Dear Auntie Enid,

I am writing to you because you are so wise and you give people advice through your lovely newspaper for nothing.

I don't know why they put your letters page near the back of the paper where those strange adverts for masseurs and premium rate chat lines are. By the way, I read today in your paper that Elvis is alive and well and working at McDonalds in Scunthorpe. I would have thought he would have at least worked in Leeds because they have lots of karaoke places there and with his experience he would do quite well and supplement his income.

Anyway coming to the point of my letter, I am not an angst ridden teenager and I don't have spots, pimples yes quite a lot of those.

My love life is good because we used to have sex every third Tuesday when there is a C in the month.

Back to the point; I don't have work worries as I don't work. I don't have health problems as my blood pressure is only twice the national average and I only have major headaches every other day. I put that down to the two bottles of red wine I have to have most nights because I heard that if you drink red wine, your heart won't get sick and stop at an inconvenient time. I am a bit overweight, about three stone I think but I’m not sure as the scales broke last time I used them.

I should cut down on junk food but I don’t have to cook that, I just order it over the phone or I did before they cut me off and that’s a pain as I get out of breath if I have to walk further than the toilet. Anyway, my way of thinking is that burgers are soft and as my teeth dropped out when I forgot to brush my teeth for about thirty years, it’s easy to eat the stuff just using my quite adequate gums.

All this healthy lifestyle stuff is nonsense. My Granddad smoked like a fish and drank like a chimney and he lived until he was 92 and a half so I want to follow in his footsteps.

Getting to the point, I live in a nice place, the council have let me live there rent free for years, I get these funny letters which are red sometimes, but as I don't read them, I don't have any problems; as what I don't know I don't worry about. Sometimes people knock on the door, but as I hide behind the sofa, they go away.

When I went to the job centre, the nice lady said what are you good at? I said nothing so she said you are good for nothing then and I said yes. She tried to get me to go to a job assessment place but I said I had a sick family I need to look after. She said what are the sick of? and I said me but she didn't get the joke.

Anyway the reason that I am writing is that my wife has left me and I don't know why, can you help?

Yours Sincerely

Worried of Hartlepool.

PS if you can't put my letter in the paper can you send me private letter but not a red one because I won't open those.

PPS if you can spare five pounds or better yet ten, I will pay you back as soon as possible.

PPPS Are you married?