The emotional roller coaster continues, read on.....

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad & Bonzi Cat,
part 78.

My experience of men and I suppose boys, was mostly negative. They either jeered at me or beat me up. Standing here with Simon, I began to realise that he might have similar experiences with women, albeit, with less physical violence.

"You are so different from all the other women I've dated, Cathy."

At this sort of statement the warning lights flashed a little, "What do you mean different? Is it my two heads that give it away?" I tried not to probe too deeply in case he starts thinking. After all he wasn't entirely stupid, even if he was a man.

Simon chuckled, "Nah, I like the two heads except when they give me three opinions." I smiled at this, which for Simon was almost funny. "No it's more about your attitude."

Oops! Am I doing things more like a boy then? "What do you mean?"

"You're about the only one I've met who seems to be honest and not take me for a ride."

I blushed at honesty and felt a guilty need to cover it up, "No, I'm just a better class of liar." I smiled a false smile clicking my front teeth together.

"Nearly all the women with whom I've been out, seemed to delight in messing me up in some way. Until you came into my life, I'd almost taken a vow of solitary celibacy, especially when Stella took up with that doctor fellow."

"What do you mean messing you about?"

"Belittleling me or trying to question my masculinity. You know the sort of things you girls can do to a bloke."

I didn't but I nodded anyway, "Why do you think they did that to you?" I sounded like a student counsellor.

"Because they could? I don't know. I would shower them in gifts because I liked them and then, they'd either become gold-diggers and I'd ditch them, or they put me down and move on. One of them stuck all the stuff I'd given her on Ebay under the title of, 'Presents from a dickhead.'

"I don't understand why anyone would do that to you." I still had my hands on his shoulders.

"They all do it, I half expect you will too eventually." He looked at the floor and I think I saw a tear drip on to it.

"I think I can say that I won't. I have issues about men, but I don't go trying to revenge myself. It would show that I have the problem not them."

"Yeah, but maybe I do have the problem, as they all did it to me. They can't all be wrong can they?"

"Simon, I can't answer for any or all of the others, but I can speak for myself. I think you are a gentleman in all senses of that word and have been a great support and help to me, for which I am truly grateful. Without the car you loaned me, coming up to see my dad would have been much more difficult."

I pulled him to me and hugged him tightly, feeling his arms encircle me and hold me. Then he bent and rested his head on my shoulder, whispering, "See you are different."

In more ways than you think mate! "No I'm not, or if I am maybe it's because I know similar sorts of abuse from others, myself. Yes maybe I am different, but then so are you. When I said I didn't want a sexual relationship, you agreed to it. Not many men of our age would, unless they were hoping to change my mind later. I feel safe with you Simon, so you must be different." Shit! Why didn't I say I didn't want sex even if he is different?

"Thank you, I won't betray that trust. When you are ready maybe we can have a full relationship, but only when you are ready." I felt a wetness on my shoulder, he was crying.

So was I, jeez, why do I bother with makeup, I don't need waterproof mascara, I need one approved for deep sea divers!

I snuggled against him holding him tightly. His body shook very gently as he cried on my shoulder, and I rubbed his back making a cooing sounds.

"I'm sorry," he blubbed, "maybe they are right and I'm not much of a man. Look at me weeping like a girl."

Whilst I suppose I could have worked an opportunity to tell him about myself, I felt it would be even more traumatic for him, he was already upset. I needed to do it when he was more calm and collected, preferably after a good meal.

"There is nothing wrong with crying, it isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of deep emotion." Thank you Dr Freud!

"I'd better go, before I make a fool of myself." He went to break away from me.

"I thought you trusted me?" I asked reluctantly letting him go.

"I do," he replied looking hurt.

"So how are you going make a fool of yourself?"

"I usually do."

"So?"

"Well do I need to say more?"

"Yes you do, because nothing you have said or done makes you appear anything like a fool in my eyes."

He sneaked a look at me, but I couldn't hold his gaze and his eyes went back to staring at the floor.

"Don't you feel safe with me?"

"Of course I do."

"So do you think I'm going to let you make a fool of yourself or profit from it?"

"I suppose not."

"So why do you need to go?"

"Erm, I don't know, I just wanted to run away in case I couldn't cope. Your opinion is important to me and I didn't want you to think I was such a prat."

"Simon, please look at me." The words were forming in my mouth by themselves, I had no control over what I was saying, it was pure emotion and I could feel his pain so deeply. At the same time I didn't feel it was my job to stop his pain only to facilitate his dealing with it. We may never be an item, but I could help him do better with his next effort.

His eyes slowly moved up from the floor and it seemed with some difficulty gazed into mine. "Simon, I think I am falling for you in a big way. I am never going to hurt you."

Oh my God, what have I said? My treacherous mouth seemed to be on auto-pilot. He took a moment to process what I had said, thank goodness I didn't use the 'L' word, but it was pretty well implicit in what I'd said.

He stared at me for a moment, then he dragged me to him and hugged me so tight that I could hardly breathe, and then he really burst into tears, sobbing, his whole body heaving. I lightly patted his back and tried to comfort him.

We stood like that for several minutes, my shoulder was quite wet when we finished. I handed him a piece of kitchen roll to wipe his face. "Come on sit down and I'll make us a nice cuppa."

He nodded his assent and sat at the kitchen table. He looked exhausted and I didn't feel much better myself, but I had to be strong for him. This was his crisis and he needed me to help him through it. When I did eventually tell him, he'd probably have another but that would be different, now he needed me to be there and to concentrate on his troubles.

I watched him staring into space, a faraway look in his eyes. I suspected he was remembering something or perhaps projecting into the future. Whatever it was, he wasn't here with me for those few minutes. I made some tea and passed him a mug, he made some grunting noise which I suppose was a thanks but he didn't really recognise what was happening.

I sat opposite and held his hands, he looked at me smiled and went back to his reverie. Finally, he looked hard at me and said very quietly, "Thank you Cathy."

"I looked deeply into his eyes and asked, "Was it always that difficult with your mother?"

He nodded and squeezed my hands, "How do you know?"

"I didn't, a guess or maybe some feminine intuition, I don't know."
Shit I'm a scientist, intuition shouldn't come into it. I'm a trained observer, okay of small furry things, but I always know how to find them, even when others can't. Is that intuition, or just experience and learned skill?

This was getting way too deep for me but I couldn't pull out now.

"Thank you," he said and slumped exhausted in the chair.