you will know I am going through a bad time right now.
As I've said I will not self harm, but laying on my back willing myself to die can not be healthy. J My Samsung J3 phone went south when I really needed it.
Guess it is time to write a story or something...
I have been reading SEE (Somewhere Else Entirely)by Penny Lane. It is a very long serial (100+ chapters each long an well written.4 books)Unlike many stories of this quality it has not been taken down and offered for sale as have several I was in the middle of. That is good for my My resources are 0 at the moment.and I can't afford gum. let alone buying something online. Seriously do yourself a favor and read this story be prepared to be at it more than a week . Her other stories are equally high quality.If you have not discovered her.Good Times ahead!
Andi twas unpleasant(a feeling of impending doom.. It nust be common, Endocrinologist has offer ed antianxiety meds.. And a lot of olks talk about it, Here Iam bedbound due to paralysis. If stress ia criteria Iv'e got Apparently Icant 'have female hormones any more due to the stroke risk. Any medical plan I have had has collapsed. I have finished my transition.
Ithink most peple know me here I dont want to join thrmemorandium list.I;m scared,
There are a lot of pagans in the trans community.When someone reveals they are pagan I treat it as something confidential and will not tell anyone else what I know and feel very complimented by their trust. The numbers do surprise me though. I am curious what drew people in.
Basically something is going on with my bladder Since the strokeI have to use a folley catheter which uses a small baloon to keep the cathader in place I have been going through very painful spasms. Every day Oh well.
To say Ihave been depressed for the last while is an understatement.
Looks like My paralyzed leg has decided to work in tandom with mr good leg Evey day I wheel my wheelchair in front of the kitchen sink. I use my good arm and hand to grab the edge of the sink and counter and with assistance drag myself up and stand and balance for as long as my strength allows the dead leg is helping me stand though I still need the assist small l baby steps is the ticket to walking someday
Thanks to everyone has posted stories I live for them.
I had one of those DoH moments where I felt very mean My son was returning me to bed at the end of a day with mt two year old grand baby watching he took off my wig to. My mouth led my brain as I said Ow!Uncle Jim just ripped my hair off Her eyes got real big and she ran out of the room he chased her down an showed her my hair wasn't real.I was feeling very small right then, lesson learned. Posted on FB yesterday.
Funny,I keep wondering when I 'll get through this recovery..One of the things that keep me going is being a woman.and that can not change When I figured out transitioning was something I had to do I took the fast track(meaning I did not hold back),no regrets, only joy.
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I very dismayed to hear Angharad was stopping her writing I hope it was bogus.It is hard keeping my spirits up while laying in the prison my bed has become. I actively look forward to her stories as well as other peoples.I will not think of hurting myself.Too many people care for me and whom I also care for. but it is hard sometimes.
I keep talking about what is wrong with my life, but it bears mentioning what went well. A couple of weeks before the stroke I invited a woman into my home.she needed a safe-place I told her, she is now family. Seems we both needed a sister. She is Wiccan-Witch pun not intended, which I find fascinating. Did I mention it is my B-day? She is going above and beyond for me. Life can be funny, and good.
I am by nature an upbeat person am still amazed how friends I have made before the poo hit the fan.
Strokes suck. Brain fog makestyping almost Impossible But can read and converse well MyLeft side is paralyzed but my leg is definitely getting better. I havestoriesII want to write dang it!
I don’t talk about myself much, guess I’m not very comfortable with it. I am willing to talk to anybody, be it a crowd or one on one, but writing about me feels weird. I post on my blog about twice / thrice a year, complete with pictures, if anyone is interested.
I’ve been unemployed almost 6 months, longer off and on again. Unemployment is long gone, and savings are draining steadily. I have my son (nephew actually, but the relationship is that of parent adult). If not for him I would be in real trouble.
Many people have a chemical imbalance that causes depression. Others have forms of PTSD. I'm in the latter category.
I'm getting better, and that is a fact. I was a mess last Christmas, I let my anti depression meds run out and was spending Christmas alone (actually, it just felt that way).
MoonGoddess posted a thread something like this, and I responded. I agree with everything she said, if you are suffering you don't need to! Get help!
An interesting surprise waiting for me at the Resource Center when I arrived for my volunteer work. Since I had decided I'm not stealth it was no problem letting them use my picture.
A letter to a supervisor in the pharmacy at Walmart. I have to write a similar one about a Gulf gas station employee soon.
Dear Sir,
I had an unfortunate encounter with a pharmacist named *snip* at 5:15PM, Sunday, 5/31/2015. I left very distressed and upset.
I am a transgendered person. 31% of untreated transgender people successfully commit suicide before seeking help, and of those who try to address the issue 42% will attempt suicide at a later date. We are a very vulnerable population.
No health insurance, which means scripts run out. One of them was my antidepressants. I probably am going to have to go out of pocket with this one.
Problem is the withdrawal. It is a killer, or could be. About a week before Christmas I went into a depression that I would class as life threatening. When I get like that I don't reach out to people, I just shut down. Which probably accounts for why I don't have the meds yet, a positive feedback loop of the worst sort. It broke in time for Christmas, which was good.
Well, lost my job again. It was a contractor position, with the right to hire. Frankly it was the job from hell from my point of view, so no regrets there.
It has been a while since I've updated my blog. The second operation, which was supposed to repair the first operation, went much worse than my first. The doctor has literally ripped me new asshole. He tore two holes through the thin section between the rectum and vagina. For about a month some of my poots were coming out my vagina, which was not good. I was prescribed industrial strength antibiotics the day after surgery and did frequent follow ups. Looks like I'm through that part OK. Needless to say, it hurt (still does a bit).
OK, I've healed up enough the doc wants to do it again and fix it. He apparently wants to charge me more, I am very angry with him at the moment, and also at myself. I did not ask enough questions.
Well, things aren't looking so hot at the moment. When removing the cathader the doc mentioned a graft not going well (a large graft I migt add). He gave me 5 bottles of metaiodyne to douche with and would not talk to me after. So here I am knowing something has gone badly wrong scared as hell. I have a meeting tomorrow whwhere I might get some answers. The smell from this is unbelievably bad, so I douche.
Sometimes it is easy to forget how blessed we are. I am flat on my back recovering from SRS. A really close pair of friends are allowing me to recover at their house, which I am greatful for. Lots of pain but it is normal. I can't wait for the tube to come out of my new tush, but no worries. Looking forward to doing more than hunt anf peck on this keyboard. Till then all my love.
Well, I get up around 4AM tomorrow, drive to the clinic with my boy, and go back to sleep under an anesthesiologist's care. 4-5 Hours later I will wake up with a new vagina. It is funny, I've been scared and nervous about this surgery once I knew it was going to happen, but no more. Waiting is the hard part, but now the waiting is over. I am excited about it, but mostly just want to get it over with.
One thing loosing my job has done, it has moved up my timetable on SRS. This is because SRS is covered on my old insurance, and part of my severance package was insurance for 11 weeks after I was laid off. I am prepared to buy COBRA if I have to if I need the insurance extended.
So, baring glitches, I will be going into an operating room and having what was supposed to be the final stage of my transition done. Like I said, it was moved up. I do not see myself ever being able to afford this on my own, and I qualify now (or will as of Dec. 16).
Sunday, November 17, 2013 on 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm at Cathedral of Hope, 5910 Cedar Springs Rd., Dallas, TX 75235 is having Transgender Day of Remembrance. Dallas 2013 TDOR is an event memorializing those who have been killed as a result of anti-transgender violence, and acts to bring attention to the continued violence endured by the transgender communities.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
Space 80
Calimesa, CA 92320
USA
Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.
