Sweet Dreams-44

Chapter 44

There are things that I’m discovering out of life that I never thought that I’d discover or that would even matter to me and they’re little things but they’re so huge too. Oh this is going to sound so girly but they feel like they’re huge things inside for me. Like in my heart.

This dance, being with Alex. Him saying stuff like that to me. All these little PDA’s between us and being out on something date like with my boyfriend. Yeah boy friend…I’m not even sure that we should even use that. He’s my partner, my significant other he’s the guy that I love.

You know that love’s pretty serious with someone when the thoughts of a future together and getting married sort of just seem like its natural? I mean we’re not even planning it or talked about it but I guess it just feels like this is it.

I mean we already are lovers and we already live together.

And apart from the sex thoughts that are building as we dance…or it’s just that dancing seems to light something up inside me…I love to dance and I think I did get that from mom and I’m actually not a bad dancer. Some of its street and some’s actually from watching her but I’ve always picked up things in dancing pretty quickly.

But yeah the together thoughts mix in with the sex thoughts when you’re guy is dancing with you really close and there’s skin on skin contact and a bit of bump and grind and his hands sliding over me.

Oh yeah…biting my bottom lip yeah sometimes…

There is nothing like feeling the really big and strong fingers of a man’s hands running over parts of your body. Alex makes like three of me and he’s built and muscular and I’m well even when I thought that I was a guy I wasn’t and just so differently built I might as well have need another gender or species even.

I love the raw feeling of his strength being so carefully restrained by him when he’s with me but not?

Sexually it’s like standing close to a bonfire…you get all toasty and warm and hot even but too much and you could get hurt…or he could hurt you if he didn’t know his own strength but he does…and I get to feel that raw male power trembling or just coiled in him as he’s being gentle with me…as he’s dancing with me.

I’m so straight…

I thought I was a guy, I thought I was gay and I was coming to grips with that through this whole mental battle and then I thought that I was transgendered and now it’s the fact I’m an intersexed girl.

Though I still consider myself male raised and emotionally male from my starting points maybe. It’s really complicated when I really get into cause and effect but I do consider myself transgendered.

I have the working guy parts, I need hormones to get myself right and I’ll be taking them likely at least as a supplement all of my life and I need surgery to fix my “Vaginal obstruction.”

But like I said…I’m really, really so into Alex that I’m definitely straight.

And honestly I’m so seriously girl enough that the dancing really gets me going. I get why too. When a girl dances to have fun and not for money or for art it’s a release of all the sexuality that they keep bottled up. The sad fact is that for way too many women they can’t be really who they are or as sexual as the feel or sensual as they feel because even in today’s society and even here in America it’s seen as almost a commentary on who they are as a person.

Too sexual or sensual they get labelled and worse the predatory assholes out there see that as an open invitation to “Take” what they want.

But in a club or a safe place on the dance floor we get to have this socially acceptable place where we can cut loose and groove and shake and shimmy and be the girl that we bury.

Sexuality aside we get to get back to being the seven year old that danced in circles spinning until we fell down giggling just because we can.

I honestly think that might be more of the best part of dancing to all of us then the restrained sensuality.

And I’m making up for lost time.

And Alex, Alex can actually dance pretty well too. I think partly it’s because he’s in a sport where footwork seems to be drilled on but I look over at Jen and Cindy and Jen can really dance too so I guess she danced a lot and her and Alex used to be together so I think I have to thank her for training him and what not.

Still I never thought that I of all people would be dancing along to this teen pop music stuff or that I’m actually enjoying it.

Not that I owned anything to really play music on at home but at my old school it was Rap and gangster and hip hop mixed in with some rock and metal with those crowds and the girls were mostly into R&B.

But I’m singing along with the other girls to “Call Me Maybe.” And I have my hands up and dancing to “Party in the USA.” And all the other catchy Taylor Swifty stuff that’s being played.

It’s actually fun to dance to and I’m allowed to like that stuff too. I’m a real girl and I can be as girly as I need or want to be.

But I can feel the whole Hunter punky-gothy-street-girl face palming at me inside my head.

It’s still all new to me. Heck with it right this is my spinning around in circles time now.

It’s funny because we dance right up until the D.J. is taking a break and I’m still feeling the glow and we get a table to sit at with some of the others and the guys take off to get us our drinks.

I’m pinching my shirt doing the whole pull it up and down to cool off and I get to talking about how the other girls should’ve worn something easier on their feet than the heels that they were wearing.

We talk about the game and our guy’s classes and school and our jobs. I’m getting told I’m so lucky that I’m working in a used clothing store or… “It’s not a used clothin store luv, we’re a bleedin Retro-classic-boutique.” I say it in my best attempt at Hali’s accent.

And I think that I’m pretty glad to be at the shop too since it’s a great job with a great boss and I’m not flipping burgers or slinging coffee like a lot of the other kids are doing. I’m actually kind of surprised that so many of the kids have jobs and not just the summer ones though some of those sound interesting.

Alex got me a Mountain Dew and a water and he’s drinking a Coke while we just sort of talk and stuff. There’s no stress or bullshit and we’re just being a bunch of teenagers just kicking back and having fun and talking and getting to know each other.

Yeah they ask me about my scars and other than going into how I was as William I’m pretty candid about everything else. Jennifer also chimes in about her trip with me to my old stomping grounds the other day too.

It’s kind of good to get it out there actually and there’s a lot of shaking heads but there’s a lot of other stories that come out from them too. It seems that everyone has someone that was into drugs or alcohol and fucked up their lives in their family and with other stuff.

Turns out some of these rich kids as I seen them have yeah pretty good lives but at the same time there is a whole well covered up bunch of fuckeduppedness in their lives too.

I see a lot of stories there in the eyes of some of the kids there that aren’t getting talked about too.

A lot.

“Gah…jeeze guys yeah I had it really bad and stuff but that was then and tonight I just want to dance! School and college and the real world is coming up on us way too soon so let’s actually have some fun before we’re too busy to think about it?”

We head back out on the dance floor and we start dancing again and the music is switching to some more up beat stuff that’s mostly like this dance club mixes and stuff that I can really get into.

I just relax and get into this head space where the beat just pulses through me and moves me and I’m moving against Alex and kissing and touching and he’s back to touching me and the others are getting into it too.

And I’m grinning because we’re getting a lot of attention and there’s part of me that likes that and that while I’m really unathletic when it comes to sports and stuff I can dance and those snobby girls they can’t keep up to me and I smile at them and I really get this hip and belly rolling dancing stripper thing going on…and yeah kinda stealing some from stuff my mother used to do but I’m really in the groove as that song. “Hips don’t lie.” Starts playing and I might not be all curvy yet but I’m more than making up for it.

And Alex…oh hell his hands are all over me and at some point my hairs get loose and when I’m hip-popping he’s behind me hip popping and.

Oh Grrr my heart.

And other things.

God my nipples are aching…I never knew why they’d get like this but now that I do know…hormones or no hormones they might be seriously under developed but they’re definitely one of my girl parts.

Then I’m in his arms and he’s holding me tight squeezing me actually and I am so into that and we’re kissing, we’re kissing really deeply and his hot tongue is inside me and dancing with mine in this hot, hot, hot tango and my mind is taking the slippery sexy way that feels and I’m so picturing when I’m better what that will feel like inside me…

One of the teachers has to cough, cough, cough… “Hey you two knock it off!” to get us to stop.

I’m breathing hard and he’s just so damned hard. I look at him. “Let’s go home.”

“Home?”

“Home and bed.”

“Hell yes!”

Okay there is part of me that is all delighted that he’s just that eager and excited to take me home to make love.

Oh yeah, I’m so wanting Alex tonight.

We say a few goodbye’s and tell Jen and Cindy that we’re going home and they get a ride with us to Jen’s place and it don’t kill what I’m feeling one bit because they’re kissing deeply and passionately and there’s dress straps half off and hands touching breasts and moans and it’s even working for me a little.

Hey, I was raised as a guy, I thought I was a guy and until I fell for Alex I was pretty sure I was into girls. And there’s just something about a live show less that two feet away.

It’s definitely working for Alex.

He doesn’t speed or anything he’s a super careful driver but for Alex we’re dropping them off really fast and we’re home really fast too.

The car’s parked and he came right over the middle console and stick-shift and is kissing me. More passion and more tongue and his hands roaming and touching and we actually leave the car out through my door backwards and on the concrete floor and just long boilingly passionate minutes of us making out before he kicks the door closed and picks me up into his arms and carries me up the stairs.

I wrap my legs around him and we’re at it just so deeply into it with that passion that you really only get when you’ve been together for awhile. It’s that point where we’re still knew to being together that it’s still hot and passionate and exciting but also we’ve been together long enough that we’re past that awkward groping thing too.

Something in my brain goes yay in that me twisted way when we hit the door a little harder than we planned but just hard enough and it felt like a long time making out and kissing, nuzzling and even, even…oh I scratch a little, smell him a lot. He smells so good and it’s more than before the heat of him dancing cooked that cologne into this mix with Alex’s perspiration.

Yeah it’s definitely a pheromonal thing but I don’t care only that I bury my face in him at times. And even bite him a little trying to and wanting to taste his skin so badly.

Then we’re through the door.

He turns and thud I’m up against it. (Yay again…) I’m fumbling madly for the lock.

Click.

Whoosh, I’m yanked away from the door and we’re going straight for the bed room.

There’s times that when you’re making love that a guy can make you feel wanted, lusted over and the slow stripping you and kissing is one of them and then there’s that other bit when he’s getting you out of your clothes as fast as he can because he needs to touch you.

I’m doing the same and we’re leaving a trail of clothes all the way to our bedroom. It’s not long before we’re naked and I think we made a record for lubing up and putting on a condom. Alex works me with his fingers and gets me all ready as he’s kissing me and I’m kissing him and then he sinks into me.

It hurts but in a good way, and yes it’s pretty evident what we’re doing but it’s our only sort of means to have sex and a hand in just really not the same. I’ll spare the gory details but it’s us going at it pretty hard and fast and we’re missionary or face to face because it’s better for me.

See when we’ve been doing it this always felt better more pleasurable to me and I finally know why. Alex is massaging my clitoris.

Uh-huh…from there. See there’s not much between there and my vaginal canal and the female sex organs which I do have is a whole lot bigger and more spread out than everyone usually thinks. Well some of those yay nerves are pretty close to back there and with repeated “massaging” they start to feel things sexually.

It’s that whole second orgasm that I have. The doctors though have explained that I don’t get all female gooey inside because the tubes for that are blocked by my “vaginal obstruction.” So I get the yay and no goo.

I want my goo.

And that’s where my mind goes while we’re making love…raw, hot mad love and that’s after me popping my cork which is okay…I’m not freaked out or complaining about that part. I don’t hate that part I just want the me that’s been the real me to finally get put to rights.

But after my boygasm it’s just all me being able to feel and concentrate on that and even fantasize about how this is going to feel. Pretend that this is what we’re doing now. I know it’s not but it really doesn’t matter it’s still really powerful and tuning out some of it is pretty easy and it’s just my Alex making hot hard love to me and my legs are wrapped around his waist and my arms around his neck and he’s kissing me or he’s cupping my chest and sort of pushing the flesh into these pretty mounds of breasts as he hungrily sucks on my nipples.

I’m his girlfriend like this and all the other stuff that’s there right now is just not.

It doesn’t even factor in with the way that we feel or make love really even when I get hard again and react that way it doesn’t matter a bit to Alex and that’s really awesome. He does slow down after his second orgasm of his own and I give him a kinda sorta blowjob.

He’s a big boy so I can only handle him while he’s relaxed and then have to resort to licking and stuff once he’s hot and hard again. I can’t handle it when it’s hard, I’m not a snake and my jaw does not unhinge.

The rest of the love making is just that this long slow session of long loving kisses and togetherness. I know some people think that I should want to be fixed more than ever during these times but these times like this where we just transcend the small stuff are the building blocks for me and where Alex and I will go post-op together.

I mean after what I’ve been through I’m loved, loved right here and right now and it’s that important and special that these will always be good memories for me and not something that I’m going to cheapen with wishing things were different.

We actually end it all with shared slow sweet sex in the tub and a shared bubble bath with me on top as we get each other cleaned up. And Alex uses his hand on my boy and…he’s gentle, and knowing and more than that…he timed it until I was getting to my girlgasm and while not exactly at the same time they overlapped and…

Wow…

I’m hugging him and holding onto him and breathing…it was like. I think that point of cross over pleasure might be what I’ll feel when I’m post op and have a real full on release female orgasm.

I’m all loopy and fuzzy in a sexy good way as we gently and softly kiss and get dried off and ready for bed. I remake the bed and change our sheets and toss them in the washer and turn it on and Alex comes in with a big coffee house mug of hot chocolate for use to share and plugs his i-pod into the stereo jack and gently pulls me into a slow dance with him as this song I’ve never heard before starts to play and he’s…he’s actually trying to sing along with it in my ear.

It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say yes, you look wonderful tonight
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/eric+clapton/wonderful+tonight_... ]
We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady
That's walking around with me
And then she asks me
Do you feel alright
And I say yes, I feel wonderful tonight

I feel wonderful
Because I see the love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize
How much I love you

It's time to go home now
And I've got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
She helps me to bed
And then I tell her
As I turn out the light
I say my darling, you were wonderful tonight
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.

…………………………..Yeah, is there really any way that I’m not in love with this guy? Even if I was just naturally Will and not anything else I’d still be in love with Alex.

He’s my Deeply, Madly, Truly….