"In the navy..."

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad & T. Hardy
part:hanner cant pedwar.

By the time Stella arrived I had showered and dried my hair, and popped on a little makeup. She hugged me as she came through the door having deposited her dress bag and holdall on the threshold.

I was wearing jeans and a tee shirt, which was my first mistake. "Right get those off, put the enhancer padding in your bra, come along we haven't got all night." I wasn't so much shepherded as frogmarched into the room and disrobed.

While I did her bidding, she proceeded to unzip the dress bag which was now occupying most of my bed. "You could do with a dolly or teddy or something on your bed," she fished about in the holdall, "here, courtesy of Simon."

"Does he know about this?" I asked accepting the soft toy. It was pink lion, which turned out to be a nightdress case.

"Of course he does, I told him you needed one, he asked me to get it."

"Usual commission?"

"But of course, he'll think I'm going soft otherwise."

"You're awfully mean to him sometimes," I said pouting and cuddling my new little friend.

"Sometimes, my God, what am I doing wrong, it's supposed to be all the time. Damn, if he notices, I'm lost." She draped her forearm over her face and pretended to cry. I couldn't help but giggle, she did a moment later after berating me for lack of sympathy.

The giggle fit lasted a few moments and I wondered which of us was the more crazy. Officially, it should be me because I'm the one seeing the shrink, however, I'm told the sign of true madness is not being aware of it, so I'll leave you make up your own minds.

"You have quite a reasonable shape for a new woman," offered Stella looking me up and down.

"Only because I just put pads in the bra," I said defensively.

"Okay, your boobs could do with being bigger, but I meant your waist hip ratio is not too bad, all that cycling I suppose."

"I dunno," I said shrugging my shoulders, "I've always had a fairly small waist, getting trousers was a nightmare when I went to school. I finally managed to get Mum to let me buy my own, I bought some unisex, girl's ones. They were slightly too big in the bum, but fitted better than the boy's ones."

"I'll bet the female ones fit better now," Stella made me turn around.

"Yeah, a bit." I twirled.

"Small but perfectly formed," she smiled at me.

"There's no need to get personal," I blushed my hand dropping to hide my relatively flat crotch.

"I meant your arse, deary."

"Oh, I erm.." I blushed very red, I was sure of it.

"Goodness, no I wouldn't make remarks about that, your little deformity, that's a medical condition."

"It is?" I gasped.

"Yes, vagina - inverticus."

"What?"

"It sticks out when it should go in."

"You are crazy!"

"And proud of it. Now, put this on." She handed me a navy skirt in a very fine woollen material. It was cut on the bias and deflected attention away from my small hips. Next was a matching camisole in silk, which after I had pulled on she offered me the jacket.

I slipped my arms into the sleeves and did up the two buttons on its waist. The jacket was flared over the hips and quite shaped at the waist. There were no lapels, the neck and front were embroidered navy lace. It was beautiful. I stood before the mirror and was transfixed by it.

"It's absolutely beautiful," I said almost in a trance.

"It is on you sweetie, a bit softer than the pin stripe?"

"Absolutely." I think I mumbled something along those lines, I was still astonished by her exquisite taste in clothing.

"So, will it do?"

"Absolutely," I muttered, why change a winning line?

"Okay, what shoes are you going to wear?"

"I have some black ones," I snapped out of my trance and showed her my new shoes.

"No, it has to be navy or a complete contrast. If we were going to a happy occasion, I'd have said red and suggested a red cami, but it's a sad occasion so we need navy."

"Not too much navy is it?" I dared to question my fashion consultant.

"Not for a sad occasion, the object is to look smart without drawing too much attention to yourself. As a close relative, there will be attention anyway, depending upon how your father wants to play it. If they were expecting a son, there will be quite a lot of attention, so you need to look smart but confident, hence navy rather than black. You're bending the rules in all sorts of ways without being disrespectful to your mother's memory."

"That's amazing Stella, I'd never have thought of that."

"I only just did, can you get some shoes tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I suppose so. Any suggestions?"

"A court shoe, it is a formal occasion. Don't go for too high a heel in case we have to literally cut and run."

"What do you mean?"

"What happens if the natives or your father for that matter cuts up rough at your new appearance?"

"Ah, erm.. I don't know, what happens?"

"We get the hell out of there at the double. Get yourself a small navy bag too, enough for a small purse, hankies and a lipstick. You won't need a shopping bag, this is a dressy occasion, so small bag. Got it?"

"I think so."

"Make up, needs to be enough to make you look different from Charlie but not enough to look obvious. I'll do it before we go, get yourself a waterproof brown mascara while you're out tomorrow and a blonde eyebrow pencil."

"Blonde?"

"Yes it's actually light brown, so we could use it as an eyeliner."

"Gosh, I'd never have thought of that," I was in awe of my friend.

"I've been doing this a bit longer than you, that's all. I also have extremely good taste and such modesty." She sniggered and I chuckled.

"How can I thank you?" I said shaking my head.

"Well you can give me fifty quid for the suit and camisole, is that all right?"

"Yes, is that enough?"

"Not if you were buying it new, but it is second hand."

"I hardly looks as if it's been worn," I remarked taking it off carefully.

"It hasn't, I bought it then went off it. Good job Simon paid for it."

"Isn't that extravagant?"

"What to spend three hundred on dress?" She saw my mouth gape open, "This wasn't that dear." My mouth closed in relief. "It was only two hundred and ninety nine pounds ninety nine pence."

"What!"

"It's a year old, for goodness sake stop being so precious about it, it's only pile of cloth. If you wear it at least it's getting some use for that money, if you don't I'll either sell it to a dress agency or give to Oxfam. You choose."

"I should give you more than fifty," I protested.

"Look Cathy, you have still to buy a bag and some shoes. Do they wear hats in your church?"

"It isn't my church, I've had nothing to do with them for years. Some people do, others don't."

"I brought this navy scarf, just in case, keep it in your bag."

"You've thought of everything, thank you so much." I hugged her and felt a tear drip down my face.

"Hey, why are you crying?"

"I'm overwhelmed by your kindness."

"I always wanted a younger sister not a big brother. I didn't get one, so you are my little sister substitute. The big brother has, I have to admit, proved to be very useful, so I'm not complaining."

"And I needed a big sister or a mentor," I said smiling at her.

"Exactly, so we're all satisfied."

"Except Simon," I said blushing.

"Oh he's okay, he's such a romantic, unrequited love suits him perfectly and is useful for me."

I shook my head in disbelief. I knew she was making light of her affection for him, she'd probably kill to protect him and he for her. I was glad to know them, not for their largesse, but their kindness. They were two of the nicest people on the planet and apart from Stella's driving, wonderful role models.