Previously…

After a while, I said that I had a headache and went up to my room. Only it wasn’t my room was it. I had no room or home of my own now. This was all temporary. Within a few days, I would be taken to some God forsaken place and locked away, just like my dad had been. How would I be treated? Would I be bullied, called a girl–let’s face it, I looked more like a girl than a boy– and suffer because I was a bit different from ‘normal’ boys?

I would have my hair cut short. I would be put in rough boys’ clothes and made to act like a boy.

But I wasn't a boy.

It was all too much.

I got up and went over to the window. Looking out, I saw the extensive lawns, woodland, lakes, ornamental gardens and beyond that the fields. To my left I saw a glint of light reflecting off something. The road, with cars passing the estate...

Cars...

Road...

I would leave–escape, if you like. I wouldn’t be taken away. I would not allow them to put me away....

I jumped; there was a cough behind me. Spinning around, there was Auntie just inside the doorway; I hadn’t heard her come in.

‘It wouldn’t work you know,’

‘What?’

‘Running away.’

‘How did you know?’

‘Because that would have been in my thought too in your circumstances. There is a time when you have to face up to things or you will be running away from something for the rest of your life. Do you really want that, to be looking over your shoulder, wondering if the next hand on your shoulder was someone you fear to see?’

I thought for a moment and turned back to look out of the window again. I saw a young deer– a doe, I think– run across the lawns on the far side of the lake and disappear into some woods. She was free, able to go where she liked, not troubled by anything more than where her next meal would come from. I wondered fleetingly if she was part of a herd, or like me, an outcast.

I shuddered, hating to be part of nothing. I missed my mum and my dad...

I felt arms go around my shoulders and I turned around and buried my head in Aunties chest and cried my eyes out.
She made soothing noises and stroked my longish hair. After a minute or two, I drew away and looked up at the kind, concerned eyes.

‘Auntie?’

‘Yes Dear?’

‘I’m tired of running,’

And now the story continues…

I awoke the next morning at 6.00 am according to my new watch. It was a lovely watch with a gold bracelet and jewels on the delicate looking small pearl covered face.

For a moment, a brief, nice and relaxing moment, I had forgotten all my problems and now everything came back with a rush.

I was to go to the police station with Auntie Dulcie and Uncle Harry at nine o’clock. The previous night I had been upset and I could not get out of my head that I would be taken away and put in a kid’s prison — known as a borstal. I would not be treated as a girl but a boy. I would wear rough clothes and be with rough boys. I wasn’t like that. I had never really been like that. I was always quiet, sweet natured and hated the rough and tumble of being a ‘normal’ boy.

At school I had been bullied. Boys are quick on the uptake and can spot someone who was different, quite easily. I was Different with a capital D, I knew that. I was intelligent, but hid my light under a bushel. It was almost a crime to be clever at our school. It wasn’t like St Helens where the girls seemed to be treated very well and were rewarded for being good by the teachers and even respected by the girls and not made to feel bad about whatever talents that a girl had.

Even the head mistress with the improbable sounding name of Amelia Molstrangler was head and shoulders above the sadistic old creep that I had as a head master at my old school.

I reluctantly got out of my warm bed and padded over to the window in my lovely silky nightie. It would be back to rough boys’ prison type pyjamas for me soon and no more soft lovely fabrics.

Looking out of the window onto the immaculate lawns with the lake behind and then the grounds beyond, I sighed.

All right, I was a tea leaf (thief) and I admit it. I had been drawn by necessity to commit the crimes and now I was going to pay for it. It had seemed so exciting and glamorous — just me against the world, but I now knew how shabby a thing it is to do something that deprives others. I didn’t deserve all this– the lovely mansion and nice people to look after me. I was a bad as my dear old dad. He thought that he should have everything on a plate and not work for it and look what happened to him–he spent large chunks of his life in prison and I didn’t see him for months on end.

A tear started out of my eye. It was not going to be a nice day today and I would just have to take what was coming to me.

Then I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together. I may be a girl, but I wasn’t a wimpy girl. I would face the world and get through it.

I just nodded at my reflection in the window and turned away. I had to get dressed and downstairs to breakfast — today was going to be a busy day.

I went downstairs to breakfast. As I opened the door to a deep breath (I was doing a lot of that!), I put a smile on my face and walked in. The others were already there and all looked up as I walked in.

I sat down opposite Alicia who was looking at me with a puzzled expression. Well if she expected me to be all of a wilting violet about today, she had another think coming.

‘You look nice today dear,’ said Auntie.

‘Thank you,’ I replied with a small voice as I put a white napkin on my lap and then stabbed a sausage from a silver platter.

I did look nice though. I went for the angelic; butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth look. If I was going down, I would go down with flying colours!

I was wearing a crisp cotton, peach A-line dress with cap sleeves. It went to just below my knees and was one of my new purchases. It cost a fortune, but I had been told to not worry about the price. I thought that it made me look sweet and innocent, especially as I had managed to put my hair into a high pony with some matching ribbon. I didn’t bother with makeup as I wanted to appear as young as possible. It might or might not help with the authorities, only time would tell!

It was quiet, sombre meal. Nothing much was said, but Uncle Harry did mention that he had spoken to some people and had hopes that everything would be all right. I wished that I had his confidence.

All too soon, Uncle, Auntie, Alicia (who had made a fuss when it was even contemplated that she couldn’t go) and I were in the Rolls heading towards the police station. Alicia tried to cheer me up by saying that she thought that prison food was quite nice now, but it went down like a lead balloon and even she said little more as we went to meet my destiny.

The police station was not a large one, but had the familiar blue lamp outside. To be honest, without the signs etc, it would have looked much like an ordinary house. Not like in my home town just forty minutes away, where the one there was huge and had gates, bars and other things to make sure you knew that bad things and bad people were being dealt with there on a regular basis.

In seconds we were inside and I was shown into an interview room. Alicia had to stay outside and Auntie stayed with her, after giving me a big hug and a few words of encouragement.

A few seconds later a man in a pin-striped suit came in.

‘Ah Donald, thanks for coming,’ said Uncle getting up and shaking his hand.

‘Lucinda, this is your solicitor, Donald Smyth-Hill.’

‘Hello Lucinda, no don’t get up, let’s get cracking. Inspector Jones will be interviewing you shortly but we have a few moments to chat. It’s lucky that we all belong to the same lodge.’

‘Lodge?’ I asked.

‘Never mind, just let me say that we know each other and he is a decent sort of chap. Some policeman are not so, shall we say, accommodating? Anyway, enough of that, tell me all that has happened and don’t leave anything out. I can’t help you if you lie or miss things out.’

I took (another) deep breath and told him all about what had happened to me. This was the third time I had done this and I was beginning to get a bit fed up with telling and retelling my story, but I knew that I had to do it.

I had only just finished when the door opened and a policeman walked in. He was in plain clothes, but from where I came from, you could spot a copper from miles away. Just after a young police woman came in, she had a pen and writing pad inner hand. She sat in a corner and said nothing but just kept writing furiously. I noticed her red nail varnish and thought that her hands looked really pretty with that colour...

‘Right, we need to have a talk young erm... Brian?’

I nearly giggled at that. I think that he expected see some boy in fancy dress or something instead of a young seemingly well bred gel in a designer dress.

‘Lucinda,’ I said quietly.

‘Right...yes, erm Lucinda. Look, let’s find out what can be done here.’

The others sat down next to me with the inspector opposite with a packet of cigarettes and a lighter on the table in front of him. He offered everyone except me and the police woman a cigarette; there were no takers so he just lit one for himself, drawing in the smoke deeply and then looking up as he exhaled the blue grey smoke.

‘Right Br...Lucinda, tell me everything...’

I nearly groaned, here we go again...

Twenty minutes and glass of water later, I had finished telling him my life story, warts and all.

‘So, you are saying that you knicked all this stuff because of your mother.’

‘Yes and the fact that I didn’t want my mum taken away and definitely didn’t want to be put into any sort of care.’

‘How do you feel about Mr Goldstein?’

‘I’m sorry I ever stole anything from him and the other things I did. I was desperate; I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to make my mum happy...’

I started to cry then and Auntie was called in. After a few minutes when all the men left, leaving Auntie and I alone apart from the police woman who was doing quite a good impression of a wall flower; I somehow recovered myself. A few minutes later the police woman was called out and shortly after two cups of tea and some digestives were brought in by her.

The woman in blue actually smiled at me as she handed me the tea and she seemed to be a nice person. We were left alone again as the police woman took the tray out, closing the door after her.

Auntie asked me how things were going.

‘I don’t know. He seems nice, for a policeman, but my dad never trusted policemen and the local police never liked my family for some reason.’

‘Well you father did have a bit of a record.’

‘I know and I will now too.’

‘We’ll see. Don’t keep looking on the dark side of things.’

‘I can’t help it. My whole life seems to have been jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.’

‘Look...’

Auntie Dulcie was interrupted by the door opening.

The Inspector Jones, Uncle Harry and Donald Thingie-Whatsit came in and they all sat down and joined us with a scraping of chairs on linoleum.

‘Right Lucinda,’ said the inspector. ‘I have spoken with Mr Goldstein about this and fully explained the facts. He knows about you and how you got yourself into this mess. He wants three things. One he wants paying for the things you took. He wants an apology from you and a promise on the bible that you will never do a thing like this again and thirdly, his garden is a mess and he wants you to spend the next two weekends clearing it up. If you agree to this he will drop the charges. Do you agree to these conditions?’

‘I haven’t any money...’

‘We’ll sort that side out and come to some sort of arrangement,’ said Auntie.

I looked at her kind face and felt like crying again. I did wish that I wasn’t such a cry baby sometimes.

I turned back to the inspector nodded and said, ‘yes,’ in a small voice.

‘In addition to this, we have ascertained that the school will not bring any charges against you. I think that your foster parents will fill you in on other aspects regarding the school later. As far as we are concerned, consider yourself lucky that you have a lot of support. I have seen too many youngsters turn out like your father. It never got him anywhere and you and your mother suffered from the consequences of the actions he took. I never want to see you here again, if I do, I will make sure that you will be prosecuted. Do you understand?’

‘Yes sir.’

After that, with a scraping of chairs everyone got up and soon we were outside again. I was feeling a bit numb. I was not going to be put away. I wasn’t going to have to be a boy again. I had my freedom and it was thanks to everyone around me. Impulsively, as we walked out into the bright sunshine I hugged my foster parents and Donald Double-Barrelled.

Alicia ran up with two ice cream cones.

‘Here you are Lucinda, I knew that it would be all right. I didn’t fancy visiting my best friend in prison and trying to smuggle a file in a cake.’

‘Alicia, don’t be over dramatic.’

‘Yes Auntie, I mean no Auntie.’

I looked at them both and just laughed out loud.

After eating the ice cream and thanking my solicitor profusely, we made our way back to the mansion. As we slid along the country lanes with just a whispering sound from the tires and engine, I wondered what was going to happen now. I knew that I had to go and see Mr Goldstein on Saturday and that I would have to apologise and work in his garden, but that was a small price to pay for what I had done to him. I was to have pocket money from Auntie and Uncle, the same as Alicia, but half would be taken away to pay for the things that I had taken. Once again, it wasn’t a problem. Things seemed to be working out okay at the moment, but the future, I had no idea.

We arrived back to the place that was now my home, however temporary and I made my way upstairs and changed out of my dress and into another one —a pink mini with white flowers. After taking my hair out of the pony tail, I spent a bit of time brushing it. It was getting longer all the time and I hoped that I would be able to go to a salon soon. Evidently, I had spilt ends and that sounded painful.

I still couldn’t believe that i was free. I had been convinced that I would be locked away somewhere and I wasn’t. I was back in my room and I had something positive to look forward to–well i hoped I did, anyway!

I powdered my nose and then I tried to put on some lipstick and it took three goes for me to get it right. My hands were still a bit shaky for some reason. Eventually I was happy with my appearance so I went downstairs again.

Alicia was in the hall with a phone receiver in her hand. I looked at her inquisitively and she mouthed ‘Daddy,’

I left her to it, hoping that things were going to work out for her too and went into the big sitting room. Auntie was there reading some sort of glossy magazine in a deep armchair by the huge French doors.

‘Hello Lucinda, drag up a chair. I wanted to have a chat with you when all was quiet.’

I pulled over and sat down beside her.

‘How are you feeling dear?’

‘A bit drained. I really thought that I would be taken away from here.’

‘You like it here?’

‘Yes, very much but...’ I felt my face go red.

‘What dear?’

‘I...I like being here with you, and...and...Uncle.’

She stared at me for a moment and her eyes suddenly looked bit moist.

‘Yes, well we love having you here and to be truthful it’s nice to have children about and you are a rather special child.’

‘I’m not.’

‘Well we think that you are, but enough of that. We need to talk about the future. Harry wanted to be here but he has had to go up to the city to do some business, so I have been delegated to sound you out on a few things.’

‘A few things?’

‘Yes, we want to do thing right thing by you. We need to get you to see a psychiatrist and find out what can be done for you. That is being seen to and something will be arranged next week. Also, I have spoken to the authorities and they are happy for us to look after you until something more permanent has been arranged.

‘I don’t want to be in a council home!’

‘No one is going to put you in a home if I have anything to do with it. In fact, we would like you to stay here permanently, if it can be arranged. Would you like that?’

‘Oh yes Mummy...I mean Auntie.’

There. I had said it. I had spoiled everything I had called her Mummy. She would think that I was stupid, idiotic, above myself and that I presumed too much. In my heart of hearts that was what I wanted — them as parents. They wouldn’t be a replacement for my own parents but something new and wonderful and now I had spoiled everything with my wild dreams of being part of a family again...

I was being hugged as I cried yet again. Where were all these tears coming from? When would they ever stop?

Eventually I did stop and pull myself together. Auntie’s wet lace hanky was clasped in my hand as I sniffed and awaited her response to my too far too familiar remark.

‘Lucinda, look at me.’

I looked up at her kind, caring face. I hadn’t been the only one with tears on her face. How could I have ever thought that she was in any way severe and haughty?

‘If you want to call me Mummy, you can, and if you want to call Harry Daddy, that’s fine too. We are not your biological parents, but there are thousands of people who have been fostered or adopted in similar circumstances to you and I am sure that a large percentage of them call their new carers mother, father or whatever. If all goes well and we get on all right we will, if we can, make it so that we adopt you. Would you like that?’

‘More than anything, but you hardly know me.’

‘That’s true, but sometimes first impressions are the true ones. As soon as we knew you we thought that you were nice sweet girl and nothing you have done in the past changes that opinion. But this brings us again to the future. Would you like to go back to St Helens as a pupil?’

I thought about that happy place, the girls, laughter, fun and games and the community of the school itself. It may not be the Chalet School, but it was the next best thing to me.

I nodded.

‘Would they accept me? They know about my past.’

I have spoken to Miss Molstrangler at length. She understands and is sympathetic.’

‘What about my erm, boy bits?’

‘She has another pupil there at the moment in a similar state to yourself and she feels that it won’t be a problem. She has intimated that she would need to see you first though. We have an appointment tomorrow morning.

‘Tomorrow?’

‘Yes.’

‘Morning?’

‘Yes.’

‘What will I wear?’ I asked in alarm.

‘Spoken like a true girl!’

To Be Continued...

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Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do try, in fact my friends say that I'm very trying!