Sweet dreams-12 …Am I in a Daydream.

Chapter 12

Its breakfast and packing real lunches then us heading off to school again. It’s still not routine to me. Actually the whole thing’s kind of special; even dreamlike. I mean we stop and get a box of stuff from Wired and we meet at our regular table and just hanging out together. There’s people that know my name and they treat me like I’m an actual human being and stuff.

Not the street trash kid that I am. Even Jennifer’s actually human to me and some of the cheer types too. I still save a few for the other kids and resolve myself to actually maybe learning how to cook better even bake a bit. Todd still looks startled that I treat him like a human being and the kids he’s friends with too. I save a peanut butter brownie for Mandy at the office and then it’s off to classes.

What can I say about them? I like my classes and I’m seriously behind in a lot of stuff but I push myself and even ask for some of the back assignments. I want to catch up. I hate feeling like I don’t get everything in the course. Bing smart was one of the few things that I sort of had going for me but right now…yeah I’m smart but I’m struggling to keep up.

But the classes too are like nothing I’m used to. Teachers who actually like their jobs for the most part and that make the classes interesting enough that we actually participate and have a real class instead of the few kids trying to get good grades like me hunkering down and trying to steer clear of the inner city bullshit.

Lunch times a huge change in my life like in the mornings and it’s actually not just me stuffing my face, even though I notice I eat more like the rest of the girls than as a guy. Alex and his guys eat these huge mouthfuls and kind of chomp, chomp through their food. I’m taking big bites and mouthfuls too or I thought I was but if you watch the guys too closely it’s kinda eeew.

Which is kind of funny.

And apparently so is my giving Alex a toothbrush because. “I’m not kissing him with all that gunk in his teeth. I’m not that hungry.”

He takes it and says. “Fine but I’m not kissing an ashtray anymore then.” He reaches into my pocket and takes out my smokes and does a nice three point shot into the trash can. I look at him and he looks at me and I nod.

“I’ll try, I need to quit anyway right?”

There some nods around the table and a few smiles and we both go off to brush our teeth. I’m nervous as heck as there’s a little girl entourage with me or ends up going with me. Some brush their teeth too and there’s of course the whole custom of talking about the guys and then there’s a lot of who’s who kind of gossip and I’m not really able to follow much of that even if I was interested. Then there’s reapplying and touching up our make up. Jeeze just doing that and being as minimally as social as possible takes a good ten minutes.

It’s unbelievable how raw some of the topics can be though. I’d be less interested if the topic hadn’t turned to sex. And who liked what and sizes and duration and even tastes and tricks about stuff like that. Apparently there’s certain foots that’ll effect the way a guys stuff tastes. I always thought stuff like that was bullshit. But I’m told that pineapple, changes the way a person tastes once you eat enough of it. Yeah…I wonder how many bushels of it you’d have to eat of it.

I try to stay out of the subject matter but it’s fascinating at the same time. Which is a good way to get noticed and they look at me. “I’ve gotta go, Alex is waiting for me.” And I quickly duck out to shouts of hey! And Hunter! and unfair!

I’m blushing though when I get back to Alex.

I’m feeling so heated up, and aching, wanting to do things and touch things and maybe even taste…? things after I had been sitting off in a quiet corner of the school with him and kissing, really, really kissing and being held for like only maybe fifteen minutes.

But I’ve never been gently held like I’m wanted or that I’m special before and I’ve never kissed with anyone for fifteen minutes before and to do that after all those things that the girls were talking about. I don’t feel like I’m gay, I’m freaked out but I’m not that freaked out and I’m very attracted to him right now plus what we did in the shower together this morning sort of crossed some kind of line.

I don’t even have breasts but it feels good anyway when he’s touching me and massaging my breast…I don’t know what else to call it. It felt like he was massaging my breast. I hate being confused like this. But dammit I thing I like all the other feelings.

It’s enough that I’m biting my lip and thinking about him in these little fits and spurts throughout my afternoon classes. I find myself staring at my computer screen and stuff just listening to the teacher but also thinking of Alex and playing with my hair a little. I talk with some of the guys in the class because there’s only like four girls taking the advance class with us and the rest are guys. Todd’s there and this cute sorta geek not geek guy Michael with short blonde hair that’s on the schools baseball team. I score a bit of a laugh when I started calling Todd, Magee and Michael, Tony and they didn’t really get it until the teacher coughed to get us back to work and I said. “Sorry Gibbs.”

I’m kind of officially Abby now in computer lab. It was more than nice to joke like that.

I end up going to watch his practice and I use his laptop while sitting sort of semi sprawled in the seats, my feet propped up on Alex’s book bag, his varsity jacket under me cushioning me from the hard crappy seats. I’ve got my sunglasses on and I’m tuned into one of the alternative metal and rock online radio stations as I watch while doing my homework and some of the back assignments.

I’m trying to avoid the “football wives” as it were. Y’know the girlfriends that weren’t driven enough to be on the cheer team but hot enough to pick and choose what guys they wanted or rather thought it was like that. The better the played the more they wanted and coveted him and hated with plastic smiles on their faces anyone who was doing “better” than they were. Like really any of that will matter after high school’s finished?

They hate my guts for going out with Alex. If he wasn’t going to be with Jennifer then he was supposed to be theirs I guess. Then this gothy, punky, kinda sorta Biff Naked meets Pink meets Wednesday Addams chick comes along and completely ignores the rules.

Like…Oh My Gawd, Like How Effing Dare I?

I can hear them mumble hissing and clucking about my short comings, mostly about my body and a few comments about some of the cheer team who’ve earned their wrath recently or whatever. I look up and over at them when I hear them bitching about me faking being friends with the geek squads and stuff and one of them sees me and glares at me. I push my sunglasses up further on my nose with my middle finger.

They…are not amused.

Cheered me up immensely though.

I watch some of Alex’s practice but I’m mostly in the groove of getting my stuff done. I’ve actually got today’s stuff done and I’ve sent stuff off for a few of the back assignments to the teacher’s folders. Yeah, you can actually e-mail in your homework at this place. I really want to make a good impression here and for them to actually like me.

It actually matters this time.

That’s so scary actually just in itself. I’m so not used to any of this it feels sometimes like there’s so much on the line, like I’ve still sort of got to hold my breath. My life’s never this good and I’m almost waiting for it to fall apart.

I’m just getting an, I need a smoke sulk self pity thing going when the cheer squad comes out to do their thing. I watch them more than I actually watch the football. It’s actually more interesting to me. Would I join up? Hell no, I’m not that co-ordinated. Plus I’m a stick and oh yeah…I’m a guy.

But after watching them doing their thing and shaking their stuff and moving and gyrating I can’t help but to slip off to fantasy land. There’s this weird strange twisted part of me that’s really interested in them. I get turned on like most guys would at the way they look; the way that they move and it’s giving me this ow way too confined hurt. Confused? Oh hell yes I’m confused because as much as that’s normal and clashing with the fact that I feel about Alex the way that I do…there this other part of me that’s sort of saying, I’d like to look that pretty, I wonder how it’d feel to have breasts like hers or a bottom and hips filled out like that? Do you notice that you wiggle and sway like that when you’ve done that all you’re life?

And the thing is that it’s just as strong and just as mixed up as the way I’m genuinely attracted to some of them. Just like the way I’ve been seriously thinking about going further with Alex. God it’s confusing and kind of stressful and I really, really could use a smoke.

I need to get myself a doctor or something and get on the patch or the gum or something.

I’m quiet and edgy and a bit pissy if truth be told by the time Alex comes out of the showers and we head off to work. He’s got a DVD and a bunch of papers with stuff photocopied on them.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Plays and some video on Halling’s High. We’ve got a game with them next week.”

“Oh, home or away?”

“Away but it’s still here in the city.”

“Oh can I come?”

“Yeah, we’re together so definitely.”

I have the oddest feeling that he wanted to say something else. I let it slide, I don’t want to but I let it go. We get to work and Hali takes one look at me and walks over and guides me to the little side room/larder break room thingy is.

“Oy, shit girl you look like yer ‘avin a right crapper of a day luv. C’mere what the matter huh?”

“I’m confused as shit, I’ve no idea if I’m gay or straight or bi and I think that it’s not just me able to pass for a skinny chick it’s more than that.”

“Shit, here sit let me put the kettle on.”

“’Kay…oh and I quit smoking today at lunch.”

“Here.” She tossed me a package of nicorette. “Chew it a couple times and hold it against the side of your mouth.”

“You’re quitting too?” I pop a piece in and chomp a few times, oh yeah great effing taste; I think I’ll try the patch.

“Yeah, you can’t have a smoke anywhere in this bloody country without sending a bug up someone’s arse.”

“Yeah, Alex said it was like kissing an ashtray.”

“I’ve had that one too, but I’ve quit before so I should be able to help you through it with us going through it together.”

“If you quit why’d you start back up?”

“A wedding reception, I was drinking and so were a bunch of others and they were smoking and there’s nothing like having a smoke while having a pint if you used to smoke and I had one and that was all it took to get me smoking again.”

“Shit, how long’dcha quit for?”

“Three years, it’s been about four months this time around.” Hali passes a cuppa.

I love saying that…cuppa.

She gets hers and looks me over. “So then your thinking about finally getting things sorted.”

“I don’t know? My feelings are all mixed up but this is who I am y’know.”

“I figured you were headed that way. I mean you just take one look at you and you can tell you’ve got something going on.”

“Huh?”

“Hunter, I’m not exactly blind. I can see you’re not exactly the standard parts girl. And I’m cool with that; some of my customers here are sort of like yourself.”

Oh I’m really not with it if I’ve outed myself.

“So you know I’m not a girl?”

“Well luv I’d not go as far as that and all, you certainly don’t strike me as a bloke. For one you really don’t act like it.”

“I didn’t think I was that girly.”

“Oh you’re not one of those girly, girl types I mean you got some of that in you with the number of times I’ve seen you in skirts and stuff but it’s they way that you move, the way that you present yourself, stand, talk it’s all pretty much female. The only real give away is the fact you’re so bleeding skinny and don’t have any curve to you at all.”

“Oh well my mother and the step-shit were a bit more concerned about their next high than the grocery bill.”

“Yeah but even half bloody starved you’d be showing more than what you got now, I mean Kate bloody cocaine Moss has got more curves than you do.”

“But no one’s said anything at school? You think they know?”

“Here in America, land of the bloody most self absorbed teenagers in the world? I’d doubt it, more than likely they’re probably saying you’ve got some kind of eating disorder.”

“I hope you’re right. I really don’t want the hassle.”

I take a few soothing sips of tea. Not too bad this Dharjeely something or other. I’m going to have to learn more about tea too I think, I can make a better than average cuppa according to Hali after she taught me of course.

“So, you’re still on the fence right?” she asks as she takes out a bag of chocolates and offers me some.

“I really don’t know where I’m at in all of this.” I pop one in my mouth and close my eyes and just…I love this dark bitter, but rich better than coffee flavour, it’s finished off by being just perfectly sweet on the back end of it and then the sip of tea that takes it someplace better and me with it for a few seconds.

“Right bloody there love. I’ve never seen that reaction on a fellas face before. Have to face it sometime Hunter, you’re a bloody girl mate.”

“Oh Great more to think about.” I pop the second square in my mouth and enjoy most of it before rudely gulping the dregs of my tea and start getting to work. It’s mostly pricing and sorting and the usual then waiting on a few customers and stuff until Alex shows up.

He didn’t bring stuff from work this time, instead he bring us some Kentucky Fried Chicken and the fixings enough for all of us. I actually make a pig of myself after the first bite. I’ve never actually had it before in my life. I eat two thighs and a drum stick and I end up stealing the skin off of one of his pieces and the next he actually pulled it from the rib section and fed it too me. I like the gravy and the mashed potatoes but not a fan of their coleslaw or of the macaroni salad.

I’m leaning on him stuffed and he wraps his arms around me and we kiss a little. I don’t care right now about him brushing his teeth right now we ate the same thing so…yeah kissing.

I like kissing Alex.

“Thank you for this, it was really great Alex.”

“I’m glad; I could tell that there was something going on past the whole quitting smoking thing.”

“You did?”

“Yeah……..” He kisses me again all sweetly and softly and gently and that and the fact that he actually looks and listens to what’s going on with me and gives a shit. It’s…I’ve never had this.

I ended up walking him upstairs and back to work. I can’t help but kiss him some more when we get there and then It’s back to work and I can’t help but being in a good mood all the rest of my shift. Hali just smiles and we work and just kind of hang out while we’re doing that.

It’s nice to get home though with everything that happened, didn’t happen today and Alex got his stuff done during study hall so we end up actually getting showered and I slip into one of his giant t-shirts and a pair of panties. I think we were going to watch TV but it didn’t take much past a hot shower and just de-stressing to have me falling asleep there on the couch. It wasn’t even ten in the evening before we ended up going to bed.

Together, in the same bed…To fall asleep cuddling up on purpose, with Alex wrapping his arms around me and cuddling with me in this spooning embrace. It feels so good just to be held, to have it be on purpose.