Warren’s recovery helps him, as well as Nicole in finding themselves.

Thanksgiving is upon them and people are pressing Nicole for a Christmas list. She’s wanting makeup, but not just any makeup; she wants clothes but has become finicky about colors and styles; and she wants to redecorate her room, but sure her mother can’t afford the makeup table with mirrors and lights.

Lana and Marcia would be upset if she gets what she wants. Their mother says, “None of you are getting all that you want; nor is anyone being forgotten.”

My mother was soon behind me messing up my hair like I was still Nick. “Stop that Mom! I’m no longer a boy who doesn’t care about his hair.” She gives me a hug from behind, saying, “There are so many things that change with this.” Her hug brushes over my chest and I flinch as she does.

“Don’t tell me that’s changing?” I’m not sure what she’s talking about until she asks, “Are your breasts budding?” I tried to wiggle out of her grasp. I want them but was afraid she’ll stop me from having them.

Fortunately, Teri called and I slid away to answer my phone. “Thanks for calling Teri… What do you mean? No, Brenda didn’t hurt me… She what? No, I didn’t know…”

I call out to my mother, “Mother did you hear anything about Brenda being in an accident? Terri heard she got in an accident with someone she disliked.”

Mom says, “I heard that Hayley and her father were hurt in an accident. But they were taken to the hospital just as a precaution. Why, what did you hear?”

“Teri’s calling worried that I was the person she hit.”

Mother said, “I’ll call Hayley’s mother; I have her number.”

“Hayley Burris and her father are alright, but their car is history,” Mom said. “I guess Brenda’s father is already promising a new and better vehicle.”

The next day there were a bunch of us, students, at the mall talking and texting others. Several people asked if I was worried that Brenda might want to hurt me. That seemed strange to me as few people ever worried about Nick.

Teri, Talia, Sadie, Megan, Layla, and I went window shopping away from all the others. Teri and others were giggling and wouldn’t tell me what about, just saying, “You’ll see.”

I went running out of the store we were in and literally ran into Warren, just about knocking him over. He had a walking boot but no crutches. He quickly grabbed me, “Woe, don’t knock me down.”

I wasn’t ready for the big smooch and hug I got from him. I was beet red because we were out in public with a number of people watching me.

Part of me still is not used to being kissed in public by a boy. I gave Warren a squeeze, he winced, and I noticed. I looked at his right hand and saw a few knuckles were red or scraped.

He tried to tell me it was nothing, but Megan spoke up. “He’s been given a rough time for being with you.”

He said, “It’s not about you… Some don’t like me being public about myself.” He tried to convince me it was only once. But since he got injured in football I’m learning he’s had trouble with teammates as well.

When I complain about narrow-minded straight people; Teri informs me that at least one altercation was with a gay person who was upset Warren showed affections to me.

The following week I was distracted from studying; I've become more self-conscious that others might be talking about me.

One class report I did was not as good as it could have been if I proofread it. The first final exam suffered from a lack of concentration in studies. Something clicked and I was determined not to suffer anymore.

I studied with Teri or Megan and was with Warren, my friends or family. I have taken a liking to leggins as I continue to like skirts and dresses. The cold whisking up my legs, reminds me I’ve chosen to be a girl. Yesterday was an exception to my liking when someone bumped me hard and caused me to fall into a wet snowdrift. Having extra padding that gets wet and cold is the pits. My panty and leggings were wet and would be with me all day. Unlike other girls who hid a change in their lockers, I had not.

Learning to be Nicole was like a new adventure that gave color to my life, making so much new. It touched Nicolaus’s intrigue to explore and find new things. But they weren’t new or forbidden places or treasures; not like I would think. I explored sensations like colors, textures, fragrances. I often looked for at least one of each that was new each day. Where Nick might have said red was red, I now see so many different reds and shades of various red. Peach now held many tastes, smells, and colors.

Matt was better than most guys, but he too would laugh sometimes when I took interest in small things. Things that Teri and I liked to do. I liked taking him with us, but he becomes bored long before us. We even go and help him buy new jeans. Teri and I both liked seeing him fit into a snug pair.

The more Talia went her own way I found my longtime friendship with Teri blossoming with deeper feelings. I am sure that is partly why my mom wanted me to take my time with both her and Warren.

Talking with my Mom, Lana or Marcia were becoming special moments for me. They knew the feelings awakening inside of me. They usually refrained from teasing me, though I knew I sounded immature to them. Whether I thought my nipples were budding or saying I wanted a vagina, not a penis, they hung in there listening to me. They tended to listen much more than I would have. They reassured me again and again that I’d find my own way. They loved journeying with me, even my tiniest discoveries. I found it interesting that my journey helped them think of things they rarely considered anymore.

Grandma started teaching me to needlepoint and Lana joked I’d become an old spinster. I felt awkward trying to learn modern or jazz dancing, but Lana said it was part of me stretching myself. Well, I could do needlepoint on my own and in private. Taking dance lessons with other girls, and children much smaller than me was embarrassing. But I learned faster with them than I would have alone.

I wasn’t willing to be in dance recitals, nor put my needlework into contests or shows. I was learning as part of my own self-discovery. Teri would sometimes go watch me practice. She and others remarked as I grew more graceful away from practicing. It was a dance before Christmas. I was doing a fast dance with Warren and I became creative with some steps. He and others complimented me and I felt like I was beginning to arrive. I as Nicole was making some new marks.

Christmas brought new excitement for me as a girl. There was also the anxiety that I was at the point of no turning back. I have decided not to lose my boy parts for now, but I would continue living twenty-four seven in being Nicole from here on out.

My longtime friends were divided on how they felt about me. My new friends thought I should be angry and forget them, and some became upset that I wouldn’t. The life I was choosing wasn’t always easy but I found myself happier overall.

It was the Friday before Christmas, Teri and I were cuddling under a blanket at my house. Our hands had both made their way under the loose bra of the other. But it was I who had the surprise of a joyful moan. I hoped it did not find its way to my mother’s ears.

It was just the beginning as Teri rolled on top of me and with a hot passionate kiss began to make out with me girl to girl. I yelped softly once, “Teri, we shouldn’t.”

She asked, “If you want we can stop.” There’s a long pause as she wants me to say something one way or the other.

“I love you Teri; I’ve wanted this a long time.” It is I who stretch my neck to continue the kissing. I push my front against her and we continue making out.

I was in a slight melancholy mode after we finished until Teri asked, “What’s the mood for, I thought you liked it?”

I said, “I did, it’s not that but how am I going to tell Warren, I’ve chosen you?”

“Stop there,” Teri shoots back, “We made out, I didn’t ask to marry you or to go steady. I’m going to college and I’m sure you are too. I just thought it was time to make out.”

After Teri went home, my mom called me to her room. “I should be angry at you and Teri. It is not a big surprise, but I didn’t expect it tonight. What gives young lady?”

I didn’t want Teri to be blamed. I said, “It wasn’t planned but I kissed her and then got more passionate, and then we got carried away. You probably don’t want to hear me say it but it was beautiful. We were like two girls, no women.”

Mom asked, “So you two didn’t have intercourse?”

“Mom, Teri sees me as another girl. No, we didn’t.”

Mom says, “I suspect she sees you both ways, but, yes, mostly as Nicole. You smell a little too much like Nic; you need to take a good shower. I would like to talk to my youngest daughter a little more after you’re done and ready for bed.”

While I took care of my problem area, I spent most of my time enjoying being a girl. Shaving my legs is still fun, despite others saying that will change.

I am better at pat drying my hair and combing and then brushing it out with a hair blower. I am in a pair of baby-doll pajamas with one of my sisters’ robes. Mom is happy to see me return to sit with her.

Mom said, “You might think you are forever and ever in love with Teri. I don’t want to burst your bubble as I guess it could happen. However, I want…”

I interrupt her, “Mom, Teri already told me. It was so beautiful, but she said that was 70% sex and 30% emotion. I guess I have a lot to learn.”

Mom said, “I don’t know about percentages, but don’t discount it being an important experience. You’ll probably remember it for a long time. I do hope Teri is s forever friend. If it is more, only time will tell.” Mom said, “It is like a songbird, release it and if it comes back it’s yours. If it doesn’t it never was. It needs to be free.”

“Christmas is coming and you’ll get more gifts than usual this being your first Christmas as Nicole. Your Grandparents plan to give you a couple more gifts and my parents are giving me some extra money so I can do so too.”

Come morning, Mom said we needed to talk about my name. “You know, it would be good to get your name legally changed to Nicole, but we should also be thinking of a middle name.” She paused, “What do you think?”

I asked, “Did you and Dad have a name for me if I was a girl?”

“Your father liked the name, Lea or Leah. When I reminded him we were planning on a name beginning with an ‘N’ he said, “Then he better be a boy. We both agreed after you were born that you would have been as beautiful as Lea.”

“Nicole Lea Miller, it should be then.” It sounded beautiful to me. It was also very different for the girl becoming used to pretty things. It couldn’t be wrapped up and put under a tree. No one would understand its value as much as me. It was a link connecting me back to my Dad in a good way. It was a reflection of my Mom the woman who was helping me to shape my life. I surprise myself by saying it, but she’s my biggest influence and source of love in my life.

The Saturday Lana was back from college, she and Marcia took me shopping as we’re to get our Christmas gift for Mom. Lana was shaking her head now, I finally asked, “What’s with you and the head-shaking?”

Lana said, “You! I can’t believe the beautiful sister in front of me started with you making good on a bet. I didn’t believe it when I first saw you as an attractive girl at the beach. And now, you’re that girl inside and out. Mom’s actually going to legally change your name to Nicole Lea.” We reminisced between the three of us. Lana and Marcia both wondered if what happened was the result of my growing up in a house of women or from when I got into their clothes as a little boy.

Lana said, “You know Nicki while Mom loves you, she misses you as her son as well.”

I asked, “Is there a reason you felt the need to say that?”

Marcia intervened, “It is to let you know that you aren’t only loved because you are now a girl. Mom’s afraid you feel you’re loved more now that you’re a daughter. Each of us loved you before as well as now. It does seem to me that you are happier now and more outgoing.”

We were now going through a number of stores and had already bought two things for our Mom. “You know Lana and Marci, I never really enjoyed times like this before. Things I used to point out, you two would say ‘no’ to and I didn’t understand why and thought you were just being mean.”

Lana said, “You already have better tastes. What would you say to you and Mom enjoying a salon appointment together?”

“No, offense, but I’d still be worried about Mom bugging me about what she wanted instead of what I wanted.”

Lana asked, “So what do you find attractive with Warren? Have you made out yet?”

I turned, put my hands on my hips, and said, “You first tell me who you’ve made out with and who was the best?”

Marcia gasped, “Woe, when did you ever get so bold?”

“I think her question opened her up to questions coming back on her. What Warren and I have done or haven't is none of her business. Do you ask others such questions? I don’t think so.”

“I would be more open to talking about how as a girl one deals with the affections one has for other girls?” I respond to the expressions on their faces to indicate they have talked about it.

Lana says, “Let’s finish shopping, and then maybe we can talk more sister to sister. And I’m sorry, about what I said earlier. You’re right it was intrusive and condescending.” Lana gave me a hug that I was a little cold to her at first.

Lana as my oldest sister had been the one I looked up to the most. But having been away at college, I wasn’t used to being her sister. The night was important yet it was not all smooth and warm. The more she shared her own stories tonight I found myself warming up to her in new ways. The three of us were a little teary-eyed as we finished the night. My sisters and I had bought mom a three-piece outfit with me selecting a buying the skirt.

We all went to church together and though two people made distasteful remarks most people were nice, even apologizing for others. Mrs. Allman invited to take us out some time, while Lana was home. Two high school students made sure I knew I was welcome to the youth group meetings.

We went out to dinner and then we all returned home to wrap the last of our gifts.

It was Monday after a phone conversation that Mom called me over. “Our lawyer called and said it is official. You, young woman, are Nicole Lea Miller. You are forever my third daughter. It is not just a name change, you are recognized as being a female.”

Mom paused, seeing I was still in shock, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Don’t tell me you’re speechless?”

My eyes began to water before I caught myself. “Mom that is the most wonderful news. I know I’m a girl, but I didn’t expect the world to agree with me so quickly. Did Judge Harmon have anything to do with getting it passed so soon?”

Mom said, “It was Judge Harmon and State Senator Reed. I think they wanted to get it quickly approve while everyone was distracted by the holidays. They both believed it was the right thing to do, but weren’t anxious for others to know they pushed for its quick approval.”

Why don’t you go tell Teri, Warren, and whoever else you wish to, but be ready to go to your Grandma’s tonight for Christmas Eve.