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Chapter 4 - The Gift Multiplies
 
I was back to college, work and our new apartment house. Susan was back with her love, or should I say her love was now with her, or soon would be. Shelly was right twice, Susan's a lesbian and it was her Shelly that she was in love with. But Susan had grown, she and her education was now more important. If she was important to Shelly, she wanted Shelly to accept where she was at now.

Brittany and I were not sure about ourselves, let alone the other. We were not letting go, Britt, in fact, would come to me the next extended weekend she had. I would be going back in a month to see her and Aunt Marge, Dr. Powell.

Darla and Heather were both amused by my experiences, mostly by my growth as a woman and the purchase of the house. Susan and I each had two rooms to ourselves. I had the master bedroom with a bathroom to myself. We had another room that we could rent out and still not be crowded or take in two people and be a little closer. We decided to finish the school year as we were.

We were indeed welcomed in the community for the most part. We had two visitors from the neighborhood the first week alone. One bringing home cooked food which we welcomed like most college students. Both visitors took time to sit and visit.

Lilith came to visit with our neighbor Neeta. Neeta was the one who spoke up at the neighborhood meeting. Lilith, Neeta’s granddaughter asked to come when she heard we were lesbians. She was in her junior year of high school and had come out to her folks and close friends just before the holiday, but she was experiencing more rejections than acceptance. It included her folks whom she was hoping we would talk to concerning her.

We did not have any magical answers to her problems, but we were able to give her our support and connect her with a support group for GLBT teens in the county. While area high schools did have GLBT students, it was the county program that had enough teens to effectively be there for one another.

Her Grandma was the lone rogue in the family to show unconditional support. Neeta told her granddaughter, she felt bad as she had stayed away from friends who had come out about their sexuality during most of her life. Until she knew of Lilith and heard us own up to the possibility of being lesbians, she never really owned up to her friendships with those with differing sexual identities.

I did not seek to give Lilith a big hug when we parted, but Lilith gave me a big hug and I felt her tears on my shoulder. It was very moving to see life not as an issue, but the life of this tender young woman in my arms. I lifted her head, “I know you will delight the heart of another and I hope you will bring her over sometime.” Lilith was happy to think she had another place she could just be.

We were as delighted to have someone in the community who had the courage to be open like her. Lilith did ask if she could bring a boy or two who were out. We agreed she could but asked that she come with them. The good news was as neighbors were not judgmental the family ice began to melt. Seemingly it was about their own acceptance in the neighborhood as well as their daughters.
 

 
I had continued to stop in at East Central Regional Medical Center as well as being active with Suzy in our neighborhood. Gilbert the boy with red hair had indeed improved in health and was now out of the hospital more than in. Visiting with the different children sometimes took an effort and became emotionally draining. It was always more than worth it. I came away time and again having received more than I gave.

Jim was steadily improving in health and only twice were we at the hospital at the same time. We would, however, exchange email at least twice a week and sometimes twice or more a day. He was a neat boy with a sensitivity much like my own. The big difference was he like being a boy and now felt it worth his time to take an interest in girls.

I enjoyed the idea that someone saw me as the person they went to in talking about girls. I enjoyed the young man I was helping him to become. I especially like that Jim kept his friendship with little Tracy. Jim was even there to hold Tracy as he prayed for her or she had a procedure she did not want.

Tracy’s health had turned around, but it would take time and effort for her immune system to rebuild and her development to be back on track. She was painfully aware of the images of what others thought a girl should be. Usually, she was comfortable with herself, but those times she or any other girl was not, just tore at my heart as well as their psyche.
 
 
I, like Jim, had known the pressure of image and performance on males. I knew in my head that girls had similar pressures, but it took being a female for me to feel it more fully and personally. While I am a good looking young woman in some eyes, I am not to others and some discount me if they know of my lesbian leanings or being transgender.

Jack and I have now become friends though I suspect he hopes my being a lesbian will be a passing moment. Britt and I found Valentine’s Day to be hard apart. She did come my way for the weekend before. Valentine’s Day it had its moment as Lilith brought over a girlfriend.

I was seeing a part of the world I wasn’t open to seeing before. Some nights sleep was hard as I had guilt issues about how I previously treated people. Some nights I felt guilty when I did not respond to others in need. My counselor for gender identity issues said what I was going through was not that unusual, save many tried to repress the feeling and not talk about it.
 
 
The gender clinic that was near me had received a report from Dr. Powell. Twice I stopped to give and bank some sperm. They also took needed tests. I was now seeing Martha Stein as my counselor. She had me do play therapy with young children at the hospital. For me, it was like getting a second chance at being a little girl at play.

Once my mother had come to visit, knowing if she came early she would find me at the hospital. I didn’t know she was there until my time with the children was over. She had gotten a picture of me with the children; that she gave to Martha give to Gabrielle. Gabrielle would paint a picture from it that my mother would later give to me. Needless to say, it would become a personal treasure.

If someone had told me at the beginning of the school year all that the year would hold, I could not have dared to dream it would be true. Just the idea of someone knowing I liked feminine things had been unnerving. Time with Darla and Richard and their children has become a treasure. One even when Britt was here to see me, I had become part of their extended family.
 

 
The painting of Angelina always caused me to stop and seemingly invoked new thoughts each time. I was offered a job there at the hospital but knew I was better as a volunteer than as an employee. Now just before Spring break and going to see Britt, I went to the hospital for a visit and coming onto the first Pediatric (Peds) floor I saw the light of Angelina going into a room.

There was a new girl Deborah that I had not met before. When I got to the room and went in, there alone was a six-year-old girl, who looked even smaller in her bed. She was turned away from the door. Since I was a volunteer visitor, I knew I could continue in and introduce myself to her. But as I did, it seemed her life swallowed any light of hope. I knew the angel was there but felt much of its light was being absorbed too.

I had gone around and knelt down to her level and introduced myself to her. It was not hard to love Debbie, but it did hurt to see her reject warmth. Debbie told me, “I have been thrown back into a hospital because I’m sick! My foster family is sick of me, so I will be sent to a group home.”

I was sure it couldn’t be true as a little girl like her should be easy to place, assuming she had no parents or extended family. There was a knock at the door and little Suzy was in to visit friends as she had a check-up an hour earlier.

Suzy had come into the room and around next to me, “Hi Debbie and hi Anne. It’s a hard day for Debbie she’s sick and someone dumped her off at the hospital.” I tried to stop Suzy but wasn’t able. “No, it’s true she has been in sick before but today they just dropped her off. It takes a lot of love and more to care for a sick child and her home didn’t have it.”

“Debbie, this is Anne she is one of the adult friends who come to this floor, we can trust her. She has warm hugs and a lot of love. Angel Angelina likes to work with her. You should be happy that she has come in here, maybe it means something good is about to happen.

Debbie opened her eyes and looked at me and then at Suzy. “Hi Suzy, how did you know what happens?” With confidentiality concerns that were a good question.

Suzy simply responded, “It’s just something we know. We look after each other on the floor. This has been my floor for about a year now.” Suzy’s Dad, John, was at the door but either knew enough not to come in or was still scared around sick children.

“Do you really believe in the angel Angelina?” she asked me. “She might be real but I know she wouldn’t care about me even if she was real.”

“I am Anne and I’m a volunteer visitor. And to answer your question: Yes, I believe in Angelina. In fact, I came to see you because I saw her light come into the room. I usually don’t see her but sometimes I know she is around.”

Debbie rolled onto her back and was looking around the room for an angel. “I don’t see any angel.”

“I don’t see her right now either but I think she is still here.” My face was aglow a bit as I felt good about something but did not know what if anything was happening.

“You do? Do you have room in your heart for a little girl?” My heart just sunk. I am not surprised by the questions a child can come up with, but sometimes like now I don’t know how to answer them.

“Wow, I never imagined a little girl would ever want to be with me?”

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting you would and I wasn’t really asking about me,” Debbie said. I was still sitting next to the bed, but I felt like my heart and ego was on the floor or hiding under the bed.

My head was thinking of Darla and Richard, Heather or… I was to go see Brittany and Dr. Powell during Spring break. I had a hard enough time taking care of myself, and I would be laughed at if I said I wanted to be a single parent of a six-year-old girl. But this was much more serious than loving for a puppy.

Debbie scooted over and began to hug me, “You really do love kids, don’t you?” Debbie whispered. I was hugging her and trying to stop crying. Nurse Marianne came in to check on Debbie.

“Hello Anne, I see you have met and extended your heart to our little Debbie.” Marianne said, “She is a special little girl and it will take a special person to give her the love and the home she needs.”

I was ready to ask what illness she had, but I knew Marianne would catch herself and not tell me. She might if we were alone at the nurses’ station, but definitely not here nor should she. “Debbie, how are you feeling?”

“Annie, would you just read to me. No questions, just read stories,” Debbie asked. Marianne moved to fix a nice chair and asked me to sit in it. Suzy gave me a kissy-hug saying, “Good-bye, you be good.” Marianne put Debbie in my lap and a small mound of books next to us on a small table.
 

 
It was almost 6:30 p.m. when I came and it was 9:30 when Marianne said it was now past time to leave. Debbie had fallen asleep in my arms and I hadn’t read for half an hour. She needed to wake up and go use the toilet before going to sleep for the night. “Aunt Annie, you wait to give me a goodnight kiss?” I just looked at her; she smiled and said “Please.”

I told Marianne, “I wanted to see a lot of the kids tonight.” She smiled, “I think an angel thought time with this one was more important than a lot of hellos and hugs.” When Debbie came back out, the room was brighter than when I came in.

“Debbie, would it be okay if Annie said a prayer with you before your goodnight kiss?”

“Can she give me a kiss and hug now and just a kiss when she tucks me in …pretty please?” Debbie was now a pretty little cherub girl in prayer. I gave her a hug lifting her up and twirling her around as I kissed her. Marianne hugged both of us and we set Deb down in the bed.

“O Good Lord, send an angel to watch over Debbie tonight. Give her a good night’s sleep and good medicine to make her well. She needs the prayers of her heart answered and a loving and steadfast home to dwell. May the nurses and the angels reflect the love you have for Debbie! She needs to know you are a caring God who cares for her as well as others. You have made all the good gifts that surround us. Give us eyes to see and a heart that can receive goodness therein, in your name loving God.”

Marianne places a worn lamb in Debbie’s arms and as she smiles, I give her a goodnight kiss and pat the blanket around her.

I found my purse and walked out into the hall. Nurse Marianne indicated I should follow her down the hall. There she thanked me for my time with Debbie, let me know my time there was well spent if I had not realized it. “If I can ask you one more favor. Please go down to Tracy’s room and give her a hug and prayer before you leave.”
 
 
I first went down to the nurses’ station to say hello there as well as poked my head into rooms from where I heard a boy or girl say hello to me. Tracy was upstairs on the second Peds floor. Nurse Justin saw me and told me Tracy’s room. Tracy said, “I chatted with Jimmy and told him you were here and would come to see me before you left. Jimmy told me to give you an extra hug for him.”

“And what would have happened if I didn’t?”

“I told God I wanted one of your prayers, so I was sure you would get here.” I smiled and we shared our first hug. The visit was rather short as I could see Tracy was tired. Tracy would have a birthday in three weeks. It was a birthday most thought would not come. She was not severely sick, though she had come in with a fever. Getting her stronger and healthy was as much of a need as stopping the fever.

Her Mom called to say goodnight as we finished our prayer. I too said hello to her mother. I think it is a hard thing for a mother to ask someone to kiss her child goodnight; the only harder thing is not too. I enjoyed sensing her mother’s love and putting it into a kiss. “Mommy, Anne gave me your goodnight kiss, thank you. I miss them so much….” I left the room with them talking.

My eyes were welling up with tears and a mixture of joy and concern. It felt like I had put in a long night’s work. I went to the nurse area and got a cup of tea and sat down. The nurses on the next shift were coming in; the present nurses were finishing their rounds. I was welcomed as a sister, even by Justin. Since December I had been wondering if I should not change over to become a nurse.
 

 
It was barely 11:00 o’clock when I arrived home and Susan and Shelley greeted me. I sat down as Susan and I talked and Shelly came around behind me and massaged my neck and shoulders. I leaned back and up to thank her and she kissed my forehead. We shared a drink of wine and somewhere during the night I walked to my room with them following me. My clothes dropped to the floor except my panty as I lay down. And the massage became a full body.

Shelley was doing my body and Susan my face, hands, and feet. Up to then, it had not been sensuous, but Susan suggested to Shelly to go to the inside of my upper legs. “You should rub there and watch her for small drops of nectar.”

I rolled over onto my back as asked and my panty was gently pulled off. I was a bit embarrassed but would not say a word as it felt so good. I could feel me becoming warm and moist. Susan then began to nibble and suckle at my breasts.

I grabbed the sheet instead of fighting them off. To be loved as they were doing me, was not easy to bear, and more joy than silence could hold. I prayed not to wake the neighbors, but I sought to enjoy the moment as long as it might last. This night would probably never come again.
 

 
I needed to get to classes and then to work today and it would be good to keep busy. This semester I was taking classes both for my major as well as liberal arts classes with the purpose of maturing as a woman. The first class was cost accounting and the second class dealt with women and literature. Letty Russell was a feminist theologian from the east coast, and since I was a person of faith she likely was a good place to be reading.

A man’s world where two plus two equals four; numbers showed inequality as women often made 85% or less of the man’s salary for the same work. Two and two equals 3.75. I quickly found out now as a female student I was being challenged more to prove myself. I laughed inside as I already stepped ahead of many with experience and a reputation in the business world.
 
 
Once again as LITCO would be proceeding with their new product I would be working with Heather as Beason’s liaison. A bump in the road at LITCO was blamed on Beason because of past problems in quality control. But I would take LITCO’s product and had our testing department analyze all of LITCO’s parts bought from outside sources.

Several discrepancies had come up. One was the source of their current problem and another would be a problem that would surface with the durability of the product.

If they wanted a shorter product life, this would create it. However, in the medical field product development should be the motivator for a customer buy and to come back. Product durability should allow them to sell their previous product to a smaller institution. Finding an answer to a problem is often rewarded within a company. Solving LITCO’s problem gave Beason research only half the gain but also saved a valuable customer.
 
 
Today at Beason I would be a glorified accountant’s helper, where most of the work is mundane though essential. During the afternoon break, I talked to Darla about young Debbie’s need for a good and lasting home. She agreed to think of possibilities as well as agreed to talk to Rich about the possibility for them. Darla, however, was as good in pushing back as anyone I had yet met.

“Would you consider taking Debbie in yourself?” Darla asked. Instead of just saying “no” I tried to excuse myself of the possibility, “There is no way as a student and working I could make being a single parent work.”

I left the door open and Darla promised she could work out my problem and call me while I was on Spring break.
 

 
Time after work I was busy packing for Spring Break; luckily I had to pack only for six of the nine days as Brittany’s second weekend was packed with conflicts. Getting off in the morning I would have time to get to her appointment with Dr. Powell.

Brittany first came to stay a weekend with me and now came to time me to go back for my visit with Dr. Powell. She had gotten the results two weeks earlier about her previous tests. This appointment included getting several vials of sperm for future use if so desired. And then she would be getting me back onto the testosterone blocker and back onto her regular dosage of female hormones.

Slowing down her life verified for Anne and her counselor that the path to becoming Anne was indeed a good choice. What appeared to the few who knew to be a four-month oddity has roots long in growing with visible growth long suppressed by fear.
 
 
The drive to Brittany’s is long but went quickly as I sang along with music and grew excited to see Britt. Brittany waved a piece of paper as I arrived, but it was her that my eyes were clearly fixed on. Britt’s house was larger than I remembered and this time I got to meet her Father, Jonathan Powell. Martha, Britt’s mother is very warm and happy to see me again.

“Anne my first acceptance to graduate school, it’s near you at the University of Penn and Daddy thinks it means acceptance at Upper Valley should be likely.” She would be graduating in May with her degree in Communications and Computer Science.

Jonathan spoke up, “Anne, I am happy to meet the person who makes my daughter so happy. But make no mistake after graduate school; we want her back here in the family business. If we would get a prize catch like you in the bargain so much better, but neither her mother nor the family business wanted her to move away.” I was taken back as Brittany had not told me her father was part of a family business. While Brittany and I are hot for each other, her father sounded like marriage was already a given.

Brittany suspected what I was thinking and pulled me up to her room where our first reaction was to passionately hug and kiss. “I know Anne you must be wondering some things I didn’t tell you, but I wanted you to know me first. The family business is on my mother’s side, but daddy is already being groomed to take it over with one of Mom’s brothers.”

Mrs. Powell called us down for a simple noon meal, correctly surmising I had not yet eaten much. It was just us three women and was a very enjoyable meal. I could tell however there was an underlying tension. Brittany broke the ice, “Anne, I know it is early and I don’t want to scare you away or to bind you. However, there some things my family is already concerned about.”

“My Dad was upset when he learned I was a lesbian partly because he and Grandpa wanted to see me help keep the company in the family. And now he is hoping he can keep also his family name alive as well as keep the business in the family. Grandma Walters said I could use her mother’s engagement ring but she too wanted to make sure it stays in the family.”

“I know it is not fair, but my family has started to see you like the white knight or a fair princess ride into the picture.”

I began to laugh which caused Martha and Britt to relax, but they were also surprised. “I guess it’s funny because I hadn’t thought of my name change. I had thought about us being together too. I think it is sweet that you would consider proposing to me. What happens if we both start crying at the same time?” There were so many more thoughts running through my mind, why did I say something so trite.

My thoughts changed I spoke again, “One thing I am certain of, you better never marry me because I fit into your career or family business. Does this mean I am somehow acceptable, where another woman might not have been?”

One could see Brittany’s mind thinking and her moving close to me indicated we were probably of the same mind. It was Mrs. Powell that looked down and despondent. “That does not sound too good of me, I am sorry Anne. I know Brittany’s happiness needs to be foremost, but the image of Brittany having or not having grandchildren has come into my thoughts. I even thought children with a combination of your looks and brains would bring exceptional children.”

“Please know I hope I am growing too along with Brittany. I too would want your marriage and love to be first. If you lived across the country and she had a baby, the only thing I would want is to love you and the baby where you are.” We looked at the clock and knew we needed to get to our appointment with Dr. Powell.
 

 
It was joyful to get to Dr. Powell’s office. Nurse Mary took me back to an exam room and did the first part of the exam. She complimented me for all I was able to accomplish since my first appointment. With my permission, Mary invited Brittany to help me fill two more vials.

Meeting with Dr. Powell, it was joyfully decided I would begin using a testosterone blocker as well as go back to my normal dosage of female hormones. After a good discussion, we also scheduled my surgery to have my male genitals surgically removed and to begin forming a vagina. Dr. Powell had wanted to confirm that I was not reacting out of anger or as part of a fight with my family. Dr. Powell called my mother while I was present. Dr. Powell was pleased with the support she heard I have from my family.
 
 
The surgery is to be scheduled for the end of the school year, but I'm given the opportunity to have it the next week. Surgeon Julia Mills had a surgery postponement because of illness. Since I was healthy and issues cleared, Dr. Mills invited me for a work-up and then set the surgery for Wednesday morning.

Mom would come to the Powell’s on Monday night and Dad would be there for the surgery come Wednesday morning. I knew following surgery I would be uncomfortable for a while. I was ready to have my penis and testicles removed. It was upsetting to me as a woman, to use a pad or a gaff to hide it. Like many,I want my body to reflect the person I am.

Dr. Powell was a good doctor for all her patients but seemed to take delight in taking time with Anne. It may have been that she knew in Anne she had a receptive audience. “I am glad you have wrestled with your decision as well as the direction you are going,” said Dr. Powell. Remember you need to live out that decision and it will likely be more difficult than saying the answer.”

“Will your sperm be offered to others or are you hoping to use it with someone you love?” Dr. Powell knew I did not owe her an answer and that I needed more time to decide.

“I am glad Britt thought of the possibility so if I use it with someone I love that would be my first choice. It would lend meaning to the time of being male.” Anne went on, “The idea of having a child or two that carries both our identities would make things even more blessed to my way of thinking.”

“I believe it is too early to think of Brittany and me, but I think we would make a beautiful child and both would be loving parents… That is not to be shared with Brittany at this time,”

I do share about Debbie and the temptation to be there for the young child, “Coming up with a way I could make it work is the biggest thing holding me back.”

“Anne, you would be bridling your life, just when you are discovering yourself as a young woman. I do not encourage you to do it, but will you have the courage to say ‘no’ if your co-worker finds a way to make it possible?” asked, Dr. Powell.
 

 
On the way back to Brittany’s home, I smile and ask, “Is there any way we can tell your mother we are not hungry. I so much want to have time to make love with you.” I quietly stay sideways and run my hand across Britt’s breasts. Gentle, yet firmly I sought to arouse Brittany’s nipples as I leaned over and kissed her right ear.

Brittany giggled, “If you don’t stop, I will pull over and you can be the one to drive with such a distraction.” She used sheer will power to pull my hand off her breast and up to her lips to kiss my fingers. Such a move causes her glee and allows Britt to again be in control.

Realizing she needs to restrain herself so not to cause an accident I sat back and we visit the rest of the way home. I felt the heating of my own breasts. “So loving your new body has given you stronger feelings and urges?”

“How did you know?” I quizzically ask.

“You should remember before those feelings awoke in you, I was already experiencing that joy.” Brittany’s right-hand moved to find a sensitive area inside of my leg. “So you are warm and moist as well?” I looked to Brittany wondering how she knows. “Your leg is warm enough that even smell you in heat,” she says with a giggle.

Martha was happy to see us upon our return and shares we're having lobster and sweet corn on the cob. “So after you shower I would not suggest you change into your best clothes.”

She asks Brittany to come with her and let me shower alone. Martha wants both to apologize to her daughter, and to ask out of Anne’s hearing, “Are you sure they have collected enough for children in the future?”

“Mother, how dare you,” Britt said, “But you need to know Anne will have surgery Wednesday, to lose any sign of her maleness. And I invited her mother to stay here Tuesday night as she wants to be with her daughter.”

“Do we need to prepare two beds or does her mother not mind if you two are together,” Martha pursued like a hound.
 

 
I had taken off my breast forms for the shower as I look forward to the change to have a woman’s body, My maturing breasts fit the vision of a young woman. I shampoo and condition my hair and its volume also reflects the emerging Anne. I pat myself dry after the shower and with a towel wrapped around me I sit at Brittany’s vanity and brush out my hair and do my makeup.

I have become meticulous in care of my eyebrows, pulling out stray hairs. I notice the feminine look of my lips emerging. I hope with the testosterone blocker and female hormones that my lips would fill out. The idea of looking more and more feminine is now an increasing interest.

Though the breast forms are back being used tonight. They will be off, so I can enjoy our time more fully.
 
 
Around the dinner table, Jonathan is disappointed he has another person at the table who eats lightly and watches her figure. But I know the sports he likes and can converse about them to his pleasure. Jon has learned of my reputation to analyze finances and product development. I probably should have visited more, but I do not want to find myself in a car going to their manufacturing plant or a tour of this or that.
 
 
It's shortly after 9:00 this evening that Britt and I make our way to her room as our emotions are heating up. I didn’t really need another shower but this one's with Brit and is as much foreplay and passion as anything.

Seemingly, Martha knocked at the bedroom door, bringing something to the room. Whether she was surprised by our showering together we won’t know. Looking on Britt I felt bad about my own appearance, but good the surgery is scheduled. It does take a toll on our time together.

Seeing Britt spread out over her bed, I have goosebumps as I straddled over her. She raised her head to catch a nipple with her lips and we were soon tied together for a few hours. I notice a drop of her oil at the top of her slit nestled in her lips. Bowing down to take of it, it's like honey and the nectar of a goddess. I murmur, “Yes.”

“Did you say yes? Do you mean what I think?’ said Britt. She raises my head so she could see my eyes. I want to make love with her. I didn’t mean to speak aloud.

Quickly I'm on the bottom and Brittany said again, “Did you say yes, you love me?”

“Brittany, you know that I love you,” I said.

Brittany smiles and stares over me, “But did you say, ‘yes’!”

“It is too soon, Brittany, we both know that.” I paused but she's waiting. “You didn’t even actually propose to me, we were just talking about the future.”

Brittany pulled me up and bowed down before me, she now looked up to me, “Would you marry me, Anne, you know that I love you?” My eyes tear; I want to be able to love her as another woman.

This cannot be already today, “I. I… Yes, I said yes.” Brittany forces herself upon me and kisses me passionately. I lay back down as she persists and I wrap my legs and arms around her and returned the passion of our love.
 
 
It is not yet midnight when Brittany leaves the room and came back with her great-grandmother’s engagement ring. It is so precious and it fits on me beautifully. I kiss the ring as Brittany kisses me.

“Brittany, I do love you but it is too early,” I say weeping.

Brittany comforts me, “Tonight let us celebrate our love, tomorrow we will talk not tonight.” We both let the night be for us in our love. It is a very sweet, very, very sweet time of passion.
 

 
When morning came Brittany invites her mother into the room. “Mother, last night I proposed to Anne again and I gave her great-grandmother’s ring when she said yes. But it is too early to announce and we need to grow together. We want you to hold the ring until we announce our engagement; will you do that for us,” Brittany asked?

Her mother's smile and brought us up to hug her. “You two daughters get up and dressed, so we can get to church.” We both said, “Yes Mom.” It is funny to be in church with a number of young men looking at us and our hearts being for each other.
 
 
When we got home from church, I shared a problem, “Brittany, I don’t think your priest will marry us and I do not want to be married in the Catholic Church.”

“But can we be married in the city when the time comes and if we can find ministers of our traditions who will do the ceremony? I think we should. Would it be okay if my folks said the wedding could be here?”

My voice is choking, “Neither Jersey nor my church will welcome our union either, but I too would like a person of faith to bless our marriage.” We talk and decide she could ask her parents about the wedding being here sometime after my surgery.
 
 
My Spring break is this week but Brittany’s is not until the following week. She has classes Monday through Thursday but will miss her classes on Wednesday morning to be with me before surgery. I went with her to Fordham University on Monday. Her friends at the University knew of me, but I guess they weren't sure until now that I am for real. It is good to be with her, but I went to only one of two classes. We stay at the university to hear two friends play in a recital.
 
 
Britt adds dimensions to my life that allow me to breathe in a larger world. It causes me to wonder how my world would be for her. I expect my collegiate world would be okay, but living in my neighbor and me being a worker no higher up than I am? I grew up, not being good with conflict and here I'm worrying if I can please Britt.
 

 
We stop on our way back to her home as she senses something is bothering me. She smiles as we talk and joke about starting a fight so we could get through the first one. She hugs me, sensing a bit of my insecurity. “I am surprised, with all you have accomplished this year. I did not see that sensitive and insecure little girl.”

Snuggled in her arms I confessed, “I’m afraid to wake up as my world has blossomed. I have done some neat things. Maybe even being a Mom and a wife are possible, but I’m afraid.”

“Anne, I didn’t realize how Debbie important is. That the idea of being a permanent foster or being an adoptive parent for her is such a real possibility. I know that you feel compelled to pursue it if needed.” Brittany hugs me asking, “Would you see that as something we would do together?”

Like the phone had ears, it rang and Darla is calling me. “Anne, is it an okay time to talk?”

“I am with Brittany and we are talking so if it’s about Debbie, you or work? Work hopefully could wait.”

Darla assures me, “You want to hear this; it is about Debbie. Richard and I talked, I have to start with other news first> I am pregnant with our third child… Richard and I are both moved by Debbie’s situation and really wrestled about what we could do. While we can’t take on the responsibility for her and the one we are expecting. We are willing to do what we can. Richard said we could redo the basement into a little apartment if Debbie and you as her foster or adoptive mother wanted to move in and live here.”

Darla's talking about helping me if I want to undertake the responsibility of caring for little Debbie. “If we would do that for Debbie, we would need to know it is a decision that you would see all the way through.” I'm moved as it is a big commitment that involves more than the cost of redoing the basement into an apartment.

Susan and I were already buying a house divided into apartments for our purposes. But there, I would be separated from a network that could give me needed help with Debbie. Before I ask Darla more, I need to consider if I really could commit myself to do what is needed.

“Darla, I need time and won’t be back until at least Friday now as something has come up,” I told her. I heard a moan at the other end.

Darla spoke but was now disheartened, “I spoke to Sharon, the nursing supervisor, of Debbie’s Pediatric Unit. She told me it is possible that Debbie could be gone as early as Wednesday and most likely Thursday or Friday. Sharon won’t tell me where she would be taken. I asked her if she thought it was a good fit, but she wouldn’t tell. I asked her to say yes if she was comfortable with us not finding a place for Deb or to say No or nothing if she was not. She hung up on me and when I called back she told me she answered me the best she could.”
 
 
My heart dropped to the ground and Darla knew it. “I am sorry Anne, I know it is a lot to share with you and I have not stopped calling around, but I don’t know where to call next. I thought I needed to be upfront with you and to offer all the support we can if you're committed to doing it. It’s not fair, Debbie deserves better.”

“Rich and I did visit her over the weekend; she is quite a sweet little girl. We can see why you are taken with her. Sharon and Maria said she loves you too; it may not be fair to tell you that.”
 
 
I broke into tears; so much so, I gave my phone over to Brittany. People at the café even ask if I'm okay or if they could help. I take back my phone and walk outside and into the car. “Darla, did you ask Sharon what she thought of me taking Debbie?”

“Sharon said, it isn’t fair to you, but she thought it was the only possibility that would work for Debbie. She doesn’t like Debbie’s caseworker, but she did ask her if a responsible 20-year-old woman could be a foster or adoptive parent? I don’t remember the worker’s name, but she said the State would go out of their way to make it work. Debbie is a black-eye to them and even if it buys them a year they would approve it.”

“The worker told Sharon not to tell the prospect, but once the State gets her off their hands, the person will find herself stuck with Debbie.”

“They wouldn’t have to worry, my feelings are mutual. I wouldn’t turn Debbie back over to them. They have hurt her enough.” I'm angry with them and others for hurting Debbie. “I am to have surgery Wednesday. If I were there Friday to sign papers, I wonder if they could find a reason to keep Debbie until Monday for me.”

“Anne it is not fair to you, even though I was hoping you would say that. I think you will be a super Mom.” Darla goes on to say, “I will tell Mr. Barnes, he should put you on Maternity Leave. Beason does that for adopting families.”

“But I am a part-time worker and don’t qualify for benefits. And I like working anyway,” I tell her.

“If you take Debbie, you will need to take the time whether you like it or not. You will be a good mother from the outset or you shouldn’t do it. Deborah needs a good Mommy and I will be very upset if you are anything but. Do you hear me?” We soon stopped our conversation and Britt and I make our way back to her house.

I am not sure if I would be losing Brittany, doing what I'm doing. But Brittany is presently strong and supportive. If I would lose her, I am sure by her actions it would not be till after I left. I did ask, “Britt please do not to tell your Mom what I’ve decided. I will tell her Thursday or Friday before I leave. I know I should have talked to you, but this is something I need to do. I don’t want to lose you, but I'd understand.”
 

 
Back at the Powell’s Britt shares how proud she is of me. She and I visit, “Brittany, I want to ask you not to say anything to your Aunt, Dr. Powell. She did not want me to take responsibility for Debbie, and I am afraid she might ask the surgeon not to do the surgery.”

Brittany said, “My Aunt can be trusted; I can’t lie to her. All I can say is I won’t tell her if I am not asked.” I agree I could not hold Britt to my previous request. As we were called to dinner we're both very affectionate with each other again.
 
 
I call my mother and visit about the upcoming surgery and my excitement of being a woman. “Honey, this is the first time I actually hear you disgusted with your male appendage. It kind of tells me your past any question about your boy self and onto being the young woman you are becoming.”

“I’m sorry Mom, maybe a daughter shouldn’t share this, but I want to be with Brittany and it is much more than the way to our intimacy.” I'm a bit angry but Mom giggled.

“And you are not interested in putting yourself into her one last time,” Mom asked? Then she asked, “If I get to the Powell’s in time for your appointment tomorrow with Dr. Mills; would you mind if I went with you?”

“No Mom, Brittany may meet us there, if she is out from her classes, but I would love for you to be with me. It might be a little awkward since I am now your daughter instead of your son. Your daughter is more likely to have tears and want to hold onto you.” Mom is supportive and understanding and gives me a sense of confidence as we talk.

“I should be there by 10:30 a.m. tomorrow; please tell the Powell’s I appreciate greatly being able to stay there. Is there any other news you have for me?” While it was not unusual for my Mom to say; I wonder ‘did she know’?

“Yes, Mom there is. How would you like to be a grandmother again,” I awkwardly ask? Without a chance to respond, I remind her of the young girl Debbie that I talked about. But I had not shared with her about the possibility of taking responsibility for Deb…

Mom abruptly interrupted me, “I would like to tell you many things, but I suspect you need most of all to know our love and support for you young lady. Your timing, preparation for such a venture and much more should be different. But I understand your heart and motivation are right…” Now Mom was in tears. “I hope this is not your reason for the surgery,” she said and waited for my confirmation that is was not.

“I know you are in love with Brittany, but if you take in Deborah, you should do so as your child. And your daughter, she should become a priority, if you can’t do that be fair to her and do nothing.” I am really appreciative my Mom was talking to me as an adult daughter and the would-be mom of Debbie. “Do you have clothes sizes for her so we can do some shopping after your appointment tomorrow?”
 

 
When our conversation ends, I called Sharon at East Central Hospital. Darla had already called so Sharon knew I'm committed to taking Debbie. Sharon asks if I can hold on as she wants to talk to me from Debbie’s room. “I think there is a little girl here who needs to hear this news from you,” Sharon says. She hands to the phone to Debbie. Debbie says, “You aren’t here and I’m scared. I told you what they would do, you left me too,” Debbie quickly said!

“Debbie, I love you and I would like to be your mommy.” I could hear Debbie scream and Sharon comfort her saying it was true… After she had calmed down, I said, “I don’t have experience being a mom and I am probably too young. I wish I could have found you a real mommy.”

‘You will be my real mommy, won’t you? I’ll try to be good very good Mommy; I don’t want you to send me away ever. Can I call you ‘Mommy’?” Sharon took the phone and tells me, “She will have trouble believing it is true, but I and the other nurses will help her. Darla said, she might be here today or tomorrow, I think that will help as well.”

“Is it true you will be having surgery but will be here Friday and ready to take your daughter on Monday?” I tell her it's true and she suggests I could recuperate in Deb’s room and even sleep there.

“What I need Sharon is to know her sizes so I can do some clothes shopping?” Sharon told me, “Debbie has plenty of jeans, sweat, and T-shirts from what her worker says, but nothing nice the past two years.”

I cry thinking how Debbie had been treated. “I have enough money to get started with clothes, toys and her bedroom furniture,” I say to Sharon, “After that, I will be a single mom, but we will have enough love to go around.”

I'm a bundle of mixed emotions as sleep tonight.
 

 
Postscript — Characters and Places

Characters and places
Bob / Anne — College student and pt-worker at Beason
Evelyn — Office manager
Darla — Co-worker at Beason Corp
Mr. Brigg’s — Head of Accounting at Beason
Paul, Susan, and two others — roommates near college
Susan and Shelly — Anne’s housemates
Jack — Friend of Anne’s
Heather - Project leader for LITCO
Ginger — Heather’s co-worker and mother/single parent of Gwen
Gwen — Ginger’s daughter
Carol - hospital Therapist
Sharon — Nurse Supervisor
Tracy — Patient
Jim — Patient
Carole — Store owner of Garden Fashions
John — Co-worker at Beason
Suzy — John and Carol’s daughter
Neeta — Neighbor
Lilith — Neeta’s Granddaughter
Britt/Brittany — New friend
Mrs. Powell — Brittany’s Mother
Dr. Marge Powell,
Nurse Mary — Doctor’s primary nurse
Upper Valley College - Beason Corp. — LITCO - East Central Regional Hospital
 
 

 
 
To Be Continued...