Chapter 6

It got really quiet after he was done breaking. I’ve seen guys really badly hurt in my…well Jaimes’s day of playing football and they hadn’t come close to the pain that I saw just pour out of Taylor. He almost cried himself sick. God I had pushed him, and pushed him and I felt like…I feel like such a bitch.

Still I’m getting him to go back to see the doctors. It’s been four..teen months or so since he was given that terminal diagnosis. Right about the same time I became aware of the real me and Jenna was born. Yeah, I know goosebump time.

I get up slowly so I don’t wake him up but stop to give him a kiss on his forehead. I use the bathroom which uhm, felt weird after we had…you know and the first thing I do is go into the room where all my stuff is and I dig through it until I find my bible. I take an old blanket with me up to the roof along with a quick search a partly used bottle of wine and a few soda crackers. I know some people aren’t religious but I was raised in a Catholic and Christian home and I had faith before. I need to get this sorted too. I’m not what most people think of when you think about the faithful types but them I think most people don’t think those of us who are TG to have faith or morals and expect the worst from people like me. Or I guess people like us. I need to talk to god and right now I don’t have a church to got to so I head to the roof. I set out my blanket and kneel on it our rather sit on my legs almost Muslim like and even face the rising sun. No I’m not facing Mecca but it’s how the day starts so it makes sense to me in my strange way. I let the wind blow through my still damp hair, the summer sun shine on my face and I put my face down on the roof in front of me. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for my life, for my soul.”

“Thank you for letting me see who I really am.”

“Thank you for the trials that I’ve been through because I don’t think I’d be me without them.”

“Thank you because I’m starting to like myself., God…I think I see the me you’ve seen.”

“Thank you for loving me, for sending me Taylor to love and keep me alive.”

“Thank you for the new chance we might have.”

I read after that just reading and looking for inspiration.

*1 John 4:18 “ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…”

*Ezra 10:4 “Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

*Psalm 30:10-12 “Hear, Oh Lord and be merciful to me. Oh Lord be my help; you turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God I will give you thanks forever.”

I read a bit of Psalms because there’s so much strength there and eveytime something I read rings true I lift my head from reading to the sunshine and I can feel him. I know there’s people that never will and might believe in a lot of other things. I know I could offend some by writing this, or about this but I do. I lift my head into the warm sunshine and I swear I can feel the touch of grace when I do. This heals me, he lifts me up and gives me strength.

And alone here on the roof in my ratty old track pants and bare feet and one of Tay’s shirts from the wash yesterday and I give myself communion with a premium plus soda cracker and a quarter bottle of some red wine that Taylor buys to cook with. Yes I killed what’s left of the bottle but I toast god while I’m doing it. I’m oddly cheered by the whole thing. My faith is something I got back. It’s another thing they couldn’t destroy.

I put away the bottle and go check on Taylor who’s getting up and just gives me a quiet, sullen, unsure of everything look because you pretty much had to feel that way after what we had been through early this morning. I go over and kiss him. His expression changes to curious and he looks at me his head tilting cutely. “You’ve been drinking this morning?”

“Mmm-hmn, I had a talk with god this morning and did my communion with him.”

“You can do communion alone?”

“I wasn’t alone, but I did it myself.”

“Oh…” As the light bulb went off in his head. “I don’t really know that much about that kind of stuff Jen. I mean I went when my parents died and I went a few times after my diagnosis…well me and Jack Daniels…” He looks embarrassed.

I kiss him again walking him to the bathroom where he was headed anyway.

“I’m sure God didn’t mind Tay, there’s a thing in the bible that says all the plants and herbs are our to use; Wine, whiskey I sure it doesn’t matter to him.”

“I wasn’t there on my best behavior Jen.”

“I know, but if you can’t scream at god then who can you scream at…Even being pissed at him I thinks a kind of prayer Tay.”

I push him against the counter and the sink and start taking down his boxers and kissing my way down.

“Uhm Jen?, I we, you were, we were talking about you know and now you’re doing….Oh!, God…Jenna, Jenna…”

I pull my lips free of him. “You said things to him, and yelled and screamed and asked in the end for help right/”

“Uuuh, uuuh, yeah?”

“So we’re together, I’m here baby now shut up and let me honor his decision.” I go back to my oral lovemaking to Tay and make those beautiful sounds come out of him. The thing is I really believe it.

I really can’t see why it’s not, especially when you consider the timing between us, what do they call it…? Yeah Serendipity.

This morning for the first time I really get into it, have intent and use all those times from my old life…I know what really feels good. It’s just more proof for me that that experience that I felt nothing in my heart about now I’m using in reverse to pleasure my Taylor and to make my heart sing….This morning I swallowed too.

I swear I had him speaking in tongues.

Taylor’s showering while I go downstairs after brushing my teeth twice and brushing out my hair after his fingers had messed it up. My body hums with what I’m calling afterglow even if he hadn’t done anything to me. My soul is humming too as I cook us up a late breakfast and let Holly in with Tim her guy and their two kids with their baskets of laundry and her and I talk about just stuff in general like her and Tim and the kids as I give her a hand with the wash she’s got and making some bread. I’m just normal, there’s nothing different about me during times like these. I love moments like these. I end up making a bunch of French toast. I make my own twist on it and after dipping the thick slices of bread I roll them in bashed up Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal before putting them on the griddle frying them in some butter.

Three sets of eyes stare at me as I’m cooking…one set three years old, another set five years old and Tim of course. The kids make my heart flip over and melt. I can feel my real self responding to them. I loved helping to coach the tykes as Jaime. It was one of the few things that did make me happy when I was doing it. Now, Now I know it’s instincts and that I really love kids. I serve them up some with a few slices and then Tim. “Mooch.” I call him and stick my tongue out at him.

I take our breakfast up to our place and have a glass of V-8 to wash down my meds and take us up a pot of coffee while I’m at it. I see Tay in front of the mirror in the bathroom still. He’s trying to shave but his hand with the razor is doing the Parkinson’s shaking thing. I set our food down and watch him for a few minutes. I can see how hard he’s trying. Both in just trying to do it and trying to really not let it get to him.

I set our food up on the counter of our little kitchenette we have up here and set the table instead of the food I get a basin of hot, hot water. Out on some music and Go into the bathroom and take the razor from him. He looks at me and I smile at him. “C’mere, let me Tay.” He looks like he might balk a little but I put on a sexy smile and back away to the kitchenette and beckon him to follow with my finger. Instead he looks intrigued and he kind of smiles. He get’s to me and I stop him with a hand on his chest, a kiss to his lips and guide him to the table and the chair I pulled out from our tiny two seater table. I wash the soap off his face and pass him his coffee. He takes a few sips as I soak a hand towel in the basin of water. I ring it out and set it over his face and tilt his head back.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

I get out the things we used last night and I get myself “Prepped” I also get his mug with the soap and brush in it and come back to him in just a pair of red nylon and lace French cut panties.

I take off the towel over his face and he drinks in the sight of me as I take his coffee cup and put it to his lips with both of my hands, like a geisha or something. I set it down then climb onto him, kiss him passionately and then slowly lather him up. “Black Velvet.” by Alana Myles is playing as I lather his face up and it changes over to “A song instead of a Kiss.” by her as I start to shave him as I’m straddling his lap on the kitchen chair. I kiss each clean and freshly shaved patch of skin the razor leaves behind. I’ve never felt so perfect, so intimate and very, very aroused. His hands don’t shake as he touches my body my breasts. I pull him out free of his boxers and deftly wrap him literally with one hand behind my back as I roll the condom onto him then coat him with some gel from the things we bought. I move my underwear just to one side as I ease onto him. I want him, I want this intimacy, I want this moment as much as anything in my life. It still hurts but it’s different? I’m the one in charge, on top? I’m making love to him…The pain lessens and it changes…The deepest massage I’ve ever had?, there’s something that does start to become something that doesn’t hurt. That feels good? It’s not what I thought it’d feel like but…this combined with Taylor’s talented hands, his mouth…I straddle him and move with him, we really begin making love as the stereo pumps out. “Unchained Melody.” by the Everley Brothers, It really feels like my first time and that song from the movie Ghost is playing…

He doesn’t touch me there, and just like a woman I actually find release this morning. Taylor makes love to me, long and slow, hard and fast and even once with this rolling of his hips into me as the music becomes a bit more street and hip hop soul. We went fro the chair to him picking me up and my back against the wall my legs wrapped around him, then the bed as I find my release inside and cry out him name even digging my not really there nails into his back and biting and worrying his collar bone with my teeth.

Twice…

I’m cuddled with him as we’re recovering and eating our breakfast on our bed and I’m really sore now but in like the best way I’ve ever felt. I’ve never felt this good ever, ever, ever, ever…gee guys did I uhm say ever?

There is no way in all of creation that any “Guy.” could feel like this. More than ever I’m sure. More than ever I know who I am.

We even doze a little, or at least I do when the sun slips through our windows and with Taylor’s arms around me I just slip into this everything is right with the world place and just closed my eyes a few minutes in enjoyment.

Tay wakes me with touches and kisses and says he needs to get a start on things so he can be ready for next week, or I guess that’s this week coming. We get up and go and take a shower together and I’m still sore and tender but I love it. It’s a good hurt. We wash each other no sex not really, no great moments but there is. I love it. I love washing him and seeing my hands soaping up his skin and the feel of his muscles under the slick soap then the reveal as he washes clear. The way he touches me, the heat, the steam, the closeness of it still is what is the most important thing to me.

Drying each other off is just as awesome, just as hot and fun. We get in each others way, he makes funny faces at me while I’m trying to put on a minimal touch of make up but I’m laughing too hard. We even get into this kind of fight and wrestling match while blasting each other with the blow dryer.

We both go down me carrying our laundry and uhm our sheets and I help Holly who takes one look at us and gives us a knowing smile. Njinda is there too now and she’s using the griddle top to make this kind of African flatbread and we all kind of talk as we work. Just hanging out with the juke box going. Pasta sauce gets made, Beans are soaked out, meats are ground and homemade sausages and meatballs are made. Taylor makes these things that are big chunks of meat set in tubs with stuff to soak? He makes homemade corned beef or more I guess since he keeps making it and rotates them. And Montreal spiced smoked brisket?, Briskets in BBQ sauce, Ribs in Sauce, spiced up chicken coating made from bread crumbs and spices and breaks up bags of chicken into buckets with spices and buttermilk and other things.

I’m on his lap top at one of the booths in between doing stuff to help out. I’m looking up stuff from Taylor’s papers. I look up several things for myself as well, TG friendly doctors and endocrinologists and therapists too. I check with some of my online sisters and get myself updated to how they are and let them know how I’m doing and they’re happy for me scared for me and worried about how hard this’ll be for me. There are some of these TG or TG identifying sisters of mine that have saved me from doing bad things to myself, or falling too far into depression. Even talked me out of hooking or dancing for money.

It’s Sunday so I can’t get a hold of the doctors but I make my lists and get my numbers I’m going to need and everything all set up to talk to them tomorrow. I smell a great smell as Njinda and Taylor have made a stew from the Sudan. It’s adapted of course and he’s used all the scraps from all the meats he’s cooked and browned them off. Chicken and beef, and little meatballs and balls of sausage, the trimmed ends of ribs and lots of spices like bay leaves, cumin, curry powder, paprika with all-spice and nutmegs along with fresh chili peppers to heat it up the broth is made from blended canned tomatoes and red roobios tea along with large chunks of potatoes and sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips and rough chopped celery there’s coconut added to it and coconut milk and the result is this rich exotic broth with big vegetables and actually not a lot of meat in it. It goes amazing with Njinda’s flatbreads and Taylor made corn bread muffins to go with it. African food is a lot like soul food that’s never seen the US south soul-food. I’m a sucker for cornbread and red beans and rice and all those foods out of the deep south. I’m part French Canadian and a lot of soul food came back to us in a big way from the Acadians coming up to visit use up here in the 1980’s and 90’s and it fit right in with the influx of Caribbean’s moving into Canadian cities. My Mother knew a lot of these markets that had people who cooked Acadian soul food. God knows she didn’t cook that well on her own.

It’s really nice, we’re all eating together and doing prep work for this week and the kids are having fun with me having set them up with cartoons to watch on the laptop but mostly they want to help us in the kitchen with things of the laundry. We take the breads out and we start in on making pies. We’re just having fun but I’m learning a lot about all of these things too. I love learning this stuff and Tay’s upstairs with Tim banging around as they do the setting up of things and putting together the new TV and running cables and stuff as Taylor calls some guys he knows over and Tim does as well to help with the work and the guys even take off with the truck to get stuff they need.

I meet Billy who’s a biker complete with the leathers and the Harley and lots of scars and tattoos. He’s a friend of Taylor’s, and when they greet there’s some kind of look and way they clasp hands in some kind of strange man ritual without a ritual. I mean I don’t see anything different than I’ve seen people greet each other like that before but there’s this intangible invisible something…?

Is that why guys can communicate with grunts? Do they have this weird testosterone telepathy?

Davey is one of Tim’s buddies from where they both work building houses. A nice guy and very quiet but with this really blonde hair and baby faced look. He looks a lot like an ex-skater boy. They get busy making a bunch of noise and power tools and just like any effort buy guys in Canada there’s several cases of beer that came in with the guys and up the stairs. Davey was a sweetheart and bought us two bottles of zinfandel for us while we baked and did our own things. I supposed I should be worried about booze and tools but I’m actually not this is a timeless ritual of the Canadian male. I’m not sure about the wine never really haven drank it before. I only drank as Jaime with the other guys at parties and everything, and that was beer. After my second glass I don’t mind it, but I still like beer.

Holly steals us a case of beer from the guys leaving one of the bottles of wine in it’s place. The guys make a lot of noise bitching and moaning about wine and how they can drink that and kind of do their take on the girly girls drinking wine trying to tease us while we tease back acting like some tough talking beer drinking guys. It hits me like my buzz does. I really can’t act like a guy anymore. Me doing it was just as silly and out of place as Holly or Njinda doing it. Nin, was really funny too turning on the whole black in the hood guy bit talky about stuff like his, or her shorty and drinking a forty…We laughed our asses off.

We finish our pies having made enough to feed an army and even some savory ones both full sized and as pie crust turn overs with chicken pot pie and the left over of Nin’s African stew and I make a French onion/hamburger filling and Holly makes chili filled ones too. I’m going to look up some of those UK things like Steak and Kidney pies and a real proper shepherds pie and things I think would go over good for hard working guys down here at the rail yard.

We get things stored in the walk ins (Big fridges.) and I see some really big meat sides and I get an idea and the girls and I cut a bunch of really good thick steaks. I cut a whole bunch of them and we get together mushrooms, peppers, onions and garlic in bundles of foil and wrap potatoes for baking and other stuff to make a BBQ for everyone.

We call the guys down for supper and we talk BBQ and we pack everyone up once they get things squared away (takes an hour and a half) and drive out to Millcreek pond over on Whyte Ave. and we take lawn chairs and a charcoal grill and we spend the last part of the day grilling food and listening to music and having fun. It’s August so there’s still lots of sun as we head into the evening. I go get changed. I’m in the change area and Holly comes in…she see’s me naked….