For some reason I couldn't sleep.

 

Orphan 20

by Susan Brown

 

We went to bed a bit later that night — we had been allowed to watch a film — Whistle down the Wind, with Hayley Mills. It was about three children on a north Lancashire farm help hide an escaped criminal who they believe is actually Jesus Christ.

It was a great film, but by the time it was finished, I was ready for my bed.

We all went up to the dorm after the film ended and I was soon changing into my nightie and brushing my teeth. I brushed my hair fifty times, as one of the women’s magazines I read said you should do that so your hair stays shiny and manageable. I don’t know if that’s true, but by the time I had finished, my arms ached a lot.

I said goodnight to the other girls and because some of them wanted to talk a bit and the bedside lights were quite bright, I pulled the curtains around my bed and slipped under the covers. Teddy was waiting for me so I gave her a kiss and cuddle, whispered goodnight and shut my eyes, holding her tightly in my arm.

Gradually the sounds grew less and the lights went out. I think that we were all tired and as everyone, including me (gulp), had to go to school the next day, the room soon got quiet and all I could hear was Paula, snoozing quietly across the room. I knew it was Paula as she was the only one who snored — though she swore that she never did!

For some reason I couldn't sleep. Things were going around in my mind; the tennis match with Tasmin; could I beat her and was I just being stupid even trying? The fact that I may not get on well at school. I was so worried about appearing like a freak at school, no matter what the head mistress said to the contrary. At my last school, if you were clever, then you were marked out as being someone to be picked on. I’m sure my friends here like Tracy and Rachel would look out for me, but there are plenty of places in a school where you could be cornered. Then there was the uniform, would I look like a boy dressed as a girl in that silly uniform? The teachers would know that I am a boy under the girls’ clothes, would they give me away? Did I really want to be a girl and was it wrong and sinful to want to be one?

Too many questions and not enough answers. I yawned; I really was tired; shutting my eyes, transferring Teddy to my other arm and turning over, I fell asleep…

The next morning I work up before the alarm. No one was awake; I quietly pulled the curtain back and saw that the time was twenty minutes to seven. The alarm would go off at seven o’clock and I decided to get up and dressed before the rush.

I got up and quietly opened my wardrobe, taking out my uniform, undies and wash things.

I padded over to the door and went into the bathroom. I went to my usual cubicle and took off my nightie. It was cool that morning so I had goose bumps. Quickly washing and then drying myself, I then looked at my uniform, folded on the chair. I picked up my panties and put them on and then with a deep breath and a slight shudder, I proceeded to put on the uniform.

First the white round, soft collared blouse. I had a few problems with the tiny buttons but managed to do them up after a bit of fumbling. Then I pulled on long white socks and the shiny black shoes. Finally I put on the ankle length green pinafore dress, it felt a bit heavy and uncomfortable, but the other girls managed, and I would have to get used to it.

By this time, the alarm had gone off and I could hear some signs of activity, coming from the outside.

I looked at myself in the mirror and then remembered that I had not put on the tie ribbon.

I picked up the red ribbon and tried to put it on and make it look correct and straight. I just didn’t seem to get it right. I opened the door and there was Rachel.

‘Hi Rachel, can you help me with this flaming ribbon?’

‘Sure, hang on a minute; I’ll see you at your bed.’

‘OK.’

I walked over to my bed, very conscious of my long dress and sat down, smoothing it under me as I did so. Kids were coming in and out in various stages of undress and it was a bit hectic to say the least. I did wonder why so few girls could make that much noise, but then shrugged my shoulders thinking that I was as bad as them sometimes.

Rachel came into the room, dressed as I was but with her tie on and looking as it should.

‘Right, lets get you sorted; we have to be quick, its breakfast soon and you know what Cook is like if her eggs go cold!’

She picked up the ribbon and then pulled my collar up.

‘Right, look in your mirror as I do this and then you can see how it’s done.’

‘She expertly tied the bow up and I could see where I went wrong.

‘Right, you try it.’

I undid the ribbon and then re tied it and then did it again. On the second attempt, it was okay. We didn’t have any more time as it we had to get down to breakfast.

‘Come on you two,’ said Tracy, ‘ if we don’t get down soon, Nicola will pinch all the sausages!’

As I sat eating my breakfast, I was quieter than the other girls and I didn’t seem to have much of an appetite.

‘You okay?’ said Paula in my ear.

‘Yes, just a bit nervous about today.’

‘Don’t be; it’s a nice school, most of the kids are great and we just bounce the head of anyone who is nasty. The teachers aren’t too bad either; I think that you’ll love it.’

‘I hope so,’ I said without much hope.

After breakfast, we brushed our teeth and picked up our bags. Soon, after putting on the cape and school hat, we were on the bus heading towards the first day at my new school.

As we arrived and went through the school gates, there were what appeared to be hundreds of girls milling about and waiting to go in.

As I got off the bus, I felt incredibly shy and worried. I waited for someone to point at me and scream ‘BOY!’ but it didn’t happen. Yes, I got a few curious glances but more, ‘oh there’s a new girl,’ rather than,’ what’s that boy doing there dressed like us!’

We filed into the school when the bell went. It was quite hot waiting to go into the school; the clothes were more suited to the winter and I was more than a little sticky as we finally got moving.

I said goodbye to my friends and went to the office. Before I left them, they all gave me a hug, which was nice and Tracy whispered, ‘See you later and good luck.’

It was so nice to have people look out for me and with a lump in the throat, I knocked on the office door.

‘Come in,’

I walked in and there was a lady that I hadn’t seen before behind a desk typing furiously on a big old fashioned typewriter.

She stopped and said, ‘blast!’ she pulled out the sheet of paper and tossed it in the bin, ‘I’ve told them time and time again that we need a new typewriter, this thing keeps jamming!’

Looking up she smiled and said, ‘you look like a new girl.’

‘Yes Miss.’

‘And you are?’

‘Pardon?’

‘What’s your name, dear?’

‘Stephanie.’

‘That’s a nice name, my sisters youngest is a Stephanie. My name is Mrs Mills; now hang on, I’ll get your file.’

She went over to a filing cabinet and pulled it open. She sorted through some folders and found a buff coloured one and took it out.

‘Here we are; sit down for a minute and I’ll see what's’ what.’

I sat down on a wooden chair and waited. I was getting a bit hot with the long dress and cape. I was holding the hat so at least my head wasn't boiling!

‘Right, my instructions are to take you to Miss Morris who is your form mistress. She’s nice, you’ll like her All the other girls and teachers will be going into assembly so you will have to wait for about half an hour. It will give me time to show you your locker room and where you change. Come on, follow me.’

Following her out of her office, I struggled to keep up with her as she was going along at a fair old clip!

She pointed out several rooms like the toilet, kitchens, dining room and places like that she also pointed to several lines on the floor.

‘See those lines?’

‘Yes.’

White is for First years, blue for second and green for third. Okay?’

‘Yes.’

‘It gives the girls and idea where there form rooms and other year specific rooms are when they first start. The lines lead to those rooms. If you get lost, just follow the lines and other signs and you are bound to get to the room you want. You’ll get used to it in a while and then you won’t need the lines.’

‘Okay.’

As you can probably tell, I was a bit tongue tied and still very concerned that I might not ‘hit it off’ here.

Eventually, we came to a room that said, ‘1st year changing room and lockers.

I followed Mrs Mills into the room, which was large with some lockers on one side and some doors on the other. At the end was another door which just said, ‘Toilet and Showers, Please keep clean.’

Mrs Mills waked over to the lockers, checked something on a paper she was holding and then walked up to one. Being eagle eyed, I had noticed that most of the lockers had a name on them.

‘Here we are, Stephanie, this is your locker.’

She took out a key from her pocket and handed it to me.

I went over to the locker and opened it. Inside was a red gingham dress on a hanger.

‘After assembly, you can change out of your formal uniform. If you are a bit shy, use one of the changing rooms over there,’ she said pointing to the doors over the other side, ‘a lot of girls do that, so you don’t need to feel self conscious. Go and change now and bring your formals back here.’

I took the dress out and went over to one of the doors; I slipped into the small room and shut the door behind me. It was a relief to take off the heavy formal uniform and when I had done so, I waited a few moments before dressing again, to help me cool off. I must have looked a sight standing there in panties, long socks and shiny black shoes!

Once I had cooled down a bit, I put on the gingham dress which went down to my knees. It was light and cool and a lot more comfortable than the other one!

I did up the four buttons at the top of the dress and then I was ready. Picking up my other uniform, I left the changing room and went over to Mrs. Mills who was waiting patiently by my locker.

‘Well dear, you look a lot more comfortable in that dress. I wish they could change rule about the formal uniform, but evidently, it’s written in stone. Hang up your other one and then we’ll go and see your form mistress.’

I did as I was asked and then closed the locker door. I could see that my name had been put on the door and it made me feel rather good, as if I belonged.

‘Before we go, you might want to brush your hair.’

There were several long mirrors dotted about the room, and I went over to one of them, opened my bag and fished out my brush. Soon my hair was in good shape again and looking at myself, I looked the same as all the others girls; no sign of Mark there at all!

As we left the changing room, I jumped slightly as I heard the sound of a bell in the distance. There was a short silence followed by a lot of hurrying footsteps and noises, getting closer.

‘Don’t worry, dear; assembly has finished and the girls are going to change prior to lessons. Watch out you might get knocked over in the rush!’

Suddenly, a herd of kids came around the corner. They were all dressed in formals and were coming our way!

To avoid being crushed, we flattened ourselves against the wall. Mrs. Mills shouted at the top of her voice ‘WALK, DON’T RUN!’

It seemed to slow them a bit and I saw a few of my friends in the melee including Tracy, who was chewing gum and Melanie who was talking animatedly to another girl.

Tracy caught sight of me and waved, mouthing, ‘see you later.’

I nodded and followed Mrs. Mills as she made a path through the mass of bodies.

Soon we were through the heaving mass and heading back the way we came. Still following a white line, we came to another door which said 1st year Form Room.

Mrs. Mills knocked on the door and we went in.

There were several rows of desks and at the front was a larger desk with a woman sitting behind it reading a book.

She looked up and smiled.

‘Hello, Rita and you must be my new girl, Stephanie.’

She stood up and I could see that she was very tall, nearly 6 feet, I would have thought.

She came over and shook my hand.

‘Hello Stephanie, welcome to the school and in particular the 1st form school room. Thanks Rita, I’ll take over from here.’

I turned around and said, ‘Thank you Mrs. Mills, you’ve been very kind.’

‘Oh you are nice. I do like politeness in a girl.’

I went a bit red and she just smiled.

‘If you need anything, just pop into the office; okay?’

I nodded and she left the room.

‘Right Stephanie; we have about five minutes before the mob arrives. I want to speak to you after registration but for now, well just find a seat for you and I’ll see you later. You are excused lessons this morning so you don’t need to worry about being anywhere, okay?’

‘Yes Miss.’

‘Good; now you can sit over there by the wall, it’s not used by anyone as the girl who used to use it has moved.’

I went to sit down as directed and I just waited for the other girls to arrive.

A bell went somewhere and then, once again I could here the sound of excited chatter and the clomping of shoes on the hard wooden floors outside. The door opened and a stream of girls came in. I recognised Tracy, Rachel and Phillipa and gave them a little wave.

Other girls looked at me with curiosity but no signs of being shocked at seeing a boy in a dress, thank goodness!

With a clattering, banging of desks and scraping of chairs, everyone eventually sat down. One of the girls, thin about my age, red hair, freckles and glasses sat down by me and said, ‘hello,’ with a smile.

‘Hello,’ I said, a bit shyly.

‘Right, quieten down you rabble before I get my ruler out and thump a few knuckles.’

As I looked around, I could se a few grins and assumed that this was a threat rather than a promise.

‘Okay; some of you may have been observant enough to notice a new girl; she is Stephanie and I would like you all to welcome her in the usual way.’

I felt myself go all red as everyone stood up and clapped me!

‘Okay, enough of that; we don’t want her to get a swollen head like Tracy, do we?’

There was general laughter at that and a smiling scowl from Tracy.

‘Okay, let’s do the register.’

Miss Morris went through the names of everybody and I got my elbow joggled before I remembered to say ‘here.’ Believe it or not, I was listening out for my boy name — Mark!

‘Right girls; a few things, I have a note from the Head. It has been noticed that some girls are not wearing their hats outside of school. You all know the rules. Anyone who doesn’t wear their hat at the appropriate time or cape for that matter, will get ten demerits. Another item; the school toilets are not for hanging around in. They are there for a purpose, use them for that. Any girl who still wants to enter the spelling competition, see me at dinner time. There are only a few spaces so to avoid disappointment, come and see me. The chess club is starting again, this term and we want to win the area championship again, so all those girls interested, put your name on the list on the notice board. Lastly, hockey; As Juliet has moved away, there is a space for a new girl in the team. Trials are to be held on Friday after school in the playing fields. That’s it; off you go to class and WALK DON’T RUN!’

Stephanie and Petra, can you wait behind, please?’

Everyone left as the girl sitting next to me said, ‘I’m Petra.’

‘Oh, hi Petra.’

‘Hi, yourself.’

Everyone left, Tracy and the other girls from the home came over before they left.

‘Hi, Pet,’ said Tracy, ‘See you at break, Steph, you to Pet.’

‘Okay,’ we both said together and giggled as Tracy said, ‘Ooh Stereo!’

When the room was quiet again, Miss Morris came over.

‘Okay, Stephanie. Petra here is going to look after you for a few days and make sure you get to the right classrooms and don’t get lost. Okay Petra?’

‘Yes Miss.’

‘I was going to let Tracy do it, because you know her already, but I don’t want you to get into trouble too soon, so I thought that Petra would be a better option.’

I smiled at that; knowing Tracy, I could imagine what she would do!

‘Petra, could you wait outside for a moment — I won’t be long.’

‘Yes Miss.’

Petra went out, pulling the door too behind her.

‘Right Stephanie, I know about your circumstances and why you are here. As the Head explained, we have had a few boys here that wanted to be girls. I must say, you look very much a girl to me. What was your boys’ name?’

‘Mark, Miss.’

‘Well, we are all here to help you to decide what you want to be, girl or boy. You are very young to decide this and anything we can do to help you to make up your mind, we will do. You will find all the teachers very supportive and if you have any problems are worries come to me, okay?’

‘Yes Miss.’

‘If I’m not around, any other teacher will help you, now lets get Petra back in, shall we?’

Petra came in and then after a few minutes explaining where we were to go, Miss Morris finished.

‘OK girls, off you go, oh Stephanie, here is your timetable.’

She handed a card to me, glancing at it I could see that it was spit up into days and periods.

We walked out of the form room. It was fairly quiet outside as everyone had gone to lessons. I could hear some singing and the tinkling of a piano coming from somewhere but other than the murmur of voices from inside the classroom, it was peaceful.

‘Right,’ said Petra, ‘Let’s go and have a sit down somewhere, shall we?’

‘Okay.’

We went outside and found a spot by the side of the hockey fields. We sat on the grass and I was careful to smooth my dress under me as sat down.

Petra looked at me; she had a sort of frown on her face.

‘Is something wrong?’

‘I don’t know. I couldn’t help hearing you talk to Miss Morris while I was waiting outside the form room; it wasn’t very clear, but I think she said you aren’t a girl, but a boy called Mark…what’s going on?’

To be continued...

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