Easy As Falling Of A Bike.
by Angharad.
part 16.

I collected the jacket I had borrowed from Stella, from the back of my chair, and slipped it on. My head was throbbing, although the ice pack had reduced the egg from duck sized to bantam. At times it felt as if the chicken were still attached to it.

Stella and Simon had gone through the door, he waited holding it open for me, for which I thanked him. He nodded in response. He then escorted me over to his car, holding my arm as I tottered out on the heels, clicking my way across the car park.

I kept telling myself that it was just a car and I could drive it, interspersed with less heartening things; if you crash it he'll kill you. I could barely walk on the heels, so how was I supposed to drive in them.

"Remember, you don't need to move your left foot at all," tutored Simon.

"But I'll either fall over or walk round in circles," I replied not appreciating his comment or its context.

"No you silly girl, once you start the car. Just pop it in drive and off she goes, use the right foot only."

"I'll never remember," I wailed.

"How can you forget, right foot only, accelerate or brake, what could be simpler? They make automatics for people with disabilities to make it easier not harder to drive their fucking cars!" Simon snarled at me.

"There is no need to swear," I said to him, but thought he would probably have every right to in a few moments.

"No, you're right, I shouldn't swear in front of two such lovely ladies. I apologise unreservedly."

"Apology accepted," I smiled back at him, some elements of being a woman were easier to acquire than others. I noticed his arm brushed against my breast several times as we walked. I didn't make an issue of it because it was sending pleasurable little electric shocks right through me.

"Come on you two love birds, let's get home," called Stella as she stood by the car.

Simon used the remote key and the indicators came on, Stella then got in the back seat, wrapping herself in her shawl like a disgruntled mummy - Egyptian version. I got to the driver's door and felt like changing my knickers, my heart was thumping nineteen to the dozen.

"Here," Simon said, shoving the keys in my hand. He then grabbed me by the shoulders and kissed me on the mouth. I went to push him away and tried to protest, but it's difficult when someone's tongue is half way down your throat. So I did the only thing I could - shoved it out of my mouth and pushed my tongue into his mouth. He moaned and grabbed me tighter. I wondered what to do next.

People say that nature takes over in the heat of the moment. It doesn't with me, I need painting by numbers or join up the dots. A checklist would be useful, though difficult to read in the dark. I made a subconscious note to eat more carrots.

I guessed Simon was getting rather excited when he began humping against me as he kissed me. I didn't hear Stella get out of the car, I suspect Simon hadn't either, his mind was on other things, mainly my other things. I would possibly have bruised tits in the morning.

"For Chrissake Simon, you're like a couple of dogs on heat. This is a public car park, now put her down and get in the car!"

We were so taken aback by this exhortation we jumped into the car, him in the driver's side and me in the front passenger seat. Simon automatically started the car.

"I thought Cathy was going to drive?" said Stella.

"Nah, that's okay," I offered hoping to wriggle out of it.

"You are absolutely right Stella," he opened the door and got out.

"What did you say that for?" I whimpered from the front seat just before Simon dragged open my door and offered his hand to help me out.

"Remember, only use your right foot," Simon advised as I walked around the car. I did think of hopping, but in these boots I'd probably fall over. However, I gave a trial hop and found I had to use my left foot or I would have fallen.

"Just get in the fucking car!" I heard Stella muttering in the back of the Volvo as I opened the door.

The engine was already running, so I sat and strapped myself in after adjusting the seat, Simon was quite a bit taller than me. I slid back and fore, the seat refusing to find a locking spot. Stella was becoming apoplectic behind me as she muttered herslf into a fury. I was feeling rather glad she wasn't lesbian and hadn't made a move on me. She seemed to have a nasty temper.

I adjusted the mirror and familiarised myself with various controls, beeping the horn accidentally as I did so. It was rather loud and sent Stella into new heights of paroxysm.

Finally, I released the handbrake and stalled it. On went the handbrake, I turned the key, into drive, handbrake off - stalled it again.

At the eighth attempt, I had got as far as ten feet, when Stella did an impression of Vesuvius from the depths of the back seat. "For Godsake Simon, take over will you, she can't drive a fucking car!"

I curled up in the seat and burst into tears. It took Simon ten minutes to calm Stella down and get me out of the car. We switched seats and I sat sniffing noisily in the front passenger seat, while Simon got in the driver's side.

"At long bloody last, let's get home Si," piped from the back seat, making me sniff even louder in my angst. Simon turned the key and nothing happened.

Well actually that isn't true, something did happen, the alarm came on, then off, then on. It was very noisy. It seemed to get even noisier after ten minutes. Stella was incandescent inside the car while Simon tried to get far enough away from the noise to call out the AA on his mobile phone

Simon went towards the pub to beg some more coffee while we waited, and Stella fumed in the back of the car - I could still hear her muttering over the car alarm, I wondered how we could stop the noise. Lights were beginning to come on in neighbouring houses.

I'm no engineer, except for tinkering with bikes, but even I could eventually work out that without power it should stop the noise. I found the bonnet release and popped the catch. I found the battery easy enough and managed to disconnect one of the leads. The noise stopped and the lights went out on the car.

"What did you do?" called Stella from inside the car.

"Disconnected the battery," I called back.

"Oh!" she said, "Of course, I should have thought of that."

"Yes, but you didn't," I said quietly to myself.

Simon arrived with a tray of coffees, three steaming mugs. "Here, while they're still hot, oh and Cathy, one of these is for Stella." He winked at me as he held the tray towards me, "What did you do?"

"Clever clogs disconnected the battery," said Stella.

"It was Stella's idea," I lied and she grimmaced at me.

"Well done the two of you," you're both cleverer than I am," said Simon looking quite content with his lot.

"How long will the AA be?" asked Stella.

"They reckon about half an hour."

Stella and I drank our coffees and went back with the empty mugs, heading for the toilets. I thought I'd better use them, as it was getting cooler and I had drunk quite a lot of fluid since my previous visit. I stood in front of the washbasin to rinse my hands and caught sight of myself, mess did not begin to describe it.

Grabbing a paper towel I began to wash the rings from around my eyes and the pink mess from my lower face. I washed and wiped and it eventually all came off. I began to recognise my face but it looked different with the change of hairstyle. I still looked like a girl albeit a less attractive one than Stella had created.

My heart gave a little leap, then crashed! Part of me loved how I looked, reality suggested that life could get very complicated rather soon looking like this.

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