Cathy uses her loaf....read on.

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad.
part 97.

I sipped the tea the nurse had brought for me, it wasn't the nicest cup I'd tasted, it had the tang of 'institution' where they bulk buy catering packs. I suppose the NHS is a volume consumer and so on. I drank it anyway, the doctor was still with my dad, so I couldn't do anything anyway.

I just wanted to see him to tell him how much I loved him, in case it was the last opportunity I had. I'd nearly missed out with my mother, seeing her moments before she died. I hoped I would have more time with my dad.

I felt very alone. When I looked at things I had very few friends, none really. I knew people in uni, like my prof and the techies but none of the students were really friends of mine. I'd kept the world at arm's length because I didn't want them to know what I was. I'm not sure if that was shame or fear, probably both.

Now I had Simon and Stella, sort of as friends. I didn't know how long that would last once Simon got to know what a freak I was. He'd probably be gone before I finished the sentence.

Stella was a little better because she knew me for what I was, a crazy mixed up tranny, a boy-girl, a nothing! I felt the world was such a cruel place. It had created me as a freak, taken away my mother before I could really talk with her and was threatening to do the same with my father. How much more could I take? If it took Simon, which the law of averages seemed to suggest it would, I would be on my own completely. Transsexuals it seems walk a lonely path, yet it's one we are compelled by our own psyches to wander.

"Are you okay?" asked a woman's voice.

"Yeah, I'm okay, thank you."

"You seemed far away."

"I was, my mother died here a few weeks ago, looks like history might be repeating itself."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."

"You're not." I tried to smile, it was difficult. How much longer was the doctor going to be?

"Your mother died here, on this ward?"

"No, in coronary care, I think."

"Ah, I thought I would have recognised you."

"Why?"

"I have a good memory for faces."

For one horrible moment I thought she had rumbled me, or was going to come on to me. Thankfully she didn't, so my blood pressure returned to normal.

"Miss Watts, the doctor is just coming out, do you want to speak with him?"

"Oh please."

"I'll get him." She dashed out and spoke with him as I put my cup down on the desk. He followed her back to the sister's office.

"Hello," he said in a deep baritone, a wonderful voice like plain chocolate.

"Hello doctor, how is my dad?"

He shook his head, "Not good I'm afraid. I suspect he has a clot somewhere in the vessels supplying the brain stem. I've got him on heparin, but as it's the second episode in two weeks, it doesn't look good. Depending on how well he is tomorrow or the next day, I'll try and get him scanned so we have a better idea of the damage. He's unconscious and I've sedated him anyway to keep down his blood pressure. You can go and see him, but I don't know if he can hear you."

"How soon will you know how bad things are?"

"Two or three days will give us a better idea, plus if we can organise a scan, it will give a much clearer picture."

"Do I have to prepare myself for bad news?"

"I don't know, possibly. Sometimes they make amazing recoveries, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, it doesn't happen very often."

"I'm supposed to be starting a PhD in Portsmouth....."

"Oh!" he shrugged, "You have to decide your own priorities. He may be as good as he was before, he may die, he may be in a coma for weeks. I can't say. Depends upon how much brain death has occurred. What are you studying?"

"I'm a zoologist, doing studies on dormice."

"Lovely little animals."

"I think so."

He looked at his watch, "Sorry, I have to see another patient yet, then I am going for a well earned pint. If you want to have a chat, I shall be in the 'Southmead' for an hour or so."

"Thank you, I might well take you up on that."

"Go and see your dad, but I honestly wouldn't think of staying here for hours, he won't wake up for ages, the sedative will ensure that and it will also reduce the risk of a huge headache I suspect he will have when and if he comes to. They'll call you if there's any change."

"Thanks."

He winked and nodded, "My pleasure," then he left.

The nurse came up to me and said, "Look it's none of my business, but if he invited you out for a drink be careful, he has a reputation as a womaniser."

"Oh does he?" my hopes for some company faded. Was I so naive that I walked into it all the time, couldn't see the trees let alone the wolves hiding behind everyone of them? I walked over to my father's bed and pulled back the curtain.

He looked so small, with drips in both arms and his face drooping on one side, I barely recognised him as the man who had thrown me about so easily and beaten me so badly. Now he'd have difficulty standing, if he survived the next couple of days.

I leaned across the bed and kissed him on the cheek and thought he responded slightly. It was probably my imagination, I stroked his face and spoke to him.

"Hello Daddy, it's me Cathy. I got the bread machine, so as soon as you feel up to it I'll make you some fresh bread and bring it in while it's still warm. How's that for an offer? And if you're good, I might make you some onion soup as well." I held his hand, it felt cold compared to my warm skin and my tears dripped onto the bed linen.

I sat eventually, feeling exhausted and depressed. I was talking absolute rubbish to him, telling him about recipes for cakes, about my bike and the race, about the car and finally about Simon and Stella. I didn't say what my relationship was with them other than good friends. If he could hear me and process what I was saying, then telling him I had slept with my boyfriend might give him another stroke.

I could live with the fact that my cooking had hastened his demise but not that my very existence had. He might believe more in Deuteronomy than equal rights, but he was still my dad and I had to respect him. More than that, I wanted to respect him.

I woke up with my head resting on the bed, I was still holding his hand and the nurse was looking through the curtain, "Why don't you go home Miss Watts, he's going to sleep for quite a while. If there's any change, we'll let you know."

I yawned and nodded, "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll go and get some sleep." I gave her my mobile number and walked slowly out to my car. I felt sick with tiredness and trauma. I looked back at the hospital, I hated the place but was tied to it for the moment.

As I opened the front door, the aroma of fresh bread assailed my senses. Suddenly I felt hungry and after putting on the kettle took the new loaf out of the machine. I felt a bit like a midwife delivering a new life, except this was a new loaf and it looked very eatable.

In not many minutes later, I was tucking into warm bread and a hunk of cheese washed down with cups of tea. The bread was delicious.

I glanced at my watch and as it was only ten o'clock, I called Simon.

"Hi Simon, Dad's had another stroke."

"Damn, how is he?"

"Dunno if he's asleep or unconscious."

"When was this?"

"A few hours ago, I haven't long got home."

"Do you want to cancel saturday?"

"I think I'd better."

"Okay. Do you want me to come up?"

"I don't know. I'd love to see you but who know's what will happen."

"Okay, I'll drive up on friday night."

"If you want to, I can't promise what sort of company I'll be."

"I don't care, but it sounds like you could do with someone to look after you."

"The chance would be a fine thing."

"Well, that's a challenge I can't dismiss."

"What is?"

"Never you mind."

"Look Simon, we still need to talk, there is something I need to tell you."

"It's kept this long, so a bit longer won't make any difference will it? Let's see how your father is first, then how you are and how I am, and take it from there."

"Are you always this sensible?"

"Who me, not generally why?"

"Why now?"

"Because I care about you."

"What if I don't deserve your care?"

"Isn't that for me to decide?"

"Maybe?"

"Look my little blossom, I cannot for the life of me imagine what this dreadful secret is which seems to hold so much power over your life. But once things have calmed down a bit, we'll have it out and hopefully then I can show you it doesn't matter one single iota."

"If I had a single wish, that is what I would ask for." I felt tears in my eyes again.

"Well, you have and I just made it come true. Do you feel any different?"

"Simon, you are such a fool," I felt myself sniffing, "but I can't help love you."

"See it worked, you are different."

"You fool," I laughed and cried at the same time.

"That's me the stupidest sage in Christendom."

I stopped for a moment, wondering what he was on about. It didn't compute. "What are you on about?"

"Well one of my ancestors was described as the 'Wisest fool in Christendom,' so I thought maybe I was the opposite."

"Who was that?"

"Who was what?"

"Your ancestor?"

"Oh it was a long time ago."

"What was?"

"Exactly." He was obfuscating now and I didn't know why.

"Didn't they say something like that about king James, as in Authorised Version."

"I do believe they did, my ancestor was also a James Stuart."

"Oh I do apologise your highness," I mocked.

"What for?"

"I should have curtsied when I picked up the phone."

"You mean you didn't?"

"Sorry, I completely forgot without seeing your regalia."

"My regalia are in fine fettle, but thanks for asking."

"You are silly," I smiled down the phone at him.

"I'm in love, dear girl," he said sounding like Noel Coward.

"I'd better go, I baked some bread this evening and I have to wash the machine thingy."

"You have a bread maker?"

"Yes, why?"

"Can you do me some bread on friday?"

"I should think so, what time will you be here?"

"About eight I expect."

"Assuming nothing untoward has happened I'd be finishing at the hospital about then anyway."

"Sounds good to me. How are you for money?"

"I'm okay, I've got access to Dad's at the moment."

"It might be an idea to get some more out in case anything happens, because they'll just close the account."

"Oh hell, I hadn't thought of that."

"Get some tomorrow, and the next day if he has enough to stand it, withdraw the maximum."

"Yes, I'll try and sort it out."

"Okay, goodnight then. If you need me, I'm only a phone call away."

"Thank you, that means a lot to me."

"You mean a lot to me sweetheart. Kiss kiss."

I replaced the receiver and felt a mixture of emotions. Here I was talking to one of the most wonderful men on the planet, with whom I was desperately in love although I felt unworthy of it. Terrified about what was going to happen when I revealed my secret, and worried sick about my father, who could quite easily die in the next few days. I cleaned my teeth and went to my bed and as tired as I was I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing images of the two men in my life, who it seemed were destined to leave me. I cried at one point and eventually exhaustion caused my eyes to shut and my mind to switch off.