Previously…

The door opened and Miss Molestrangler came in followed by a girl in hockey kit.

‘Blimey!’ I said, my jaw dropping and landing on the floor with a thud.

‘Lucinda don’t swear,’ said Mummy and Daddy in perfect unison.

In came, with an ear to ear grin, nice-but-maybe-not-so- dim Tanya!

‘I just knew that there was something funny about you!’ she said laughing and coming over. She gave me a big hug and I wondered not for the first time what I had let myself in for.

‘We are going to have so much fun!’

And now the story continues…

It was Monday morning and Mummy and I were in her Mini. I never knew that she had a Mini. I liked Mini’s they were brill! I also didn’t know until that morning that Mummy and Daddy owned loads of cars of all shapes sizes and ages. But enough of that for now; we were in town again going past places that I had known for most of my life including my old school, quiet at the moment as it was quite early. I felt physically sick as we passed the wrought iron gates and the old Victorian building where I had spent too much time being tormented and prosecuted.

I shut my eyes and shook my head at such thoughts.

‘Are you all right dear?’

‘Yes Mummy; that was my old school we just passed.’

‘Mmm, I believe that I might have to have a few words with some people I know. In fact I believe one of the governors belongs to my bridge club. It’s scandalous how you were treated. Anyway never mind that; you are going to start your new school tomorrow–are you excited?’

‘Yes and no,’

‘I know what you mean. But you have Alicia there and of course Tanya.’

Tanya...

I remembered on Friday when I went for the school interview with Miss Molestrangler and Tanya came in dressed in hockey kit, a wide grin on her face.

The head and my parents agreed that I could go for a walk in the grounds with Tanya while they sorted out some paperwork.

Tanya hadn’t said much as we went out, her arm in mine. We passed a few other girls and everyone said hello or maybe nodded a greeting.

I did try to say something but she just answered, ‘in a minute,’ with a smile and secretive look on her pretty face.

Soon we were outside. It was a bit chilly, what with it being autumn now and winter just around the corner. Wearing skirts and dresses can be a bit drafty sometimes but I wouldn’t change what I was wearing for boys’ long trousers for all the tea in China!

To one side of the main school building were some ornamental gardens, with lots of paths and seats dotted about. With an assurance of someone who knew her way around, Tanya led me to a secluded corner and after looking around and seeing that we were alone, she sat me down and then turned towards me.

‘Well you could have knocked me down with a feather when Moley sent for me. I thought that I was in trouble as I had thumped a hockey ball so hard, it hit one of the greenhouse windows. Good shot really, it’s all in the flick of the wrist...anyway enough of that. Is it true what I was told?’

‘What were you told?’ I asked, not knowing how much she actually knew about my situation.

‘That you weren’t really a pupil and that you snuck in and pretended to be a school girl and that you lost your mother and that underneath, you still have boy bits and you are really a girl?’

‘Erm.’

‘Look you can tell me; I can keep a secret. I have a pretty big one myself, after all. I knew when I first saw you that there was something not quite right about you but I thought that you were a sweet girl and I wanted to be your friend. I had no idea that you were like me, with boy bits but desperate to be a girl.’

I looked at her and could see that she meant what she said. Well if we were going to be fellow ex-boys or whatever, I had to tell her about me.

And so I did. It was nice to unload what I had been through to her. All right, others had heard my story, but this was a girl who had gone through similar things to me–not the stealing or losing parents bit, but she had once had to live as a boy when she should be a girl, so we had this strong link in common and importantly, I hoped that she would understand how I felt about myself.

It took a while to tell her about my life; not daring to look at her face in case she didn’t like what she was hearing. I told her about my father and what he did for a living–a thief and the fact that the only time he ever went straight, was when he got himself killed. Then I related the problems I had with my mum and the fact that she went to pieces after Dad died. Recalling her overuse of tranquilizers given to deaden the pain and then the drink because the drugs weren’t enough. I told her about how I managed to keep us afloat by stealing just like my dad and then the final robbery at Goldsteins on the night that I last saw my mum alive.

Telling Tanya how I found Mum in the morning, dead and covered in her own filth almost made me break down and I felt a soft warm hand go in mine as I continued with my story. When I found those clothes on that line after leaving home with no real sense of direction felt almost like a dream to me–it all seemed so unreal, but trying to explain my feelings to Tanya, I felt the I couldn’t express my words in a way that matched the feelings that I had at the time. It was a feeling that I felt “right”. It wasn’t only the clothes; it was just that the outward “me” now seemed to match the me inside. I had now realised was what I had been all the time–a girl.

Then I smiled as I recalled finding the school and how I hid away in the attic room, only coming down when it was safe to do so to get “supplies”. I heard a few gasps from Tanya as I recounted my adventures in the dead of night, being caught by matron and how I found Alicia in the sanatorium.

Finally, I told her about my new parents and how things were now going right for me at long last. At the end I just sat there. I had been surprised that Tanya had not interrupted or said anything while I told my story. Maybe she was shocked or too horrified to speak. True she still held my hand. Maybe she just felt pity for me...

‘Luc, look at me.’

Through damp eyes, hesitantly, I looked up.

She had been crying and her eyes were red.

‘We’re a right pair, aren’t we? Well at least as girls, we are allowed to cry sometimes. You’ve been through a lot haven’t you? Well we are now going to make things right. You don’t know what it means to me to have another girl like me as a friend. The others are nice, except for Muriel who nobody likes because she never washes and tells tales to the teachers. I would never have dreamed that you weren’t born a girl, you are a natch.’

‘What about you; how did you come out as a girl?’

‘Me, I was a girl ever since I realised that boys were different to us. I couldn’t understand why some children wore dresses and others trousers–until I was told why. I kept telling my parents that I was happier in dresses, but you know what parents are like. They never listen and think that they are right all the time. ‘Boys do not dress like girls, Giles,’ they said –that was my name then, Giles; I always hated it and in my head I was Tanya.

‘ In the end I would only answer to Tanya and I refused to wear trousers or get my hair cut. Then Daddy got all strong and manly with me and took me into the woods for a camping and hiking trip. I hated every minute of it as he tried to get me to toughen up and be strong. In the end he realised that he was flogging a dead horse and when we came home, he and Mummy put their heads together and then I was hauled up in front of a head doctor. He was about a hundred and fifty and almost deaf. When he eventually realised what all this was about, he said that I was ill and he knew a clinic that might be able to get rid of my feminine tendencies and make me grow like a normal boy.

‘Gosh.’ I said, ‘and I thought that I had it bad.’

‘Well, maybe, anyway, when I got home I had a strop and told my parents that no way was I going to allow them to open up my head and play about with my brain. I was sent up to my room and the door was locked on me. Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me and thought that they were doing what they considered to be the best for me. Anyway, I got fed up with shouting at a locked door so I did something about it. I climbed out of the window and went along the edge to the bathroom next door.

‘The window was open because someone had had a bath and it gets a bit steamy in there sometimes. I nearly fell off the ledge but managed somehow to scramble in. I was lucky that no one was in there at the time–anyway; I sat on the loo and had a think. I was so unhappy by then that I didn’t know if there was a way out for me. No one would listen and I was disgusted with the way I looked. I just wanted to be a girl and be pretty and do what girls do. Instead I was being forced into being someone I wasn’t. The bathroom cabinet had some of Mummy’s sleeping pills in there. I had seen her take them out often enough. I had the idea that I couldn’t live as Giles and they wouldn’t have me as Tanya, so there wasn’t much point in carrying on.

‘I wanted to end all the pain and suffering. I was very young, but old enough to realise what death meant. I would go to sleep ...and not wake up and then I wouldn’t suffer any more...’

‘You didn’t...’

‘...I did. I took several of the pills and then after a bit I felt very sleepy and then didn’t remember anything else until I woke up in hospital with a sore throat, headache and feeling very sick. My first thoughts were that I had failed. I was still in pain and I had nobody that would help me. I burst into tears and the next thing I realised was that Mummy and Daddy were there cuddling and hugging me.

‘A doctor came in then and they had to go out, but not before telling me that I wasn’t in trouble and that they would help me all they can. The doctor sat by me and then asked me lots of questions. I told him about why I did what I did and why. He kept asking me about what I liked. What sort of clothes that I would wear and things like that. Then he asked about what hobbies I liked and if I had many friends and if they were boys or girls. He then got out this writing pad and did a thing called word association. He asked me to say the first word that came into my head in answer to his word. He did it for ages and then because my throat was so sore from the tube they put down me before, we stopped.’

Tanya looked into the distance for a moment and then looked at me.

‘After that, things got better. My parents were told that although I had a boy’s body, I had the personality, temperament and nature of a girl. I was asked what I wanted to be, which was nice as no one had ever asked my opinion before. I, of course said that I was a girl so there was no question that I wanted to be one and not be a boy. It took ages for things to get sorted out but at first I was allowed to dress and be a girl at home but not outside. I was home tutored then so at least I didn’t have to deal with a nasty school like you had to. Eventually, my parents found this place and it’s great. Now you are here and that’s brilliant. It’s great to have someone like me here. We can look out for each other and at least we have each other to share secrets with.’

She beamed at me and the next thing we knew we hugging each other. I was sure that there was a lot more to her story and |I would try to find out more at another time, but for now, I was relieved to find someone like Tanya to be friends with and share things that I couldn’t do with other girls.

‘Tanya,’ I said after a minute,

‘Yes?’

‘Don’t get me wrong, but when I saw you before you seemed to be a bit, erm...’

‘Thick?’ she laughed.

‘Well I wasn’t going to put it like that.’

‘No, it’s all right. I find that it’s quite funny to appear stupid, when you’re not. I have a hoot of a time with the teachers and some of the brainier kids. Anyway, I didn’t want to stand out as some sort of brain machine. The less I stand out, the better. I am written off as nice, but dim and harmless.’

‘You shouldn’t have to do that. At my last school, I had to act like that or I would be bullied.’

She looked at me with a strange smile on her face.

‘Well, maybe now that you are coming here, I might stop the act. We’ll see.’

My thoughts came back to the present as we passed Market Square, where I had lived in grotty rooms above a shop with my mum before she died and then further on at all the places that I had known so well. I recognised a few faces, but they wouldn’t recognise me now, as a girl–well I hoped they wouldn’t anyway.

We were getting near our destination and I started to feel a bit nervous, wondering what my reception would be like.

‘Worried dear?’

‘A bit, Mummy,’

‘He won’t bite, you know.’

‘I hope not,’ I replied doubtfully.

All too soon we had arrived and I got out of the car and walked with Mummy to the shop and at her insistence, I opened the door and walked in. There was a bell over the door which jingled or was that jangled as we went in. Behind the counter stood Mr Goldstein; he looked up at us as we approached the counter.

‘Can I help you?’ he asked.

‘I’m Lucinda,’

‘Sorry, do I know you.’

‘I stole some things from your shop.’

‘I thought that you were a boy called Brian?’

Hadn’t anyone told him?

‘Erm no, it was me.’

He looked confused and Mummy spoke up.

‘Lucinda is here as you requested to do some work on your garden.’

He shrugged and said, ‘I must be getting old or deaf; I am sure that it was a boy called, I think, Brian. Never mind, you are here to work so you shall. Come out to the garden in the back and I will see show you what has to be done. I don’t approve of boys who steal, but girls, now that seems even worse. Come along...’

‘I will leave you Lucinda and will pick you up in three hours.’

‘Do you have to go Mummy?’

‘Yes dear. This is one thing that you have to do for yourself.’

She kissed me briefly and gave me a hug and then she was gone, leaving me to the tender or maybe not so tender mercies of Mr Goldstein.

The back garden was more like a back yard with a lot of rubbish, a concrete patio area and edges that were lined with what were once some flower borders, but now had been given over to weeds. It was a mess and I crinkled my nose. Cats had used this place as a toilet and I could smell things that no politely brought up girl should experience.

‘There you are then. You can get started on this. There are tools in the shed and some refuse sacks. I’ll leave you to it.’

With that he gave me a strange smile and then went back into the shop, shutting the door behind him.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing an old jumper and a skirt of Alicia’s that had seen better days. It was deemed to be a good idea that I should not wear nice clothes and I could now see the sense in that.

Sighing, I went over to the old wooden shed that had seen better days and wrenched the door open. It looked like this hadn’t been used much as there were cobwebs everywhere and the tools wee dusty and a bit rusty in places. After a few more sighs at the unfairness of it all followed by a wry smile reminding myself this was very fair under the circumstances I started taking some tools out and then when I had what I needed, I started the clear up.

I won’t bore you with the details as it was Boring with a capital B. I was soon tidying up, putting rubbish in backs, sweeping and then weeding. It was surprising how fast the time went as I worked like a beaver. The garden had a low wall and the occasional passer by looked in at me and a few even said hello, but I was concentrating on what I was doing as the sooner this mess was cleared up, the sooner I could go and have a bath, be disinfected and be able to put nice clean clothes on.

I suppose I was there for a few hours, when I realised that someone was looking at me over the wall. Looking up, I brushed some hair out of my eyes and then my heart sort of flipped. It was Percy Pointer, the truancy officer and he didn’t look happy.

‘It is you, Brian. What the hell are you dressed like that; another one of your tricks is it?’

I stood up and went over. At least I had the wall between him and me.

‘I’m Lucinda now.’

He looked very red in the face and he was breathing heavily. I could see the sweat on his forehead and his hands that gripped the top of the wall were white and seemed to be trembling slightly.

‘I heard a rumour. I couldn’t believe it. You have wormed your way out of trouble again. Listen, you will always be a boy. This is another way of getting out of your responsibilities. I got into trouble over you and nearly lost my job. I should have been more help, they said. I shouldn’t have tried to bully you. Me bully you? The council have no idea how hard it is to run down you truancy kids and you were one of the worst, always giving me cheek. They should have caned you more not less. Look at you, a boy in a dress. You disgust me. You must be sick to want to look like that. You may have pulled the wool over the eyes of everybody, but not me. I know you for what you are. It wouldn’t have happened in my day...’

He took a deep shuddering breath. I was so upset though, I didn’t pay much attention and then it happened, he gave a sort of a sigh and then with eyes closed he sunk out of view.

The back door to the shop opened and Mr. Goldstein came out.

‘What is going on?’

I shouted for him to dial 999 and ask for an ambulance and then without further thought, I somehow jumped up on the wall, somehow scraping my bare knee in the process and went over the other side.

I landed next to Percy Pointer who ominously was very still and his lips were turning a funny shade of blue...

When I was at my old school, there was a demonstration by The St John’s Ambulance Brigade about how to do CPR and mouth to mouth or the kiss of life. It was one of the few useful things that I ever learnt at that place. They used a dummy and several of the kids in our class had a go, including me. Most of the others thought that it would be a good laugh to mess about with the dummy, but I wanted to know how to do it. I had been worried about mum and the fact that she wasn’t very well. Her drug and alcohol addiction was getting bad and I thought that it might be a good idea to learn all I could–just in case. I wanted to help if something nasty happened to her. The fact that she died while I was asleep next door would make me feel a bit guilty forever. I cleared my mind of such thoughts as I looked down at Pointer.

Anyway, I saw immediately that he wasn’t breathing. I seemed to go into some sort of automatic response. I opened his mouth. He had dentures in and I took them out, I somehow stretched him out onto his back and then made sure that his tongue wasn’t obstructing his breathing, then, I must admit, with some distaste I started mouth to mouth and chest compressions. I tried to remember the ratios; I think that it was 15:2 but wasn’t sure. Anyway, I worked on him as well as I could and tried to find a pulse, but to be honest I couldn’t find anything and wasn’t that sure that I was looking in the right place. It all seemed to go on for ever and my arms really started to ache with the effort. I vaguely realised that Mr. Goldstein had come back and he said something about an ambulance was on its way. I was starting to get really tired by now and I didn’t know if I was doing any good. Other people had arrived, but were doing nothing helpful. It appeared that no one else knew what to do and so it was left to little me. I was waiting for someone to come through and say, ‘stand back, I’m a doctor,’ but that only happens in films. Eventually, after what seemed like hours but was only in fact minutes, I could hear the bell of the ambulance.

I was pulled away as the ambulance men took over and then after a few minutes, Percy Pointer was whipped away, all bells clanging in the ambulance. The crowd quickly dispersed and I was left with M. Goldstein who led me into his shop, sat me down and gave me a cup of strong tea. My hands were shaking so much that I had trouble holding my cup.

‘You did very well there, young lady,’ said Mr. Goldstein looking at me over gold half-moon glasses.

‘Is he dead?’ I asked.

‘The ambulance man said they could feel a pulse, so there’s hope for him.’

‘I never liked him; he wasn’t a nice man.’

‘You knew him then?’

‘Yes he was the truant officer.’

‘And you were out of school often?’

‘Yes, I hated the place and had to look after my mum. He was always after me and was never happier than when he pulled me back to school.’

‘Well, you did the best that you could today.’

I looked up from my cup and could feel my eyes fill with tears.

‘He said hateful things about me.’

‘Maybe he was just feeling unwell and didn’t know what he was saying.’

‘He knew all right.’ but I didn’t add anything.

I finished my tea and got up.

‘Thanks for the tea,’ I said as I moved towards the back door. I still had some things to do out in the back yard.

‘You have had enough for today. You don’t need to finish.’

I looked at him and just smiled.

‘Oh yes I do,’ I replied after a moment.

Another forty minutes and I had finished. My back ached and my knee was sore from the scrape that I had getting over the wall. It hadn’t bled, but it looked rough and raw and I would have a nice bruise in the morning.

Just as I finished, Mummy arrived and we went home. Mr. Goldstein was serving a customer and just said goodbye to me and thanked me for a doing a good job and saving that man.

After getting in the Mini, Mummy asked what he meant about ‘saving that man.’

‘Oh nothing much; what’s for tea Mummy?

She laughed.

‘You have hollow legs Lucinda. I’ll see what cook can rustle up when we get home.’

I smiled tiredly. Looking down at my dirty clothes, I just couldn’t wait to get a bath and some clean and very pretty things on. I also wanted to brush my teeth vigorously. Percy Pointers’ mouth wasn’t very nice and I want to wash that taste out of my mouth as soon as possible.

As I lay on my bed that night, still a bit battered and bruised, with my favorite dolly on one side of me and my favorite kitten purring in her sleep on the other, I reviewed the day that had just passed. I had no idea if Percy had survived. I hoped that he had because life is precious, even a life like his. Mr.Goldstein turned out to be quite a nice man and I would go and see him again and thank him for being so nice in the circumstances.

On another note, Alicia wasn't with us tonight as she was staying at school. I would be going to school the very next day and I was in her and Tanya’s dorm as well. I would come home at the weekend. Alicia had said that morning that her mother and father were patching things up and hoped to be home very soon so we didn’t know if she would be with us at the weekend or at her own home. I hoped that things worked out OK with her parents. It was so nice to have a happy family around you.

I smiled at the thought of the happy family that I was in now. After all that I had been through, I felt the luckiest girl alive!

To Be Continued...

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Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Please disregard any inaccuracies regarding medical treatment mentioned in this chapter. I did do a course with the St Johns Ambulance Brigade when I was much younger and I remember some of the boys playing about with the dummy, so that bit is fairly accurate anyway. Also, as usual forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do my best, but none of us are perfect!