Each test, experience, doctor visit, as well as each time one steps out and grows as Nicole, even as Nick. It is like one part of a large tapestry coming together.”

I giggled at Mom, “I’ve heard you use that analogy of a tapestry before, and I often felt bad that as a boy I thought it was such a neat saying.”

I stayed as Nick and forced myself to dress as Nick to school on Tuesday. I left at the end of the school day and apologized for pulling out a tube of lipstick. I even purred a little as I put it on once we were first sitting in her car.

Two blocks away from the school, I knew Talia wasn’t taking me directly home. Another turn and I knew it was the route she used to go home. “I want you to relax at my place. Do you have more makeup with you…”

I came home from Talia’s dressed as Nicole, despite having gone to school in Nick mode. Mom was mildly upset even after Talia and I admitted her help began after I was dressed in a bra, panty, and pantyhose. My mom said that was still too skimpy, she suspected that I completely changed in Talia’s presence. The truth was I took my underpants off and put on the panty Talia and her sister provided before I came out of their bathroom. But I had joked letting my mother think whatever she wanted.

Upset, I told my mother, “You shouldn’t get upset, it’s not like girls don’t change in the presence of other girls. Girls shower and change in locker rooms don’t they?”

Mom says, “You’re not one of the girls yet and knowledge of things like this could backfire and stop you from getting accepted by the school and others as a girl. If word of things like this get out, you could be hurting your reputation as well as Talia’s.”

Talia said, “I’m sorry, but it was like I told you, he/she was changed into the bra and panty with a panty-liner before we began to help Nicole get dressed. We gave her a makeup lesson and looked at hairstyles together before we brought Nicole home. …I’m sorry but I felt bad for Nick, I would tell it had been a long two days.”

Marcia giggled, “Was two days too long Nicole? Nick was a boy for nearly seventeen years.”

I spoke up, “Marcia, I’m right here and yes it was a long two days. There was teasing. A bit like you’re doing now. I’m sorry if my getting into this girl thing a bit is too fast for you. I’m torn between two school schedules, being Nick and Nicole. I as Nicole, don’t like being flat-chested but because I’m also Nick, I put up with it. …Talia didn’t do it for her but me. She too has been hassled about liking a girly-boy. It would be easier for her if I was Nick 24/7.”

Marcia turned to Talia, “Is that true.” It was now Talia who was ready to cry; a moment later and she did.

Through her sniffles, she said, “I like Nicole, but yes, it would be a lot easier if she was Nick all the time. I feel guilty that I caused part of this, even though Nicole says she was already here.”

“She liked pretending, but that’s all I thought it ever was,” Marcia said and went on to explain.

Mom took me off alone. She said, “I heard back from Dr. Miles. She said she got the test results back and if possible we should get together Friday. Her afternoon was blocked out so she could leave early. She would prefer seeing us at 12:30 instead of next week.”

“Mom, what did she say the results indicated that cause her to want to see us sooner?”

Mom said, “She didn’t say. She said it wasn’t an emergency or anything to be upset about. She wouldn’t say more. She said, she owed to say it first to you. She called twice since school let out and finally decided to ask me to share her suggestion about getting together Friday.”

Mom agreed with me that if it indicated I was all boy, it would not likely be an issue worth mentioning. Hugging me, she said, “Honey, I can’t imagine what this time of change and waiting must be like. I am well impressed with you and your friends Talia and Teri. Boy or girl, you couldn’t have better friends.”

I asked, “Mom can I share a dilemma I have?” She nodded yes, so I dared to open up. “I have strong feelings for both Teri and Talia and I don’t know how to tell them. What should I do?”

Mom asked, “Do you like them both as Nick and Nicole?”

“Teri’s my best friend as Nick, but my warm feelings for both of them is more like Nicole. But I also like guys as Nicole.”

Mom acknowledged she didn’t know what to say, other than I take my time. “Nicole, I am not comfortable with you changing in the presence of your friends. Getting directions on how to wear something shouldn’t require you dressing in front of them; makeup, hair, and jewelry are different.”

I mentioned, “Mom not all bracelets easily fit around my wrists?”

She said, “I know a crossdresser and a trans person who found out the same thing about bracelets and possibly necklaces. We may need to purchase some fine jewelry that has two to three extra sections. Fine jewelry costs more, you’ll need to take better care of those pieces.”

Marci started to complain, and Mom spoke up, “Marci you have nothing to whine about. You have many nice pieces of jewelry and much more in the way of the bling, beads, and sparkle.” I stuck my tongue at Marci and Mom swiftly remarked that was unladylike. It might not be, but I can attest to that my sisters have done it quite often.

Wednesday and Thursday were uneventful. I did go to school as Nicole and while I was teased a little that was now falling in the category of normal.

Friday, I was going to go to school as Nick, but I had not told my mom. She woke me at 6:15 saying I needed to get up. She reminded me it took longer getting ready as a girl.

“Mom this was going to be a Nick day. I thought Dr. Miles should know I take this side seriously too.”

“Well, then we need the time to take off those breast forms,” I told mom to never mind and I got up, showered, and dressed as Nicole. Mom had gone to work but was at school before noon to take me to my appointment.

Dr. Hanna had a new receptionist, Holly, who greeted me so warmly that I asked, “Do you mind that I’m supposed to be a boy.”

Holly said, “You make a very attractive girl, but I suspect the other part of you can be special too. I hope you like seeing Dr. Miles?” I wanted to talk with her longer, but mom said we should be seated and wait.

Before I went to my seat, I said, “Yes, she’s very smart. I don’t understand how she knows what to say when.”

The nurse came out to get me, and she had me get on a scale to weigh me. I said, “I don’t understand why someone coming to see a psychiatrist has to be weighed each time.”

The nurse said, “Dr. Miles likes to know these small things to see if your life is changing. Like the fact that you have lost 2.1 pounds since you first saw her.”

I said, “It’s my diet and doing aerobics mostly. I want to lose some weight, especially around my waist.” She cautioned me to be healthy about doing it.

One of Dr. Miles' questions was around my losing the weight and trying to trim my waist. “What do you as Nicolaus think of you losing weight to be Nicole?”

I said, “Pete hasn’t said anything, and Talia, Teri, and the other girls accept me as either Nick or Nicole.”

She asks, “How do you feel about being Nick and how do you feel about being Nicole?”

I said, “You wanted to see me because the test scores came back. They’re what I’m interested in talking about?” Dr. Miles laughed at my inserting myself and looked to my mother.

Mom agreed, “I guess, we’re both interested, thinking that is why we came.”

“Well,” Dr. Hanna said, “Yes, the results are back and they show a strong leaning to your mindset being female. And the blood results show a lower testosterone level than normal and elevated estrogen levels. Neither in themselves are conclusive in themselves. Some men are living happily with similar levels. Though most others do not have all the indicators that you do.”

Dr. Miles comes around her desk and leans back against it. I like how she’s dress and find myself wondering how she dresses when she’s not working. I think she would be more attractive if not dressed professionally. I find myself guessing what colors she would wear.

“Is it okay to talk to you as Nicole today?” I agree and she continues, “You have spent the most of seventeen years, happily being a boy and that needs to be strongly considered. And yet the last few weeks shows a strong identity as Nicole. And with the other indications, we need to consider if adolescence and puberty are settling in and indicating a change and the emergence of Nicole.”

Mom and I look back and forth at each other and then to Dr. Miles. Almost in unison, we say, “And so?”

Dr. Miles said, “One possibility in going forward would be for Nicole to go to school as a girl for the remaining half of this year to see how she does. She could dress as Nicolaus on weekends and school breaks. Another possibility would be to do it the other way around as Nick. The third choice which I don’t recommend would continue to do as we’re doing now. I think some consistency is needed to figure out how you are doing with the emergence of Nicole’s identity.”

I turn to Mom saying, “I favor the first option.” Mom spoke up, “I agree, though you can talk with me before you make a final decision if you prefer.”

“The one problem that I see is it would require more clothes and accessories. But it should be easier for the school and others to accept me. I do wonder if I could dress as Nick once a month to school to let people know I have continue to have two identities.”

Mom and Dr. Miles agree I could do that. Dr. Miles says and mom agreed, “It sounds like you have been thinking through this quite a lot?” I nod in agreement.

I ask, “Could I receive a low dose testosterone blocker, to make sure my body doesn’t change more toward being male? My searches say it wouldn’t be a problem if we do it for three to four months.”

Dr. Miles says, “I was going to suggest that as a possibility if your mom doesn’t mind.” Mom agreed it was acceptable. Dr. Miles says, “If you are open to it I can give you a shot now and I can give you a prescription so you can take it regularly. We could wait until the next appointment if you would prefer.”

I don’t like needles but this didn’t hurt.

We were soon riding home and I went to text Teri and Talia. Mom asked me to first text Lana, which I did. “Lana, I’m going to be your sister more of the time I hope you don’t mind.” We had about ten minutes until we were home. I decided to wait and tell Marcia personally. But I got a call, Lana wanted to talk instead of text.

I had to go through most of the appointment as Lana questioned more deeply everything I said. “If you want to stay Nicole some time you should come on a Friday and stay as my little sister with me.” She reminded me that she had a suite and we would share the shower only with Megan. There were three others but they shared a bathtub as well as a shower and double sink.

I could tell Mom was amused hearing half the conversation, she could faintly hear Lana.

We were greeted by Marcia and she already had made a large salad for dinner. She didn’t seem surprised about my news but she was happy for me. She turned to Mom, “Are you going to let me take her shopping so she has enough clothes?”

Mom insisted, “You and I need to be in agreement about a limit. We can get some fall clothes and even start her winter wardrobe. But I won’t have you getting carried away. My budget just won’t allow for that one. And Nicole, you are already more expensive than Nick.”

I joked, “Shouldn’t you blame him for the two sides of us?”

It is after dinner and my washing the dinner plates that I text to both Talia and Teri about staying as Nicole for school. I told them about the testosterone blocker and that was just between us.

Talia texts, “That’s good news as Warren Hotch is interested in taking you out if you decided to remain as Nicole. Are you interested?”

I text back, “What about you and me?”

“I’m interested, but Bill Braddley has asked me out. I was surprised and you know I’ve always had feelings for him. So if you’re interested in Warren, I’d consider going out with Billy.”

Warren’s a senior and a tight end though he isn’t terribly big. Talia says he’s very strong for his size. I thought he was a good looking guy, maybe now it’s okay to say he’s handsome. Like a lot of responses, I’m cautious and say, “Let me think on it.”

Teri text me, “Marci has asked me if I want to go shopping with you and her at four tomorrow? I’d like to but thought we needed to talk first.”

“I’ll talk to my sister. Yes, I’d be glad if you came, but Marci doesn’t make my decisions for me. I guess that’s a difference from being Nick.”

I said, “Why don’t we go to my house after school. You know part of what I have, you could help me think about filling the gaps in my wardrobe.”

Teri says, “I hope it includes a new pair of ankle boots, you could use them especially when we’re wearing heels or boots. A pair of hipster jeans, and even a mini-skirt or two. Make sure you wear your cutlets. I sure hope the testosterone blocker will allow some more boob growth.”

I said, “I don’t want boobs if I change my mind and go back to being a guy.”

Teri interrupted, “You and I googled the same information. If it is just for a short time it shouldn’t be permanent.”

I begin to giggle as I say it, “But ‘shouldn’t’, doesn’t mean for sure. Can you see me as Nick with ‘B’ cup breasts?” I say “Oops” and Teri asked if I wet my panty. “How did you know?”

Teri giggles, “You don’t know everything girly, you weren’t expecting to lose control of yourself.”

The subject quickly changed as she asked about our math homework. I ask questions about our reading assignments and reports. I’m a good student, but poor in proofreading my reports. She says, “You know you’re better in comprehension now? I think Nicole relaxes better and remembers what she’s read.”

Teri and I are soon at my house. Teri’s going through my limited wardrobe. And I’m off to the shower and relax being me. Marci has brought up new sheets and a comforter from the washer and dryer. They are off pink sheets and a more girly comforter. Marci reminds me, “After your shower, you should let Mom know if you appreciate them.”

I now take my time in the shower, imagining more and more my time as a girl. Felling breasts larger and more alive than they are. I’m enjoying the luxurious feeling of my hair and skin as I take better care of things. They are not yet where I’d like but that growth is real. I’m out of the shower patting my skin until I can allow it to air dry the remainder of the way.

Part of the joy in being a sister is Marci doesn’t mind seeing me as Nicole. Teri even enjoys our interaction as sisters. Teri and I talk about what I need in the way of clothes. My time is well spent with Teri. Once she giggled and I asked what about. Teri said, “I use to think of you as another girl. The glow of your complexion and you trimming your waist now add to it.” We hugged and giggled.

Teri and Talia have both chided me not to look sneakily at my sisters when they’re changing or showering like Nick might be tempted. If I looked it would no longer be as Nicolaus, but Nicole wanting to get a glimpse of her beauty. I yearn more and more to be like her and Lana. No, I wouldn’t sneak a look, it did happen naturally at Marica initiative. She had called me to her room after her shower one evening and dropped her towel revealing herself in all her glory, before quickly pulling over a nightshirt.

I did lay down the law with my sister; neither she or Lana were to be making decisions with my friends that was up to me. I, like she and Lana, was determined to have my own look as far as fashion. Yes, I wanted and needed their help as well as from my friends. I was becoming Nicole, and how I did so wasn’t their decision.

The day out shopping with Marci, Talia and Teri went well. I liked adding a pair of jeans that hugged me, and a pair of dress slacks to the other things I bought. We sent pictures back to my mom. I was surprised when she encouraged me to buy a knit dress for just the fall season. Teri had pointed out one that I like.

Come the following Tuesday morning, my mother held me out of school; come ten o’clock she took me to a medical place that often worked with women following various surgeries or medical problems. “They also work with people like yourself. They can fit you properly not only with breast forms appropriate to your size and age. You’ll be fitted as we discussed with vagina gaffs. We’ll purchase an extra for the purpose of cleaning them and in keeping with good hygiene.” My was stressing good hygiene.

I thought the person helping us would have been surprised with my cooperation. She was very nice as well as professional. The breast forms we bought were able to absorb body heat and in time feel warm as well as soft.

What wasn’t fun, with school time I missed I had to work and study harder. I had two reports due because I had various doctor appointments. I needed to satisfy more requirements instead of them being forgiven. One seemed to be purely because the school had to make decisions on my status.

I know a number of things in presenting myself as a female are a mixture of cosmetic, and more serious reasons. The size of breasts was just one of those. Mom insisted my breast size was to be similar to Marci’s at my age. Lana has always been bigger than Marcia, which became her own blessing and curse.

Having a gaff didn’t force me to sit like other women to pee, that came automatically as Nicole. But it allowed me to automatically respond as a female in going pee. There was no need to control or fold back my penis. That it helped to flatten my front and hide my boy parts was helpful.

A quick change of clothes and refreshing my appearance I was back to school to eat and start my afternoon classes. Teri, Sadie, and Talia were happy to have me back in school. Sadie yelped about my coming to school as Nicole, “Great girl!” It caused others to turn and look. I am not sure how many knew about me by the end of school the day. We each probably shared with someone who wasn’t supposed to tell. But there were plenty more who knew by the end of classes.

Madi, Warren Hotch’s sister, asked me as I left school, is it true that you’re going to be staying as Nicole?”

I told her ‘yes’; without explaining the weekend option. Teri was the first to tell me it probably would make a difference with others as well. I told the three of them, “I wished Madi hadn’t asked. I’m not wanting to know about another boy liking me.”

Teri asked, “Does that mean, you’re not at all interested in Warren or other boys? You know there’s a dance coming up for homecoming weekend. And even when we do things as a group, we often split up in pairs.”

I rushed to say, “We don’t always split up boy and girl.”

It was a few days later that I got a call from Warren, asking if we could meet and just talk. We decided on Sunday afternoon when it was a beautiful fall day. We went out to a beautiful county park with a number of walking trails.

I was nervous and I guess is showed. I liked the fact that Warren asked if he could hold my hand. We had walked to where two trails met and we decided to walk the other trail back to where we had started. It was lucky enough that I wore a vest under my light jacket. But wearing a skirt, which looked sharp, was not the best idea for staying warm. It did provide an excuse for him to put an arm around my waist.

We were almost back to his car; when he asked, “How did you do it, the tone of your waist feels as nice or better than the other girls I’ve dated?”

I know it was meant as a compliment. It also meant he was seeing me as a girl who should feel like a boy. He was ready to apologize when I put a finger over his lips. I said, “Thanks for being sensitive, but we can’t worry about everything we say or how the other is going to react. I know for me today has been nice. If I’m not being too forward? Yes, I’d like to go out again with you?”

Warren lit up, “Would you be open to being my date for the homecoming dance that Saturday? I’d like if you’re willing to help some other girls with our homecoming float.”

I quickly thought, ‘That would mean working with Brenda Green, Tiffany, and other senior girls.’ I wasn’t sure how well that would work for me, until Warren said, “Julia and Haylie already said they’d be there for you.”

Julia and Haylie, were girls I admired and neither was going to be run over by the others. I asked, “Would it be possible to hear that from one of them?”

We had gone to a pizza place that was often frequented by others our age. Warren smiled, “Julie’s a cousin, I’m sure she’d be willing to come over tomorrow if that would be soon enough.”

I joked, “You mean she would drop everything just to help me?” Warren was half believing me until I told him otherwise. He looked passed me and I knew someone else was there. “Please, don’t tell me it is one of them?”

Someone touched me with a perfume wand. I said, “It is heavier than you usually use.” It was Haylie’s voice, “Less is more, but it was to let you know we’re here. Have your sisters told you that yet that less is more?” Julia and Haylie are there.

Julia says, “Haylie and I are sort of sisters. We’ll be glad to be there for you. One thing don’t mess Warren up.”

I quickly spoke up, “It’s just homecoming and I’m willing to do what he wants but I haven’t committed anything beyond that.”

“Now it’s your turn to relax. Hi, I’m Julia and we’d be happy to be there if you take part. It will be a good girl experience for you. Instead of Warren’s tomorrow can you come home with us today?”

Warren said good-bye and I find myself walking to the girl car. I’m staring wondering why, though the thought excites me no end. Julia says, “I don’t want you just showing up in anything, especially what a boy might think is appropriate.”

Julia and Warren live in a better part of the community and while Haylie isn’t from a rich family she is highly thought of. Word is Haylie has applied to Stanford and two Ivy league schools though she’s a free spirit. The truth is I don’t know how prestigious those school are. Haylie and Julia both seem down to earth to me.

I text my Mom and it is set I can go to Julia’s. “Please, don’t take advantage of them if they try to help you.”

Julia had driven her 2016 Mustang GT today, which wasn’t comfortable for me in the3 back seat. Once there Haylie helped to pry me out of the backseat. Mrs. Stonecroft welcomes us but wanted to talk to her daughter.

Julia came back, saying things were okay. “My mom just wanted Haylie and me to understand that helping you doesn’t get us out of our workout for basketball… Haylie, she mentioned you have a painting you’re working on.”

I said, “I thought it was to be easier if your family has money?”

Julia smiled, “My Mom heard that too. She told me she wasn’t raising any spoiled brat! But relax Mom wants us to have fun.”

Haylie went to work on her painting and Julia took me to her sister Sarah’s room. “Needless to say unless we wanted a smock my body is too long for you to wear my clothes. Would you mind wearing a cut-off jumper she doesn’t wear?”

Sarah says, “Go to it, I wouldn’t wear that pair even to please Grandma.”

They look great to me and with a blue top, they throw to me. I put them on and I’m wondering what the problem is. Sarah calls, “Mom, you should see this we found some who looks goo in these bib cut-offs!”

Their Mom looks in and smiles, “Yes, things fit like they were made for her.” I can tell Mrs. Stonecroft is looking where my legs meet. I’m tempted to say, ‘Yes, biologically, I am still a boy.’ It did make me feel good if that was what she was thinking.

I knew I was entering a life that never would have opened to Nicolaus…

To be Continued…