I feel your pain.... but there is hope.
I'm gender dysphoric. Ever since I can remember I wished I had been born a girl. Born in 1951 that was not an option, especially in my family. My dad was a WWII paratrooper, tough as nails and never gave out a compliment, but plenty of shit. I had no choice but to hide my true self. In '69 I signed up for ROTC at Penn State but was bounced out because of a bad knee. Got a degree to teach but couldn't find a job, married the only girl I ever dated. I wasn't much of a man but a good partner. She had MS, became paralyzed after a falland bedridden. For 9 years I worked full time while being her sole caregiver until she passed. In June it'll be 5 years she's gone. I write TG stories & read a lot more. I'll never transition... I'd make a butt ugly woman. But I've accepted that reality. I'm not happy about it, but I make due.
My grandfather taught me 2 things. First was what it takes to get attention. I was about 5 in his barn as the cows were coming in to be milked. Bulls were needed with a dairy herd back then. The bull decided he wanted some action so mounted a cow secured in the milking stations. At 5 I thought he was trying to hurt her, my reference being a brother 6 years older who would jump on me to beat me. I yelled "Pappy. the bull's hurting the cow!" My pappy, all 5'3" about 110, came over with a manure shovel ad began beating the bull on the flank. The bull finally got the message and climbed down quite disgruntled to face off with my pappy who couldn't see over the bull's back. The bull snorted and pawed ready to charge, Pappy stood his ground and began wailing away on the bull's head with the manure shovel with overhead swings. A loud BONG echoed through the barn with each smash. I yelled "Pappy, you're gonna hurt the bull!" HE replied between swings. "I'm not gonna BONG hurt the damn BONG bull. I'm Just BONG trying to get BONG his attention! BONG" Well the bull turned and fled. The lesson was that sometimes you have to wail away at a problem until you get it's attention. The reverse is if we get hit often enough, we learn to yield to what is slamming us. The secret is to know when to do the slamming or when to turn away when the slamming becomes overwhelming. Personally, I have shut down any hope of ever transitioning but have no stopped imagining doing so as reflected in my writing.
The second lesson he taught me was that in everything that happens, there is something good about it. The secret to being happy is to train yourself to look for the good first, hold it close to you, and then deal with the bad. When I asked him what was good about pain, he just smiled. (I was taking him for 3 times a week chemotherapy at that point.) His answer has stuck with me. "As long as you hurt, you know you're alive!" My 9th knee surgery was a full replacement 15 years ago. I've had surgery on my other knee and back surgery last November. I KNOW pain and I've learned to embrace it. Pain produces adrenalin and that helps you push through the pain. For the knee replacement I was discharged and back to work in 6 weeks. For the back surgery I was back on light duty after 3 weeks and discharged and back to full time after 6. Embrace pain because it tells you you are alive! It works too! My life is evidence of that!
During the Korean war the Marines were surrounded and cut off at Chosin Resevoir. The Marine general, when asked about retreating, laughed. "Retreat Hell, we're just going to attack in the opposite direction!" That's how those of us who are Transgender with little hope of seeing it through survive. We either learn to attack in another direction or perish. I don't intend to perish and hope you feel the same.

You're in my prayers

Jennifer Sue