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Chapter 11

I stared at Taylor.

Did he just ask me what I though he just asked me?

God that look on his face.

He did.

He asked him to marry me…oops…

He asked me to marry him.

He asked me to marry him!

Then the though of who, what I am, what he is and all my issues of self bubble up.

“Uhm..Taylor…, I’m, I’m you know…”

“You’re the woman I love.”

“Yeah, but I’m not…”

“You are, and we can.”

“We can?”

“Yes, it’s been legal since 2005.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it oh?”

“I’m sorry it’s just so unexpected Tay.”

“Jenna…please, I love you…and…and…I need this, we..need this.”

I look at him and he’s looking hurt right now, I think he gets why I just didn’t girl out but he…I finally clue in. Taylor doesn’t have anybody. And the way things could go medically there’s nobody to be there to speak for him. If anything happened I wouldn’t have any rights. I wouldn’t even be family they’d put me out or at best I’d be labeled as a visitor. I lean over a little and kiss him long and slow. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, Taylor Winters I’ll marry you.”

“Yes, you’re saying yes?”

I roll my eyes at him. “Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes, all over again in another life yes!”

He rolls over on top of me and starts to kiss me. We really start getting into it and get a bit carried away before the pain in my arm slows me down. I’ve got a few tears of pain in my eyes as we nuzzle each other and he’s giving me quiet sorry’s between his kisses.

I lean against his as we cuddle and I drift off in his arms a bit before lunchtime comes around. I’m still tiring out easily and weak plus like I’ve said sporting a smurfy tan. But being sore all over my body and a messed up arm just doesn’t hurt as bad right now. I’m sleepily staring at the ring on my finger. I’m engaged…I love him, I love him so much but I’m engaged…wow.

Taylor nuzzles and slowly kisses the back of my neck., smells my skin. I love that…there’s a deep thing that is part of intimacy that you like/love your partners scent or smell. It’s why it’s so hard when you lose a SO or wife, husband and you get to that point where their scent starts to fade. Scent is intimate and when it fades it’s like losing a part of them again. It makes me think about other things that we’re going to need to deal with. I play with the ring and his hands and fingers. I’m going to by one of those vacuum sealing bag kits and seal some stuff up…I know it’s crazy, it sounds crazy and I should be bouncy happy over the moon but I can’t, I just …I’m in love with him so much but I’m worried.

I’m playing with the ring and he whispers in my ears.

“It was my mom’s ring, her mum’s before that too.”

“Tay…oh my god Tay…”

I’m getting choked up thinking of just how much this means, just how really personal this is. I’m wearing his mother’s engagement ring. It’s got to be one of the few things, few treasures of his life before they died.

“Taylor this is, this is so…are you sure you want me to have this? This is your mom’s.”

He smiles and turns my face up to his. “Jenna, I might not know much, or had my family that long but I know my mom, she’d have loved you. She’d have wanted you to have it.”

Then he kisses me.

I really love stuff like this, moments like this. There’s something really so amazing about it. I never had these when James was with anyone because James couldn’t feel things like this. I feel plugged into the universe. I feel loved and cherished and I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world. We do this, kissing, holding, necking with each other until with a small knock on my door and dad and my grandparents are there again with another basket.

“Hey guys…Uhm we need to tell you guys something.”

They sort of smile as they come in and Grandma puts the basket of stuff on the sliding table. “Oh, really honey, what’s that?” my dad raises an eyebrow in question but just sips at his coffee, grand dad just looks interested.

I hold out the hand with the ring on it, I can’t help it but I do it just like any other stereotyped girl even shaking it a little. “I’m engaged!” The whole thing comes out a little squealy. Grandma hugs me and so does dad and gramps. “Congratulations sweetie.” she beams and dad grins “Good for you baby girl.” Gramps frowns a bit. “You to are gonna have to get a city hall wedding with the stuff going on with Taylor and all.” Both Tay and I are nodding.

“We know, but it’s okay I mean it’ll give us rights and options that we won’t have otherwise.”

“That’s a good idea you guys, it’s good to be ready for things.”

“You guys don’t seem too shocked or uhm surprised.”

Gramps smiles at me and he’s looking at Taylor.

“Well punkin, this young man of yours has got himself a fine set of manners and such on him and he felt it was only proper that he ask your dad for your hand in marriage before he popped the question to you. It was a nice thing to see If you ask me, Me and your gran was right there when he did.”

“He did that..?”

“You asked my dad if you could marry me?” I turn around to look at him.

“Uhm, yeah…I just wanted to do this right. I didn’t want to…” I kiss him sweetly.

“God…Taylor Winter’s I swear you are the most romantic, amazing guy in the world.”

He nuzzles me. “You make it really easy honey.”

Dinner’s good with homemade fried chicken that grand-ma made. I’m really getting into the idea of good food. There’s the fact I’ve never really had “Good” food at home but going without once I’ve been out on my own. If we can get passed the things we need to, if we can do that then maybe I might get my GED and then try to go to a culinary school or something. The fact that I’ve got my 10th grade in school and everyone I knew is graduating next year…it bothers me.

I really like the chicken, and there’s mashed potatoes in these baked potato skins and green beans cut into ribbons and cooked with somekind of greens or couple of different kinds of green and cornbread or corncake for desert. Okay I really like that…sliced in half with some real butter on it and a drizzle of honey…dad and Taylor put a bit of molasses on theirs. I love the fact they share that. I love the fact that My dad and gramps are being there for Taylor too. He hasn’t had anyone for so long.

My afternoon becomes busy with me going for a scan to check my lungs and eight days in a coma let’s some stuff heal up pretty good. I’m lightly tested on the treadmill because of my injuries so it’s more of a walking test about my lung function. Then they check my shoulder and sutures before clearing me to leave after an hour of grueling physio-therapy.

I’m sent to my endocrinologist and my doctor in charge of my transitioning. I like them both and they’ve both been in to see me while I was out of it and had talked over my case with my dad who was in charge of my medical decisions. It’s mostly a check up and to see where my head is at and where my body is at and to set up an appointment schedule. I get more blood taken and then a series of shots and a new prescription for better meds and vitamins and a few dietary supplements she wants me to try. We’re both tired but then it’s off to an appointment with Taylor’s team of doctors and they take more blood from him, they run him through another CAT and something called a PET scan. They put him through something on the computer that he’s got to listen to and point and click at sometimes.

He really can’t stand this. The lab work was making him shiver with each poke of the needle. It’s hard to watch like watching an animal dealing with someone it knows is going to beat it. The scanners were like hell for him. I try to help him by holding his hand but I’m not allowed. At best they let me in the room with him and I can talk him through it. Taylor’s got tears in his eyes leaking out when they pulled him out of the scanner.

It’s late after we’re done and we leave the hospital and drive home stopping at a place that Taylor likes and pick up a bunch of pizza’s for everyone. I’m a big fan of pizza, I like all kinds too as long as it’s not crappy quality. I’ve had deep dish that I like and thin crust that I like. I’m not a snob when it comes to that. I know it’s bread and grease and bad for me but I don’t care. I order my favorite combination a pizza with extra sauce (That’s important to have it cold.) spicy Italian sausage and double pepperoni onions if their really thin sliced.(I ask to see them first.) and extra cheese. Taylor’s feeling better grinning a bit at me as I order and me sipping a strawberry flavored milk. He orders three with everything, a veggie supreme, a cheese pizza and garlic fingers. He orders the slaughterhouse which is a meat lovers pizza that has hamburger, actually he gets extra hamburger and bacon and ham…(Not Canadian bacon, there isn’t Canadian bacon really, we eat bacon like they do in the states in long slices. I’ve got no idea why they came up with that but it’s a peeve of mine.)…sorry. Yeah all that plus pepperoni, salami and sausage plus onions, peppers and mushrooms and extra cheese. It’s huge, I swear it’s a serious solid inch thick.

Ooooh they do a neat trick. They cookie sheet the meats to brown them and throw the pizza skin on the flat-top to get it extra crispy before slapping it together then tossing it into the oven. I’m stealing that trick for the diner.

It is so good to be home. It’s that good to be home I’m crying and hugging Tay around the waist. We’re surprised when Holly and Nin and Billy, Davey, Tim and the kids and a few of the other friends of Taylor’s I haven’t met yet plus Angie who is this kick ass nurse who dealt with this real asshole of a cop during the whole ER situation and her daughter Hunter who’s just like me…Hunter more than passes, I couldn’t ever tell she’s not a tween girl. We have a really great little party with dad and my grand-parents there and we have the whole engagement announcement all over again and it’s a lot of fun for me as I get swept up into the moment and the whole excitement of it and we did the girls tour of the upstairs because Taylor and Tim and Davey plus dad and Billy had done wonders with the place while I was out of it. I’m as blown away as the girls are as we talk and laugh and giggle and just have fun.

The bathroom is finished or refinished with a separate shower stall and a nice big claw footed tub and a large long counter with enough room for both our stuff. Our bed room hasn’t changed but we’ve got a nice kitchenette acrossed the hall and it’s got an archway joining it to a living room with the TV and stuff are at. The hall is set up like another sort of living room with a bunch of shelves and loveseats and a long Turkish styled carpet that goes with the dark wood click flooring, lovely molding and the place just looks amazing. We’re really enjoying ourselves and Angie is great and funny and tough and the fact she’s so supportive to her daughter Hunter is really cool.

And Hunter I loved having her here. There was this expression going on her face during the night like she was just blown away. That she was seeing a girl just like her actually doing it. Having the dream I guess. I see her looking at my place and the ring and my friends and family and I see her watching me and Taylor…a lot. I can see her thinking, I know she’s already had it hard, there’s no mention of her dad as we all got to know each other. I can see her thinking that maybe, just maybe it’s possible. That she can have what I’ve got. I know I’m lucky, I know there’s a lot of hell that I’ve gone through and still might go through but you know what? If Hunter gets even a glimmer of hope out of it then I’m not going to tell her any different.

If she can see me and get some hope out of it even though I’m just as lost as anyone else can be about myself and my life. Then good, she’s a good, no great kid.

Kid…Huh?

Since when did I get to be or feel so old? I’m sure my poor battered and bruised body might be helping me with that. It could be the fact that I’m seventeen, a high-school drop up a pre-op transexual who’s engaged to be married to a twenty year old guy that might not wake up tomorrow because he’s got a brain tumor.

Nope, no reason for me to feel like I’m about a hundred.

I’m kind of introspective still about it when we see everyone out and lock up then retire for the night. Taylor asks me what’s wrong and I lean against him and kiss him in little kisses as we head upstairs. “No nothing hon, just thinking about everything I guess.”

“Any regrets?, second thoughts?”

“No, It really seems like a lot of stuff’s happened in a short time. I’m just processing it all.”

“I get that babe. It is all happening fast, but time’s not really on our side is it?”

“Tay, they said the tests aren’t really definitive yet.”

“Yeah I know.”

“That’s a huge difference than the last prognosis you were given.”

“They also told us Jen to not get our hopes up.”

“I’m not going to give up on you Taylor.”

“Thank you…Jenna…god thank you.”

We take a bath together with candles and our romantic stuff we’ve got downloaded on the stereo. I lean into him and enjoy the soak with him, there’s bath salts in the water that do wonders for my bruises and we wash each other really gently with so much care and love and the candlelight we end up making love again.

Me on top straddling him, really taking our time. I mean really, just really into the whole thing. Slow great sex that does the trick for me twice and him too. Yes the sex is great but it’s making love in the bath and washing each others hair while we are at it and kissing and looking deeply into each others eyes until we get to that place were there’s a body but isn’t a body but just really the soul there…not two bodies doing carnal things but two souls touching, sparking together.

We get out get uhm settled and we are really all pruned from the way too long bath and yet just right for what it was and that’s making love in the tub until the water got cold. I rub some rose oil into my skin and his to sooth our skin and dab on a bit of powder before slipping into this big comfy flannel guy’s nightshirt with Woodstock from peanuts all over it and simple cotton panties. It’s really nice sliding into the bed, our bed with a sigh, It feels like home to me. I love the feel of it, the feel of him and shimmy around to get comfy before spooning with him.

I’m nearly asleep when he kisses the back of my neck. “Jenna?”

“Yeah, honey?”

“Back at the hospital, when I was freaking out in the machines…”

“Uh huh, It’s okay Tay. I get it.”

“N..no..It’s…(He takes a deep shaky breath.) It’s after the car wreck…I…I remember the glass exploding into the car…the blood, then smoke, there was so much smoke and metal all around me and things hurt…Then I woke up again in the machine, I’m in the machine and I’m all alone strapped to the board thing not able to move and all I can hear is the banging of the thing and the people in that room talking…saying that my mom and dad were dead…”

God he was just a kid…I roll over despite him holding me and look at him. Taylor’s eyes are reddened and full of tears. His face is just missing that tough I can handle it expression that’s almost a part of who he usually is. He’s hurting, and he’s scared and every time he’s in there he’s being taken right back to that night of the car crash and his parents getting killed. He went through how much of this when he fought the cancer the first time? He’s been told he’s a dead man and thought he had made his peace with it…And he’s doing it again for me.

I’m humbled by his love for me right now.

I’m humbled to tears.

I put my head against his looking him in the eyes. “I promised baby, I promised I wouldn’t leave you. You’re never going to be alone going through this Tay, never again. I love you too much for that.”

“Oh god Jenna! I thought I lost you! I was so scared I lost you forever…I was so scared…you’d die like everyone else did…”

He closes his eyes and he starts to cry really hard, all the stress finally finding an outlet and he keeps crying until his grip tightens nearly painfully on me and he starts curling up as another attack hits him and he curls into the fetal position crying in pain and release.

I pull Tay to me and hold him curling myself around him like I’m trying to shield him from the world. If I had wings they’d be curled around both of us…