I spent a couple of boring days in bed reading girly mags, ‘to help with my feminine initiation, acclimation' or something, according to Sheila.

When I got bored reading about Spotty Cynthia from Streatham and her boyfriends and other similar letters on the problem pages, I tried the TV.

Daytime TV seemed to comprise of lots cooking shows, dressing up older women to look like fifteen year olds shows, more cooking shows, assorted shouting matches on various chat shows and more bloody cooking shows.

Luckily, after two days of near terminal boredom broken by dreams about drizzles of olive oil and garnishes of Rocket, I was able to get up and start walking, well limping around the flat.

Sheila had gone to work and I was all on my lonesome when there was a knock on the door.

I slipped my dressing gown on over my rather revealing baby doll; I know, not practical, but very sensual, and opened the door.

‘Hello.’ he said, looking me up and down.

The first thought that came into my head was, ‘Cor, what a hunk.’

He was about six feet tall, with honey blond hair, deep blue eyes, a lovely small upturned nose, nice smile and some toothpaste ad type teeth. They sort of sparkled as he smiled. He had a cute little dimple in the middle of his chin.

He looked about 20 give or take a year, ummm, not that I noticed any of that, of course as I still have manly (if smallish) equipment and I was into girls.

‘Um. Hello.’ I squeaked, I mean said.

‘Sorry to trouble you, I’m new here. I’ve taken over the flat downstairs from a Tony Summers and I have some post for him, do you know where he's moved to?’

As usual, my brain let me down and I heard me saying, ‘He’s moved to Australia. I’m his sister, Toni.’

‘You’re Tony?’

He looked puzzled and his clean strong forehead crinkled slightly in a small frown.

‘Toni with an i.’

‘Must be confusing?’

‘Yes erm, our parents had a strange sense of humour, it’s actually short for Antonia.’

‘Oh, I see. Nice, I like it.’

He looked down at the letters in his hand and shuffled them absently.

‘Oh, it looks like you have a few too.’

He handed the letters in my general direction while gazing up and down and then noticed that I was standing sort of awkwardly.

‘Are you OK, there's a bandage on your leg?’

‘Oh yes, I just banged my leg up a bit and it’s still a bit stiff.’

He gazed at my legs a little more closely, making me feel a teensy bit uncomfortable as I hadn’t shaved them in a few days. I was also very aware of my flimsy covering and the fact that I could swear that he had x ray eyes. Hell I could feel it. I’m not really paranoid, am I?

‘Um, anyway, thanks for the letters. I’ll make sure Tony gets his. Er thanks again, bye.’

I shut the door in a hurry, not wanting him to see how upset I was.

I heard him walk down the carpet-less corridor outside and breathed a sigh of relief.

I limped back to bed, took my dressing gown off and slipped under the covers.

As my head hit the pillows, a faint smile played on my lips as I thought about him. I didn’t even know his name!

I shook myself out of my daydream as I realised that I must still be feeling the after effects of the accident. I have no interest in men, full stop. I like, no love girls not boys. I might be in a nightie and look vaguely girlish, but my preferences were purely hetero. It must be a post traumatic stress thingy.

‘’Mind you, I thought, talking to my inner self, ‘if I like being a girl and dress as a girl, does this make me a lesbian or bi, or what?’

My head was spinning with confusion and I drifted off to sleep.

‘Wake up Toni, want some tea?’

My eyes snapped open and there was Sheila, still in her uniform, prodding my arm.

‘Ouch, that hurts. Where's your bedside manner?’

‘Sod that. One of the first things we learnt at nursing school was how to irritate, pester and bully patients. Anyway, you are due to go to work tomorrow and it’s about time that you were more mobile. Come on get your finger out.’

‘But it hurts!’ I whined bravely.

‘Don’t be a baby.’

‘Not.’

‘Am.’

As usual, I lost the argument and got up, gingerly and slumped a little sulkily into the armchair. I only winced occasionally, for effect, but it was like water off a ducks back. Sheila was a hard girl.

‘Now, you’ve finished the pantomime performance, let’s look at that leg.

She knelt down in front of me and gently unwound the bandage.

I only yelped a couple of times as she finally removed the covering. Not bad, considering.

‘Hmm.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Does this hurt?’

‘Ouch!’

‘And this?’

‘Ouch, ouch.’

‘Good, it looks OK. You don’t need the bandage back on; you might get away with stockings tomorrow when you go to work.’

‘Do I have to go?’

‘You promised your uncle when he rang, yesterday.’

‘I was feverish and didn’t know what I was saying.’

‘Rubbish, you can’t back out now. So, has the postman come?’

I followed her gaze, looked down on the bed and noticed the letters.

‘Oh, I meant to tell you before you started torturing me that a man has taken over my old room downstairs.’

‘I know, Giles is OK.’

‘You knew?’

‘Of course. I know all the potential nookie for miles around.’

‘Do you fancy him?’ I said, for some reason, sounding upset at that.

‘Nice, bum, teeth and all that, what's not to like. But a bit young for me and probably wet behind the ears, I prefer men with experience, he still looks like a learner.’

‘Oh.’

‘Mind you, ideal for you. Training wheels and all.’

I nearly choked on the tea that she had just handed me.

‘ME, don’t be silly, I’m into girls.’

‘Are you sure? Look at that wet dream you had in hospital.’

‘What wet dream?’

‘You told me about the ball, the gown and prince thing. Also I helped get you out of bed to go home. There were signs.’

‘Signs?’ I said quietly.

‘I have been a nurse for years now. You would be surprised what we find on the bed covers.’

I felt myself go red all over as I ever so cleverly changed the subject.

‘Erm, I suppose I had better read my letters now.’

Sheila smirked as she took my cup and went into the kitchen.

Most of the letters were trying to sell me something, so I chucked them.

One letter in a cream envelope and hand stamped, caught my eye.

I slit the envelope open and took out the single sheet.

It was from a doctor’s surgery:

Dear Ms Summers,

Your new employers have a pension and life insurance scheme with Total Life and Pensions Group.

A stipulation of being in the scheme is that members have to have a medical at the earliest opportunity.

Your HR manager has contacted us and intimated that you are due to start on the 21st of this month. We have therefore arranged the examination for that morning at 9.00am sharp with Dr Squires, prior to your commencing work.

If this is inconvenient, please let us know in good time.

Yours etc.

I looked at the letter. To say my gast was flabbered, would be an understatement.

How the hell was I going to get out of this!

Copyright Susan Brown 2007