As we passed the other tables, I was very aware of the stares I was getting. Did everyone know I was a boy? Would they lynch me if they found out?

Orphan
By
Susan Brown

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Chapter 5
 

So we walked into the dining room.

As usual, sickly green walls and slightly sicker dark green floors confronted me.

There were about a dozen tables dotted about, formica I think but I couldn’t really tell as they were all covered in red plastic check table cloths.

Tracy grabbed my arm and led me over to a table in the corner.

As we passed the other tables, I was very aware of the stares I was getting. Did everyone know I was a boy? Would they lynch me if they found out?

I tried to ignore the looks and just followed Tracy. I was getting very bad feelings about this girl thing. How could I get away with it?

‘Here she is kid’s, Stephanie is her name but that’s a mouthful so I call her Steph.’

The four girls looked me up and down. I felt like a piece of meat and very much antagonised. I went beat red and it was noticed.

‘Oh my god, she’s blushing!’ said one coloured girl.

‘Belt up Tina, we’re not all like you.’

‘And what does that mean, Sandra, dear?’

‘Don’t Sandra dear me you….’

‘Oy!’ Said Tracy holding up her hand. ‘Button it you two. Steph, you now know these two, the others are Pauline and Sharon. Come on let’s go and get some grub.’

I sort of waved my hand in the general direction of the girls and followed Tracy over to the counter. We picked up a tray each and the lady behind the counter mumbled something at Tracy.

‘Egg and chips please Marg and don’t spare the chips.’

I was fascinated by the different colours of the stains on her nylon overall and hair cap. How she got stains there, God only knew.

Two half congealed eggs and a pile of chips were plonked on a plate and handed to Tracy who moved on a grabbed a bottle of Coke.

‘Yes love?’ said the dinner lady.

I dragged my eyes away from her hat and I looked at the fried food swimming in fat and didn’t feel very hungry, but the sausages didn’t look too burned and the chips looked fairly fresh so that was what I had.

‘Thank you, I said.

‘That’s all right love.’

I picked up a bottle of Fanta and went back to the table.

Tracy had already sat down and was having an animated discussion with the other girls.

I put the tray down in the only space left and sat down, forgetting that I was wearing a skirt. I yelped as my legs hit the cold seat.

Everyone looked at me strangely as I semi stood up and adjusted my dress.

‘This is getting stupid,’ I thought, ‘I can’t even sit down without making a spectacle of myself!’

Tracy looked at me and then the others and said, ‘She’s not used to dresses.’

‘What?’ said Pauline.

‘She’s a bit of a tomboy, like I was last year.’

‘Yea,’ said Tina, ‘I only want to wear dresses now cos I want boys to like me more.’

There was a general discussion about boys and what they liked and I was surprised because none of them looked anything like old enough to be interested in them.

Someone asked me a question. I looked up from the sausage I was trying to eat and saw that it was Sharon, a pretty girl with long blond hair done up in a pony tail.

‘Pardon?’

I said, what sort of boys do you like?’

‘I don’t like boys!’

They all laughed.

‘You can’t mean that,’ said Tina.

‘I’m only eleven,’

‘So, I’m eleven and I like boys.’

‘I- just -don’t.’

‘Stop having a go at her,’ said Tracy, coming to my defence, ‘Not all of us are sex maniacs. She’s probably a late developer.’

With that they went on to other topics. I admit to not understanding half of what they were saying. It was like a different language. I never knew that being a girl would be so difficult.

After what seemed like an hour, tea was finished and we all went up to the dormitory. We sat on our beds and watched the TV for about two hours and then a woman came in and told us to get ready for bed.

This was what I was dreading but I picked up my toilet bag, towel and the flannelette nightdress from my case and followed everyone to the bathroom.

Luckily, there were individual washing areas with doors and I took little time in closing the door to my one behind me and sitting down to change.

I took my dress and other clothes off, leaving the panties on as they helped to hold in my boy bits.

I washed my face, listening to the shouting and laughing around me as the other girls talked to each other through the partitions. They all seemed so happy and full of themselves. I thought that places like this were full of sad children, trying to get over not having parents, but judging by what I was hearing, I was the only one having problems.

After washing and cleaning my teeth, I looked at the nightdress with a distinct feeling of nausea and put the green thing over my head. The only good thing about the colour was that I would blend in with the walls.

I heard the banging of doors and receding voices as everyone finished what they were doing and went back to the dormitory.

As I walked in, the talking gradually stopped. They were looking at me rather strangely.

I went over to the bed and sat down.

‘What are you wearing?’ said one of the girls.

I looked up and saw that it was Sharon.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked; a slight quiver in my voice.

‘Did you get that nightie from your Mum?’

I looked down, it seemed OK to me, but what did I know. Just then it hit me what she said about my Mum and I started leaking tears. I put my head in my hands and the floodgates opened. I didn’t want to be here. I was a boy why did they put me with these girls; why can’t I be in a boy’s home; why did my Mum and Dad die?’

I heard some talking and a bit of shouting and then I was surrounded by people trying to hug me.

I opened my eyes and right in front of me was Sharon, tears in her eyes. The others were all hugging me and I must admit, it helped.

‘I’m so sorry, Steph, I didn’t know, I was only playing with you. My stupid mouth!’

I reached out and held Sharon’s hand and she smiled.

After that, things calmed down a bit and everyone went back to their beds.

‘Still,’ said Sharon to me before she went, ‘that nightie is a bit old for you. Look at everyone else.’

I looked around and most were wearing silky pyjamas or nighties or they wore nylon baby dolls all floatie looking.

‘They are nice,’ I said tentatively, trying to answer as a girl would.

‘Tell you what, I have loads, you can borrow one of mine until you can wheedle some more clothes out of Matron.’

‘No that’s all right…’ I tried to say but she would not hear of it and she rushed over to her cabinet and pulled something out.

Coming back, I saw that she had in her hand wht looked dangerously like a pink nylon baby doll.

She handed it to me and said, ‘try this, oh they come with panties, hang on.’

I looked around, red in the face again, but the other girls were either talking to each other or reading magazines.

‘Here you are,’ said Sharon handing me the wispy piece of nylon. ‘If you are shy, pull the curtains around.’

She went over to talk to Tracy and left me to it.

I had no choice, so I pulled the curtains around the bed, took off the green nightie and replaced it with the one Sharon had given to me. I then took off my panties and replaced them with the matching slippery baby doll ones.

The material of the nightie was very light; it had two layers, the inner one was silky and smooth but the outer layer was of like a fine net. It went down to just above my knees. I must admit that I thought that it felt very nice, but there again, I’m a boy and things like this shouldn’t be nice!

I pulled the curtains back and then jumped into bed, nearly crushing Teddy as I did so. After picking him up and saying sorry, I looked around me. Nearly everyone was in bed now and Sharon was looking at me and put her thumb up. I did the same and smiled.

Just then the door opened again and another girl walked in. She was ginger haired, what my Mum used to call a carrot top.

All talk stopped as if a switch was turned off.

The girl glanced nervously around and then went to the bed next to mine. She pulled the curtains around her bed and she was lost from my view.

I looked over at Tracy and she mouthed the word ‘Rachel’.

I nodded and understood. This was the girl that was sent to Coventry and no one was allowed to speak with her.

I felt sorry for her; she looked frightened and very sad.

The door opened again and one of the carers came in.

‘OK girls, lights out now. No talking and that means you Tracy.’

‘Who me?’

‘Yes you!

The lady saw me, smiled and winked. I think that she was nice!

‘Goodnight girls, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.’

She turned out the lights and the room was plunged into darkness.

There was complete silence for a few minutes and then someone giggled, followed by ‘shh’, coming from several beds.

There was another giggle and then some whispering.

I could see a bit now as my eyes grew accustomed to the darkness.

A bedside light was switched on; it was, of course, Tracy’s.

She got up and padded over to the door in her silky pyjamas and put her head around the door.

‘All clear.’

This was the signal for everyone to get up and come over to my bed.

I was a bit alarmed at this but I could see the friendly faces around me as they plonked themselves on my bed.

‘You do look nicer in that nightie,’ said Sharon.

‘Thanks for lending it to me.’

‘That’s all right. Sorry that I made you cry.’

‘We need to know a bit about you,’ said Tina, ‘just in case we say something stupid and get you upset again.’

I looked at them. What could I tell them? ‘Oh, I’m a boy and because of the stupid council, I’m pretending to be a girl. Want to see my boy bits?’

No. I had to tell them about me without saying anything like that.

Without thinking I picked up Teddy for moral support and told them a shortened version about me.

‘I’m eleven and my Mum and Dad had a car accident. I only have one relative alive and that’s my Auntie Christine. The council are trying to find her, but she’s moved. That’s why I’m here.’

‘Oh you poor thing,’ said Dianne, ‘My parents are divorced but it must be a pig to loose your mum and dad like that.’

I was getting a bit weepy again and someone gave me a hanky to blow my nose.

‘It’s OK here,’ said Tina, ‘Matron is a softy, though she pretends to be tough and the rest of the staff are OK except Miss Cathcart, she stinks.’

They all nodded.

‘You don’t want to get on her wrong side,’ said Tracy, ‘she still doesn’t like me cos I glued up her glasses case and she couldn’t see for two days.’

Everyone giggled at that.

Luckily, the talk went away from me and to other things like, boys, clothes, boys, food, pop groups, shoes, boys and oh yes, boys.

People started yawning a bit and once one started, it set us all off. People gradually got up and went to bed. Tracy was the last one to leave and she gave me a peck on the cheek went over to her bed and then turned her bedside light off.

As I slipped down the bed, Teddy cradled in my arm, cos he’s frightened of the dark, I looked back on the strange day and wondered what else was going to happen to me. I then remembered and sat up. It was very quiet and I could hear the sound of breathing around me. I think everyone was asleep, so I slipped out of bed and knelt down, shivering in my thin nightie.

I promised my Mum and Dad that I would say my prayers before I slept, not because I was especially devout or whatever the word was, but to give thanks for what I had.
I asked Him to look after my mum and dad and help me get through my problems, I hope He heard but I’m not sure, what with him being busy with Biafra and everything.

After finishing with a silent amen, I got back into bed and snuggled down, trying to get some warmth back into me.

I shut my eyes and was just about to go back to sleep when I heard something.

I sat up and tried to listen. It was the sound the quiet crying coming from the next bed — Rachel’s. I was about to get up and then remembered, she was in Coventry. I listened for a few minutes as the sobbing gradually stopped and then decided that somehow I was going to speak to her tomorrow even though it might get me into trouble with the others. Perhaps I could do something.

I lay down again and soon I was asleep.

To be continued…

 

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Sorry if I have any spelling or grammar boo boos - I have done this in free-form and I know that I'm far from perfect.