember there was this movie, I’d only seen like part of it but there was this gothy girl witch on it and she called the four food groups …Sugar, Salt, Fat and Booze. I know I need all these good things but it’s still kind of funny.

Alex showers while I did all of that then it’s my turn and while like I said my sex life is getti ng better and better we are not all about the screwing around. But this…me being warm, dry, clean and comfy in my snoopy Pj’s and Alex making us hot chocolate and just kissing me and holding me as we sip at our hot chocolate and dance…yeah sometimes we’ll just sneak in a few slow dances with the lights down before going to bed…to go to sleep dreaming of him holding me while we dance together…then his arms around me as I drift away…it kills bad dreams I know it does.

It’s really just another way of making love right? I mean am I just being a corny spaz or is making love really way more that sex?

I think so now.

God I love Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” We almost always dance to that song.

I love the contented sigh he has when we get snuggled together in bed and I can almost feel Alex’s heart saying with that….everything’s right in the universe. I hope that’s it…another reason I’m more and more sure I’m supposed to be a girl. Guy lingo, I’m just as non-fluent as any other girl is at Gruntese.

I love mornings like this morning sometimes…Sunday and Alex creeping up from bed to go run…but I hang onto his wrist and pull him down again and we kiss while my fingers slip into his boxer briefs and soon after we’re making love.

I won’t get into the details but I’m wide awake with my blood pumping during it and loud and glad the walls are thick and we’re away from the main part of the house. Then by the time he cleans off and goes for his run I’m breathless and boneless and slip into his dry spot and bury my face into his pillows and scent as I drift off back to post sex sleep.

I get up when he gets back and I join him in the shower and yes, today we do it twice…and get cleaned up in the process and do the whole morning ritual stuff we always do in that lazy, boneless, happy way.

It’s a lazy breakfast too with me not doing a damn thing and my guy’s making me waffles while I nurse a great big coffee and watch him sitting sideways in our big comfy chair. He’s got the radio on and it’s just kind of nice to be doing that while listening to a real radio station. Hey I listen to downloaded stuff all the time but there’s nothing like the stuff you get with a real D.J. team.

Always WCSX…94.7 FM Really good tunes, and something I’ve listened too all my life regardless of Mom or the step-shit Cliff.

By ten though I’ve got the veg all peeled and it’s all in the biggest roaster we’ve got with an apple and some rosemary and some thyme shoved inside the bird and just a light dusting of salt and pepper and I have it in the oven.

Dessert I actually use the rest of the apples and make a big apple pie that’s in one of those rectangular glass casarole dishes since we don’t actually have any pie tins in either place. I used granny smith apples and I added brown sugar, and some salt, cinnamon and a little bit of nutmeg and all-spice plus a big cheat by using a box of lemon Jello. I read that online, it makes the Jello from the juices from the apples and the sugars will make it not taste like lemon but the lemon will spark up the flavor for the pie so it’s not too sweet.

God I hope it turns out alright, the crust too.

April was over the moon when I said that I was cooking a big Sunday roast chicken dinner and said that she and Adam would be more than welcome to have it in the dining room of the main house.

It actually became a pretty big thing or it felt like it. Cindy came over to hang out with us and Jen. Jen had been with Adam apartment hunting most of yesterday and doing homework last night so she actually slept in until close to eleven or so. I did notice Cindy looking tired and she had band aids on her fingers? And of course both of them are hanging out at my and Alex’s place for most of the day watching these 80’s movies that I’ve never seen before.

Wow…okay “Better off Dead.” is really funny and “Sixteen Candles.” was pretty awesome too and “Jake” soooo reminds me of Alex in a whole lot of ways. I’m cooking or rather checking on the food and watching with them and Alex is laying face down on the floor with a cushion and some of his sketch pads. I do peak and there’s one that has me in it dressed oddly in a castle with this big hulking thing in a shadow and this rose floating in a glass domey thing and a petal is floating to the table it’s on.

The others are these really great drawings and sketches of houses and people, I mean when you can see care and laugh lines on a woman’s face as she’s tying the shoe of her granddaughter. He has so much talent it’s scary, and amazing.

I’m back in the kitchen and wondering a little of why would someone like Alex wo9uld be with someone like me…?

I look over to them in the living room and Alex is looking at me and I bite my lip a little and he gets up off the floor and comes into the kitchenette and kisses me then picks me up by my waist and sets me on the counter and leans in and kisses me again. “It’s because I Love you.”

“How…”

“You get this look Hunter, you get this look that’s hurt, sad, lost….it scares me babe, it scares me more than my shit ever could…”

He kisses me again and I sort of wrap my legs around him as just like that he went into my dark place and pulls me out of it and it’s so….so amazing that he gets that about me…we need that, as people in general I believe because sometimes even when we try to stop ourselves from going there there’s no brakes.

Supper was really a success with the bird just almost falling apart it’s cooked that well and the skin all crispy and the scent of the apple and the herbs was just coming out it. The veggies were chunky and well roasted and I tilt the roaster and collect the juices in the corner and take the extra oil off with a bit of paper towel to blot some of it away. The rest I add some flour and sort of make a base by cooking it in the juices and the bit of pan greases that I left and scrape the roaster clean then add a pat of butter then a can of chicken broth and that made the gravy.

I…

There’s such a feeling I don’t think I’ve ever had before feeding everyone and Alex kisses me with “This is awesome babe.” and April is praising me a lot saying it’s so good, Jen says a couple of times that. “If I wasn’t there watching you make this I’d never have believed it.” and she teases Alex by telling him that. “You definitely traded up Alex, treat her right.” Cindy’s biggest compliment to me came with the smiles and her saying. “Homemade…I only ever get homemade anything at Grams house at Christmas or when my Aunt cooks at Thanksgiving.”

Adam…He thanks me, says that it smells very good. But it’s what he doesn’t say as we eat it’s him and Alex cleaning the rest of everything while I’m cutting squares of the pie. Nothing left, just the chickens poor picked over bones, not even the gravy was left the gravy boat claimed by someone and was cleaned of all traces by fingers.

They all have pie and ice cream except for Adam and Alex who actually put slices of cheddar on theirs and melt in in the microwave.

Eeeew!

I guess the real compliment came from Adam when I was doing the dishes and he came up and he took one of the dishtowels and he dried as I washed pausing only to make a pot of coffee.

We finished and he poured us two coffee’s and he took his smokes to head outside. But when he passes me he smiles? Hides behind a sip of his coffee. “That was the first family dinner for this house Hunter, it was good.”

He heads/slips out.

Damn…I really wish I hadn’t quit smoking…hot coffee after a meal and dessert…that’s prime smoking time…aaah dammit. I hold my mug with both hands not for the heat but to have something to do with my hands.

Then…

He said the “first family dinner.” so does that mean that I’m family?

I’m mulling that over when April comes in and she pulls me close into a hanging onto me hug. “Thank you Hunter, it actually feel like a home here tonight for a change.” I lean into her just enjoying the moment. “Thanks Mom…”

She just holds me and nods for awhile as the girls are talking and showing Alex some of the places that they’ve been looking at for apartments. She leans over and looks at me. “I was talking to my doctor today Hunter we’ve got an appointment tomorrow after lunch to go and see about the nosebleeds and to get you checked out. Is that okay?”

I’m quiet, thinking about all the stuff that might go wrong but also the whole confidentiality thing and if I might be able to crossover from the way I am now to the girl I’m more and more sure I am.

“Okay…I need to start taking real steps forward right?”