Like an old married couple, but exactly what is Cathy hiding from Simon?

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.
by Bonzi & Angharad(technical advisor on the cycling bits)
purred: eleven dozen

I was so glad I got through the door in time to see Simon's face when Stella produced the enema bag. If he'd been in critical care, they'd have had to call the crash team by now. I giggled so much I had to run to the bathroom or risk wetting my jeans.

I was still laughing when I returned to the bedroom where Stella and Simon were lying exhausted from laughing. What had I got myself into, these two were completely and utterly barking mad! Part of me hoped it was contagious, because they had so much fun, something which had been missing from my life until recently.

Eventually Stella went off to make some tea and I was left alone with Simon. I jumped on him, which of course made him squeak loudly. "Ouch, that bloody hurts!"

I jumped upright again and blushing furiously, apologised. "I'm so sorry Simon, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"'S okay," he smiled and made kissing pouts with his lips. I moved very gently to share them.

We were so engrossed in our face sucking competition that we didn't hear Stella arrive with the mugs of tea. "Ugh, someone get a bucket of cold water, quick. Like two dogs in the street."

I don't know why I pulled away as if my father had caught me bonking behind the bike sheds, but I did. Once more I blushed profusely, it seemed the one thing I could really do well, apart from finding dormice.

"Stella," Simon asserted himself, "We are both over twenty one and consenting adults. What we do in the privacy of our own bedrooms is our business."

"What!" shrieked Stella, making me jump.

"Sorry," he whimpered, and then we all started laughing again. They really were crazy.

Simon could wash himself pretty well, except his hair which I did for him. He had lovely thick curly hair and I was getting quite excited just running my fingers through it. I think he was too, because he fell off the chair we had wedged against the bath. At this rate he was going to be back in hospital before the end of the weekend.

I insisted I helped to wash his body and he surrendered. I won't tell where I lingered with the flannel, but it wasn't his face, and then I had to wash it again. I was having fun.

I helped him to dress and come down stairs, that was quite scary, he's quite a bit bigger than me and if he'd fallen, we'd have both been in hospital. However, we got down safe and I made him comfortable in his favourite chair. Moments later, Stella grabbed me and whipped me up to the bathroom and began washing my hair.

I ended up with a trim and more highlights, some ash blonde, some strawberry and one or two actually light pink. She also gave me a demiwave to put some more body into it. When I looked in the mirror as she finished drying it, I had quite a shock.

"Wow!" I said otherwise speechless.

"So waddya think?"

"It's certainly different," I managed to exhale.

"You don't like it do you?"

"I didn't say that, it's just erm, different."

"Go and see what Lord Stanebury thinks."

"Yes mam," I curtseyed and giggling went off to my lord and master.

He was watching Top Gear or some other such inanity. "Out the way babes, you're blocking the telly." He gestured for me to move.

"Well what do you think?"

He glanced at me for about two nanoseconds and went back to Clarkson and his lunatic friends, "Yes it's lovely."

"But it's bright green," I wailed.

"Yes dear, it's lovel.... what?" he looked up at me.

"It looks very nice, you're even more beautiful if that's possible." Then his eye fell back on the telly. I was wasting my time.

"Wanna go shopping Stella," I called to the kitchen.

"We can't, someone has to stay with Si."

"It's okay Clarkson is babysitting."

"Who?" she asked walking into the room and saw me arms folded and foot tapping while Simon continued watching the telly oblivious to my presence.

She walked over to the set and turned it off, taking the remote with her. His mouth dropped open. "Hey, give that back," he called after her but she'd gone out through the kitchen and was out on the drive.

"You bring that back," he said as she returned breathing heavily after running through the house.

"What, we have a guest and all you can do is watch television? Simon Cameron, I am ashamed at you."

"But it's only...." he paused and registered the shock and hurt on my face. "Please babes, don't take it like that....aw shit!"

In tears I dashed past Stella and up to my room, slamming the door behind me.

"You dickhead! Everytime she comes here she spends half of it locked in her room because of your big gob! Grrrr!"

I was lying on the bed sobbing, how could I come second to Jeremy Clarkson? Stella knocked gently, and came in. She sat alongside me and gently rubbed my neck. "Hey come on, let's go shopping. He can wait for his lunch!"

It took me a few more minutes to agree and to wipe my face with cold water. I didn't bother replacing the small amount of makeup I'd worn, just some lippy and we went downstairs.

"We're going shopping. Your lunch is on the table," she announced to Simon. All I could see was a can of baked beans and a saucepan.

"Stella, he won't be able to open those," I remarked.

"Good!" she snapped and pulled out the door. I had to go back and get my jacket and bag.

We drove into Portsmouth and spent an hour food shopping, neither of us were in the mood for much else. Spotting some bread, I suddenly realised I hadn't brought the breadmaker.

Stella nodded and ten minutes later we were carrying a new one back to the car, plus a pile of flour and yeast and other ingredients. I sneaked a readymix pack of almond slice into my shopping and wondered if Simon would be able to tell the difference.

The rest of the afternoon, I spent making bread or cakes or sorting out the dinner. As the oven was already on for the cakes, I did a coq au vin and set it to cook.

Eventually, I crawled alongside Simon who was fast asleep on the sofa and snuggled up to him and fell asleep. The timer woke me up and I took the cakes out of the oven, the bread was going to be quite a bit longer.

"Cor, something smells good," remarked the waking Simon.

"Well you can thank Cathy, she's slaved all afternoon," snapped Stella looking for her keys.

"Yeah, thanks babe," he said looking at me.

I hoped that his incapacity was only due to his injuries and not habitual, if it was he had a shock coming.

"Aren't you staying to eat Stella??"

"Nah, John is coming by at quarter to, we're eating out."

"Okay, shall I freeze any leftovers?"

"Oh yeah, that'd be good. You sure you haven't been married before?"

"Before what?" I asked pretending to look goofy.

She laughed, "Well you're so damned efficient, no wonder your dad wants you to become his housekeeper and Professor wotsisname, wants to marry you or adopt you or whatever."

"I think the term is enslave," I offered.

"Whatever, look there's John gotta go, behave you two or I won't let you play again."

We hugged and airkissed, Simon waved and grunted and she ran off.

"What did she do with the remote?" asked Simon lumbering around the room.

"She took it outside," I said.

"Be a good girl an' go an' get it."

"I can't." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Why not?"

"I couldn't see where she threw it."

"What? That woman is off her bloody rocker."

There was another upstairs, but I wasn't going to suggest it unless I got bored, very bored. "Dinner will be ready soon, where would you like to eat?"

"I'll come into the dining room. I can't get over that bloody sister of mine, how could she throw the friggin' remote down the garden?"

"You'll have to ask her that," I said standing a carton of juice in front of the desired object, in the fridge.

"Bloody hell, Leicester and Wasps are playing tonight. Oh shit!"

"Well, in terms of playing, maybe you should just settle for a home match tonight," I purred.

"Why are Pompey* playing then?"

"Arrrrrgh!" I screamed before I ran out into the garden only to find it was raining. I stood in the back porch, sulking.

Pompey = A local slang name for Portsmouth City FC.