The drive back started quietly, once we’d got over the initial banter of ‘Auntie Cathy’ and ‘Grandpa Tom’. I did suggest the latter could be shortened to ‘Grumps’ which for some reason he didn’t find amusing, because I did–which annoyed him all the more. When he grumbled, I merely pointed out how apposite the epithet was. This made me snigger all the more, and he went into a long silent sulk. It made a change, usually it was me sulking.

Tom started talking after we were cut up by a juggernaut on the M27, most of it was aimed at the driver of the offending lorry, who wouldn’t have heard it anyway. I was annoyed enough to sound my windscreen washer at him–the horn is in a different place on the other car.

I did think about retaliation, but he was a trifle larger than us, by a factor of about fifty, so decided that it would be useless. As he shot past, Tom urged me to chase after him.

“Tom, he’s been too close already.” I was still a little wobbly after this close encounter.

“Just catch him up, you’ve got loads of power there, use it girl.” Instead of arguing, I put my foot down and we caught him up within a few minutes. The Mondeo has quite an oomph factor, especially when the turbo cuts in.

“Right, just pull in behind him,” Tom instructed.

“What for?”

“Just keep us behind him and listen.” I watched as he pulled out his mobile phone and began dialling a number. He then reported the driver to some organisation which monitors driving. He gave chapter and verse, time and place and so on.

“Okay, girl, show him who’s boss.”

“What do you mean?”

“Pass him and leave him well behind.”

“Wouldn’t it be safer to drop back and let him go?”

“Yes, but I want him to know we’ve reported him.”

“Reported him to whom?”

“There was a number on the back for How’s my driving.”

“I’m sure that’s going to make him behave in future, what will they do, beat him with a wet lettuce?”

“I have no idea, but at least we have responded to the situation.”

“You could have called the police?”

“They probably would have replied, it’s a case of his word against ours, and as no accident happened, only due to your careful driving, they probably wouldn’t do anything.”

“If you tell them, you think you saw a gun in his cab, it might have a more immediate reaction.”

“Cathy, you have a really wicked streak in you.”

“No, if I was being really wicked, I’d have told them he was full of illegal immigrants.”

“That would have been a good one. They’d have searched his truck, which would have delayed him for an hour or two.”

“Yeah, but you have to give your name and address, and they have your phone number. So they can do you for wasting police time.”

“Nice idea, all the same.” Tom had either forgiven me or forgotten. We chatted the rest of the way home.

We stopped at a pub on the way back and I paid for the meals. I had plaice and chips while Tom had chilli con carne. Whilst waiting for our meals, we listened to the local news on telly and both nearly had heart attacks when the lorry which carved us up was on screen.

“Can you turn the sound up a minute?” Tom asked the landlord.

’…The truck was stopped near Portsmouth following an undercover operation by immigration officers and police. Ten illegal stowaways were found amongst the pallets of paint and decorating materials, the truck was carrying. The driver has been arrested and taken into police custody for further questioning. The nationality of the stowaways has not been confirmed as they had disposed of any identity documents or passports before the truck was stopped. However, they are thought to have possibly originated from China.’

“You were closer to the truth than you realised,” said Tom, high fiving me.

“True genius will out, even when I’m not trying, and it’s always accompanied by modesty.” I suspect it was the latter part which caused Tom to inhale his Guinness.

By the time he’d stopped coughing, our meals were ready and I was happy to escape to the table. He took it in good part, so no threats were issued, however, I did notice each time I took a sip of my drink, a diet cola, he tried to say something funny.

We got back at about nine and minutes after we arrived, Simon called to say he was with Stella.

“How is she?” I asked.

“A bit shell shocked as you can imagine. I’m okay, although obviously a bit worried for her, Dad is over the moon, a grandkid at last.”

“Remind him not to expect any from me.”

“I think he is well aware of that situation.”

“Yeah probably. Actually, if Stella keeps well, I think this is a wonderful thing.”

“It’s the if bit that worries me, Babes, especially if recent form is anything to go by.”

“Where is she if you’re running her down, not listening I hope?”

“No, I’m just sat in the car, going back to Dad’s in mo.”

“Well you drive carefully in that speed machine.” I referred to his Jaguar, which I still had to get to drive.

“I always behave myself, it’s you women who cause all the problems on the roads, doing your makeup as you drive.”

“Actually, we had a close call coming back from the clinic, a truck tried to run us off the motorway. Tom phoned up and complained about it. I told him he should have called the police not the firm, and reported that he was carrying illegal immigrants. We had a bite in a pub and lo and behold, the police had pulled him and he was.”

“Was what?”

“Carrying illegal immigrants.”

“You’re joking?”

“I’m not, it’s true. Wait until the papers tomorrow, I’m sure they’ll carry something.”

“If they don’t, do I suspect a rich fantasy life on the part of my fiancée.”

“Go back to your dad’s before I…”

“I’ve seen your right hook, I’m going. Bye.” He rang off.

We had a long way to go with helping Stella take on her most challenging and potentially rewarding role to date. That I was intensely envious, goes without saying, however, my primary hopes were that both mother and baby would stay healthy throughout the pregnancy and delivery.

I knew I’d have some opportunity to practise my babysitting skills, to which I was so looking forward. “If only she had twins, we could have one each,” I said out loud to myself in a flight of fancy.

“You be careful what you say, after tonight, I’m not sure what to think of your predictive powers.”

“I’m only joking, Tom.”

“Yeah, famous last words.”