As I walked out of the building I felt happier than I had done for a long time. I was finally making decisions on my life and not being pushed from pillar to post by events outside my control.
I walked the few blocks to the office building where I hoped I would be working for quite some time. I took a deep breath and walked through the doors.

Actually, I didn’t walk through the doors, that would have hurt, they sort of swooshed open automatically. It would have been a bit silly to walk into the doors, wouldn’t it? I’m glad I got that straight. Um, I do tend to babble a bit when I’m nervous, so forgive me going on about the damned doors.

Anyway, the doors swooshed open and I found myself once again walking up to the reception desk.

The girl behind the humongous granite desk smiled efficiently; her teeth glistening in the spotlights; headphones at the ready; satin blouse all shiny and erm satiny. She was cool and collected, in fact the epitome of receptionism. I could maybe learn to dislike her, I think.

May I help you?

I gulped twice, breathed deeply and said, ‘I have arrived’.

Why I said that, I don’t really know, but I thought it sounded rather good even in my somewhat heightened state of scared shitlessness. My imagination ran wild as I was saying it. My thoughts were that there would be the sound of the Hallelujah chorus in the background. Emails would fly around the building announcing my arrival. There would be a collective sigh of relief that I had finally arrived… Mass rejoicing….

‘And you are?’

I came back to Earth with a bit of a dull thump.

‘Toni Summers, I’ve just got a job here. I er need to see Ms Prendergast from HR.’

‘Certainly Ms Summers, just take a seat over there and I’ll call Ms Prendergast.’

She smiled another gleaming 200 watts and I went over to the deep black leather sofa in the corner of reception to sulk for a bit.

Of course, as I sat, the damn thing farted like the ones in my uncles’ office. CJ had a lot to answer for. *

I read a glossy magazine, only two years old, about posh houses and their even posher owners and how hard it is to get good staff nowadays.

I heard a ping from one of the many lifts, and there was Miss, sorry; Ms Prendergast bouncing over to me.

She still had those sunglasses perched on her head and I wondered, vaguely if she slept with them like that.

‘Hello, Toni, nice to see you again. Come on up to my office and we’ll sort you out. OK ya?’

I followed her into the lift and experienced the 3 g- force stomach wrench as we travelled up to her floor.

In minutes we were in her office and she was sitting me down with a cup of tea and a garibaldi.

‘So Toni, how are you after your accident, OK now, ya?’

‘Ya, I mean yes, I’m alright now, thanks. My leg hurts a bit when walking, but not much.’

‘Great, super, wonderful. Now down to brass tacks, as it were. Could you sign these for me in blood? I have a small knife...’

The colour drained from my face.

‘Ha Ha, my little joke, black biro will do.’

I signed the several forms with a slightly shaking hand. My sense of humour was fragile at the moment, to say the least.

‘Well done Toni. Now we need to talk about how you present yourself.’

I looked down; saw the cream silky blouse and black skirt and matching jacket. I thought I looked fine, rather swish actually.

‘Am I not dressed OK?’

‘Yes dear, you look lovely; nice blouse, by the way. It’s not that. Sorry, brain transplant needed! Sorry, no it’s just how you are going to present yourself to everyone who works here.’

‘Sorry, not with you.’

‘I’ll explain. Only a few people here know that you were born male. We don’t think that it’s right for us to tell anyone about your personal circumstances. It’s up to you who you decide to confide in, you know, who you tell. Capish?’

‘Ca what?’

‘Sorry, my Italian lessons getting in the way, what I was trying to say is that you need to decide, who, if anyone you want to tell about your dressing as a girl.’

‘Oh, I see. Do I need to tell anyone?’

‘No, of course not. Let’s face it, hon, no one will see a boy in you. You scream girl. Look, while you have a think, I’ll go get another cuppa; these are cold. I hate these silly machines. Either too hot or too cold or they taste like dishwater. Fancy some cappo’s? They're not too bad. White with one?’

‘Yes please.’

‘Okey Dokey, back in a tick.’

With that, she breezed out leaving me to think about what she'd said.

Did I want anyone else to know about me? Should I be open about it and to hell with the consequences?

For once, I made a quick decision. It was my business and mine alone to decide who should know about me. If I did tell people, the word would get around and sooner or later, I would get unwanted nastiness from someone who didn’t like ‘freaks’. It might happen anyway. Perhaps I might give myself away, scratch my bum in a male fashion or pick my nose or something? Do girls pick their noses? I don’t think I've ever seen that, but I’ve led a sheltered life. Anyway, I decided, I wouldn't tell anyone who didn't need to know.

‘Just then, Ms P came back in carrying two cups of steaming something or other.

‘Sorry it took so long, I had run out of 20p’s,’

‘’Thanks,’ I said as she put the cup down in front of me.

‘Don’t mench. Now, have you thought about things?’

‘Well, Ms Prendergast…’

‘I’ve said before; you must call me Pippa.’

‘Um, sorry Pippa. Anyway, I’ve decided that I don’t want anyone to know about my personal circumstances.’

‘That’s OK hon, I respect that. I’ll just make a note on your file while I remember. Mind like a sieve, me!’

She typed stuff on her computer and then turned back to me.

‘OK,Toni. You will be working with Roger Pilkington. He’s in charge of publicity and is rather dishy. You will be his PA and general dogsbody. I’m sure that you will get on fine with him. Between you and me, all the girls drool over him. I’m sure that you’ll get on like a house on fire. Have you finished your drink? Great, let’s go and see him.’

She picked up the phone and speed dialled.

‘Hi Rog? Pippa here, can I bring Toni down now? Great, super, won’t be a mo.’

We went down two floors in the lift and emerged into a wide spacious corridor with several offices each side. Most of the offices had a nametag on the door; we passed several before coming to one with Roger Pilkington on it.

Pippa knocked on the door and walked in, closely followed by a nervous me.

The office was large and had a nice view over the streets of the town and down to the river. The office was wood panelled, with lots of tasteful pictures and what looked like diplomas scattered around the walls. There was a huge, highly polished wooden desk with a high executive leather chair in front of the panoramic window.

Sitting at the desk was I guess Roger Pilkington. He got up immediately and walked the twenty yards or so around the desk and extended his hand in welcome.

‘Hi, Toni, I’m Roger. Whatever Pippa said about me, ignore, I’m a very nice person, really.’

He was tall. About six foot one; broad shoulders, blond hair, a strong nose, gleaming smile and a clear complexion. He obviously worked out as I could almost see his rippling muscles under the pure white shirt. He was about thirty I would say but he could have been younger or older; it was one of those faces.

‘Hello, Mr Pilkington.’ I said shyly.

‘Rog or Roger, please, we are all friends here, Isn’t that right Pippa?’

‘Oh yes Roger,’ giggled Pippa, clearly smitten by his good looks and obvious charm. ‘I’ll leave you in Roger’s capable hands, Toni. Don’t hesitate to come and see me if you have any probs. OK ya?’

‘Yes, thanks for all your help.’

‘Don’t mench, bye.’

With that she left me with Roger who motioned me to a sofa in the corner.

I went over somewhat apprehensively and sat down, I breathed a sigh of relief that it didn’t make any embarrassing noises as I sat down.

Roger came over and sat next to me.

‘Now Toni, I’ll tell you a bit about what we do here and what I would like you to do for me.’

He spent the next half an hour explaining my duties, which were well within my capabilities. I was to do some word processing, appointment coordination, filing, coffee making and as Pippa had said, general dogsbodyness type duties.

Roger glanced at his expensive looking watch.

‘Let’s go and have an early lunch, my treat.’

Without waiting for an answer, he got up, grabbed his jacket and strolled out the door.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself sitting opposite him in a small Italian restaurant, off the high street and away from the crowds.

It was what I would call an intimate restaurant with individual booths where people could hold conversations without being overheard.

Even though it was lunchtime, you would not know it in the restaurant because it was quite dark. They had candles on the tables, piped muzak coming from hidden speakers, it was altogether a romantic setting.

We were served, silently and efficiently, by the waiters and in what seemed like no time at all, I was eating my spag bol and sipping the white wine, whilst listening to Roger telling me about the job and how he and I fitted into the grand scheme.

‘We have a very important role in the company. Without publicity, we would not get any work. We are the ones whose job it is to catch the eye of the general public. We deal with dreams and aspirations. What we do is help fulfil those dreams…’

As he spoke, I thought about what he was saying but I was also drawn into those lovely blue eyes. His mouth was strong and yet gentle. His adams apple bobbed up and down as he spoke. His expression was one that was kind and gentle but in a manly sort of way. I think I was falling under his spell.

We finished our meal and then had coffee.

As we drank, my eyes went to the candle in the middle of the table. The flame flickered and when I looked, it was reflected in his eyes.

He spoke.

‘So Toni, do you think that you will like working for me?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘That’s good. I think that we will get along just fine. So fine in fact that I would like to see more of you, in fact a lot more of you.’

My hand was resting on the table and he gently paced his over mine. I shivered as his hand touched mine, a shiver of pleasure. The wine was making me feel slightly light headed. His voice had a musical quality, sort of soft and melodious as I looked into his liquid eyes.

‘You are so beautiful, lovely hair, wonderful eyes. Slightly upturned nose, gorgeous full lips. You are just what I have been looking for.’

‘Looking for,’ I said distractedly, not really listening as I was being drawn into his gravitational orbit.

‘Yes. You see I know who you are. I happened to see your file. Pippa is a bit lax with security. Fancy using password as your password. Anyway, I know that your real name is Tony and that you have a package in your panties that is not normal for a girl. I happen to like girls with that equipment, always have, always will. I can see that you and I are going to have a great time, getting to know each other intimately.’

My heart went cold at these words, any haziness from the wine being stripped away in an instant. I could see through him. All the things that he had said were just come on lines. He wanted me for my body, nothing else.

‘I’ll tell Pippa,’ I said, voice quavering with emotion and fear.

‘No you won’t. You see I know people, press and such like. They would love a juicy story like this. How would you like to have your face plastered over all the local papers? ‘Boy pretends to be a girl to get a job’ it’s not much of a story really, but stories are a bit thin on the ground at the moment. Also, what do you think your workmates would think, knowing that it’s a boy using the ladies loo, not a girl? I know that this company is progressive and everything, but even so, there are some people here that wouldn’t want your sort working with them. But let’s not talk of such unpleasantness. I can protect you and look after you. In return, all I ask is that we have a bit of fun. I can’t wait to see you without any clothes on. I will teach you things that you have never dreamt of. You and I have a great future ahead of us.'

I looked at him and could see the pure evil in his eyes. How could I have been taken in by him and what the hell am I going to do about this mess? Everything was falling about my ears again and I didn’t know where to turn.

I wanted to cry. So I did.

~ ~ ~ ~

*The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin. Beg, borrow or at least buy the DVD if you can.