Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad
part 49.

I switched off my phone, I was so upset I just sobbed to myself for maybe half an hour. I didn't know with whom to discuss this. Several names went through my mind, including Stella and the professor. I suppose the advice of Dr Thomas would be the most valuable, but she wouldn't be available until tomorrow. If men are able to compartmentalise their thinking, I certainly didn't make the grade because I couldn't switch off.

I kept wondering if I'd done the right thing, but he sounded so pathetic and I couldn't stand to think of this once proud man reduced to such levels. He was still my father and I know my mother would have wanted me to try to keep some sort of relationship with him. I felt guilty about that too, that I hadn't really said goodbye to her.

Lots of silly things ran through my mind, maybe I should try and find a medium and see if I could talk to her, but I didn't really believe in all that stuff. Would she forgive me for being what I am, a disappointment to both of them. I felt so down, so helpless and worthless, a sobbing piece of rubbish.

Reluctantly I went to bed, covering the pillow with a towel in case my tears made it to wet. I knew I wouldn't sleep, and I didn't for some hours, but I was resting and horizontal.

I lay there thinking about the brief meeting at the hospital, did he recognise me, of course he did. After all it wasn't that long since he had seen me, and a bit of makeup and hair cut wouldn't hide my main facial features. I felt sad again and cried some more, I would never see my mother again and that hurt. Thinking about it was like scratching a wound to make it bleed, but somehow the pain felt real, more real than anything else in my life at that moment. I was tempted to cut myself to make the pain physical rather mental, because it might be easier to bear.

The idea of watching my own blood run from my arm or leg seemed to capture me for some little while. I visualised cutting myself with something very sharp, like a razor blade or a scalpel, I had one somewhere. The blood oozed down my arm but it wasn't fast enough and I cut longer and deeper. It still wasn't fast enough so I nicked a vein. Now it started to flow, I cut it some more and now it was really flowing. I ran the scalpel up the blood vessel and blood was now pouring everywhere, there was little pain but I felt my life force pooling out on the bathroom floor. I felt a bit light-headed and sat down, blood still running everywhere including all over me.

I was becoming covered in my own blood, it was warm and sticky and I was dying, even in my befuddled shocked brain, I knew what was happening and I didn't care. It was a release and soon I'd be free as my life force ran away soaking into the carpet and my clothes.

In my stupor I saw my mother standing before me, she was not best pleased. "Just look at this mess Catherine, who is going to clean it up?"

I smiled back, because I was too weak to talk. I felt embarrassed but it wouldn't be for long.

"What do you think you are doing to yourself? What about all your plans, your ambitions, your romance with that young man? If you die now, how are you going to realise all these things and what is Professor Agnew going to think about you?"

I was dying but her words hit me like red hot sparks and I felt the pain. Yet I was too weak to reply to defend myself. How could she say these things to me, she was my mother and I loved her? How could she hurt me like this?

"Who is going to look after Derek (my father) if you die? Don't you know it's a daughter's duty to look after her father if her mother isn't there? So Catherine, are you going to disappoint me as a daughter like you did as a son?"

I struggled to stay conscious to listen to what she was saying, desperately fighting to answer her back, to say what I felt and to defend myself. Why should I care for my father, he didn't care for me? My mouth remained paralysed and I sat there slumped in my chair as the blood flow eased a little, presumably because there wasn't too much left to leak out of me.

"You know your father and I love you even though you seem to think otherwise? He tried to control himself but you made him so angry, he so badly wanted a son to carry on his name so when he discovered he had a daughter he was angry. He's angry with himself you know for not controlling his feelings, and we as women should forgive him. Men aren't as strong as women, they give into their feelings much more easily than we do. But then it's not going to bother you for much longer is it, because you're coming to join me IN HELL!"

Suddenly her face changed into that of a skull, the hair and skin peeling off and two monstrous creatures dragged her away, I could hear her screams and their maniacal laughter. It was horrible.

Then I looked up and two of the monsters were coming towards me, they reached out towards me and with one last effort I screamed and flailed away from them. I fell on the bedroom floor and the radio alarm clock hit me on the shoulder as it fell off the bedside cabinet.
I was sticky with sweat and my heart was beating like mad.

It took me a few moments to realise I'd had a nightmare, a really nasty one, so I must have fallen asleep. Picking myself up off the floor and returning the radio to its place, I went out on shaky legs to make a cup of tea, boy did I need it.