Monday, January 6^th, Hi Mrs. Diary. I know that I kind of said I wasná­t going to write you anymore. I guess I was wrong. I doná­t have to write in you, but for some reason it always makes me feel better.

Winter break is over and I had my first day of school. First I get up and get dressed. Blue jeans, a collered shirt and regular boy unders. I put gel in my hair and slicked it back. So back to my old self again, finally, right? Well I went to have breakfast with mom, we made eggs again. But things werená­t like there usual happy self when making breakfast. I meen we just made eggs sat down and ate. I felt weird, not that making breakfast with mom was bad, just didná­t feel like it did the past weeks.

I went to school, the walked was weird because I havent been out much since break started. I liked the air, and it was snowing but just a little bit. It wasná­t too cold because I had my big black jacket on. The black jacket doesná­t look to nice, just keeps you warm.

I got to school, everyone was talking about what they got for christmas and what they did. I told them I got a computer and I spent most my time at home with my mom. I got teased about being a mommaá­s boy. HA, if they only knew. I doná­t think thatá­s so bad to care about your mom, I wonder why guys make such a big deal about it.

I got into class, the teacher had us write about what we did over the holiday. I wrote about getting the computer and cooking with mom. I didná­t tell them everythign. We had to read it in front of the class. Sam wrote about spending time with her friend tammy over the break and stuff that they did. THAT WE DID. At the end she said tammy had to leave and she doná­t know if she will see her again and that she misses him. She started to cry. I wanted to hug her and tell her á«Iá­M right here.á® Stupid girl almost made me cry to, thatá­s all I would of needed.

Well then my clothes started to bother me. Like a lot. I had the itches all over. The pants were so uncomfortable and the unders felt like they were going to fall off. I couldná­t get comfortable all day. At lunch Fred punch buggied me. Thatá­s when you see a vw bug and you yell the color and hit people. It really hurt, what kind of stupid person came up with that idea, probably some idiot boy. I tried to hang out with the guys. But I couldná­t even talk serious with them. Everything is joke this, joke that, it can be really annoying sometimes.

I didná­t want to talk about all I did, just wanted to know if people had real weird dreams. I got answers like, yeah I was sleeping with your mother. HOW RUDE. But I couldná­t really go hang with the girls, Iá­d be called a sissy. Okay after school, they wanted to push girls down in the snow. How stupid is that, ruin perfectly nice clothes and laugh about it. I told them I had a job and I couldná­t do it with them.

Sam walked me to my house. It was nice having a normal conversation. We talked about missyá­s sweater. It was real cute, it was red with little white dears. We figured she got it at the mall. I got to my house and made sure no one was gone, and hugged Sam goodbye. She said she didná­t mind me as a best friend either. What does that mean, me as compared to who.

Okay first thing I did was go into my room and put on undies, because my clothes were really bothering me. They helped a bit. Then I went right over to watch Tonya. The daytime nanny wished me yuck, and snubbed her nose at me. Thatá­s the first time Iá­ve been snubbed. Iá­m not some idiot boy who doesná­t know how to take care of a baby. I wanted to say it but by the time I thought of it she was way gone.

Tonya remembered me, even with my hair so disgusting and slicked back. I loved playing with her. Her little dress was almost as adorable as she was. I had to change her, I still did that good. It would be so cool to have a litle baby of my own I think. Iá­d make a great mom, oops dad. I then gave her her afternoon bottle and put her in her crib. She is even cuter when she is sleep. She really is a good baby, not a crying type baby. I doná­t like babys that cry for nothing.

Glenn came home and saw me. He said "back to your old self." I said yeah. I wanted to say more but all my feelings are all confuddled about it. He looked in at tonya and said I was still a good babysitter. I thanked him and told him I would be back tomorrow.

I went right home and washed the gunk out of my hair. It really felt digusting. I didná­t comb it like a girl or nothing. I just didná­t feel good with the crud building in my hair. I also started porkchops to surprise mom when she came home.

She was so happy and she said it was nice to have her son back, even though he loved havign tammy around. You would think I was happy about her saying that, but I wasná­t. Part of me really wanted her to ask that I dress up as tammy for the night. How can I tell mom that I doná­t think I want to be tommy any more. I think maybe there is something really wrong with me. I couldná­t wait to stop being tammy. Now I doná­t think I want to be anything but tammy. I am suppose to meet vince only. Night diary.

Tuesday, January 7^th, Hi mrs. Diary. Guess who again. Talking to Vince was really cool. He still wants to be my friend. I told him I did to. I didná­t tell him my problem. How can I tell anyone. It was odd talking to vince in boy jeans and a shirt. It didná­t feel the same, it didná­t feel like me talking to him.

I doná­t know, maybe I am nuts. I wore jeans and a tee again to school. Mom and I had cereal for breakfast. I wish we cooked something together. I doná­t know why we didná­t. I wish I could tell her what I feel, but I am afraid she might think she did something wrong with me. You know I realize that boys doná­t have many choices in clothes. It is always Jeans and a tee.

I wore the panties under the Jeans though. I mean who is going to know. That helped me feel a little bit comfortable but the rough pants were driving me nuts. I doná­t know what to do about that. Why do they have to make boys clothes so miserable.

We got paired up in science. I had sam and another girl with me in my group. My friends said that they felt sorry for me. I doná­t know why, I thought I was lucky. I at least had a nice talk to people. Cindy was the other girl, I told her that her outfit was nice. Which it was, it was a khaki jumper. She told me to drop dead. WHY DID SHE SAY THAT? I just looked down and did my work for a while. She then said sorry, she thought I was being sarcastic.

After that it got better. The teacher told me how nice and polite Iá­ve been the last two days. DOES SHE WANT ME TO GET BEAT UP. I got called teachers pet and kiss up but didná­t get into a fight. Not even at lunch or recess because I sat by myself and just looked at clouds. I couldná­t go and sit with the girls and get teased, and I didná­t want to hang with the guys and do mindless stupid stuff.

After school sam walked me home again. I told her about when Vince kissed me the second time and how I thought I was a real girl. She said maybe I was. I said how can I be when I am a boy. She didná­t know. Well I went home and sam waited for me as I washed the goop out of my hair. I put a jumper in my bookbag and Sam went with me to baby sit.

As soon as the daytime nanny left I changed. And it was like tammy was back, but it wasná­t tammy. It was me, for real I think. Whats wrong with me that I think that way. We watched Tonya and it was so much fun together.

Sam said I was a natural for a girl. I think she meant it and wasná­t making fun. When we put her down to sleep, Sam said we should test if I was more a girl then boy. I thought she was going to get dirty. She said we should practice kissing but this time to think in my head Iá­m a real girl, like I did with Vince.

I did and when we kissed it was like wow. It was totally better, I almost fell to the floor. Then I started to cry. Sam said asked what was wrong and I told her I didná­t know who or what I was anymore. She said maybe I am just finding out.

How can this be happening to me. I caná­t tell mom, she is going to be so mad that I doná­t want to be her son anymore. And itá­s not like I can just change into a real girl. Why is life so messed up.

Glenn saw me like this and asked if I decided to switch for good. I started crying again and I told him I didná­t know and I didná­t know if I could tell mom. He said he wouldná­t say a word until I said he could. I went home and got back to normal and mom should be home soon. I just wanted to tell you this stuff. Maybe it will help, I just doná­t know anymore. Kiss Kiss.