Well, lost my job again. It was a contractor position, with the right to hire. Frankly it was the job from hell from my point of view, so no regrets there.
It was toxic, I mean that literally. I think some of the chemicals that were slung around in 55 gallon drums were messing over me in ways I'm sure I don't understand, physically and mentally.
There is no danger, and I am working with my councilor about it, but my mind has been going back to suicide. It is like that stubborn stain next to the kitchen sink, it just doesn't go away. The fact I had been thinking about it almost 10 years before I hit the crisis point is contributing I'm sure.
Some of the minor aggravations of the job were informative. I basically bought a bunch of guy tshirts, because the oil and grease was going to destroy my clothes. I needed truly throw away clothes, but they were a lot more rugged that most of the other stuff in the closet. I missed dressing nice dang it!
My arms are a mess, but healing. Deep scratches, bruises, and large abrasions were the rule. I was let go because I pulled a muscle in my leg trying to move 500+ pound drums and had the audacity to file a report (though they will deny that). There was a time I could have done it, but that is gone forever (and good riddance).
I was exhausted all the time. I slept excessively (that might be the chemicals). I have some serious catching up on my reading to do.
Looks like I now have a firm handle on what job I don't want.
Comments
I'm sorry you lost your job
but at least you know what you don't want to do, which is positive. As for the suicidal thoughts, I beg you not to think of it as a solution because the mess it leaves for everyone else is awful. My son's untimely death at his own hand has caused my family and I, so much grief which will never achieve closure because we'll never know why he did it.
Suicide achieves nothing that can't be resolved by other means. It also means the narrow minded win. Keep going and spite them.
Angharad
I came to that conclusion
quite a while ago. Matter of fact, it is why I am still here.
My brother committed suicide, I still miss him deeply. I got the kids, and I was thinking very seriously about it when I realized I was going to have to deal with my trans issues. I realized couldn't do it them (again), so I transitioned. Still, for 8 months while I worked on loosing weight (which I put as a precursor to transitioning) I would question whether I could make through another day.
One of the two stories I have published talks in depth about this. It is never an answer, and leaves scars that will never really heal with the people you love. But the thoughts persist, and I do not like it a bit.
The fact I am a woman now really does help a lot. It gives me ammunition for that internal dialog that I am always debating. I like to think it is not just me, but if it is Oh Well.
Part of it is stress. If I were truly financially secure I suspect a lot of it would go away, but very few people in this world are blessed with money. Then they find other things to obsess about.
I wonder how much that chemical was messing with my head. Maybe less than I am crediting it with, but then again...
I will be dropping a call to OSHA, the American agency responsible for Occupational Safety and Health.
Do Report to OSHA
Do not do it anonymously. You are protected and it will help your credibility. Did you receive MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) training on every chemical you were exposed to? That's a serious violation if you weren't. Did the employer provide personal protective equipment (PPE). That is also a requirement. Were there emergency shower and eyewash stations. If so, were you trained on their use. I would be very interested to know what you were possibly exposed to.
Portia
I'm sorry you lost your job, even if you hated it
and when it comes to suicidal thoughts, be proactive - have the suicide hotline numbers handy at don't hesitate to call
my biggest huggle is being sent your way, so beware ...